GF waited a month to tell me she was raped.. But

[BillPaxton2424]

This is quite the tragic situation here and I don't know what to believe based on the timeine of events.

 

I am on vacation with my long time girlfriend of 3.5 years. The first week I was here she wanted to go out with friends. I thought it was odd that she didn't want to invite me but that is a different issue.

 

On that night (june 28) she apparently went out with friends, had 2 drinks and wanted to go home a bit early. Someone in their group offered to drive her to her car. She didn't really know this person very well but didn't think anything bad would happen.

 

She told me he drove her around for about 30 minutes to "sober up" then parked the car and proceeded to kiss and make moves towards he. She protested but he had climbed on top of her in the front passenger seat. He then pushed her back to the back of the car against her will and raped her. She has pictures of herself the morning after with horrible bruises all over her body, including her throat.

 

I was also present the following day and her demeanor COMPLETELY changed. Depressed, catatonic, etc. She distanced herself emotionally from me for the next 3 weeks, while also going out without me 3 more times...

 

All the while I had no idea what had happened until I found plan B and a receipt dated 6/30 in her purse while looking for change (on vacation needed some euros). Confronted her and she said it was for me.. We didnt have sex the night before that date. I didnt believe her story but gathered more evidence because I was actually worried about my own health...

 

I was extremely cold towards her and was a bit mean because I thought she had cheated on me. I didnt know how to handl the situation and regret some things I said ( have not dealt with this issue before and responded with pure emotions). I did however after a day tell her that I believed her. (she recently told her parents she was raped, which helped me)

 

Here is the big part that bothers me

 

She didn't go to the hospital, or the police. She didn't get tested for STD's and had sex with me unprotected before I found out this all happened. She says the night of the rape there was no condom used... Why would someone you have been with for almost 4 years lie to you about NOT having sex with someone else, and then proceed to put your health at risk by having sex with you...

 

I have booked a flight home early because this trip has been life changing for both of us. I have gotten her parents involved and she is scheduled for therapy starting this week. I need to take care of my own health which was put at risk before I can help someone else.

 

TLDR:

 

GF was raped

 

Didn't report

 

Didn't tell me and had unprotected sex with me afterwards

 

Only confessed after I found evidence of either cheating or rape.

 

I am leaving to deal with my own **** (getting tested in America)

 

Relationship seems doomed but I still want her to get the help she needs.

 

She cheated on me once that I know of for sure in the past, which is why I had my serious doubts about this.

 

Any advice or feedback is appreciated.

[basil67]

Of course she didn't report it. I mean, she's depressed, catatonic and has horrible bruises on her body and around her neck....and her own boyfriend doesn't believe she's been raped! If you didn't believe her, why would she think that the police would believe her?

 

It's estimated that significantly less than half of rapes are actually reported. Why? Because of the gruelling trial and incredibly low conviction rate. As a woman, I would also be reticent to report a rape because of what I would see as a 'secondary rape' by the justice system. Of course, going to the hospital would bring on all the reporting which many women want to avoid.

 

Lastly, you KNEW something had happened to her. Be it cheating or rape, you CHOSE to have unprotected sex with her knowing that someone else had been there first.

 

You have behaved appallingly in this situation. I agree that the relationship is going to end soon.

[BillPaxton2424]

I think you are confused. ONLY after I found the plan B in her purse did I know she did something. BEFORE I foud that she was open and willing to have sex with me, WITHOUT telling her partner that she may have been exposed to STD's.

 

AFTER i confronted her about the plan B, she lied to me 3 seperate times. So let me ask you does a woman in her situation have a responsibility to tell someone they may be exposed to potential life altering diseases?

[basil67]

I think you are confused. ONLY after I found the plan B in her purse did I know she did something. BEFORE I foud that she was open and willing to have sex with me, WITHOUT telling her partner that she may have been exposed to STD's.

 

AFTER i confronted her about the plan B, she lied to me 3 seperate times. So let me ask you does a woman in her situation have a responsibility to tell someone they may be exposed to potential life altering diseases?

 

No, I'm not confused. She was severely bruised and traumatised the day after. How did this not raise an alarm for you?

 

Also, a woman in this situation has a responsibility to survive. She probably wasn't thinking rationally either. Stop making it about you.

