Been the OM for 6 years now.

[BenDamage]

So this one may be a little long winded, hopefully most of you stick around to read this because it is something I would lile to get off my chest.

 

I have been seeing a woman who has been married and has also been in a new relationship after her divorce for 6 years....and still have not been made the primary.

 

We met 6 years ago at the night club I used to work for. She came during a lingerie night and I, being the confident guy that I was at the time, complimented her and asked what were the chances I could have her number.. She said "Really good, but I'm also married." At first this put me off and I wished her a good night and moved on. However, she came to the club a few weeks later and couldn't keep her eyes off me. I decided to approach her again. This time accepting her number and even giving her a kiss.

 

After that we agreed to meet up several times and had sex. The third time we got together, the sex switched and it turned into making love. I confessed I had fallen for her and she had fallen for me as well.

 

She was in a polyamorous relationship with her husband at the time because their marriage at hit a rough spot and they decided to open it up to spice things up, which ultimately led to conflict amd eventually separation.

 

During our time before their separation, she and I had a blast. She was 11 years older than I, a very successful and independent woman with her own therapy business who was head over heels for my young and naive self. She taught me how to drive and showed me a bunch of firsts. She brought me to my first vacation, my first massage, first five star dinner. She brought me to Disney World for my first time, even brought me with her to North Carolina when she was visiting one of her friends who had moved away. We had a whirlwind romance out of nowhere and we were crazy for each other.

 

In 2013 I moved away for school in an effort to impress her and better myself, which ultimately ended up with me moving back after only a year because I couldn't stand being away from her. In 2014 I made my way back to our city and we fell right back into our old ways for another 2 years while her husband knew about us.

 

2016 quickly became the worst year of my life. I had become overweight and was overly depressive. I had always struggled with depression due to my past and had let all of my problems manifest as a constant clpud over my head and was overly negative about almost everything. Acting out, getting drunk, posting attention-seeking statuses on facebook. Needless to say this caight her attention and began the decline in our relationship. She broke it off with me in May of 2016 stating she couldn't handle the negativity any more.

I came to find out shortly after from her that she had started seeing a new side boyfriend. Apparently this boyfriend however was a subject of dispute between her and her husband and caused them to eventually divorce within a few months after the mew bf had entered into her life.

 

I have since found out her new boyfriend was an old fling from high school from 20 years ago who had always had a thing for her and had kept in contact through the years. They lived in the same state up North and went to high school together. She was his first crush, even buying her old car from her parents. I'm assuming around sometime when mine and her relationship was rocky, she had encouraged him to move down from his state down to where she lived, which he did. She moved him in shortly aftet divorcing her husband from what she has told me.

 

We hardly spoke for two years, she was dating her new bf and was convinced it was all she needed/wanted and had no need for a polyamorous relationship any more with me. We had limited contact, she would check in with me from time to time and like my statuses on facebook. I was devastated, this woman I had been with for 4 years had chosen another man over me pasther divorce. I took the time to exercise, get a new job and change my mindset about my depression and fic the things I could fix. She took notice.

 

Fast forward to 2018, around the end of January she contacted me and asked to meet up. We met at her office and we instantly locked lips and made love right there in her office. I saw her one more time after that, but thanks to a meddling friend who I trusted with information who took it upon herself to confront my ex and tell her to leave me alone, I could no longer see her because she called me "dangerous to her business and her relationship."

 

5 months later of no contact, I message her and she responds after some hesitation. We talked for about a week and agreed to meet up again. This time was different however. We have been seeing each other ever since. She still has her bf, who apparently is good to her and does great things, but she admits she has always had this undying attraction for me and finds herself drawn to me, despite of her feelings for her bf. Things have been going well, she tells me that me coming back has created somewhat of a rift between her new bf. She has stated to her sister that she is seeing me again and actually feels more in love with me than she does with him. However, she is unwilling to leave him, but tells me all the negative things that have been going on lately. Also, he is entirely against polyamory so we are currently having an affair because we're having to hide it.

