SunnyWeather Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 How would you respond if someone you've known for a long time has been having a decades-long affair with someone who is engaged? Would knowing that this friend is participating in deceit influence your ability to maintain the friendship or would you be more of the mindset to remain neutral with their choices? I personally do not know the AP or their partner. At it's most basic core, this friend has low self esteem and continuing to engage with this AP limits their ability to meet someone to have a committed relationship with, something this person has said they would like. I'd really be curious what others here think about this. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 I've tended not to get involved in friend's marriages or romances. Sometimes wives will mistake me for a girlfriend and I need to steer them back to their husbands for that stuff and tend to be a supporter of the marriage if any affair stuff is shared. Single friends, don't know of that's the case here, it's their business. Our friendship revolves around mutual interests. Who they have sex with isn't an interest that we share. Perhaps women are different, IDK. Guys in my social group don't talk about their bedroom stuff with their wives or who they're having sex with otherwise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 I'd stay out of it. It's probably enough hurt for them as is, so it's not like it goes without cost. I had a 10-year flirtation/brief affair with a guy. I had run into him and made out in the car and then it was only a couple of months before I found out from someone he had just gotten married. He never told me. He wasn't ever going to. Relationships can be really marginal sometimes, as ours was. We truly adored each other, but there was an age gap and I only saw one side of him. I didn't see the domestic side. I saw the musician side. But he had a strong side that wanted to be domestic I just didn't ever deal with. He knew more than me that we wouldn't have worked going in that direction, and he made a practical decision. I met his wife once and I liked her. It's enough heartache without your friends judging you. I never see him anymore but if I did, we'd still adore each other. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 I wouldn't get directly involved but I'd probably put some distance in the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 I wouldn't get directly involved but I'd probably put some distance in the friendship. I've done exactly that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnyWeather Posted July 25, 2018 Author Share Posted July 25, 2018 Thanks for the responses. When I first learned of this, I too was of the mind to not get involved, however I did ask how they would feel if they were in the position of being in a committed relationship and their partner was doing this. No amount of coaching to encourage pursuing a healthy relationship with someone available seemed to stick so I stopped asking. What would really get in my craw was that often when we would make plans to meet up it always depended upon when/if this friend was going to hook up with AP; I didn't like my time getting jerked around by a cheater, and for my schedule to be determined by their activities. I guess what's happened with me, is that I've lost respect for this person, try as I have to not judge. It just doesn't sit well with me. I see my friend's affair behavior spill over into other areas of their life, for example, regarding lack of healthy boundaries. I'm trying not to be judgey about it, but as a couple posters have said, I have put some distance away from this friend; initially subconsciously, and more recently, in not being so available to meet up or emotionally connect with the day-to-day things friends talk about. I just feel yucky about the whole situation Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 I just feel yucky about the whole situation Why wouldn't you? If this guy's wife is aware that he has a girlfriend on the side and is fine with it, then oh well... If the guy's wife is unaware, then your friend and this guy are liars. Complicit in duplicity. I don't keep friends who are liars; liars hurt people and can't be trusted. Distance sounds appropriate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 I wouldn't get directly involved but I'd probably put some distance in the friendship. I agree completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Still be her friend, but just don’t discuss her “relationship”. Link to post Share on other sites
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