Boyfriend's job causing issues

[VSgirl]

I am in a pretty new relationship and happy with my bf. He's thoughtful, we have a great time together, intimate life is great etc.

 

The only problem is his job. He currently works 9pm-5am weekdays at home depot doing a very physical job. He's exhausted all the time and it really messes with his sleep schedule. In addition, he has quit smoking (cigarettes) since he started dating me and is dealing with nicotine cravings. His apartment is paid off.

 

I am pursuing my masters degree in special ed and on track to finish this december. I start my student teaching in August of this year. Once I finish my degree, my bf wants me to move with him to Arizona so he can complete a mechanic program for Harley Davidson to get his mechanic license. Then he can work as a mechanic when we move back to our home state and get his training in fabrication to fix up harleys and customize them.

 

I am fine with all the future plans, but in the meantime, he and I agreed it was best for him to switch to a day job at home depot or another similar company so our schedules work together better and he gets on a normal sleep schedule. I am able to see him more since I only have grad school and not work in the summer, but that changes in early August. He initially was working on it and even was trying to interview for a daytime position at home depot, but the position got filled.

 

As far as I know, he has applied for positions one other time for an hour when I was at his place and that's it. I have brought up to him about how much it means to me that he makes the effort to switch and that I worry about it. He said he wanted me to trust he would handle it and he has handled other things he's promised so far in the relationship. But everytime I ask him what he did on the days we don't see eachother, it's usually sleep and videogames. Which isn't a crime, but I don't see why he can't apply on those days for an hour or so.

 

He makes effort to spend time with me. He drives 30 min to my place and picks me up, takes me on dates etc. Sometimes he even picks me up if I'm planning on staying over with him at his place. I also drive to his place and bring him breakfast.

 

We have fun times together, but for example this weekend got messy and it was mostly because of his lack of sleep/tiredness for the job. We were supposed to go to the zoo on Sunday (Id sleepover sunday nite) and meet his grandparents (they raised him) who live near him on Monday. It sounded great, but he flipped the plans, because his brother's bday party was sunday and asked if we could go monday to the zoo. Long story short..his family was great but we didn't get back until 9pm sunday night. He'd acted like he wanted to do a movie night after his family get together..we even stopped to get snacks on the way to his place. All of the sudden after showering...he wants to go straight to sleep at 10pm. We had an argument about it, but resolved things. He also struggled to get up for the zoo monday and was very tired after walking around there. He wanted to rest at his place before work monday (last) night with me and we got into an argument because he was cranky and just wanted to rest not talk.

 

Last night he apologized, but asked if we could get together wednesday (tomorrow) so he could rest today. I'm not so selfish that we can't spend a day apart, but it seems ridiculous he needs a day to be able to have enough energy to meet up with someone.

 

I am happy to be patient if he is consistently applying to day jobs, but it frustrates me if he isn't putting in effort. Would it be best just to wait every week or two weeks and ask him how the job search is going? I don't want to nag him or give him an ultimatum. What are your thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

It can be taxing when one person has an odd hour job, but if that is the job he has & he's getting an overnight bonus, you pestering him will only aggravate him. If you truly think you have what it takes to make it to "until death do us part, you can make it a couple of more months on this schedule until he goes to school.

[Mr. Lucky]

His actions speak pretty clearly, telling you he likes both his job and current schedule.

 

If you see him as a "fixer upper", why be in a relationship with him? If you love him as he is, why the rush to change him?

 

If you stay together, I can pretty much guarantee this won't be the biggest challenge you'll face. I'd lower the threat level a few notches...

 

Mr. Lucky

[thefooloftheyear]

It can be taxing when one person has an odd hour job, but if that is the job he has & he's getting an overnight bonus, you pestering him will only aggravate him. If you truly think you have what it takes to make it to "until death do us part, you can make it a couple of more months on this schedule until he goes to school.

 

Agree fully...

 

I would have ditched the OP.....but that's me...I don't take well to women nagging me about my work schedule or how I make money or plan my career moves......It's not like he's out partying..

 

He sounds like a decent guy with his life plan laid out...And it sounds like he's more accomodating than you are...Part of being an adult is to learn to compromise..,. If he's tired and can't go out, then do stuff in the house...Order in and get a pizza...those types of things..

