Another 3 years went by in the A... Now what?

[proseandpassion]

Thank you everyone. I'm still feeling really guilty. I think it's even more important for me to stay NC so I can reorient my feelings. I shouldn't be feeling guilty. I've wanted to be free for a long long time.

 

Last night I was thinking about despite the A, how incompatible we were. His negativity, procrastination, and stubbornness would drive me crazy...as well as how much of a control freak he was.

[Poppy47]

Thank you everyone. I'm still feeling really guilty. I think it's even more important for me to stay NC so I can reorient my feelings. I shouldn't be feeling guilty. I've wanted to be free for a long long time.

 

Last night I was thinking about despite the A, how incompatible we were. His negativity, procrastination, and stubbornness would drive me crazy...as well as how much of a control freak he was.

 

Well, what was it then that you liked about him... I can't see anything too much to like in what you have written.

POppy

[brigit87]

I am really struggling here. I was doing pretty good with very, very low to no contact, but then on Saturday MM called me and was super upset about me ending things and not being able to be with me, telling me he hasn't slept in days, that he's thought it over and over and that he wants to be with me and do what he needs to do to be with me (getting a D).

 

I told him that I can't stick around and go through the rollercoaster of a divorce with him, and that I don't believe he actually will go through with it so I don't want to go through the pain and disappointment of going through that. I told him that if there were any sliver of hope of us ever being together it would be in the future on an entirely new foundation where he is a single man, with the ink on the divorce DRY, and only then it is an IF. A BIG Maybe.

 

He admitted that he had difficulty with that and the uncertainty was scary to him. I had to tell him how scary it was to be in an uncertain affair for five years - but again, sometimes it feels like it's all about his needs. I told him he needs to think about what he wants for himself and get what he wants out of life, but I am on my own trajectory.

 

Well, a few days have passed, and somehow this message was lost in translation as me being willing to just sit on the sidelines - SINGLE - and wait for him while he gets his **** sorted out? I found this out via text today. Once again I had to spell it out for him, and I told him the future is an unknown and if he for some reason does get a D, I cannot guarantee I will be single, available, or even interested in talking to him. Then I told him to come get the car in two weeks or I would sell it. I gave him specific instructions on how to pick it up so we don't have to interact or even see each other.

 

He told me that we had a special love, and that no one would ever love me like he does.

 

This time I blocked his number, and his account on all social media platforms.

 

I thought I'd feel liberated, but I feel terrible. I feel horrible for hurting someone, and I'm also worried that he will haunt me forever, that he will pop up forever and ruin future relationships. I feel so stupid for making this mistake five years ago.

 

 

I guarantee you this if he ever gets a divorce he won't be faithful to you. So you can sit around and wait for him to be single but you'll be sorry that you did.

 

And there is no "special love" going on at all. There's a very selfish man getting all his needs met. That's all.

[skywriter]

Thank you everyone. I'm still feeling really guilty. I think it's even more important for me to stay NC so I can reorient my feelings. I shouldn't be feeling guilty. I've wanted to be free for a long long time.

 

Last night I was thinking about despite the A, how incompatible we were. His negativity, procrastination, and stubbornness would drive me crazy...as well as how much of a control freak he was.

 

You sound like a very giving soul, one that very easily puts others needs before yours. This man seems to have the ability to take this and use it for his own selfish gain.

 

Fortunantely, you are also very wise and in all the years this man, has interrupted your journey through life, he's left you many learning experiences.

 

In the future, don't let the interesting outer shell, the unique appearance,pretty words, do not a future partner make. In fact, often we don't even see the gift until we unwrap all that pretty packaging and see what's way down inside.

[proseandpassion]

You sound like a very giving soul, one that very easily puts others needs before yours. This man seems to have the ability to take this and use it for his own selfish gain.

 

Fortunantely, you are also very wise and in all the years this man, has interrupted your journey through life, he's left you many learning experiences.

 

In the future, don't let the interesting outer shell, the unique appearance,pretty words, do not a future partner make. In fact, often we don't even see the gift until we unwrap all that pretty packaging and see what's way down inside.

 

You're very right. I think just blocking someone isn't anything I've ever done before. I remember when I was 20 someone I loved dumped and ghosted me and it gutted me so I keep thinking of those feelings. But I have to remember me and MM don't feel the same way. I could see lack of understanding in his eyes all the time about the way emotions work. Not only did he cheat on his wife, he had a double life from her. I told him again and again how much he disappointed me in his treatment of her. He is a sad, broken person.

