JiltedJane Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 Let me start of by saying were both in our mid thirties so you all have an idea of the time frame my mind is at and the maturity level. My bf and I have been dating two years and have had the worst 3 weeks. We had been planning to elope this october, but he would always be somewhat wishy washy and get pissed when Id bring it up. HE does however want a kid by next year and was 100% on board with that. So three weeks ago, I asked what was happening and it turned into a huge blow out fight. Over the next few weeks we would have a huge fight about it again because he would refuse to talk about it and would call me selfish or psychotic for wanting to get married. Last week was the worst fight of them all and we only now just starting speaking again after a week. A week BTW, that we agreed upon to not talk to each other because we needed time and space to cool off. I admit I lost my temper because he wants a kid and I've been taking hormones to get myself ready in the next few months, but the subject of getting married (which i want before kids) is off limits. I freaked out a little asking why I'm taking these in the first place if our plans aren't going to pan out. Supposedly before all the fights, he had been planning on surprising me with an engagement ring but now he says hes not thinking about it at all anymore and won't consider it for a long time. We both agreed that we need to come up with a solution to our communication issues but neither of us knows how without one or both of us losing our temper. I suggested counseling just as an idea which he rejected it. Aside from dumping him, which I know people will suggest, what can we do to resolve these issues that don't involve a counselor? How do we get our relationship back on track? Also, how can we get back on the marriage track that we were supposedly on? I feel like it BS that a fight over something we both want is now off the table indefinitely. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 What do you mean by taking hormones to help you get ready for having a baby? Are you undergoing fertility treatments under the care of a qualified doctor? Also, did he actually call you psychotic for wanting to get married??? That sounds very cruel. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 Why don't you want to involve a counselor? Although I am not trying to cram God down your throat, my religion requires that all couples marrying in the Church go through a series of pre marital workshops. Some of it is insipid for 30 year olds, like how to pay a utility bill but some of is it about separation from family of origin, communication, & even how to argue. It was helpful. After DH & I got married I grew frustrated because things weren't how I thought they should be. I couldn't explain why but I knew something was off. We ended up going to a weekend communications workshop run by a therapist & her husband a life coach. It really opened my eyes about how we both viewed things. At present you can't marry & have a kid. You need to find a way to talk before you take those next two huge steps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted July 24, 2018 Author Share Posted July 24, 2018 taking hormones to get my body ready before starting the fertility treatments. I have a whole slew of reproductive issues that will prevent me from ever getting pregnant naturally :'( regardless of my marriage then baby timeline, the meds im taking are also on a timeline, and yes I'm under the supervision of a doctor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 This is too big for you to tackle. You need the help of a counselor to properly learn to communicate and to know how to listen. A big part of communicating is to understand what our partner is saying to us. Too often when we argue we don't put enough attention to what our partner says and we're busy preparing our counter attack in our head. This cannot be solved on your own. Also we're not talking about a minor misunderstanding, the decision that needs to be taken will affect you and him for the rest of your life it's not something to take lightly. So he doesn't want to marry, about alternatives? Would you consider having a notarized contract between you 2 + life insurances on each other, + a Will naming you sole beneficiary, etc? What are his alternative to the problem, and what are yours? You agreed to marry and he took it off the table so ask him to come up with a satisfying alternative for you. . Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 Over the next few weeks we would have a huge fight about it again because he would refuse to talk about it and would call me selfish or psychotic for wanting to get married. Why would you want all the commitments and entanglements of having a child with someone who doesn't want to marry you? If this part isn't going well, seems foolish to expect improvement down the road. I feel like it BS that a fight over something we both want is now off the table indefinitely. More likely he's picked and escalated a fight in order to avoid doing something he clearly doesn't want to do. Time to take off the rose-colored glasses and take a realistic look at your situation... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted July 25, 2018 Author Share Posted July 25, 2018 so update: he wants time, not space, to think about the future and what he wants. He says he is still in love with me but won't tell me if were broken up or not. Does this sound like a break up, a break, or that he will come back? Please don't be mean about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 Please don't be mean about it. I think by this you mean "don't be real or honest". JJ, if he wanted to, it would be easy for this guy to make your dreams come true. He'd produce the ring, go through with the marriage and participate in the fertility treatments. And yet he's not doing any of that. Putting it nicely, doesn't seem like a very good sign ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 so update: he wants time, not space, to think about the future and what he wants. He says he is still in love with me but won't tell me if were broken up or not. Does this sound like a break up, a break, or that he will come back? Please don't be mean about it. I am sorry it's a break up. Relationships don't go on 'breaks'. When we're in love we cannot be apart. He is done with the relationship but doesn't have the heart to tell you so he's tip toeing out by the back door. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 he wants time, not space, to think about the future and what he wants. He says he is still in love with me but won't tell me if were broken up or not. Does this sound like a break up, a break, or that he will come back? I honestly don't know if it's a break up. It is a complete kybosh on the marriage & the pregnancy. He's running scared. He can't commit & he is not ready to be a father. Understanding all that protect yourself. If he gets his head out of his <bleep>, then you can revisit where you are but right now he's playing with your emotions & being both immature & cruel by refusing to give you straight answers. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with the person, which is what will happen if you share children? Link to post Share on other sites
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