 

TFY

[stillafool]

I think if you spent all day Sunday with his family surely having a movie night after you got home wasn't that important, was it? If there was a movie you were just dying to see you could go ahead and watch it while he sleeps. I don't understand what the big deal is here.

[VSgirl]

It can be taxing when one person has an odd hour job, but if that is the job he has & he's getting an overnight bonus, you pestering him will only aggravate him. If you truly think you have what it takes to make it to "until death do us part, you can make it a couple of more months on this schedule until he goes to school.

 

I see what you are saying and I believe it is worth making the relationship work long term. I also agree the pestering is not going to help things. I did also want to make clear though, this is not the job of a lifetime. To my knowledge, he gets a slightly higher wage and more money if he works on a holiday like the 4th of July. That's really it. He isn't even using medical benefits from this job, because he feels it is too much out of this check.

 

He also regularly complains about being tired at the job and wishing he didn't have to go in. I do try to be sympathetic and realize he shouldn't just take the first job he gets if it doesn't have the right hours, is too far away etc. But I want to make clear he doesn't really like the job he is in that much.

[VSgirl]

His actions speak pretty clearly, telling you he likes both his job and current schedule.

 

If you see him as a "fixer upper", why be in a relationship with him? If you love him as he is, why the rush to change him?

 

If you stay together, I can pretty much guarantee this won't be the biggest challenge you'll face. I'd lower the threat level a few notches...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I see your points here. I did want to clarify with additional information and see if you still feel entirely the same way or if you had more feedback to add. You mentioned he likes the job and his schedule. What he has said to me was that he didn't want to be a "recluse" anymore and that it made it hard for him to have plans with me, his friends, family or anyone. He said it would be better to get on a daytime schedule. He often complains about not being able to sleep during the day and he often complains about not wanting to go in to work. He also complains about being tired when he calls from work. His job really isn't that great. He doesn't utilize his health benefits from his job because he feels like it's too much money from his paycheck.

 

I don't want to nag him, but I feel like I have been accommodating. Next weekend we are going to a game night with his friends, this weekend was his parents..not to sound immature, but when is it my turn to choose an activity or have a night where my bf isn't complaining of being tired?

[thefooloftheyear]

You said in your OP, that this was only the situation until December when you get out of school and go to AZ...

 

A couple of months away...

 

I think myself and some of the others would be more on your side if you came on here complaining about this because this has been your life for the last 10 years...

 

I really don't see the issue...

 

TFY

[basil67]

I see your points here. I did want to clarify with additional information and see if you still feel entirely the same way or if you had more feedback to add. You mentioned he likes the job and his schedule. What he has said to me was that he didn't want to be a "recluse" anymore and that it made it hard for him to have plans with me, his friends, family or anyone. He said it would be better to get on a daytime schedule. He often complains about not being able to sleep during the day and he often complains about not wanting to go in to work. He also complains about being tired when he calls from work. His job really isn't that great. He doesn't utilize his health benefits from his job because he feels like it's too much money from his paycheck.

 

I don't want to nag him, but I feel like I have been accommodating. Next weekend we are going to a game night with his friends, this weekend was his parents..not to sound immature, but when is it my turn to choose an activity or have a night where my bf isn't complaining of being tired?

 

Ah - so here's a spot where you can make a difference.

 

Now I agree that you shouldn't be nagging him to find a new job. But what you can do is shut down on listening to his complaining. Next time he complains, respond with "Are you aware of how much you complain about this job? Yet I don't see you actively looking for a new job. If you're not doing what you can to improve the situation, don't complain to me". If he still complains after you say this, repeat the last sentence.

 

Also, before you get in too deep with him, make sure he's not the type who likes to complain but won't take steps to make his life better. You may find that he keeps complaining even when he's started on his new venture.

[preraph]

I don't think it's fair for you to tell him to switch jobs. For one thing, it's best to have longevity on your resume. I like his plan to become a motorcycle mechanic and I think that will be good and open up a lot of possibilities for you.

