Another 3 years went by in the A... Now what?

[proseandpassion]

So, here I am, back on Loveshack after 3 more years in the A.

 

Sigh.

 

Here are the excuses I kept telling myself since 2015 to rationalize the A:

 

- I was not attractive enough to date (I gained weight in 2016 due to work stress--MM never encouraged me to lose it)

- I was too busy to date

- It felt comfortable to be in the A with the MM

- The MM provided me love and comfort

- The A felt "good enough for now"

- The MM helped me out a lot - took care of cat when I was on vacation, washed my car, was my own personal handy man

- The sex was great

- I was showered with affection

- Since most of my friends moved out-of-state, I felt lonely. MM made me forget.

 

However... there was something lurking, nagging at me the entire way through. The thing that finally made me snap out of it was turning 38. I met MM when I was 33. The prime years of my life, wasted on a relationship that would go nowhere. Every few months I would try to end it with MM and he'd cling on like a barnacle, fussing and playing the pity card. I fell for it every time.

 

This isn't probably the best approach, but in May I created online dating profiles. I just needed to see what was out there. For a long time, I just lurked. Then I met up with a few people... and I realized...

 

HEY. I am very attractive. People are interested in knowing me.

 

Why have I been on the shelf, waiting for MM?

 

I ended things with him a week ago. When he found out I'd been dating others, he initially was totally finished with me. He gave me back my house key, I gave him back his clothes and other personal affects. That maybe lasted 48 hours before he was playing the pity card again.

 

(I have kept in contact because we own a vehicle together that we must now either sell, or I WOULD GLADLY GIVE HIM THE KEYS AND TITLE JUST TO GTFO)

 

Now daily he tells me how he isn't sleeping, how he wants to leave his wife (btw, he never says this explicitly--he says "I am going to be brave and get the strength to do what I need to do"), that he thinks we are meant to be together, that he received an answer from God that we are meant to be together, that he is totally alone and lost without me, that he wants to marry me.

 

I am about to go NC, because now I see through most of this as emotional manipulation. I have told him I don't want to be with him if he leaves his wife, that I don't want to be involved in a messy divorce, that I want to move on - all is lost on deaf ears, because he thinks he knows what I want better than what I know myself. This attitude is extremely narcissistic and disgusting to me. There is part of me--a sliver--that is scared to let go, and is part of my hesitation for NC. Plus, I don't know wtf to do about this car situation.

 

I am here as a platform to vent and tell my story, and get support that my decision was a right one. Intellectually, I know this. But this man keeps pulling my strings. I know NC is what I need or I am going to backslide right where I was.

 

Today I made a list of all the things I've wanted to do and that I now have time for. They include reading, taking up a craft, exercising daily, start writing my second novel, learn to bake. Just writing that list validated my decision.

 

 

Thank you for listening.

[sunny_day]

 

I am about to go NC, because now I see through most of this as emotional manipulation.

 

Thank you for listening.

 

 

My cute little dog can emotionally manipulate me with his big brown eyes and his wagging tail, to give him just one more treat or throw him another bone.

 

 

A man who emotionally manipulates me? Not so much.

 

 

 

I've read on these forums that the MM are "emotionally manipulating" the OW. I don't think so.

 

 

 

Are we all grown adults here? You knew exactly what you were doing, and so did he. You knew it was a relationship built on lies with no foundation. That's not emotional manipulation.

 

 

 

I can't stand the thought of seeing myself as a victim, as someone who was "emotionally manipulated" when I knew exactly what was happening.

[FMW]

proseandpassion, yes, you've made the right decision. End it and don't look back. Tell him when he is divorced to contact you and you'll see where things stand then, but until then don't waste any more of your time on him.

 

We have to take responsibility for being involved with these men and see through their games and tricks. We are in control of our own lives. Sounds like you're doing a great job of taking that control, so keep going. Don't look back.

[Dreamwalker17]

Now what?

Now you live your life, date and make sure you are happy.

 

Looks like writing a novel, exercising, meeting new people and realizing you're very attractive is much better alternative than same old boring mm who's decided to step up his game with "I am going to be brave and get the strength to do what I need to do". Please keep in mind he is going to be brave for as long as you are back to the same status quo.

Then he'll be back to being a coward because cheaters are essentially cowards.