[BillPaxton2424]

Ok good to know a woman has 0 responsibility when it comes to telling her SO about possible life altering diseases.

Edited July 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DKT3]

You aren't wrong to question her story. Its common here for someone to come along and blame everything on the man, don't allow it to get to you.

 

I still think it's odd she would put herself in the same situation 3 more times. It's odd that she would lie about the plan B being from sex with you knowing you two didn't have sex. It sounds like typical cheaters behavior.

 

With that being said, there is no standard set behavior for someone who has been a victim, most rape victims don't come forward, many do attempt to hide it. I personally would support her and trust her until you cant.

[BillPaxton2424]

I have come to terms with believing her story and helping her get into therapy and get help from parents.

 

The big concern I have here is continuing to date someone who lies and doesn't say anything about possibly being infected with an STD, while still having sex with me.

 

I think the BIGGEST issue here is the fact that I am in a foreign country with no support. I am currently supporting her, and have gotten her parents involved.

 

At the end of the day do I want to be with someone who leaves me at home 1 week into a vacation to go drinking with other men. The answer is most certainly no with or without this specific incident.

[Gaeta]

I find it weird that she had enough sense after her rape to get a plan B, but no sense to get tested for life threatening illnesses. I also find unusual that she went out 3 more times without you shortly after the crime. Don't rape victims have a tendancy to isolate themselves right after but instead she repeated 3 times the event that got her raped.

 

She needs to report this. I don't care if it dies in a drawer somewhere it needs to be reported, period. This guy will keep on raping and her report along with other women that will report him may save a bunch of other women from getting raped by him.

[SevenCity]

You aren't wrong to question her story. Its common here for someone to come along and blame everything on the man, don't allow it to get to you.

 

I still think it's odd she would put herself in the same situation 3 more times. It's odd that she would lie about the plan B being from sex with you knowing you two didn't have sex. It sounds like typical cheaters behavior.

 

With that being said, there is no standard set behavior for someone who has been a victim, most rape victims don't come forward, many do attempt to hide it. I personally would support her and trust her until you cant.

 

Yea many posters here will somehow make it your fault.

 

If she's cheated before I wouldn't beleive it either. And you are right to be concerned about your health.

[BillPaxton2424]

Her father is seriously pissed at me for wanting to leave the trip early and go home....

 

The entire 1 month I have been here.. has been dealing with this and the aftermath.

 

I am at risk for STDs because she didn't tell me

 

she went out 3 nights afterwards with another "guy friend"

 

Also to clarifiy the night this happened...

She didn't invite me out, so I went out on my own with the plan that she would pick me up downtown at 2 AM. She never arrived and at 3:30 I got a taxi home. She then arrived at home at 4 AM and was apologetic.

 

The next morning I was furious at her for this reason so I did not notice her bruises. I just thought she was upset because of what had happened/"forgetting to pick me up"

[Thingsfallapart]

She only told you that because you found solid evidence of her cheating.

I had the same experience happen to me. Girlfriend went to meet a guy. Went to his apartment alone with him and had sex and later when I discovered it all through texts on her phone she claimed she was forced... But still kept messenging the guy lol

 

In my experience, women will try to monkey branch out of a relationship, get pumped and dumped, and then come home to the boyfriend pretending nothing happened.

 

If she was raped, why would she want sex with you soon after? Why wouldn’t she have told you straight away, that night? Why would she have continued to go out without you? Why would she get in a car alone with a guy? Why didn’t she get out of the car the moment he started trying to kiss her?

 

I think things could have possibly gone further than she wanted them too and perhaps she thought the guy liked her but he was rough and treated her like trash and so after she felt hurt and rejected... But this whole things smells rotten to me and I feel very sad for you.

 

What country are you on vacation in and is that where your girlfriend is from?

Edited July 24, 2018 by Thingsfallapart

[BillPaxton2424]

She is Italian, I am in Italy visiting her and her parents for 2 months. I have a ticket booked to leave in 2 days now and am getting the **** out. Once I get on the plane i am blocking all contact with her.

[d0nnivain]

Get yourself tested. That should ease your mind about your health issues.

