Recovering from the end of an affair

[MHG]

Hello All,

 

I seek your wisdom and guidance today, a day which brings excessive pain to my heart. You see, like many on this forum, I wanted to believe that I was one of the few that could actually make an affair work, and move to a relationship. And I was proven why the statistics here are as they are.

 

Here is my story

I'm a 48 year old male who was in a 3.5 year dating relationship when my affair started. We did not live together, and would see each other a couple of times per week. The relationship slowly started to fizzle out, and instead of doing the right thing and ending it, I sought excitement and a place to get my needs met somewhere else.

 

I met a 37 your old married woman online, and it wasn't long before we started a physical affair. As I'm sure happens with most, initially, it was simply physical. As time went by, feelings started to emerge. We went from meeting up every so often to texting each other morning and night, meeting up regularly not only for sex, but often times just to chat and connect. I've been divorced once, and this woman has been with her husband for 18 years, with her 15th anniversary approaching. It wasn't long before she started to telling me that she loved me and talked about a future together. At the same time, my relationship began to unravel, and we decided to end things due to a long term lack of any intimacy, limited sexual compatibility, and overall loss of anything romantic.

 

I told my affair partner time and again that she was likely to experience all sorts of emotion as she went through the affair, and when she started talking about ending her marriage. I offered up space so that she could sort out what she needed to, but she stated that she couldn't go a day without contact. I encouraged that it was highly likely that she would want to end her marriage one day, and then hang on the next. She explained that there was no passion in her marriage, that they hadn't had sex in months, and that she was generally treated poorly (yelled at, urinated on in the shower, discouraged from meeting her own goals (i.e. work and school) to take care of her family and be a stay at home mom. I also encouraged her to seek out professional therapy in order to sort through her emotions, and have a neutral third party involve that she could speak with privately. She did agree to do that.

 

As with most posts I have read on here, there are many similarities. The sex was amazing, and we both became lost in each other. We got along extremely well, shared many of the same things in common, including a sense of humour. She decided to tell her husband that she was done, and the marriage was over. She was pleased that it went so smooth. I warned her that this was but the beginning. She did seek out counselling with her husband to tell him that she was done in her marriage, and to stratagize on how they would move forward.

 

This is when she dropped the first bomb. After a weekend away for a half-marathon, when I texted her, she seemed distant. I sensed right away something was amiss. She told me that her husband had approached her and asked for 3 months to show that he could change. Needless to say, I was quite emotional. I should have ended things right then and there, wished her well, and said call me if things change. Within 3 days in the same house, and her being treated like garage, she came to realize that 3 months was going to solve nothing. She explained that she was done, and they needed to start working on plans to move forward. She explained that she realized as soon as she committed to 3 months that she loved me, and that it was the wrong thing to do. This included counselling and finding a way to share with her kids (9, and twin girls 13) that they were separating. During the discussions, her husband admitted to cheating on her before, and during this time he also admitted to having sex with another woman.

 

She went forward and told her mother that they were splitting, and then they both sat the kids down and had a conversation with them as well. By all intents, it was handled maturely, and the kids seemed to take the news as best as could be expected, with both of them spending the weekend together consoling and supporting their children. Discussion around division of assets, sales of real estate started. She committed her love to me, and went as far as to say that she knew that we would be married one day. I fell hard and deep, and felt like she was the one.

 

Fast forward to now. Her kids just returned from 10 days on the road with her parents to their hometown. On the trip, her mother called to say that the kids weren't happy living where they are now, and they wanted to move back home and would do so 'in a heartbeat'. Her husband was also away working, and had seen the kids, and they told my AP that 'daddy also thinks it's great here, and he's so much happier when he's not working'. During the same time, we traveled to a sporting event and concert, spent a ton of time together, and it felt like everything was perfect and set to go to the next level.

 

This morning, I received a text stating that she could no longer do this. Her kids were upset, and while they were not going to move back to their hometown, her husband wants to move to another city that they have no connection to. She is seriously considering it, as she feels extreme guilt for telling the kids the marriage is ending, and is worried about them. She states that she very much loves me, does not love her husband, but is second guessing her decision and ripping her family apart.