 

Don't look back. Looks like you've grown bored with this whole scenario and he was a crutch and you just don't need it anymore. At 38, no need to waste any more time on dead end relationship with some useless cowardly man.

He is not even saying "I'll do the right thing by you and will leave my wife" because he is afraid to be held accountable for his words.

 

You deserve so much better. Anyone does.

[CloudyHead]

I think dating was the perfect antidote for you. Affairs chip away at one's self-esteem. There's an emotional dynamic that is extremely unhealthy. Unfortunately by the time you realize that you've lost yourself in the affair, your self-esteem is non-existent and it is really hard to end the affair. You have put MM at the forefront of your life and have isolated yourself. Few or no friends. Limited social interaction with others. Adapting your schedule and life to accommodate MM's schedule and life.

 

In reality, what is holding you back is fear. Fear that you will be alone, fear that you will never meet someone who will love you like MM loves you, etc. Nothing is ever as bad as you imagine it will be and, in the end, you get your life back.

[proseandpassion]

I think dating was the perfect antidote for you. Affairs chip away at one's self-esteem. There's an emotional dynamic that is extremely unhealthy. Unfortunately by the time you realize that you've lost yourself in the affair, your self-esteem is non-existent and it is really hard to end the affair. You have put MM at the forefront of your life and have isolated yourself. Few or no friends. Limited social interaction with others. Adapting your schedule and life to accommodate MM's schedule and life.

 

In reality, what is holding you back is fear. Fear that you will be alone, fear that you will never meet someone who will love you like MM loves you, etc. Nothing is ever as bad as you imagine it will be and, in the end, you get your life back.

 

I think you're exactly right. He even told me no one could love me like he could... Repeatedly.

 

I didn't think I feared being alone because really, I have been this whole time. But I think you're right on that too.

[anika99]

You are in your late thirties so you are still in your prime years but you don't have much longer. The older you get the smaller the dating pool becomes for someone seeking an actual relationship with a desirable partner. Of course there are lots of feel good stories out there about women finding true love in their older years and I don't doubt that it happens but for every success story there are way more non success stories.

 

Don't waste the rest of your prime years on this MM. Get that car sold and get him 100% out of your life. You will never really move on as long as you are continuing to engage with him. You're in a fragile spot right now. You think you're strong enough to not get sucked back in but a few bad dates or a minor crisis will have you running back to his outstretched arms. If you truly want to move forward then you have to brave and cut the cord.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

he thinks we are meant to be together, that he received an answer from God that we are meant to be together.

 

False. God is not in the business of breaking up marriages/families.

[proseandpassion]

You are in your late thirties so you are still in your prime years but you don't have much longer. The older you get the smaller the dating pool becomes for someone seeking an actual relationship with a desirable partner. Of course there are lots of feel good stories out there about women finding true love in their older years and I don't doubt that it happens but for every success story there are way more non success stories.

 

Don't waste the rest of your prime years on this MM. Get that car sold and get him 100% out of your life. You will never really move on as long as you are continuing to engage with him. You're in a fragile spot right now. You think you're strong enough to not get sucked back in but a few bad dates or a minor crisis will have you running back to his outstretched arms. If you truly want to move forward then you have to brave and cut the cord.

 

You are correct. In the past I've caved because I had a bad date and or felt lonely and fell back into old patterns. I know I'm fragile and that's why I posted. I need to hold myself accountable.

[Happy Lemming]

- I was not attractive enough to date (I gained weight in 2016 due to work stress--MM never encouraged me to lose it)

 

Why is the responsibility of anyone (other than your doctor) to encourage you to lose weight?? It certainly is not the responsibility of your lover to tell you to lose weight. You would have blasted MM, if he mentioned your weight.

 

Surely (back in 2016) you saw the numbers on the scale go up. I'm sure your clothing got tighter or you had to purchase larger clothing. Put the fork down and go for a walk!!

 

If you feel you are unattractive because you gained weight, why didn't you do something about it back in 2016 when you first noticed it was becoming a problem.

 

You can't blame MM for this factor in your life.

[proseandpassion]

Why is the responsibility of anyone (other than your doctor) to encourage you to lose weight?? It certainly is not the responsibility of your lover to tell you to lose weight. You would have blasted MM, if he mentioned your weight.

