Another 3 years went by in the A... Now what?

[Poppy47]

Dear proseandpassion --

 

I'm responding to your post from earlier this week regarding you're not feeling well, and feeling alone and missing your xMM who was a compassionate caregiver to you.

 

I, too, have felt exactly that way. After ending the A, I frequently cried from loneliness. I felt totally bereft because my xMM would've taken care of me, and would've assured me that everything is going to be okay.

 

I have not yet found a new relationship because I've not yet healed emotinally 100%.

 

But I assure myself, and let me assure you, too, that you and I will ultimately find someone not married who will love us enough to take good care of us.

 

In the meantime, as I said before, take a little bit of comfort knowing that my situation is so much like yours, and it feels good to know someone with a similar experience.

 

Hi Angelica,

I also felt devastating loneliness when I broke up with MM.

 

I was very much alone after my husband died and all over the place.

 

The intensity of the relationship was such that its absence left an abyss in my world, although it had been a secret.

 

 

I hope you find the relationship you would like in the future. Take your time. Don't start looking until you are well and truly over your A. It simply won't work for you.

 

Poppy

[Angelica21]

Hi Angelica,

I also felt devastating loneliness when I broke up with MM.

 

I was very much alone after my husband died and all over the place.

 

The intensity of the relationship was such that its absence left an abyss in my world, although it had been a secret.

 

 

I hope you find the relationship you would like in the future. Take your time. Don't start looking until you are well and truly over your A. It simply won't work for you.

 

Poppy

 

Hi, Poppy,

 

Thank you SO MUCH for responding with your kind words and optimism.

 

I absolutely agree that I'm taking my time before seeking a new relationship.

 

I should mention that I'm 64 years old and retired, because that influences some of the choices available to me (in both good ways and bad ways).

 

When I considered online dating and started creating a profile, it gave me so much anxiety that I knew immediately that I was not ready, and I set that aside !! No sense in stabbing myself in the eye with a fork !! LOL

 

On the other hand, when a friend suggested that I volunteer at my local political party's headquarters or candidate headquarters just to get out in the real world, that felt so appealing and right that I'm going to look online today to find out locations, etc.

 

I've already started steps to feel like the "real me" again. I'm loving the feeling of redemption and restoration.

 

Thanks again, Poppy, for answering my post !!!

[proseandpassion]

I thought I would give an update on my situation since it's been a minute.

 

I have been receiving emails still from xMM, which I promptly delete and/or ignore. No replies on my end. It was the only way he could get through to me, which I left open due to the car we owned together - but now that that's settled, I see no reason not to block him.

 

I also just got back from a two week solo journey to Europe. It was a complete rollercoaster of emotions. I felt totally isolated at times, and missed MM and would find myself unexpectedly choked up. It was like that for the first week and a bit more. Going to another country where I can't speak the language is so lonely, but when I got back home I felt like... totally over him.

 

I looked at his and his wife's instagram last night. They look closer than ever. When he and I were together, he never did any activities with her and excluded her from everything for fear of upsetting me. Now there are photos of them together on instagram for the first time ever. I felt a lot of things looking at the pictures - but mostly, I see him as a liar and a coward. I hope he can finally just be happy in his marriage.

 

I don't feel sad anymore because I know the person I missed never existed.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Your strength and resolve is giving me hope. I am so glad this trip helped you see things for what they were. Our situations seem very similar. I'm going to Europe next week solo for the exact same reason.

 

I know it's hard right now but do your hurting heart a favour and not check out their social media. It just sets you back a bit each time you look and you've made so much progress. I'm not going to check the W's FB for fear of celebratory photos, or upbeat posts of togetherness or whatever cr*p could be on there. It will just be touching the hot stove. Not worth it.

[proseandpassion]

Your strength and resolve is giving me hope. I am so glad this trip helped you see things for what they were. Our situations seem very similar. I'm going to Europe next week solo for the exact same reason.

 

I know it's hard right now but do your hurting heart a favour and not check out their social media. It just sets you back a bit each time you look and you've made so much progress. I'm not going to check the W's FB for fear of celebratory photos, or upbeat posts of togetherness or whatever cr*p could be on there. It will just be touching the hot stove. Not worth it.