 

From 5 days ago where we were together, making love, and talking about our future, to today, where it appears everything is done. I am devastated and angry, and hurt by this turn of events. I know that I have nobody to blame from getting myself into this situation, but it doesn't change the emotions. I asked her if she was going to let her husband know of the last 7 months, and that she owed it to him so that he could make a decision around what he wanted. She said she wouldn't, as it would make him 'mad', and he would take the kids from here. I suggested that maybe I should reach out and tell him, which horrified her further. This told me once and for all where she is at, and where I stand in this. I fell for her hook, line, and sinker, ended a relationship, lost friends as a result, and she loses nothing (except me, which I'm beginning to wonder if she ever truly loved).

 

I know that I am facing the consequences of my own choices with this affair, and I probably deserve every little bit of hurt I am feeling. My question for the group is: how do I move on from this when I feel so much love for her? How do I resist the urge to reach out and message her? What is the path forward and the path to healing? I've scheduled therapy for next week, and intend to participate to the best of my ability and heal these wounds, as well as what brought me here in the first place. I've reached out to friends, I am journalling, and reading books around break up recovery. I just need to fill my time with activities, as I live by myself.

 

I asked today if we should just block and delete all forms of communication in order to avoid temptation. She responded with "not full delete ok?". She admits that she still loves me, doesn't love her husband, but is trying to figure out the 'right' thing to do. I've discussed the manipulation on the part of her family and the guilt they are trying to cause, but it has worked on her. She stated 'I am fully committed to being a failure. I am sorry I brought you into this'. I believe it's more of an excuse than anything. I believe that I have been being used every step of the way, and that she wants her cake and wants to eat it too. I told her I'm tired of being a Dirty Little Secret, and that this is the second time she has broken my heart.

 

Please help. I'm really struggling with my emotions.

[sandylee1]

The only way is to go totally no contact with her. Delete your methods of communication after you send her a final message to say it's over and wish her well.

 

That's the only way. Tbh even if she gets divorced...the kids will probably hate you. You'll be seen as the bad guy who took mom away from dad.

 

You'll have an angry Ex husband in the background and the foreground too.

 

Find someone that comes with a lot less baggage or you'll be miserable and have constant stress.

[FMW]

Complete NC is best. I've tried LC and it just prolongs the pain. She doesn't get a say in how you decide to handle things. She's made her choice and she has to let you go to do what you need to do for yourself.

 

It sounds like you have a good sense of the reality of the situation, you accept responsibility for your part and realize you can't be kept a secret on the side. It seems you have a good plan to deal with your heartbreak and to keep yourself busy. You're reaching out for help, to a therapist and through this forum instead of keeping it all inside and that's a good thing.

 

The bottom line is it's just going to take time, unfortunately, and it will be rough for a little while. I've learned there are no shortcuts.

[Dreamwalker17]

You need to step back to protect yourself. Complete NC truly is the best.

 

Otherwise she'll run back and forth between you and her husband and this will leave you completely devastated.

Read stories on this board, it will not end nicely for you if you decide to stick around. Once cheaters given "options" and feel they no longer have to make a choice, they'll hold on to those options with no care who they hurt.

 

Sorry that you got caught up in this, but no one deserve to be treated like second best. There are plenty of available women out there with no drama attached, she is by no means ready to get divorced and to commit to you, so please bow out with dignity.

 

Best wishes xo

[MHG]

Thank you for your responses. Needless to say, my heart is breaking. Contact has continued last evening and this morning. I blocked her at one point, but couldn't stay blocked. There is a compulsion around contact that is hard to break. It is fear based and feels extremely hard to break.

 

This morning we had contact. She continues to say that she loves me, knows what she wants, but can't come to hurt her kids. To her, it's choosing between the 'man that she loves' and what her kids want and need. And the man that she loves is not her husband. She wants 'limited contact' with me, and she doesn't want to lead me on, as she is not sure what she is going to do. She says that we will see each other in person at some point. Last night she indicated that she was going to message me when she got home, but then admitted she put me on mute, as she didn't want a 2 hour conversation.

 

I simply said that I believe she wants to let me down easy, and that she can't have me but doesn't want to let me go. She indicated that was a "little bit" true. She also said that she can suck it up, live with her husband and kids, and as long as everyone else is happy, she could do it. That they've agreed to sell their house, and he has asked for them to move away from everyone and anyone they know, just to be together as a family.

