Noah22 Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 My boyfriend and I have been together We have a casual relationship mostly. We met at university though he was senior to me. We don't live together. And we never stayed together during the term holidays either. He would leave for his country and I would leave for mine. He is flirty and over touchy with people but last year he met a girl whom I knew nothing about. My bf and I have a large group of mutual friends and one of the guys told me about her. So he met this girl whom he had 'love at first sight'. He met this girl 1 week before I went back home for holidays. His friend told me that he would continuously stare at the girl and would keep running to her all the time. He also asked him about her, asking him how beautiful she is and another friend confirmed that while they were talking, he was openly drooling over her. The girl was also reciprocating and they apparently had a talk but she didnt ask him for his phone number or on a date and he stopped talking to her and went back to his country. He bumped into her again 8 months later and approached her for a talk which she did. But something happened and his friend said he started getting angry at her and would treat her rudely. Apparently she stopped talking to him completely and then he started being friendly and warm towards her. Though our friend did tell me that he told him he was expecting her to come and talk to him. She didnt do it as he would keep walking and this infuriated him. He was taking me out on a date but he decided to meet up at the university. Our friend told me my bf bumped into her and was being gentle towards her. But she didnt go up as he walked on while he looked back to check on her. He did this once more when he saw her coming and left me and our friends to follow her. After we met up, I did notice that he looked quite serious and was showing no interest in the conversations with our friends. I also got to know that he began treating her rudely again and was being mean to her when she came to talk to him. I dont understand. He's been with me and is always hugging me and we have sex a lot, we smoke from the same cigs/drink from same cups and have fun in general then why is he leaning towards her? Why does she affect him when hes with me? The worst thing is finding this out from a friend whom he had confided about her, asking how she looks etc. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Bienvenida Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 Outright ask him the last questions in your post. You need to know where you stand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah22 Posted July 24, 2018 Author Share Posted July 24, 2018 Outright ask him the last questions in your post. You need to know where you stand. If I had to ask him I wouldnt be asking here. So pls tell me what is the deal as he is not willing to respond 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 He had a crush... or still has one. How serious, who knows? He is being shady and you should dump him. Because you are now Plan-B... don't be Plan-B. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 There is something about her that he finds attractive. Whether he can move past that & be faithful to you is hard to predict. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 (edited) He's acting this way because he likes the other woman ... And just to clarify: People do not necessarily want to date someone they have sex with, even great sex. People do not necessarily have relationship desires for people they have sex with and hang out with casually afterwards. People don't like one girl more simply because they spend more time with that girl than they do with another girl. The problem here is your first sentence. We have a casual relationship mostly. Casual relationship ... mostly ... See how fuzzy that is? So it's not really casual! Sounds like you really like this guy, want him to focus on you ... but don't want to tell him this ... On the other side, he seems quite content to hang out and have sex with you. Doesn't mean he wants to date you seriously. And doesn't mean he's not interested in other women. So there's an imbalance: you want him more than he wants you ... Usually there is nothing we can do about this ... so the best step is usually to pull back from the relationship. You can't really change people's minds, can't make them like us more than they do. Edited July 25, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah22 Posted July 25, 2018 Author Share Posted July 25, 2018 He had a crush... or still has one. How serious, who knows? He is being shady and you should dump him. Because you are now Plan-B... don't be Plan-B. But how is it possible? She has left the country I think as students go home around this time. And he had this issue going on with her so they didnt even talk. So how? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah22 Posted July 25, 2018 Author Share Posted July 25, 2018 He's acting this way because he likes the other woman ... And just to clarify: People do not necessarily want to date someone they have sex with, even great sex. People do not necessarily have relationship desires for people they have sex with and hang out with casually afterwards. People don't like one girl more simply because they spend more time with that girl than they do with another girl. The problem here is your first sentence. We have a casual relationship mostly. Casual relationship ... mostly ... See how fuzzy that is? So it's not really casual! Sounds like you really like this guy, want him to focus on you ... but don't want to tell him this ... On the other side, he seems quite content to hang out and have sex with you. Doesn't mean he wants to date you seriously. And doesn't mean he's not interested in other women. So there's an imbalance: you want him more than he wants you ... Usually there is nothing we can do about this ... so the best step is usually to pull back from the relationship. You can't really change people's minds, can't make them like us more than they do. But hes doing everythinh with me not her. ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah22 Posted July 25, 2018 Author Share Posted July 25, 2018 There is something about her that he finds attractive. Whether he can move past that & be faithful to you is hard to predict. As per our friend, he always gets into non verbal arguments with her and they separate. This happened again so how? He invests tome with me and gets mad at her not me. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 You have a CASUAL relationship, which mean in most cases there is no future just hanging out and having sex for the time being....FWB. He's overly infatuated with her, but she is refusing his advances for whatever reason...probably she found out you were seeing each other and this turned her off, who knows. He gets pissed and frustrated because he wants her SO BAD. Why doesn't he dump you? maybe he wants a for sure thing with her first, ...why give up a good supply of sex from you...not worth the risk? It's only a guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 Unfortunately men need sex and don't like to go without it. So a man will keep you around just to have sex especially if you agree to "just keep it casual". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 He is being shady and you should dump him. Because you are now Plan-B... don't be Plan-B. Correct. It's simple: He's using you when she's unavailable. You need to cut him out of your life and not look back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah22 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 You have a CASUAL relationship, which mean in most cases there is no future just hanging out and having sex for the time being....FWB. He's overly infatuated with her, but she is refusing his advances for whatever reason...probably she found out you were seeing each other and this turned her off, who knows. He gets pissed and frustrated because he wants her SO BAD. Why doesn't he dump you? maybe he wants a for sure thing with her first, ...why give up a good supply of sex from you...not worth the risk? It's only a guess. Our friend told me that he would always have problems with her like if she said something he didnt want to hear, he would start being hostile towards her and that led to this issue. Isnt it possible that he can dump his feelings for her since shes gone and he messed up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah22 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 Unfortunately men need sex and don't like to go without it. So a man will keep you around just to have sex especially if you agree to "just keep it casual". But if he wanted her so much he never made any concrete effort to be with her? All i know was him getting mad at her Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 But if he wanted her so much he never made any concrete effort to be with her? All i know was him getting mad at her You are not with him 24/7 and have no idea to what length he has gone to be with her. He certainly isn't going to tell you. Again, he is with you because he needs sex and you are easy to have sex with. If she wanted him he wouldn't be with you. He's angry at her because she has rejected him and that makes him want her more. It's a vicious cycle for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah22 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 You are not with him 24/7 and have no idea to what length he has gone to be with her. He certainly isn't going to tell you. Again, he is with you because he needs sex and you are easy to have sex with. If she wanted him he wouldn't be with you. He's angry at her because she has rejected him and that makes him want her more. It's a vicious cycle for him. But they are not talking and shes gone so won't he lose feelings? As he was angry and didnt talk to her ? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 But they are not talking and shes gone so won't he lose feelings? As he was angry and didnt talk to her ? It doesn't really matter, in terms of your arrangement with him. He's not with you for the right reasons. So when he finally detaches from her, you will likely find that he lets you go too. You won't serve the same purpose in his life that you did when he was still trying to get over her. Sorry OP, but you are not going to like the outcome of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah22 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 It doesn't really matter, in terms of your arrangement with him. He's not with you for the right reasons. So when he finally detaches from her, you will likely find that he lets you go too. You won't serve the same purpose in his life that you did when he was still trying to get over her. Sorry OP, but you are not going to like the outcome of this. What do you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 What do you mean? I mean that he is not going to be your Happily Ever After. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah22 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 I mean that he is not going to be your Happily Ever After. How can you be so sure? If he really wanted her then he would have gone for her wouldnt he? Instead all he did was messing up and doing things for me? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 But they are not talking and shes gone so won't he lose feelings? As he was angry and didnt talk to her ? Distance does not separate love. He could be a million miles from her but his heart will be wherever she is. Anger doesn't stop love either; you have no idea how many people wish it did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 How can you be so sure? If he really wanted her then he would have gone for her wouldnt he? Instead all he did was messing up and doing things for me? He is going for her she just isn't going for him. If she was going for him, he'd be gone from you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 You keep mentioning how 'your friend' is telling you all the dirt on you casual boyfriend... sounds to me as if your friend is maneuvering you both towards a breakup. I would look carefully into the motives of this friend... will the friend be there to help you get over the ex bf? Then become your next bf? How loyal is the friend, especially if he is so eager and willing to sell out your bf, who appears to trust him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah22 Posted July 27, 2018 Author Share Posted July 27, 2018 You keep mentioning how 'your friend' is telling you all the dirt on you casual boyfriend... sounds to me as if your friend is maneuvering you both towards a breakup. I would look carefully into the motives of this friend... will the friend be there to help you get over the ex bf? Then become your next bf? How loyal is the friend, especially if he is so eager and willing to sell out your bf, who appears to trust him... I would have thought that way but hes Gay Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah22 Posted July 27, 2018 Author Share Posted July 27, 2018 Distance does not separate love. He could be a million miles from her but his heart will be wherever she is. Anger doesn't stop love either; you have no idea how many people wish it did. You think he loves her? His issue with her is going on for 1 year Link to post Share on other sites
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