 

It's not like he can just tell his boss, Hey, change my hours. He would risk getting fired if he seems disgruntled, and this is only temporary anyway. Listen, in real life, as a couple, both of you will often be too busy or not home enough or not getting enough sleep. If you have kids, that will compound the issue, too. You need to roll with the flow. And I'll tell you something, his hours are actually ideal. He is not working long hours like he would be most places. He's actually got a pretty good situation. I think you're asking too much.

[Mr. Lucky]

What he has said to me was that he didn't want to be a "recluse" anymore and that it made it hard for him to have plans with me, his friends, family or anyone. He said it would be better to get on a daytime schedule. He often complains about not being able to sleep during the day and he often complains about not wanting to go in to work. He also complains about being tired when he calls from work. His job really isn't that great. He doesn't utilize his health benefits from his job because he feels like it's too much money from his paycheck.

 

Let's fast forward a few years to where you've started your teaching career. You're getting up early, bringing work home with you, preparing for parent/teacher conferences and so tired by week's end you only want to veg on your days off.

 

I can hardly wait for your BF's thread on LoveShack, something like "Girlfriend's job causing issues"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[VSgirl]

You say you don't want to nag him, but that is precisely what you are doing. The guy can't even enjoy a day off work by playing video games without you expecting some sort of progress on his hunt for a day shift job so that you will stop nagging him.

 

Finding a new job can take time, especially when you insist that he finds a job on a certain schedule. If he says he will find a job then trust him to do so. Asking for constant updates is beyond annoying.

 

I get your point. He has said this is what he wants to do and what he will do. At this point the ball is in his court to pursue it, which I trust him to do.

[VSgirl]

Let's fast forward a few years to where you've started your teaching career. You're getting up early, bringing work home with you, preparing for parent/teacher conferences and so tired by week's end you only want to veg on your days off.

 

I can hardly wait for your BF's thread on LoveShack, something like "Girlfriend's job causing issues"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky,

I posted this on the forum because I was sincerely looking at a way to handle the situation better. I really had only talked about this matter directly with my bf and some with my mom. My mom had been very negative about things that I told her. She has met him a few times and seemed to like him, but I know that she doesn't approve of him not having a degree already. She basically accused him of lacking ambition, which I know isn't true. She also implied that if he really cares about me so much, he'd be heavily pursuing another job..I realize it's not that cut and dry.

I would like him to be in his career path already sure (he's told me he wishes he was) , but I know he is taking the steps to do that.

 

I understand what you are saying regarding my career. I already work full time and have master's classes, so I know what it's like to be tired. I can be more understanding and leave the job issue to his own time and decision. He has expressed things he doesn't like about it, but ultimately it's up to him.

 

For the most part, even though you aren't here to see it, I am very supportive of him. I do things like bring him breakfast, work my schedule around his when I have schoolwork to do, bring him things for his place like candles..I do appreciate him. I just worry when we are both tired about more arguments, but I took the time to talk about it with him last night. I think we have a better understanding about things and I will back off, especially regarding the jobs.

[VSgirl]

I don't think it's fair for you to tell him to switch jobs. For one thing, it's best to have longevity on your resume. I like his plan to become a motorcycle mechanic and I think that will be good and open up a lot of possibilities for you.

 

It's not like he can just tell his boss, Hey, change my hours. He would risk getting fired if he seems disgruntled, and this is only temporary anyway. Listen, in real life, as a couple, both of you will often be too busy or not home enough or not getting enough sleep. If you have kids, that will compound the issue, too. You need to roll with the flow. And I'll tell you something, his hours are actually ideal. He is not working long hours like he would be most places. He's actually got a pretty good situation. I think you're asking too much.

 

I see the points you are making here. He has expressed some concerns and desires to switch to a daytime shift, but there isn't really anything emergent about him having to switch immediately and it should be his decision too.

 

As I mentioned to another poster, I got in my own head about the situation and talked about it to my mom, which really didn't help things. She made it all about that he was lacking ambition and implied it wasn't something I should put up with long term. I don't really think she has considered the situation as a whole and to be honest, I think she wants me to be happy with someone..but she is scared about me moving to Arizona with him to pursue the motorcycle program, because we have never lived in different states and she is older (67) and a widow, I'm her only kid etc. She is very strong and works full time as well, but obviously I would make sure she was taken care of and had people to call in an emergency.

