My story of heartache, can it end?

[Brokenandempty]

I think I have figured most stuff out, but my friends and family are sick of me whining, so I just wanted some fresh ears.

 

Me and my ex were together for almost 6 years, all throughout med school. We travelled together, we studied together, we worked together during internship. The last year after internship we moved in together, eve though we were at each others places all the time before that even. Now, we were happy, we had plans for the future, we had talked about marriage and the words are lacking to describe what we had, maybe in hindsight it's even nicer.

 

First year of residency i had some family issues which threw me into a depression, I gained weight, I delved into my vices (the occasional joint and gaming moment become binge smoking and weekend long gaming session). I mean, it's obvious why she lost all attraction to me. I was in deep **** and I didn't even realize it. We weren't even intimate the last 2 months, the few times we were, they were.... not good, let's say.

 

During this time she also decided to start a PhD beside her residency which gave her so much stress she had daily freak outs. I tried my best to support her, either by leaving her be, or actively supporting her or taking her mind off of things and doing other stuff, but nothing helped. Then she wanted to talk that she wasn't happy with the relationship and wants something to change. i cleaned up my act and actively started working on it, but a week later she told me it's not working and is making her feel even more guilty. We had a great night of break-up sex and two weeks later she moved out. During this moving out phase we were in contact, but I made a mess of it, crying, begging, pleading, she lost all respect for me.

 

Also during this time she started seeing someone, someone who also does PhD, but another field altogether, because she told me we don't have anything in common anymore. After the last paperwork bull**** was done she asked for me to not contact her and to give her a chance to get over me if we ever wanted to try and be friends (as if that's fine by me). Luckily by then I had been scouring the internet on how to act, but i think it was already too late back then. At least the last evening we had dinner together before saying goodbyes I could act confident and pleasant.

 

I started improving myself immediately, as of now, 5 months later, i have lost 70 pounds, started regular sporting, stopped smoking, stopped gaming, got a new car, redone the appartment, threw out a lot of junk, started playing guitar again, reading more books, got over my depression and got a residency at a better hospital. All colleagues and most friends truly think I am over my ex and am a reborn man, only a few close ones truly know what I still feel.

 

At 40 days no contact I bumped into her on the street, I said a quick and pleasant hi, she clearly did not want more, so I moved on. After 3 months (becasue I know she was still dating the guy) I made and honest attempt to reach out by writing her an e-mail (she blocked me on social media). She never responded.

 

During this time I also started dating, still somewhat casually, but the potential for more is there also, If only I could move on from my ex.

 

After 5 months some mail was still being delivered to my place, I tried contacting her, no response, so I went to her place to give her her mail and politely ask to change the adress. She was furious to see me there, telling me to stop bothering her, she has a whole new life, we are not compatible, I stayed calm, even made her laugh, but after she caught herself laughing, she immediately became stern again. Now I try not too, but some social media snooping has revealed that they are moving in togteher after 4 months dating and she considers it to be a very serious relationship, not just fun. Knowing that they are moving in together, both considering it serious, it makes it worse, but I try to relativate it by telling myself it's just a rebound.

 

I know in my heart (and i hate this phrase, doctor in training as I am) that we could have a lovely life together adn I ****ed it all up with the depression I had and I am not only over that, but better, physically and mentally than I ever have been in my life. I believe that if we were to spend time together, even as friends, we might have a second chance, but she won't even talk to me. Although her reaction defintely means she is not over me and is still hurting as well, but knowing her stubbornness, she is probably just holding on until she feels she doesn't care about me anymore.

 

Now, next month residency places get switched around and we will be working at the same hospital, but the chances of seeing each others are slim (big hospital, different specialties), I am still dating the new girl, but it has turned into a LD thing because she had to move away.

 

Also druing this period, she has also blocked all mutual friends, even so far as not even speaking to friends she had before me that became mutual friends. She even is in a fight with her family about how she handled this. It's clear she is trying to be as radical as possible. And maybe being away from someone so emotionally immature should be a relief, but to me it just shows she is hurting.

 

I am trying to accept that what I had might be over, I truly want to. But honestly I can't. She is the love of my life and I truly know that I can make her happy. Is there anything I can do? I know that the odds are against me and just accepting it is over is the easiest in the long run, trust me, I do know this.

 

Or is there anything that I can do that will make accepting it is truly over, more easy?

 

Because even after 5 months I have trouble thinking clearly and am sometimes stuck in a haze, because I still believe that she still has issues, about the break-up but also personal and if she can solve them out and experience who I am now, she might see that she made a mistake.

Edited July 24, 2018 by Brokenandempty
forgot some details

[Kingdom83]

I know how you feel, my girlfriend who I lived with for the past 3 years just dumped me. it sucks, it hurts, it doesn't seem fair...

 

Best thing you can do for now though is to move on. I know, easier said than done. But you are not giving yourself a chance to heal if you are checking out what she's up to all the time, thats not good for you. And, it'll most likely push her away even more...

 

Also, do you really want her back, or do you just miss her? She moved onto a new guy when you had broken up, but were still living together. Thats pretty cold.

[Brokenandempty]

We were each others firsts in everything and we had the conversation a few times wether we should see other people before we settle down, but we always decided that what we had was perfect. I wouldn't have minded some experimenting with others, but it never happened.