 

This afternoon she is sick in bed after being diagnosed with an ulcer, which she says is due to her stress. I, always the fool, offered any assistance she might need. She said she has done this to herself, and why am I such a 'good man'. She describes herself as a '**** up' and she does not know what to do. I asked her to promise to go back to therapy, in order to sort herself out without the influence of me, her husband, or her parents.

 

Truthfully, I'm scared of going NC. I'm full of fear that doing so will be giving up and I will lose her for good. Yet, rationally, I know that I do not have her to begin with. ****, if only I could live in my head for awhile and get out of my heart. Yet I know if I go NC, she's going to be miserable in missing me and go through her own form of withdrawal, which will likely bring her back to me. I'm also scared of all the empty time I have to fill without seeing her or communicating with her. I've reached out to friends, asked them to be there to support me, and they've responded well. That's a blessing I have in my life, at the very least.

 

I know what I have to do, but I'm scared to do it. I got a call from a therapist this afternoon and will be going in next week. In the meantime, I'll try and hold it together. The last 2 weeks were amazing, and we spent so much time together. She told me I was 'it', and she was going to marry me one day. Now, less than a week later, it's all over but the crying.

 

I appreciate your support and any other words of wisdom you may have to offer.

[springy]

Think about this sir - this woman who you think is the end all, be all is cheating on her husband and manipulating you to keep you on the side for her own selfish reasons. She has no intention of leaving her marriage and knows she has you on the hook if she chooses, to never allow you to move on and find true love with an available woman. The woe is me, I’m such an awful human being is nothing but pure manipulation and pity seeking to keep you hanging on and it’s working. This is not love.

 

On top of that she is perfectly happy to live out the rest of her years with the man she married hiding this affair indefinitely. Not to save him from pain, only to save herself! You really don’t know what the whole truth is in what she tells you. She’s got no problem looking her husband in the eye and lying to him; it’s no different for you.

 

I’m afraid that if you don’t go cold turkey and cut all contact the affair will heat right back up. She will be happy to keep you on the side, keep you from fully living your best life as long as you allow it. I’m sure this isn’t your first breakup. You know how to get over it. Face the pain head on and get as far away from her as you can.

[MHG]

You know it's very interesting. I asked her what she would want if the shoe was on the other foot. In particular, if her husband had fallen in love with someone else and had told them all the things she has told me, would she want to know. Does he deserve to know that she has fallen for someone else and that she is no longer in love with him. She is 'on the fence' about this, which tells me an awful lot.

 

I am questioning her emotional maturity as well as her intentions, there is no doubt of that. Saying that he would be 'mad', and take the kids from her, is her rationale for not sharing. That being said, he has admitted to cheating her in the past on several occasions, and has also recently engaged in sex outside of the relationship. It feels a little bit like two peas in a pod. The fact that she can hide this would be worse for me if she hadn't called things off and told the kids about them splitting. But now she is wondering what she will do.

 

I have no doubt she is a conflicted person in this situation. I also have no doubt that she is more than happy to keep me hanging on, and then she needs not do anything but stay where she is. Although she has indicated that our relationship needs to 'change' and we can't see each other every day.

 

I have had break ups before, and I have a bad habit of hanging on far too long before letting go. I've got a huge fear of rejection and abandonment and I have to work through these issues, as they lead me to, and then keep me, in unhealthy situations. I know logically what I need to do. Now it's just a matter of doing it.

[springy]

How are you so sure that anything she has to,d you is true? Are you working with a professional to overcome some of your issues?

[What_Did_I_Do]

 

I have had break ups before, and I have a bad habit of hanging on far too long before letting go. I've got a huge fear of rejection and abandonment and I have to work through these issues, as they lead me to, and then keep me, in unhealthy situations. I know logically what I need to do. Now it's just a matter of doing it.

 

Hey pot, meet kettle LOL. I am the queen of hanging on to dead or dying relationships. Yep, fear of abandonment. But I'm learning to attach to healthier relationships; family, reliable friends..and most importantly - me.

 

It doesn't matter what her BS/WH is doing. If she is staying in the M then that is 100% her problem to deal with. She can see a counsellor for guidance and most definitely not confide in you. If she is so conflicted, go NC and let her figure her life out.