 

Surely (back in 2016) you saw the numbers on the scale go up. I'm sure your clothing got tighter or you had to purchase larger clothing. Put the fork down and go for a walk!!

 

If you feel you are unattractive because you gained weight, why didn't you do something about it back in 2016 when you first noticed it was becoming a problem.

 

You can't blame MM for this factor in your life.

 

I think I was misleading there. I meant that he always discouraged me from dieting because he said he loved me as I was. My theory there was that he was scared if I lost enough weight I would want out of the A.

[Happy Lemming]

Our youth is very precious to us. We all want the most out of the "human experience". Our 20's, 30's and early 40's are our time to enjoy our youth.

 

Personally, I was very nomadic during that time and enjoyed many adventures and had a blast in my youth.

 

Although your affair lasted for 5 years, there is still a lot of "youth" left for you to go have fun and fulfill your adventures, whatever they may be.

 

Best of luck with your new life...

 

Now, go have some FUN!!

[Bufo]

I’ve written this many times before. Rule Number 1 for the MM in an A is that it is easier to keep the current AP than it is to locate, groom and seduce a new A P.

He knows this is true, and therefore continues to contact you. Any response from you reaches him to keep trying.

 

A common dictum at another site tell the truth: no new contact = no new hurts. Block him and move on.

[lovely81]

Your list sounds awesome and exciting! Good luck with your new life.

[S2B]

Give him the keys and title to that car.

 

It's a small price to pay to get rid of a manipulative jerk who's been wasting years of your life.

 

Then change all your contact info.

 

Go out on dates and enjoy life!

 

Don't look back!

[sandylee1]

He sees you have options and suddenly wants to be brave. That's jealousy for you.

[proseandpassion]

I am really struggling here. I was doing pretty good with very, very low to no contact, but then on Saturday MM called me and was super upset about me ending things and not being able to be with me, telling me he hasn't slept in days, that he's thought it over and over and that he wants to be with me and do what he needs to do to be with me (getting a D).

 

I told him that I can't stick around and go through the rollercoaster of a divorce with him, and that I don't believe he actually will go through with it so I don't want to go through the pain and disappointment of going through that. I told him that if there were any sliver of hope of us ever being together it would be in the future on an entirely new foundation where he is a single man, with the ink on the divorce DRY, and only then it is an IF. A BIG Maybe.

 

He admitted that he had difficulty with that and the uncertainty was scary to him. I had to tell him how scary it was to be in an uncertain affair for five years - but again, sometimes it feels like it's all about his needs. I told him he needs to think about what he wants for himself and get what he wants out of life, but I am on my own trajectory.

 

Well, a few days have passed, and somehow this message was lost in translation as me being willing to just sit on the sidelines - SINGLE - and wait for him while he gets his **** sorted out? I found this out via text today. Once again I had to spell it out for him, and I told him the future is an unknown and if he for some reason does get a D, I cannot guarantee I will be single, available, or even interested in talking to him. Then I told him to come get the car in two weeks or I would sell it. I gave him specific instructions on how to pick it up so we don't have to interact or even see each other.

 

He told me that we had a special love, and that no one would ever love me like he does.

 

This time I blocked his number, and his account on all social media platforms.

 

I thought I'd feel liberated, but I feel terrible. I feel horrible for hurting someone, and I'm also worried that he will haunt me forever, that he will pop up forever and ruin future relationships. I feel so stupid for making this mistake five years ago.

[CantTakeMySmile]

{snip}

 

 

I thought I'd feel liberated, but I feel terrible. I feel horrible for hurting someone, and I'm also worried that he will haunt me forever, that he will pop up forever and ruin future relationships. I feel so stupid for making this mistake five years ago.

 

 

 

Yes, but you should feel great that you have done something for yourself and you have made a decision to not go back. Congratulations!

Edited July 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Happy Lemming]

This time I blocked his number, and his account on all social media platforms.

 

Do you need to change the locks on your place?? Does he have a key to your home??

[Vivir]

Proseandpassion, I agree with Can't Take My Smile! Congratulations for standing up for yourself! Someone has to do it, and since no one else can effectively do it for you...you DID IT!