 

Anyway, the situation, the timing it all feels as if she she realised "this is what my life will be from now on" and the situation was not good and instead of working on it she just ran away, in her eyes politely, some of her family have simply ghosted their exes, so that's her example.

 

It's not just missing a partner or company, I truly miss her and seeing her recently it was obvious she was in pain buy hiding it. I hope in time she can resolve her issues and then she might want to reach out. At that point I will honestly have to see wether I am more serious with someone new and even if not, wether she deserves a second chance. I want to move on and not keep wasting my time, but I can't.

 

So that's why I have decided to continue seeing the new girlfriend, slowly, see if it works out. Live life for me. If pur paths cross in the hospital, be polite, like colleagues. If she sees she made a mistake, she is welcome to make the first move.

 

Unless any of you have any better idea, something to mske het realize what she is doing, I honestly think there's none left at this point, I've done all I could.

 

Or other advice from others who have been in similar situations. Stories about it working out or not also welcome. I just want to find a way to stop obsessing about it all the time, which I can't seem to do.

[SevenCity]

About 2 years ago, I had my ex of 7 years leave me. For three months I tried to work things out. She would come over and we would have sex, she would cook for me, tell me she loves me, send me cards in the mail, etc.

 

In the end she left anyway. As good a bf as I was being in those three months, it was too late.

 

It made me remember why I never tried to get an ex back before. I thought she was worth it and different. But, alas, they are all the same.

 

The time to make things better was before she left (not that I got any indication anything was wrong). Once a woman decides to leave you, she has left for good in almost all cases. Sometimes they will come back, but ultimately leave again. Other times they will reach out only when you no longer give a crap.

 

That, by far, was the worst experience of my life. Even two years later I am still not fully healed, better, but not there yet.

 

My advice to you would be to realize it is over and start your journey of healing. You are reaching for straws (we all do) but she is not coming back. Ever.

[Lotsgoingon]

You do know, I presume, that medical school and residencies, are horrible for relationships. Not challenging. Not difficult. Terrible. Horrible.

 

Here's the thing. Five months isn't necessarily a long time when it comes to getting over an important love relationship. This one sounds intense, with you guys around each other all through med school and basically living together.

 

So it makes sense that you would still not feel "totally free" after five months. These things can take a year or more--depending on the person and the relationship.

 

News to you: if depression broke up the relationship, then the relationship wasn't worth it in the first place. I don't doubt how difficult it is to live with a depressed person, but ... I don't know the few details ... But relationships can survive a temporary depression.

 

Sounds like you went on a self-improvement kick ... to get yourself together and that's great. The only down side is it sounds like you did this self-improvement to show her and win her back. That's not all bad ... but if she was really into you ... she wouldn't need you to have the perfect body.

 

Make sure you get that depression treated. Sounds like you muscled your way into action ... and action does indeed help with depression ... but having changed so much ... and worked so hard ... you're probably in a period of letdown ... because ... she hasn't come back to you. So you might be having the signs of some depression ... Don't be one of those foolish doctors who refuses to get treated for depression. By the end of their residencies, I bet a third to half of your fellow residents and about a quarter to a third of the Attendings are being treated or have been treated for depression and anxiety.

 

You're in a painful transition right now ... depression or not.

 

The transition is this ... Right now, your ex is an authority on you and your value. And since she has turned her back on you and is dating someone else, you sense you have failed, that you were inadequate for her ... and so on ...

 

Actually she is just one human being out of billions on this planet. And over time, you will start to move her out of the authority column. In other words, you won't give a blank what she thinks or what she is doing. That's the freedom that awaits you.

 

The brutal news is that people do not accidentally break up with us. They don't break up with us casually or carelessly. So she found something unhappy about your relationship ... and it's likely she hasn't even told you the full or real reason. Might have nothing to do with your depression.

 

Don't assume she's deliriously happy with new guy. A few things to do: get help if you are really distracted by this grief/loss. Get exercise, get sleep ... as being dumped is stressful on the body, releases cortisol and all that.

 

Three, start thinking about the aspects of her that you did not like. Time to bring her back down to earth. What didn't you like about her? Everybody has flaws ... most of us have huge huge flaws ... Also think ... there were probably signs she wasn't happy in the relationship. In fact, perhaps YOU were unhappy in the relationship ... and perhaps she was not a good partner to you ... and that's why you got depressed, smoked and all the rest.

 

You'll get over this ... sometimes we have to "fake it" for a while ... and then one day ... another person appears ... and we notice them ... and our brain thinks they're great ... and does not think they are inferior to the ex that dumped us ... and we are interested ... and life moves on ...

[glows]

Please do not be a douche and let her go. The relationship is over. This means it does not exist. It means she's moved on. It means she's doing everything she can to RESPECT her current relationship and you are completely unwanted in her life. Her removing all contact with you is her saying NO. Don't be THAT guy that can't take No for an answer. I think you've been toying with this idea that she's still into you and it's time to stop it.

 

Look at healthier ways of moving past this instead of nurturing this borderline psychotic thought process that she's still into you and that you should pursue her. Leave her alone and grow up.