 

OP, this MW is stringing you along in a big way. I'm saying this in the kindest way, but you know this has to end, NC all the way, right?

[MHG]

I've encouraged her to return to therapy. I think it's the only way that she is going to make any sense of her circumstances. And yes, I'm seeking out therapy to help resolve some of my own issues. I have in the past and I've got more work to do, obviously.

 

Of course I know that NC is the real only way to go, but as many have identified through the myriad messages on here, knowing what to do and doing it are 2 very different things. That's why people get locked into year long affairs and continue to make the same mistake over and over. The compulsion, addictive qualities, and chemical release that comes with it are certainly very strong.

 

I have no doubt she is stringing me along as a way to have the best of both worlds. Yesterday I suggested she needed to tell her husband she had fallen for someone else, or I might do that very thing. Needless to say, her response told me all I needed to know.

 

One day at a time, one minute at a time, and one hour at a time. That's how I'll navigate my way through this.

[Poppy47]

Are you sure either one of you is emotionally stable enough to be making any kind of life changing decisions?

Poppy.

[FMW]

Unless you are ok with things exactly as they are now, with occasional contact only when convenient for her, walk away from this. Every day you stay in this situation it will get harder and harder to end it. And harder to recover after the fact.

 

Sadly we all have to come to that point of decision on our own, but I hope you get there sooner than later.

[CloudyHead]

No contact is difficult but you have to do it to move forward with your life. There are several threads here that deal with NC. Read them. I printed one thread out that was fairly long, put it in a binder and would read it at night, over and over. I kept a journal of all the bad feelings I had throughout the affair - what MM said to me that hurt me, choices that MM made that hurt me, etc and relived those feelings over and over. I refused to look at the "happy" times. By concentrating on the bad aspects of the relationship, I was finally able to focus on myself and realize that I no longer wanted better but that I also deserved better. You have to make choices that are the best choices for YOU and not for MW. Stop thinking about her feelings or what she is going through because it is irrelevant.

[MHG]

To answer your questions, and add to your comments, I do not believe either one of us is stable enough to make any life changing decisions. I believe that especially goes for her, but I'm clearly holding on to something unhealthy, and that is indicative of my current state of emotional health.

 

We had contact last night, and she tells me she can't stop thinking about me, that it is so hard not to reach out, and that she really misses me. That she's home in bed, sick to her stomach about all of this, and her inability to make a decision. She can't believe that I have compassion for someone who is on the fence, is struggling, and can't make up her mind about what she is going to do. Yet even though it's so hard, she has not reached out. I initiated contact.

 

The hurt I feel sometimes occasionally shifts to anger, when I think about the things she has said and done. She tells her friends she is dating someone new, and how great I am, and they are happy for her and jealous. How she has strung me along, and after she decided the first time she was going to let him have another chance, how hard it was for her, only to put up a picture on facebook of them together that weekend and how much fun they had. At the same time, she was sending me texts saying how much she loved me.

 

So here I sit, looking at the screen of my computer, and looking at my phone. I have the urge to reach out with a good morning text, to check in and see how she is doing. But after reading the responses here, and reflecting on my circumstances, what is the point? The momentary rush I get when I know she is thinking about me and relief from having some contact jut causes me more pain as the day goes on. I know she is at home, with her husband and kids. I know that regardless of what she says that she wants, she can't, won't and doesn't have the balls/guts/courage to do it. And her poor me routine is wearing thin. It's a cop out and an excuse for her not to take responsibility for herself.

 

I've been reading about NC in the book I'm reading, and I will take the advice to look at NC threads here. I'm trying to find my strength and not give in. I believe she does love me (or at least thinks she does), but I also know she is nowhere near ready for anything. If she were to move out and split from her husband, she's have a ****load of things to work on, and when she came out the other end, as has been mentioned in many threads here, she wouldn't likely want to be with me anyways. It's a fools game, with no possible happy ending. Not under these circumstances. If she was to go away, do the work, heal, and then come back around, maybe. But if either one of us was in a healthy emotional place, we wouldn't be involved in this anyways.

