chixie Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 Hello - I am after some advice. I am an English woman that has become involved with an African male. We have known each other for many years through a previous work situation but have not had anything personal. Over the last few months we have connected on a personal level and have started flirting with each other and the idea of getting together but I have some issues that are concerning me that I need some advice on. First off, I understand how privileged I am to be born in the UK. However, he seems to rub it in all the time that I will never understand half the things he has gone through in his life due to being born in Africa. He goes on and on about this. I have told him that all I can do is try to understand what he has been through. The other thing he does that annoys me is he keeps calling me white girl and himself black guy and that i think i am superior because of my skin colour which is total rubbish! I am really uncomfortable being referred to by my skin colour, I am a person not my damn skin colour. And finally he calls me judgemental - because i found a comment on his facebook by a woman calling him husband and i questioned him about it and asked if he was married (as he told me he is single) and he keeps going on and on about me being judgemental - I did later confirm he is 100% single. But this is something he wont let go of and brings it up almost daily in our conversations. He is always telling me about how many issues he has being black, that people are abusive towards him, that he has been to the police so many times due to racial abuse etc And finally he doesnt have permanent residency here in the UK and he does go on about how he is genuine and would never marry for anything other than love. I am wondering if this guy has deeper issues and should i be concerned to get involved with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 In one word - yes! Did you tell him not to refer to you as "white girl"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chixie Posted July 23, 2018 Author Share Posted July 23, 2018 In one word - yes! Did you tell him not to refer to you as "white girl"? Yes, I have..I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable but he still does it but now he will say sorry to say this and then says white girl again. Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 Deeper issues or not, he's inadvertently pushing you away by referring to your differences in experiences, skin colour, etc. He's coming across as selfish by not respecting your wants (ie. not to be called "white girl"), and not being able to understand your point of view (keeps bringing up the "married" comment). I don't see any problem with interracial couples getting together if they can make it work. But in practice cultural differences can lead to strong incompatibility, so it usually doesn't work. If these things keep getting on your nerves now, then it will probably get worse with time. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 (edited) This man would annoy me to no end. This man has unsolved issues and he's shedding his frustration on you. It will become exhausting pretty fast for you. Relationships are hard at times, inter-racial relationships have added obstacles caused by cultural differences so if you don't have an enormous amount of respect and consideration toward each other it won't work. Edited July 24, 2018 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 In one word - yes! Did you tell him not to refer to you as "white girl"? I don't know how you stand this guy OP. If I were you I'd start calling him "Black Boy" and see how he likes it. Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 I’m a white guy in the UK and my wife is black African. I have never had this kind of problem with her. The difficulties of a mixed race marriage are manageable, but I suspect would be insurmountable with this kind of racist attitude. For racist it is. Imagine if you kept calling him black boy! In the UK these days it would be considered outrageous behaviour and you’d lose your job if you said it at work, 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chixie Posted July 24, 2018 Author Share Posted July 24, 2018 (edited) Thank you so much to everybody that replied with your helpful comments. Things got really out of hand between him and I today and I think I have been left with no choice but to walk away from him which is quite sad really because I did like him and thought he was a nice guy. We got into a heated argument today where he began to tell me of the issues that he has had with white people in the past and what bothered me today as he told me that he hates white people. Then he began to tell me that I am beautiful, independent, successful and educated. He says that he can see that I'm a kind of person that cares about him a lot but he also said that he needs more than that in a woman. He went on babbling about things that didn't make sense to me. He said that since he's from Africa he eats different kinds of foods that are different to what I'm used to and he doesn't know if I could tolerate that because I'm not from his culture. I thought this was a absolutely ridiculous comment to make as it doesn't bother me what type of food he eats. He went on to tell me that he would never allow a woman to disrespect him. Not that I've ever disrespected him. But ok! Then he went on to tell me that he stays true to his culture. He also said in his culture it's acceptable to have more than one wife and he didn't think that I would like that. I think this guy has bigger issues than what I originally thought so it's time to let him go. Edited July 24, 2018 by