 

But here's the thing: your GF was the victim of one of the most horrible crimes out there. Instead of being supportive & believing her, you have been angry & you don't believe her. She may have let the guy into her car but that doesn't mean she let him into her body. One of the reasons that so many rape victims don't report is they are afraid of exactly your reaction: blame the victim.

 

The better course would have been for you to be more attentive to the bruises, more supportive & less hostile. You need to initial believe people who tell you they have been raped. It's like innocent until proven guilty. You can't start out assuming it was consensual cheating.

 

Yes it was wrong for your GF to not protect your health but she wasn't thinking straight so try cutting her some slack.

[Thingsfallapart]

Donovan,

Why didn’t she just get out of the car?

[BillPaxton2424]

I will not cut her any slack for potentially ruining my life. I was attentive and confronter her 3 different times about the Plan B she had in her purse, she lied to my face 3 times and only confessed on the final confrontation.

 

People need to take responsibility for things and cheating/rape, whatever the situation is that occured I have notified her parents, she is in therapy and now its time for me to take care of myself.

 

She hasn't even been tested yet. She has refused to get tested so I am leaving for good and blocking all contact with her based on her after action of this "event"

[BillPaxton2424]

After the rape occured, she got back into the passenger seat with him and let him drive her to her car. Does this sound strange to anyone else?

[DKT3]

Get yourself tested. That should ease your mind about your health issues.

 

But here's the thing: your GF was the victim of one of the most horrible crimes out there. Instead of being supportive & believing her, you have been angry & you don't believe her. She may have let the guy into her car but that doesn't mean she let him into her body. One of the reasons that so many rape victims don't report is they are afraid of exactly your reaction: blame the victim.

 

The better course would have been for you to be more attentive to the bruises, more supportive & less hostile. You need to initial believe people who tell you they have been raped. It's like innocent until proven guilty. You can't start out assuming it was consensual cheating.

 

Yes it was wrong for your GF to not protect your health but she wasn't thinking straight so try cutting her some slack.

 

I mean he has cause to assume she cheated since she did in the past. I'm guessing that more men would have assumed the same, especially since she lied initially.

[Thingsfallapart]

This is what happened

 

This guy was probably in contact with her before they met. They probably agreed to meet. The girl thought the guy liked her. So she had sex with him, hoping it would go somewhere but she realised that he was rough and just using her, she probably met him again and saw that he wasn’t interested. Kept her boyfriend where he was because the monkey branch wasn’t working out.

 

Then the boyfriend finds concrete proof and she doesn’t know what to do because he knows she already cheated on him once before and he will never forgive her and she will feel like an awful person so she does the only thing that could possibly save the relationship and says she was raped.

 

 

Donavan

Women should be calling other women out on this because it does real rape victims a terrible disservice

[BillPaxton2424]

Either she is completely telling the truth and has HORRIBLE judgement, or she is building the most complex terrible lie known to man.

 

Either way, this is not my problem. I've helped her through 3 years of college and depression AND she has cheated on me in the past.

 

I am leaving, and never speaking to her again.

[coolheadal]

She is Italian, I am in Italy visiting her and her parents for 2 months. I have a ticket booked to leave in 2 days now and am getting the **** out. Once I get on the plane i am blocking all contact with her.

 

Wow! This not your fault at all. But now you know about how she is what she's been up to even though your there. You come there to be with her for 2 months on the first week she decides to go out without you. So she had you and other guys she was seeing too. This is the trouble with these sorts of relationships. I've learned you can't trust them to be loyal to you if your so far away from them. In your case she can't be trusted at all. What are her parents suppose to do nothing all they can do be be in shame of their daughter. She has blown it for the both of you now. I would do the same thing get on the play ASAP and get the heck out of that mess. Never contact her again, .like she really cares of you do or not she has her men she's been screwing behind your back and while you are there too. Rape or not still it might have not been one as she didn't report it. Once they don't report it you have to wonder why?

[d0nnivain]

Just break up with her. Stop making this worse for everybody including yourself.

 

How was she supposed to get out of a moving car or get out of a car with a man on top of her? To say she should have done more to stop it, is victim blaming.