 

Apparently he's very aloof and never actively shows affection which is something I am very keen on with her and have no problems with that. She mentions that the sex with me is better, not that the sex is bad between her and him, but it's a deeper connection with me than it is with him. Needless to say, hearing all this got my hopes up in thinking that maybe there was a chance I could fi ally have her for my own, she even was toying around with the idea of kicking him out and moving me in, even going so far as to threaten him to kick him out if things didn't change.

 

Well he has noticed the rift and has begun trying to fix things what she has told me. Even gone into desperation mode and apparently asked for her father's blessing to marry her to which she apprehensive about at the current moment (which she wasnt before I came back into her life) but is not opposed to the idea in the future. That's something I didn't know how to take and has caused my anxiety to start acting up. She tells me I do all of these things that he doesnt, but she is still willing to marry him? It baffles me and I can't wrap my head around it. I talked with her about it and she said that even though she tells me about all the bad that goes on at home, plenty of good happens as well and their relationship if fine and will eventually get better.

 

This has me in turmoil, because I don't know what to do with myself here. We got back together on the basis that I was the side boyfriend and nothing more, which I was fine with until she started entertaining my ideas of kicking him out and dating me exclusively. No having to hide any more, finally getting the chance at a homelife with her that I have craved for years. But now I'm being told that he is a "good man" and she can see herself spending the rest of her life with him, but is indeed still attracted to me and would still want to see me on the side despite that. Even saying "one day you'll find someone that'll marry you and give you babies and I'll just have to steal you away from your wife from time to time."

 

Every ounce of me just wants her and now my anxiety and depression is rearing its ugly head because I'm beginning to realize I will never be the primary in this woman's life. I love her with all my heart and I just want to make her happy and spend the rest of my days doing so which I have told her, but I feel lile this falls on def ears. She has said if her relationship status changes, which she feels won't ever unless he himself walks away or dies, I'll be the first to know.

 

It's like the Notebook, but instead of choosing Noah, Ally decided to stay with the other guy. I know everyone will say to walk away from this, but it's incredibly hard when I know she's the one I want. Is it worse to stick around and hope that things change? Or is it better to walk away from this? I'm conflicted because I don't want to leave her, but this relationship causes me pain because I know I'm not the only man and she likes her new bf much more than she did her previous husband.

 

I appreciate anybody who took the time to read this and thanks for any feedback.

[DKT3]

Not to come off harsh, but you are a boytoy, Someone she likes to play with but would never consider seriously.

 

I'm not sure what to say that would reach you, but you are wasting time with her, time that would be better invested in someone who takes you seriously and sees you as a potential partner and not just an escape or distraction.

[FMW]

She's unhealthy for you, triggering your depression and anxiety.

 

It's highly unlikely she'll kick the BF out, she likes things the way they are. And even in the unlikely case she did, you still would not be the only guy in her life, she has shown she requires more than one man to keep her happy.

 

You are addicted and obsessed with her, desperate to have her no matter how badly she treats you and no matter what the emotional effects. It's sadly something that I and others here know all too well. It's damaging you far more than you even know.

 

Please fight hard to break free and stop being her toy. Things will not get better, she's proven by her actions she likes having you on the side and nothing more. And the comment about borrowing you from your future wife is just horrible. She doesn't care about your emotional well-being, she doesn't deserve your love and devotion.

[DKT3]

I'm curious, just how old were you when this started with her? I ask because she really sounds like a predator, which is uncommon for females.

[BenDamage]

I'm curious, just how old were you when this started with her? I ask because she really sounds like a predator, which is uncommon for females.

 

I was 21 when we met, she was 32

[sunny_day]

This isn't a love story from The Notebook. I don't know any guys who actually watch that movie. In The Notebook, Ally and Noah had a true, pure first love or infatuation. War kept them apart. Class differences and her mother withholding Noah's letters, kept them apart.

 

 

 

Your girlfriend is not away at war. She is choosing not to be with you, not because she never had a choice.

 

 

 

Does that help you see that you don't really have a special love story with her? It was just sex, not love.