 

I know I'm doing the right thing. I will never go back. I won't be with someone out of pity, which is the card he plays.

[Ronnie33]

I was in affair for 5 years. I loved him very much but I finally realized I needed to love myself more. I’m done and even though he is still in my mind often I am much happier.

 

Those 5 years were like the dark years.

 

If you need to talk you can PM me. I understand.

 

Good luck.

[Bufo]

At another site a favorite aphorism is No new contact, No new hurts.

 

Think about it. You may be hurting now, but it involves the past and the present. Continued contact creates new things to feel bad about. The last is receding into the distance, and the present will soon be past.

 

Also, think about all the recent effort that will go down the drain wasted if contact continues.

 

You know the right path. Stay on that path.

[proseandpassion]

Thanks all. I'm still in NC. I'm not going to undo it this time. I know it in my soul. I'm truly done with it.

 

Blocking is the only way. I'm now also very grateful that dating apps require matching on both ends, as that was his MO a few years ago when I ended things. I've deleted my dating app accounts just in case as well.

[CKJD]

Good work, Prose.

 

I was thinking about my situation compared to yours and I think one of the issues (though, of course, it is really a NON-issue) that my addicted brain kept getting stuck on was how disappointing my mere 9 months with her was after all the drama and sacrifice. I stupidly wanted more time with this person. I know an attachment to somebody is always hard to break, but I wonder if you told yourself that 3 years was a sufficient amount of time with this person that you might be able to let go easier? Might be a helpful little trick when you start going down memory lane or get stuck on disappointment.

 

You are so on the right track in really scrutinising this guy's actions and learning to love yourself. Keep up the good work.

[proseandpassion]

It's funny how easy I can forget about him for a few days and then it hits me like a wave. It's not that I'm yearning for him, I'm mourning the end of something. Five years is such a long time. Another reason I wanted out was that I felt in limbo... No way to advance in an A. No momentum. I feel like the 5 years happened in an instant even though I'm also grieving how much time was lost.

[proseandpassion]

XMM and I had brief, business like contact over email about the car we share.

 

He came and picked it up on Friday while I was at work. Finally, my last connection to him is gone. I feel so relieved.

[AngelLove]

XMM and I had brief, business like contact over email about the car we share.

 

He came and picked it up on Friday while I was at work. Finally, my last connection to him is gone. I feel so relieved.

 

Good for you..I bet it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders.Now you can begin moving forward and healing.

 

I have to make a decison myself too So I can begin the moving on process

[proseandpassion]

I spoke too soon. I left the house this morning to go to the grocery store and MM ambushed me with flowers.

 

I'm actually getting scared. I told him I would get a restraining order if he ever shows up again.

[Mizz Layta]

You did the right thing...kudos on you for sticking your guns.His ego is hurting and he misses the attention.This also shows how selfish he really is.

 

Does his wife know about you? I would threaten to tell his wife..that would send him running for the hills

[proseandpassion]

I am having a rough day. First off, I should explain that I have a chronic auto-immune condition. My xMM always took care of me--and at times I felt I could never be truly on my own because I'd never find someone who would accept my illness.

 

I am having a bad flare up right now, and generally feeling depressed and unwell. And then, driving home from work today, I passed by xMM on my way home. We locked eyes.

 

Now I am home, bawling, because I feel so alone and I miss someone to care for me and to tell me everything is going to be okay.

[stillafool]

My cute little dog can emotionally manipulate me with his big brown eyes and his wagging tail, to give him just one more treat or throw him another bone.

 

 

A man who emotionally manipulates me? Not so much.

 

 

 

I've read on these forums that the MM are "emotionally manipulating" the OW. I don't think so.

 

 

 

Are we all grown adults here? You knew exactly what you were doing, and so did he. You knew it was a relationship built on lies with no foundation. That's not emotional manipulation.

 

 

I can't stand the thought of seeing myself as a victim, as someone who was "emotionally manipulated" when I knew exactly what was happening.

 

I completely agree. Women are not mindless idiots but adults who can make their own decisions. Too many times the MM is blamed for the affair not ending but it takes two. I'm sorry you're in pain but do you have friends and family?