 

In college I was drinking at a party & started flirting with a cute guy. He was a scholarship athlete although I didn't know that at the time. We were dancing, then kissing. When the party ended he asked me to go to a nearby diner with him. I was very eager. On the way there he said he forgot his wallet at his fraternity house which was kind of one the way. So we went there to get the wallet. In his room, standing up, there was more kissing. Then he "playfully" threw me on the bed. He was about 8 inches taller then me & 100 pounds heavier: 225 to my 115. We kissed for a bit more which I was fine with but then his hands started wandering. I said let's go to the diner. Instead he called me names, told me I wanted it & tried to pull my clothes off. Some creative thinking on my part led me to tell him I wanted to see him with his shirt off & that I wanted to give him a back rub. He got off my & allowed me to get on top of him. Fortunately, I was able to lull him to sleep but if I hadn't, would it really have been my fault that I got raped because I said yes to kissing a boy in his bedroom after I had been drinking underage? When I tried to report him that Monday the University told me it was my fault & refused to do anything. Being young & dumb, I never told the police.

 

I honestly don't know if your GF was cheating or was raped. My advice stands that you needed to start by believing her, not attacking her. Since you prefer not to do that, to call basil67 names & want this to be all about you, just cut ties with this woman. In the aftermath of her assault she doesn't need your negativity & insensitivity. She needs compassion.

 

If she's a cheater, you would have been better served ending things after the first infidelity.

[BaileyB]

This discussion is really sad for me...

 

Look, I'm sorry this happened to you and you obviously need to get yourself tested. But, this girl was assaulted in the worst way that she can be assaulted... Your lack of understanding and sympathy adds to the trauma she has experienced. If you want to get the **** out of town, then I suggest you go... because further to what she has experienced, she doesn't need a boyfriend who could be this insensitive anyway.

[BillPaxton2424]

So you think having unprotected sex with your partner after having unprotected sex with a rapist and not saying anything about it is not grounds for calling her out and dipping out without more compassion?

 

What are your priorities?

 

My reaction was perfect in this scenario.

 

Confront when suspicious

 

Tell Parents

 

Ask about her health

 

Think about my health next.

 

I didnt know she was out with guys in their cars having sex unprotected and if I had known I definitely wouldn't have sex with her ever again.

[Thingsfallapart]

Just break up with her. Stop making this worse for everybody including yourself.

 

How was she supposed to get out of a moving car or get out of a car with a man on top of her? To say she should have done more to stop it, is victim blaming.

 

In college I was drinking at a party & started flirting with a cute guy. He was a scholarship athlete although I didn't know that at the time. We were dancing, then kissing. When the party ended he asked me to go to a nearby diner with him. I was very eager. On the way there he said he forgot his wallet at his fraternity house which was kind of one the way. So we went there to get the wallet. In his room, standing up, there was more kissing. Then he "playfully" threw me on the bed. He was about 8 inches taller then me & 100 pounds heavier: 225 to my 115. We kissed for a bit more which I was fine with but then his hands started wandering. I said let's go to the diner. Instead he called me names, told me I wanted it & tried to pull my clothes off. Some creative thinking on my part led me to tell him I wanted to see him with his shirt off & that I wanted to give him a back rub. He got off my & allowed me to get on top of him. Fortunately, I was able to lull him to sleep but if I hadn't, would it really have been my fault that I got raped because I said yes to kissing a boy in his bedroom after I had been drinking underage? When I tried to report him that Monday the University told me it was my fault & refused to do anything. Being young & dumb, I never told the police.

 

I honestly don't know if your GF was cheating or was raped. My advice stands that you needed to start by believing her, not attacking her. Since you prefer not to do that, to call basil67 names & want this to be all about you, just cut ties with this woman. In the aftermath of her assault she doesn't need your negativity & insensitivity. She needs compassion.

 

If she's a cheater, you would have been better served ending things after the first infidelity.

 

 

Exactly, you just proved my point.

He didn’t just park the car and suddenly jump on top of her. That’s rediculous.

He probably started kissing and touching her first. At that point she could have said no and just got out of the car and called her boyfriend on the cellphone.

 

Her story has more holes than Swiss cheese

[Thingsfallapart]

Exactly, you just proved my point.

He didn’t just park the car and suddenly jump on top of her. That’s rediculous.

He probably started kissing and touching her first. At that point she could have said no and just got out of the car and called her boyfriend on the cellphone.

 

Her story has more holes than Swiss cheese

She was intending to cheat...