 

I don't want to suggest travel for anytime there is heart break, but for me it is a fast track to getting over it.

 

I don't plan on looking at IG again. In this case it confirmed every feeling I had, it made me feel so happy I got out.

[What_Did_I_Do]

 

I don't plan on looking at IG again. In this case it confirmed every feeling I had, it made me feel so happy I got out.

 

Good news. Healing is now a forward journey for you. Keep strong prose.

 

Oh, I fully expect there will be tears. Will try to limit them to the overnight flights LOL.

[darkbloom]

When I see photos of them on social media looking happy, I always think about the big lie between them (me). (Selfishly) I’m glad I’m not her and being lied to and trying to figure out why my husband sometimes goes hot and cold.

 

Being an OW is tough but being a BS is worse.

[proseandpassion]

Hello all. Thought I'd give an update: I've been NC and remained there since August.

 

He still writes me weekly on email, and there are days when I miss him so bad I curl into the fetal position and bawl my eyes out.

 

But it's truly over and I'm so proud that I have stuck to NC.

[Abetterme]

I just saw your update and wanted to say well done!!! Your resolve is inspiring!

[whichwayisup]

Good that you're in NC since August. I hope you can soon block him to go TOTAL no contact. Reading his emails isn't good for you and gives him room in your head. You don't need that! Make 2019 all about you and ridding anything that reminds you of him, and that includes blocking him.

[AngelLove]

Hey OP. I admire you for your strength. Keep up the good work. However, I feel like there might be part of you that is still holding on. You shouldn't even know that he still writes to you. If you're truly done then you would block every avenue of commutation with him, including email. Block him. Reading his email is only setting you back

[proseandpassion]

You may be right. There may be a part of me that still hopes he meant what he said and will get a D and come back for me.

 

I am still dating, and always find it challenging, and still compare single men to him... I never feel as loved as I did with my xMM, but I really doubt everything about his sincerity now. He did everything for me to placate me--put me high up on a pedestal, and catered to my every whim. The men I have dated since aren't devoted to me--but that's because they have options. MM do not.

 

I do miss him fiercely every month or so, but I manage to get over the hump. It's getting easier.

[AngelLove]

You may be right. There may be a part of me that still hopes he meant what he said and will get a D and come back for me.

 

I am still dating, and always find it challenging, and still compare single men to him... I never feel as loved as I did with my xMM, but I really doubt everything about his sincerity now. He did everything for me to placate me--put me high up on a pedestal, and catered to my every whim. The men I have dated since aren't devoted to me--but that's because they have options. MM do not.

 

I do miss him fiercely every month or so, but I manage to get over the hump. It's getting easier.

 

I understand, it's hard. I tried leaving my MM but failed because part of me was still holding on. Thinking he'll realize what he lost and leave his family. I left the lines of communication open because part of me was still hoping he will come back. And he did but nothing changed. It's the same old. He has no intention of leaving his wife. Now I'm trying to find streghth to end it for good as hard as it is.

 

The truth of the matter is, If they wanted to leave their wives, they would have. And It wouldn't have anything to do with us. They want it all. A family life and mistress on the side for fun to fill out the gaps that's missing in thier marriage. They have alot to lose so they rarely leave their families to start all over. I wouldn't hold up hope of him leaving his wife. If he hasn't left in 5 years, it's highly unlikely he will

[LimeBlue]

I understand, it's hard. I tried leaving my MM but failed because part of me was still holding on. Thinking he'll realize what he lost and leave his family. I left the lines of communication open because part of me was still hoping he will come back. And he did but nothing changed. It's the same old. He has no intention of leaving his wife. Now I'm trying to find streghth to end it for good as hard as it is.

 

The truth of the matter is, If they wanted to leave their wives, they would have. And It wouldn't have anything to do with us. They want it all. A family life and mistress on the side for fun to fill out the gaps that's missing in thier marriage. They have alot to lose so they rarely leave their families to start all over. I wouldn't hold up hope of him leaving his wife. If he hasn't left in 5 years, it's highly unlikely he will

 

Mine took 4 years to leave. He left in March 2018 and the divorce went through in July 2018. I thought we were then working towards a future... except my divorce is still not through (it is taking time, but I am separated). He used this as his excuse. Come November 2018 he met someone else and broke off with me. He just would not wait a while longer for me. Just because his divorce went through first and suddenly he was alone and lonely, he replaced me suddenly and I am left blindsided and devastated.