 

 

 

The good news is, you're still young enough. You can take what you've learned from this, and start dating and find the right young woman for you to actually have that romance with.

 

 

 

Anyway, the only way to find a committed monogamous relationship, is to not become involved with someone who is married or who has a boyfriend. You probably also don't want to meet your next potential romance at a bar during lingerie night.

[CloudyHead]

You are in an unhealthy dead-end relationship. Third time having sex and it wasn't having sex but making love? That is called "love bombing". Read about it. And read about narcissists and sociopaths as I think she is one.

 

I suggest you set aside your emotions and look at this relationship objectively, which is difficult. Her actions completely contradict her words. She has had opportunities to have a relationship with you and you alone but she has not done so. You have been with her through a marriage, divorce and a boyfriend. You hang on every word she says to you as you "hope" she will pick you. She will never pick you.

 

She is using you to fulfill a need. You are her puppet. And, this is harsh, but she has no respect for you. You must understand that she is lying to you. People do lie. I know that you think she is honest with you about her feelings and her relationships but that is all one-sided. She tells you what you want to hear to keep you hanging around.

 

Get her out of your life. Stop all communication with her. And get your friend who told her to stay away from you back in your life. Your friend cares more about your mental health and well-being than this woman.

[bmow]

Let me just say I’m sorry for the things you’re going through, OP. I can only imagine how difficult it must feel to even begin to entertain the idea of giving up someone you love, or being told by others that this person doesn’t feel the same.

 

Yet based on what you’ve described, this woman does not love, respect, or value you. When you display symptoms of depression, she abandons you and only comes back once you’ve improved your quality of life in a way that allows her fantasy to resume. It does not matter to her if you’re in pain, or hurting, as long as her needs are met. It’s tragic.

 

I’m the OW of a MM who I now see is a manipulator and a narcissist. Only you can take back control of your life, and see your partner for who they truly are. As much as it hurts, you need to put your well being first and end it. The happiness you feel when you’re with her is only superficial and you deserve so much more.

[carhill]

OP, BTDT decades ago and you'll find this stuff will diminish as your posts get shorter, reflective of a more basic and simplistic mindset when it comes to women.

 

Lady made her choice. Accept it. You hopefully had some good times. That's cool. Billions more to be enjoyed.

[Bufo]

I was you long ago. She was a MW and I was the single OM. When it was good it was very good. Then that old devil Feelings reared it’s ugly head. While it took awhile for me to realize it and accept it, I knew that it was pointless and rather degrading to willingly be Plan B in her life. So I cut it off—easier to do in the days before email and texting etc. it took while but I recovered. She was.not the only woman in the world. I met my wife and my outlook changed virtually overnight.

 

No not fear separation. There is a whole world out there.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I was 21 when we met, she was 32

 

It's not that I think 11 years is a dealbreaker but given that she was married and in an open marriage and you were so young, she was really wrong to get involved with you. You can't see this but you are very young and impressionable. You said it, she gave you a lot of firsts. I'm sure it's a complete power trip to her and it's a bit disgusting to get off on that kind of thing. I agree that she sounds like a predator.

 

So you are 27 now? To me that is still really young. I know you are obviously taken with this woman but you need to try and just go NC, date and meet women your own age. Do you want marriage and kids, a normal life?

 

I would advise therapy. BTW, its even worse that she is a therapist. Please tell me you were not her patient.

[Miss Clavel]

<snip>

 

It's like the Notebook, but instead of choosing Noah, Ally decided to stay with the other guy. I know everyone will say to walk away from this, but it's incredibly hard when I know she's the one I want. Is it worse to stick around and hope that things change? Or is it better to walk away from this? I'm conflicted because I don't want to leave her, but this relationship causes me pain because I know I'm not the only man and she likes her new bf much more than she did her previous husband.

 

I appreciate anybody who took the time to read this and thanks for any feedback.

 

i hardly know where to start. it's a lot.

 

omg. she'll marry anyone but you and she will live with anyone, but you?

 

are you broke? wtf?