 

I can't sleep to save my life, even under the help of sleep meds. I've let my employer know that I am struggling and may need time to take care of myself. Fortunately, there is support there for me. The last thing I want to do is jeopardize my work/career for someone who is not even there for me.

 

And you are all correct. Her stuff is none of my concern. I can't be her confidante, her therapist, her mentor or guide. She is going to have to do that herself, should she choose. I know I'm likely dodging a bullet here and saving myself potential long term heartache and pain by getting out now, but damn, this is hard. The good times were amazing. I guess I have to figure out what led me to opening up and truly being myself in this mess, when in the past and real open relationships, I was closed off. This is all work I'm going to need to do on myself. But first, I've got to continue to stay strong and not give in to my urges to make contact.

 

My challenge today is to not send a message. Lately, I have been the one that has led the messaging. She will respond, but she hasn't started messaging me since her kids and husband got home. This is not her usual pattern and it tells me where she stands. Take comfort in knowing I'm still on the hook and that door is still open. She holds all the cards and the power.

 

And at the end of the day, what she stands to lose is something pretty amazing. Someone who is willing to support, care for, and encourage a person to be their best self. To grow, change, and be who they really are. Her loss will be someone else's gain someday, and I'm getting angry enough that I hope she has major regrets and realizes what she lost. I may be damaged goods, but I always bounce back, each time a little better than the last. My scars and wounds have taught me how to be a better person, and I need to continue to work on me, to grow, understand where I'm stuck, and why I put myself into situations that are clearly no win.

 

The good news is that I'm trying, I may slip along the way, but I know deep down that I'm a good person with some wounds who is committed to self improvement. I'll get there.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Good for you! Today is a new day and one which your haven't reached out. One day at a time!

[S2B]

She's a liar. Nothing she tells you is even close to the truth.

 

 

How else would she reel you in if she doesn't lie about her M?

 

Move forward knowing she's using you and lying the whole time!

 

Think about it... would you really want to be the one married to that?

[MHG]

Well so much for my good start. True to plan, I didn't send a text this morning. But clearly, when I hopped out of the shower at 8:30, the text waiting for me saying 'I can't go without saying good morning' was on my phone waiting for me. And thus another day of back and forth begins. I took the bait, and we went round and round again. Everything reminds her of me, every song she hears makes her think of me. She feels so bad and guilty for putting me through this, and is so confused.

 

She told me that she is struggling to not see me, keeps looking at pictures of me on her phone, just to remind herself of me. That she is head over heels in love with me, and can't believe I'm still here. When I ask about seeing one another, she says if she sees me she'll break down and won't be able to leave me.

 

Yes, when I look at this objectively as I can, and when I can stand outside the fire a little, I see what's going on. I have no doubt she's having a hard time, but she's making a choice. I have no doubt she's not shared with me the honest details of her life, even thought I want so badly to believe it's true that she wants me. All the while, hubby is downstairs and the kids play outside.

 

And yes, if she'll do this to someone that she has been married to for almost 15 years and together with for 18 years, I'm just asking for heartache, stress, and to be consistently let down and strung along. I tell her that maybe it is best for me to simply go away and then she can move on and forget about me. Of course she doesn't want that, it means she would have to deal. Would I want to be married to that? So I can be the sad sack husband who is unaware that she is texting some other guy how much she loves him, is the 'one', and the are 'forever'. Yeah, I'm that kind of fool.

 

I gave up the love of a good woman that wasn't compatible and I had no spark with to dance with the devil. And surprisingly, when you play with fire, you get burned. And you kinda like how it feels, because you keep going back to it. I know that I'm not alone, as I read about others who have lost years to this type of dysfunctional affair dynamic. Wanting to believe it will all work out, when underneath it all, it isn't possible.

 

I know that I'll move forward and then likely step back. Each time this happens my heart breaks a little more, I get discouraged and disheartened, and I resolve to try again. Night time is the hardest and trying to sleep is the worst. Even with medication, it's not taking. I need a distraction, I need to fight this compulsion.

 

As per the advice of another board member, I've started to read about NC more, I've started a list of all the ways that she has hurt me. I'll continue to focus energy here, and start all over again. Man, when people say this is hard, they are not kidding.