Edited August 28, 2018 by stillafool

[FMW]

Unless you're willing to be taken care of only on his terms, then you have to stay away from him!

 

You probably haven't given any other guy a chance to see if he would "accept" your illness, because you've been focused on the MM. You deserve someone who is devoted to only you, but you won't find him while you're still holding on to MM.

 

You're feeling really low and vulnerable right now. It WILL pass. Just stay strong and get through it. Not only is being in an affair a roller coaster of emotions, but getting over the affair is also. Staying away from him will eventually end that ride. Holding on to him will keep it going. And going.

 

You're not alone, you know that from reading so many other stories here. Stay away from him and just keep posting when you feel low.

[proseandpassion]

I'm staying strong. I'm going to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow. I do well not thinking about him, but it's so hard not to when I run into him irl. :/

[proseandpassion]

And thank you everyone for encouraging me. I just had all these feelings and had to get them out, so I appreciate this being a supportive place.

[FMW]

I totally get it, believe me.

 

I'm telling you exactly what I have to tell myself, sometimes several times a day.

[proseandpassion]

I had a tidal wave of grief over the relationship basically. So so happy I started going to therapy. I would never get through this without it.

[seren]

Just wanted to wish you well and to hope to stay strong. When you meet the one, he will shout it out to the rooftops and you will never have to be hidden. Everyone should have love that does that, as for your illness, I can empathise, I have MCTD, get all the help and support you need, accept help from others when offered. You are doing so well, wishing you the very best x

[Angelica21]

Dear proseandpassion --

 

WOW, I can hardly believe that you and me are almost identical in everything that you described !!

 

I ended my A successfully, and if you need and want more support and reactions from me to assure you that you must and can follow through until permanent successful NC, I will be happy to provide that support for you.

 

There are so many things you said about your MM that are EXACTLY my MM's personality, attitude, what he says, how he acts.

 

There are so many things you said about yourself that are EXACTLY like me regarding alternating feelings of determination or doubt, confiding in a therapist, having your MM surprise you and possibly needing a restraining order (I never needed to get an RO, but I came close, and I could've and would've if he hadn't backed off).

 

I don't want this answer to get too long, but I might go back post-by-post to offer even more specific strength and determination for you.

[Angelica21]

Dear proseandpassion --

 

I'm responding to your post from earlier this week regarding you're not feeling well, and feeling alone and missing your xMM who was a compassionate caregiver to you.

 

I, too, have felt exactly that way. After ending the A, I frequently cried from loneliness. I felt totally bereft because my xMM would've taken care of me, and would've assured me that everything is going to be okay.

 

I have not yet found a new relationship because I've not yet healed emotinally 100%.

 

But I assure myself, and let me assure you, too, that you and I will ultimately find someone not married who will love us enough to take good care of us.

 

In the meantime, as I said before, take a little bit of comfort knowing that my situation is so much like yours, and it feels good to know someone with a similar experience.

[Angelica21]

Just one more response, to some things you said in an earlier post:

 

"He told me that we had a special love, and that no one would ever love me like he does. This time I blocked his number, and his account on all social media platforms. I thought I'd feel liberated, but I feel terrible. I feel horrible for hurting someone, and I'm also worried that he will haunt me forever, that he will pop up forever and ruin future relationships. I feel so stupid for making this mistake five years ago."

 

My xMM told me EXACTLY the same words: he loves me so much that no one will ever love me as much as he loves me. BUT THAT'S ALL ABOUT HIM, NOT ABOUT ME !! His love for me, and awesome wonderful treatment of me, DID NOTHING to help my self esteem and emotions, it actually harmed me quite a bit, while it gave him a lot of emotional satisfaction.

 

I became very hard-hearted about "hurting him" by breaking up ... by the time I got enough gumption to do it, it had been TEN YEARS of an A !! I cried so many tears in those 10 years regarding the futility and lack of a future with him that if it takes him 10 years or more to get over me then we're "even steven".

 

Don't worry in advance about him popping up in the future to ruin future relationships. By then time that might happen, you will be so strong that you'll have no trouble pushing him back to NC.

 

Try not to feel stupid for making this mistake. It is natural to feel stupid, and I've felt plenty stupid. But try to talk yourself out of it every time that you judge yourself as stupid. You are not stupid.