[VSgirl]

I think if you spent all day Sunday with his family surely having a movie night after you got home wasn't that important, was it? If there was a movie you were just dying to see you could go ahead and watch it while he sleeps. I don't understand what the big deal is here.

 

It was more about the spending the time alone together. I overreacted and just felt like it was an abrupt end to the evening, because he hadn't indicated he was tired earlier. He doesn't have a tv in his bedroom, so I couldn't really watch and stay in the same room with him. I do agree with you though, I made too big a deal of it.

[VSgirl]

You said in your OP, that this was only the situation until December when you get out of school and go to AZ...

 

A couple of months away...

 

I think myself and some of the others would be more on your side if you came on here complaining about this because this has been your life for the last 10 years...

 

I really don't see the issue...

 

TFY

 

I see what you are saying. There is a small chance I will not have everything finished for school by December, so I guess I was worried about that too, which I didn't express. I know he will wait for me to be done though, he's already said that.

 

The other thing I was most worried about was us arguing because he is so tired from the job he is at now and I will be tired once I start student teaching in addition to my classes. It really is a hard sleep schedule for him (which he always tells me) and he has a hard time getting to sleep a lot of times even when I'm not involved like weekday mornings. The best thing I can do is try to be patient and understanding...and make more of an impact on the relationship in a positive way. The decision is up to him and it's up to me to trust him to keep his word, not nag him.

[Els]

OP... in real life, most couples have to make some sacrifices for one of (or both of) their jobs. That's just how things go, you cannot expect a Hollywood relationship when there are bills to pay. Even if this issue didn't exist, there might be others - having to work weekends, having to travel a lot, having to relocate, longer work hours, etc. Yes, it might be good if he could get a daytime job, but at the end of the day it's his job and his life. What would your response be if he tried to get you to take a 9pm-5am job just so you two could spend more time together? Have you looked for those?

 

 

With his job, if you want to have more time together, I'd minimize daytime dates like zoo outings. Zoos typically close really early, you have to be up before noon to even make a worthwhile trip - this is obviously going to mess with his sleep schedule. Why not let him sleep in, DON'T plan anything for before 1pm at least, and then meet up for movie and dinner night? He'd probably be more refreshed.

[Gaeta]

I don't think it's the place of a girlfriend to ask a man to change his job to accommodate the relationship. You are dating, you don't live together yet, or have children together.

 

I was in your shoes not long ago. My BF was working full time day shift and enrolled in a full time night course that would last 2 years. He was gone 16 hours a day. He had to cancel many outings, dates and family dinners due to being tired. I have never complained during those 2 years, each time he said he could not make it I told him I understood and to not worry about a thing. Often he came after class around 22h30 to spend some time together, at least to sleep next to each other, and he would fall asleep before I had time to make him a sandwich... not a beep out of me.

 

We survived through that 2 years intact! and feeling even closer and stronger. We have a feeling of 'we made it' through that tough ride. If I had nagged him or made him feel guilty for being tired I am not sure we would have survived through it without building resentment, and resentment is the worse thing in a relationship.

 

It sounds like you have a good guy that has his life on track. If you remind him about changing job it will come across as you don't trust him to make decisions for himself. It's his life so far and he is entitled to change job or not, and he's entitled to take as much time as he wishes to find a new one.

 

If I were you I would tell him that no matter what he decides about the job, whether he keeps the night shift or take a day shift, that you will support him and you'll go through this phase together.

 

Of course he complains of being tired and complains about the job. I do the same when I get home but it doesn't mean I want to change job. All I want from my BF is to tell me honey relax what can I do for you. I don't want him to tell me I should change job.

 

 

.

Edited July 25, 2018 by Gaeta

[Timshel]

I am going to diverge a bit from other posters, though agree with the overall sentiment...only perhaps not in your specific case VSgirl.

 

 

He may in fact be a smidge sloppy and more importantly, your bf may not prioritize his ambitions and time spent with you the same way you do.

 

 

 

You two may not be long term compatible. Your gut is telling you that he is skirting and skimming. You seem quite reasonable to me OP.

 

He simply may not be adequately invested.

[darkmoon]

I do not think it is wise to monitor his life at all. Too controlling in that you are v serious in all you say to him. Arguing is not great.