 

I am really struggling here. I was doing pretty good with very, very low to no contact, but then on Saturday MM called me and was super upset about me ending things and not being able to be with me, telling me he hasn't slept in days, that he's thought it over and over and that he wants to be with me and do what he needs to do to be with me (getting a D).

 

He admitted that he had difficulty with that and the uncertainty was scary to him. I had to tell him how scary it was to be in an uncertain affair for five years - but again, sometimes it feels like it's all about his needs.

 

Well, a few days have passed, and somehow this message was lost in translation as me being willing to just sit on the sidelines - SINGLE - and wait for him while he gets his **** sorted out? I found this out via text today. Once again I had to spell it out for him, and I told him the future is an unknown and if he for some reason does get a D, I cannot guarantee I will be single, available, or even interested in talking to him.

 

He told me that we had a special love, and that no one would ever love me like he does. [This is manipulation]

 

This time I blocked his number, and his account on all social media platforms.

 

And it hurts really really really bad

 

It hurts to do what is right for you sometimes. To him, you're the "bad" one. You have taken away his toy, his escape from real life, his soft landing, etc. You're not responding the "right" or "usual" or "intended" way. You changed! You weren't supposed to do that, dang it!

 

But by getting rid of him, you have taken away the possibility of future, additional pain and festering resentment. You have started down the path to being open to someone new, who will hopefully be single and available to share Life with you out in the open... or maybe not... but once you're feeling better, you will be free of the nonsense required to romantically entertain a man who willfully can't be yours to keep.

 

He will have to deal with this loss in his own way. You cannot help him through it (he has a wife, for goodness sake!), just like he will not be able to help you through it... It is a loss. It is going to take time to get over it. And... It is going to hurt.

 

By the way, your message wasn't lost in translation. It is child-like for him to think you will forget or elapsed Time will help you to cool off and change your mind. He doesn't understand that it took resentment building up for you to make your decision... You're not going to forget. You're not going to cool off.

 

As for me, I never changed my number, but I did block. He called from different numbers... I didn't expect him to do this. When I answered and realized it was him, I was cordial, limited the call to less than five minutes (this happened two or three times), and restated my position when he asked about continued conversation. I blocked because, even though I still felt incredibly guilty for kicking him out of my life AND still (loved? and) cared about him, I was quite angry and talking with him increased my level of resentment.

 

He even showed up at my place once in the middle of the night. It wasn't until then that I really considered having the locks changed... I also had to develop a plan on how to deal with him possibly doing that in the future. He never did it again.

[proseandpassion]

He gave me back my key right the day after I ended things but I guess he could have copied it. Should I change them just in case?

 

He was pretty enmeshed in my life. I never even went in his house.

[Happy Lemming]

He gave me back my key right the day after I ended things but I guess he could have copied it. Should I change them just in case?

 

Many years ago, I lived with a woman. It was a nasty breakup. When she left I changed the locks, even though she gave me my key back. In the back of my mind, I always thought she made a copy. New locks were only $5 each at the local hardware store, back then and two screws to change them (kwikset brand). I slept better knowing they were changed.

 

Just my two cents...

[CantTakeMySmile]

yes change you locks. An easy solution for a possible problem. I would do this immediately. In fact, I always do, an ex does not need the ability to invade your space in anyw way.

[FMW]

but again, sometimes it feels like it's all about his needs.

 

You have it exactly right - for him it IS all about HIS needs.

 

He told me that we had a special love, and that no one would ever love me like he does.

 

You better hope to God no one ever "loves" you like he does!

 

I thought I'd feel liberated, but I feel terrible. I feel horrible for hurting someone, and I'm also worried that he will haunt me forever, that he will pop up forever and ruin future relationships. I feel so stupid for making this mistake five years ago.

 

What you're feeling is normal. You're only hurting him in that you're not letting him continue using you and disrespecting you. How much more has he hurt you?

 

It will take time and it's not going to be easy, so realize that and don't feel like crumbling every time the pain and tears come again. Because they will for a while. It's not how you're going to feel forever, you WILL get through this and move on -but only IF you stop letting him mess with your head and heart.

[S2B]

He gave me back my key right the day after I ended things but I guess he could have copied it. Should I change them just in case?

 

He was pretty enmeshed in my life. I never even went in his house.

 

Yes, definitely change the locks. It takes back your power. You are in charge of your personal space - it doesn't give him a chance to come in uninvited.