 

And each of you that has commented on here is exactly right. She's not being truthful with me, herself, her husband, or anybody else. And what kind of person can do that. Look at her husband with those eyes like nothing is going on. I sure know how to pick them, and it just shows my own issues and how I will need to work on myself. This I know.

[sandylee1]

When the pain of all this gets too much...you'll cut her off. You're not there yet. You're a long way off.

 

Nobody will need to tell you when enough is enough.

 

I just can't wrap my head aròund why believe her. If her husband had cheated...and she really loved you...this would be the perfect time to leave.

 

Some women are hoping their husband slips up when they want to end it...because they feel they don't have a good enough reason.

 

You have a woman here with the perfect situation to leave....but she's decided not to.

 

She's lying to you.

[MHG]

As much as I hate to admit it, you are absolutely right. I'm not totally there yet and we haven't hit enough is enough. My pattern of hanging onto unhealthy relationships past the point where they've crushed me continues.

 

I know logically what this entails and what is going to be the outcome, yet I still hang on.

 

I feel weak. I know what I need to do, I just don't know if/when I will. I know it's a choice, and one that is so hard to stick with. There are stories on here of many in the same spot as me who hang on for years. I can understand how that happens, and I don't want to be that person.

 

I continue to read, journal a lot, and reflect. I've returned to the gym and I'm connecting with friends more each day. So all is not lost.

[FMW]

I know you've read it a million times here, but it's so very true. Look at her actions, not her words. If she was so in love with you she would choose you. She's had multiple opportunities, and each and every time she chooses to stay with her husband.

 

Whatever "love" she has for you is way down on her priority list. And she knows she's hurting you and messing with your head, but she keeps doing it. She wants you available in case she needs some extra attention. You don't need someone to "love" you like that.

 

Another thing you've read a million times I'm sure, but again it's very true - these affairs cause a really strong addiction. The uncertainty creates a strong craving and result in your intense feelings that this is the most important love you've ever had - or ever will. But it's the addiction. You know she's bad for you, but you crave just one more "hit".

 

My rock bottom, which I hope that I have reached now, was actually seeing MM with his wife for the first time in over 3 years of being with him. Seeing her attention to him. Her smiling brightly and genuinely at me because she has no idea he's been telling me he loves me, talking about future plans, etc. for all these years. I'm disgusted, and sickened, by both him and me.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but I hope you reach your rock bottom soon. It's the only way to move on to a happier and much less stressful life.

[BourneWicked]

MHG - in these things, there's never an even balance. There is never an equal amount of caring between both parties. There is always one partner who cares more - and that's the person who gets hurt. I've been in the business of trying to be the one that cares less for a while now. It's hard work, but it does make a difference. And as others said, looking at the actions over the words. "I miss you". That's great - you've done nothing to show it. Knowing she's making the choice, every day, not to be with you. Seeing that not as a reflection on you - but a reflection of her own wishy-washy desire to keep two men lined up.

 

Glad you're exercising. That will help with the sleep issue. I've been there too.

 

Findingmyway - thanks for sharing your rock bottom. I'm envious of it (ha - can you believe it?) because what helps keep an affair alive is the mystery, and the unknown. When you can see the reality of another, relatively happy relationship, it's so much harder to keep all those delusions of one's perfect little fantasy alive.

[Vivir]

MHG, I wrote this incredible post to you early this morning, and with the stroke of two keys, it was gone. I was devastated.

 

Fortunately, Finding my way has offered to you the gist of what I had written:

 

I know you've read it a million times here, but it's so very true. Look at her actions, not her words. If she was so in love with you she would choose you. She's had multiple opportunities, and each and every time she chooses to stay with her husband.

 

Whatever "love" she has for you is way down on her priority list. And she knows she's hurting you and messing with your head, but she keeps doing it. She wants you available in case she needs some extra attention. You don't need someone to "love" you like that.

 

You know she's bad for you, but you crave just one more "hit".

 

These are my sentiments, too, so I concur.

 

It is one thing to understand the concept of being second (to someone's spouse) and quite another to be met face-to-face with it as a reality.

 

While you are struggling to sleep at night, she is sleeping beside her husband.

 

While she is writing you these text messages and dumping her struggle to make a real decision in your lap, she may actually be sitting beside her husband.