[preraph]

I see the points you are making here. He has expressed some concerns and desires to switch to a daytime shift, but there isn't really anything emergent about him having to switch immediately and it should be his decision too.

 

As I mentioned to another poster, I got in my own head about the situation and talked about it to my mom, which really didn't help things. She made it all about that he was lacking ambition and implied it wasn't something I should put up with long term. I don't really think she has considered the situation as a whole and to be honest, I think she wants me to be happy with someone..but she is scared about me moving to Arizona with him to pursue the motorcycle program, because we have never lived in different states and she is older (67) and a widow, I'm her only kid etc. She is very strong and works full time as well, but obviously I would make sure she was taken care of and had people to call in an emergency.

 

Oh, I think you hit the nail on the head. Your mom is just trying to keep you from moving. She might move too when you do if you're her only family there. She might need to. She's just finding ways to rationalize it. I'm sure part of her wants you happy -- but as a 65 year old woman, I'm 100% sure ALL of her wants you right there in town with her. My mom always wanted me to live her life, you know. But she got to live hers how she wanted, and now you get to live yours how you want. Be nice to include her some way so she doesn't fear never seeing you again.

 

He sounds like a man with a plan to me, a hard-working one. Don't discourage him.

[five2nine]

People do have to make sacrifices for work. Not everyone is able to have a dayshift job monday through friday with holidays and weekends off. Think about all of the cops, nurses, etc who have to work crappy hours.

 

For a long time I’ve had to work night shift. It was horrible. But my boyfriend stuck by me and we spent time together when we could. And I sacrificed a lot of sleep during those times to try to stay up and do things with him.

 

Do you want just anybody who is able to spend time with you on your days off? Or do you want your boyfriend, no matter what job he has and what hours he works?

 

I work day shift at the moment but my days off are a crappy Tues/Wed, and I have to work holidays. And I live 50 miles from home. The traffic is so bad that I don’t want to go anyyyywhere on my time off. I’ll be switching to PM shift soon to avoid traffic. I work at a hospital that is open 24/7. But we can’t afford the homes there which is why we stayed in our city.

 

My now-husband works 8-4 with weekends and holidays off, and we live close by his workplace. What a lucky butt!

 

You make it work.

Edited July 26, 2018 by five2nine

[stillafool]

It was more about the spending the time alone together. I overreacted and just felt like it was an abrupt end to the evening, because he hadn't indicated he was tired earlier. He doesn't have a tv in his bedroom, so I couldn't really watch and stay in the same room with him. I do agree with you though, I made too big a deal of it.

 

I didn't mean to watch tv in the bedroom where he is trying to sleep. I meant watching a movie on your own in the living room or elsewhere.

[d0nnivain]

But I want to make clear he doesn't really like the job he is in that much.

 

It's still up to him to change it. He might think it's too much effort in the short term since the plan is to move in December. If in December he's not all set for motorcycle school, then you need to give more consideration to your mom's assessment that he is not ambitious.

[Els]

People do have to make sacrifices for work. Not everyone is able to have a dayshift job monday through friday with holidays and weekends off. Think about all of the cops, nurses, etc who have to work crappy hours.

 

For a long time I’ve had to work night shift. It was horrible. But my boyfriend stuck by me and we spent time together when we could. And I sacrificed a lot of sleep during those times to try to stay up and do things with him.

 

Do you want just anybody who is able to spend time with you on your days off? Or do you want your boyfriend, no matter what job he has and what hours he works?

 

I work day shift at the moment but my days off are a crappy Tues/Wed, and I have to work holidays. And I live 50 miles from home. The traffic is so bad that I don’t want to go anyyyywhere on my time off. I’ll be switching to PM shift soon to avoid traffic. I work at a hospital that is open 24/7. But we can’t afford the homes there which is why we stayed in our city.

 

My now-husband works 8-4 with weekends and holidays off, and we live close by his workplace. What a lucky butt!

 

You make it work.

 

 

Right.

 

 

OP should try being with a doctor who works in any specialty with emergencies. Spending Christmas, Valentines Day, New Years' Eve, Easter, etc alone is a common occurrence. Sure you'll get SOME of it together, but in order for the roster to be fair, people need to take turns working the holidays, that's just how it goes.

 

And don't even get me started on the weekend shifts, lol.