 

you need to ask her the reason for this. have it out. don't listen to her words. watch her face. be prepared to walk.

Edited July 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[sandylee1]

She'll never choose you as her primary relationship.

 

She used you as an experiment and it probably boosted her ego to have a younger good looking guy on her arm.

 

There must be hundreds of single ladies who would like to be in relationship with a guy like you...who don't come with the baggage she does.

 

Get out there and live your life. You only get one.

[BenDamage]

It's not that I think 11 years is a dealbreaker but given that she was married and in an open marriage and you were so young, she was really wrong to get involved with you. You can't see this but you are very young and impressionable. You said it, she gave you a lot of firsts. I'm sure it's a complete power trip to her and it's a bit disgusting to get off on that kind of thing. I agree that she sounds like a predator.

 

So you are 27 now? To me that is still really young. I know you are obviously taken with this woman but you need to try and just go NC, date and meet women your own age. Do you want marriage and kids, a normal life?

 

I would advise therapy. BTW, its even worse that she is a therapist. Please tell me you were not her patient.

 

I wasn't her patient, no. I've had to have plenty of therapy because of her though.

[marky00]

If walking for good seems too shocking to you, why not leave the scene at least for NOW.

 

At 38, her looks etc will drop off soon, if not already. In her 40s she'd be wrapped to have the attention of a guy in his 20s.

 

Maybe you could use her for a quick ego boost when she does come sniffing around. Bang her one last time and then leave her in your dust

[Vivir]

BenDamage, I believe you when you write about how much you love this person. But have you ever quite literally and quite consciously thought about why you love this person? If you have not, you might want to give it a lot of thought. Perhaps write down five to ten reasons (be honest with yourself) and determine if those reasons are shallow or not.

 

You might also benefit by considering someone in your life who loves you - like a parent or anyone really... someone who really cared about your personal welfare and showed as much. Even if it isn't or wasn't a romantic-type of love, consider the characteristics of how that person showed you love. Compare those characteristics to how this woman shows you she feels about you. Maybe write it down.

 

I find most of your original post bothersome. I think you are caught up in the feelings and are not being practical about protecting yourself. She is not showing you due care, considering how she has abandoned you during your most difficult times (depression) and tells you (and shows you) that you can never be where you want to be in her life:

 

We got back together on the basis that I was the side boyfriend and nothing more, which I was fine with until she started entertaining my ideas of kicking him out and dating me exclusively. No having to hide any more, finally getting the chance at a homelife with her that I have craved for years. But now I'm being told that he is a "good man" and she can see herself spending the rest of her life with him, but is indeed still attracted to me and would still want to see me on the side despite that. Even saying "one day you'll find someone that'll marry you and give you babies and I'll just have to steal you away from your wife from time to time."

 

...

 

She has said if her relationship status changes, which she feels won't ever unless he himself walks away or dies, I'll be the first to know.

 

Stop lying to yourself, BenDamage. You are NOT fine being her side boyfriend. You have admitted as much. Now is the time to do something about it.

 

That last sentence in your quote above is ... I have no words for how that makes me feel. She has told you her position and keeps showing you where you stand. When people do this, they feel like, "Hey, I let him/her know; thus, I am absolved of this *****storm that is about to wreak havoc on this person's emotional well-being." She deserves a slap. But don't slap her. Walk away. YOU are responsible for protecting yourself from people who would take advantage of you and getting away from people who show they have no qualms about setting fire to your well-being. She does NOT deserve your loyalty. You would do well to fight like hell and fake it until you make it and GET OUT of this situation.

 

Never make a person your priority who has made you one of their options.

[Hip Pocket]

Hi.

 

It doesn’t sound like she wants you as a primary partner, I’m sorry to say. The good news is you’re young and though she blows your mind do you really want someone that fickle for a long term partner? Only you can answer that question because you know her better than any of us.

 

So, can you handle being her secret lover in the long term? If so then go ahead and enjoy her the way she is enjoying you. Just don’t give up a wife and family for her because that’s so important to you both now and later in life.

 

I hope you find the answers that make you happy.