 

His excuse was that I am not yet divorced and he is not willing to wait another 6 months for me

[elaine567]

I am still dating, and always find it challenging, and still compare single men to him... I never feel as loved as I did with my xMM, but I really doubt everything about his sincerity now. He did everything for me to placate me--put me high up on a pedestal, and catered to my every whim. The men I have dated since aren't devoted to me--but that's because they have options. MM do not.

MM also have had the rough edges smoothed off, they have lived with a woman, they often have had kids too and they are the "marrying kind", so they are are often very attractive to women looking for a relationship.

They know what to say and when to say it for maximum effect...

They start by being on the back foot, as they have a wife at home, but they make up for that by using their experience to know which buttons to push to make sure the OW is hooked.

Also some of these guys cheating on their wives were players in their previous life, so are super smooth... Do not be fooled by the "I am a poor downtrodden husband" routine...

 

Read - https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/575630-shocker-2.html#post6851090

[proseandpassion]

Well, lots of time and therapy has shown me what a spineless coward my xMM was, and I have not had contact with him nor do I miss him these days.

 

It feels good to move on finally, but this last year was not easy.

[mark clemson]

That's good. The emotions eventually fade - it just take a lot longer than we'd like.

 

You have your pick of the single men now. Don't compare them to MM - the "taboo" nature of the affair and limerence (if you had it) tend to intensify things. Try to see them for who they are so you can make a good choice.

[DKT3]

I never get the "he is a coward" comment from OW or especially MW about the MM.

 

Saying he is a coward suggests that he actually wanted a legitimate relationship with his affair partner. Truth is that is rarely the case. So the coward comments are really from your perspective, and trusting his words over his actions.

 

At any rate, its irrelevant now. Good for you that you've been in a better place and looking forward, I wish you success

[elaine567]

Saying he is a coward suggests that he actually wanted a legitimate relationship with his affair partner. Truth is that is rarely the case.

Less of a coward, and more of a blaggard perhaps...

[AngelLove]

Well, lots of time and therapy has shown me what a spineless coward my xMM was, and I have not had contact with him nor do I miss him these days.

 

It feels good to move on finally, but this last year was not easy.

 

Good for you.I'm 2 years into my affair .tried to end it but failed miserably. I just need strength to walk away for good. I admire your strength

[HadMeOverABarrel]

My cute little dog can emotionally manipulate me with his big brown eyes and his wagging tail, to give him just one more treat or throw him another bone.

 

 

A man who emotionally manipulates me? Not so much.

 

 

 

I've read on these forums that the MM are "emotionally manipulating" the OW. I don't think so.

 

 

 

Are we all grown adults here? You knew exactly what you were doing, and so did he. You knew it was a relationship built on lies with no foundation. That's not emotional manipulation.

 

 

 

I can't stand the thought of seeing myself as a victim, as someone who was "emotionally manipulated" when I knew exactly what was happening.

 

Are you in to victim shaming much? Sheesh. Give her a break. She's doing the best she can at the moment. If there was no such thing as manipulation, there wouldn't be a word for it. Some people are more vulnerable to it, especially at certain times of their lives. Congrats on your immunity and 20/20 vision of never falling for it. I suppose if everyone was as lucky as you, there would be far fewer posts on Loveshack. In short, don't be mean to those who are hurting and come humbly asking for help. How is that useful?

[vla1120]

I think I was misleading there. I meant that he always discouraged me from dieting because he said he loved me as I was. My theory there was that he was scared if I lost enough weight I would want out of the A.

 

You are absolutely right! I lived this with my first husband. As soon as I would start watching what I ate, or exercising, he would bring home boxes of chocolates and all my favorite junk food. He wasn't that "thoughtful" any other time - except when I was trying to lose weight.

 

Of course it truly is ultimately up to us to lose the weight and take better care of ourselves, but when you have someone who is not only unsupportive, but ENCOURAGES you to remain the way you are, it is degrading. It is SO degrading that sometimes we don't think enough of ourselves to put down the fork and go for a walk.