 

Consider reversing everything she says and has said. Instead of "I can't make it through the day without texting you" imagine her thinking about the motive behind said text message as "I need an ego feed, and texting this to you is one way to get it."

 

Look at the facts.

 

She misses you, and could be there but is not.

 

In what other ways are her actions not matching her words? I dare you to write some of these down.

[MHG]

Thanks everyone for the replies....

 

I am by nature someone who thinks about and analyzes things. So I've certainly thought through many of these scenarios. It's interesting that you bring up actions versus words, as in my communication with her, I have very much explained that love is an action, not just a feeling.

 

That's where I get confused, as her actions have been all over the place. 2 months ago, I was at a work conference 7.5 hours away from home. She agreed to come and stay with me and then drive me back home. She was willing to come that far to get me. When I was away at work recently, she stayed at my home and watched over my dog, and then stayed the rest of the week with me. When my dad was staying with me after surgery, she bought and prepared food in order for him and I to have some decent meals. This has gone beyond what I believe(d) an affair was. We went out in public together in our home community, she told her friends that she was seeing me.

 

She has discussed the ending of the relationship with her husband on a couple of occasions, including with a therapist that they saw together. Knowing that she has 3 children, I didn't believe she was actually going to go through with ending it until they sat down and told the kids they were splitting up. That took place over a month ago, and I figured that you don't break that news to your children and put them through the emotional turmoil of a separation unless you are actually going to go through with it. She indicated that they are sleeping in separate rooms, are not physically intimate and haven't been since we got together. As I write this, I know people are going to say she is telling me what I want to hear to keep me on the hook.

 

So she certainly did give me reason to believe that she had every intention of moving on. Until last week. Her husband had been away working, and her children had been away on vacation. Upon his return, the plan was to discuss division of assets and child schedules. I believe that she started to feel guilty, as her parents and her husband started to tell her that the kids would prefer to live in their old hometown. That is when she took the 180, and said she needed to figure things out. I honestly believe that she is confused, doesn't know how to make the split happen.

 

Since then, she went from saying that she couldn't do this anymore, to making contact, and going back to where we were not long ago. I've only seen her briefly once, but she messages me consistently. I know she wants me to keep hanging on, while she figures this out, and that could absolutely mean stringing me along.

 

My mind keeps telling me that there is no way this is going to work out. Even if she does split and divorce, there is so much work to be done, so much to go through, and a history between us that is going to make things pretty much impossible. And as mentioned, I am a thinker through and through, my heart gets in the way.

 

I have been to the gym a couple times in the past 4 days, have therapy on Tuesday, have spent time with family and friends this weekend, have written on here, and in my journal as well. I am also reading a book 'Getting Past Your Breakup', and it has lots of helpful information and exercises around healing after loss.

 

So I am doing what I need to in order to take care of myself. I will continue to do so. I'm somewhat hopeful that this work will allow me to stay well, and move past this situation and her. At the very least, I have the wheels in motion, and my actions are focused on me, and taking care of myself.

 

Thanks for the responses, I'm not sure I've hit rock bottom, and I'm hopeful I won't have to go further down, but I'm still struggling with things, and trying to make sense of her words and actions.

[MHG]

We chatted tonight, and she stated her day was not great. Got upset with the husband today. They sold a motorhome which went up for sale when they talked about the split, and now the argument is how the money will be spent. She said earlier in the week he called her a '**** housewife'. And told her since she hasn't been doing her schoolwork that he knew this would happen when she signed up for school and doesn't see the point.

 

I told her it sounds like they were both miserable. Maybe a split might be better for everyone. She said she is scared, scared he'll up and take the kids. And then she said she misses the good memories, and is hanging onto 'the past'.

 

I told her to get back into counselling, see a lawyer if she's scared he'll try and yank the kids and listen to what rights she does have, and get mediation set up to do a separation agreement. This is where her actions will truly speak.

 

She's clearly struggling. She contends she will be with me and they are working their way through the logistics of separating and getting divorced, so that can happen.

 

I know, I know. Some truth perhaps, but all of it could be fabricated. If she wanted to be over here, she would. She isn't. Kids or no kids. Actions.

[CantTakeMySmile]

What is it that you want? What is the line you have drawn in the sad as to what you will not stand for?