chixie Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 This guy is confused. You don't try to date a white woman if you are going to attack that white woman based on race. I have done my share of interracial dating and no, this guy's barbs are not the norm and are not acceptable. So what this all shows is how uncomfortable HE is with interracial dating--nothing to do with you. He just refuses to own up to his own fears and anxieties, and he's being passive-aggressive and nasty to you ... to work through his own fears. In fact, this particular guy is using the techniques of bullies and abusers ... criticize a woman from the start ... get the woman on the defensive ... get her apologizing for existing as the human being she is ... and then you dominate and control her the rest of the way. He just happens to be using your race as his bullying point. There is a way (multiple ways) that interracial couples talk about race and privilege and racism. But they do so kindly, lovingly, with no attempt to make either party feel bad about their background. Oh ... high praise to you for asking about this other woman and to ask whether he was married. Yes, you want to do that ... no matter the race involved, now matter how awkward it feels. No, cancel him ... His behavior is not typical of nor acceptable for interracial dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 Thank you so much to everybody that replied with your helpful comments. Things got really out of hand between him and I today and I think I have been left with no choice but to walk away from him which is quite sad really because I did like him and thought he was a nice guy. We got into a heated argument today where he began to tell me of the issues that he has had with white people in the past and what bothered me today as he told me that he hates white people. Then he began to tell me that I am beautiful, independent, successful and educated. He says that he can see that I'm a kind of person that cares about him a lot but he also said that he needs more than that in a woman. He went on babbling about things that didn't make sense to me. He said that since he's from Africa he eats different kinds of foods that are different to what I'm used to and he doesn't know if I could tolerate that because I'm not from his culture. I thought this was a absolutely ridiculous comment to make as it doesn't bother me what type of food he eats. He went on to tell me that he would never allow a woman to disrespect him. Not that I've ever disrespected him. But ok! Then he went on to tell me that he stays true to his culture. He also said in his culture it's acceptable to have more than one wife and he didn't think that I would like that. I think this guy has bigger issues than what I originally thought so it's time to let him go. Wow! Yes it's time to let him go! I am sorry for your disappointment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 Its funny because I just watch a movie on Netflix that was this story, except the guy didn't hate white people. They had ever other struggle that you spoke of here. In the movie the issue was really his mother feeding him all of the why it would not work. My wife is a white woman born in Wales, I'm a black dude born in Southern California. If I'm honest we have never had any issues surrounding race and we have been together almost 30 years since we were teenagers. I've had a couple awkward conversations with her grandmother but that's it. Now, with that said, I get his frustrations. I understand how you can have built up resentment because there are people that make life more difficult based on your skin, the problem is he is one of them and doesn't understand that. Too many issues to consider him as a viable option, move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chixie Posted July 25, 2018 Author Share Posted July 25, 2018 (edited) Thanks again everyone for your help. It made me see things far more clearer. I told him today that I think we should end things. He said he didn't want to lose me. And then he started going off again, this time accusing me of wanting things my way and being hasty to end things. Then he brought up me disrespecting him AGAIN and now i asked him in what way did i disrespect him and he said in African culture a woman is to never question a man (me questioning him about being married based on the comment i saw a woman make on his facebook) that was a big no no and he said he will never get over me doing that, and the fact i did in his eyes shows that i am trying to make myself superior to him. I tried to explain i meant no disrespect but was trying to figure out if he is single or not and he said that he had told me he was single and i should believe him and not question. He kept going on and on and on that women in Africa do not behave the way I do....so i guess I am not an African woman and don't know how they behave so i messed up just wanting answers. He told me not even his own mother would ever question him and he certainly wont accept that from a white woman. He told me i need to learn the African culture and my place in society should i consider to be with him. He said that i need to be aware of these things before dating an African man again. He also said I am not allowed to speak as i feel, freedom of speech is not acceptable. I guess if I lived in Africa then I would need to learn how to behave in the appropriate way for that culture but considering i am here in the UK dating an African man, i thought that i could continue to be myself and mingle the two cultures together but it seems that cannot happen with him. I am a bit shocked he made an issue about food too. I don't mind what he eats but this too bothered him as food from my culture is different to his and he said he needs to eat his traditional food. Which is totally fine with me, I have no problem with this at all, and i told him this and then he said he didn't want to be made fun of what he eats. For a 33 year old guy he is so damn immature. He told me he hasnt had a relationship for the last 10 years since he got hurt by a white girl. I think i can see why no one wants a relationship with him. I am very understanding and tolerant but this guy is getting on my nerves. Every time i talk to him i feel more sad. So i am not going there anymore. Edited July 25, 2018 by chixie Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 I would suggest you get away from this dude as soon as possible. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts physically abusing you next since you are accepting his poor behavior. It's only a matter of time. Why do you put up with this when you are not married to this man? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 He kept going on and on and on that women in Africa do not behave the way I do For some reason this reminded me of a scene in the most recently published Game of Thrones book. Barristan Selmy, the elderly top tier knight who is on Team Daenerys is in a life and death fight with a bad guy bodyguard who is a skilled pit fighter. Selmy is wearing armor. The pit fighter takes a swing at Selmy's arm that is totally blocked by the armor. The pit fighter says 'Only cowards wear armor. In the arena that blow would have taken your arm off.' Selmy responds, 'We are not in the arena.' Not in Africa, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chixie Posted July 25, 2018 Author Share Posted July 25, 2018 I am absolutely done with this one. Thank goodness he hasn't bothered to try to contact me since i told him i am done. He was mad at me but oh well. I really appreciate the help from everyone here. As i was beginning to think there's something wrong with me! Link to post Share on other sites
caveman621 Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 The only thing I can say is, "HOLY CRAP"!!! Obviously not compatible. He is angry about racism. I can't fault him for that. But to throw all that on you is not cool! And he expects a woman to be obsequious because that's how it is in his culture? Good luck with that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author chixie Posted July 25, 2018 Author Share Posted July 25, 2018 Thanks caveman - he threw it onto the wrong person. As I hate racism and accept people of all colour, culture and faiths. To me we are all people. So it baffled me he wanted to put all this on me. Funny enough he just messaged me literally a few mins ago asking if i am ok, what a joke this guy is! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 You should Block him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chixie Posted July 25, 2018 Author Share Posted July 25, 2018 You should Block him. I am wanting to but we do still have communication through our work situations. The company I work for provides services to the company he works for and we frequently have contact that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 The only thing I can say is, "HOLY CRAP"!!! Obviously not compatible. He is angry about racism. I can't fault him for that. But to throw all that on you is not cool! And he expects a woman to be obsequious because that's how it is in his culture? Good luck with that! Based on the African women I know, he’d actually get a robust rebuttal if he told them not to question him. Indeed, he’d be lucky not to get assaulted! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 Based on the African women I know, he’d actually get a robust rebuttal if he told them not to question him. Indeed, he’d be lucky not to get assaulted! Ha Ha, I would love to see the exchange of words between this guy and an African American woman in the post below. He would probably have to call the Police. He went on babbling about things that didn't make sense to me. He said that since he's from Africa he eats different kinds of foods that are different to what I'm used to and he doesn't know if I could tolerate that because I'm not from his culture. I thought this was a absolutely ridiculous comment to make as it doesn't bother me what type of food he eats. He went on to tell me that he would never allow a woman to disrespect him. Not that I've ever disrespected him. But ok! Then he went on to tell me that he stays true to his culture. He also said in his culture it's acceptable to have more than one wife and he didn't think that I would like that. I think this guy has bigger issues than what I originally thought so it's time to let him go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 This man delirium has more to do with religion than being African. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 I agree with the others. He looks like trouble for you and mismatch! Link to post Share on other sites
Author chixie Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 I haven't blocked him as we do have to have some interaction at work. But he is still messaging me a couple of times a day. Last night he sent a message with chixie!! (obviously with my real name) and then this morning he sent a message with Good morning. I am not replying and i am not sure why he is doing this when i clearly told him things are over and we don't get along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chixie Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 Ahhhhh this guy lol he just sent me a message asking if i am busy and that he dreamt about me. Link to post Share on other sites
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