Ex says watching kids is a favor!?!

[littleblackheart]

It's a case by case thing. Here, a parent won't be asked to pay for something they can't afford. Deadbeat dad's contributions were backdated to when he was working, not for the 5 years he wasn't earning, by the looks of it.

 

In any event, this guy does his bit on his days, for which is responsible. He's also doing extra (so contribution in kind) by looking after the children on his days off, which helps OP save money and gives peace of mind (a parent trumps childcare anyday) - it's not always all about the money.

 

Here we're talking only a few weeks' worth of drop offs / pick ups for a 10 minute car journey, to put it in perspective.

 

It might well hinge on how OP asked:

A = hey exH, I really appreciate you doing those extra 2 days, it's a big help. I wondered whether you could also pick them and drop them off? They could stay in bed longer that way. No pressure if you can't - thanks for looking into it anyway.

 

B= hey exH, since you're doing nothing with your time and your mum does all the looking after, you should also come collect the kids on those 2 days.

 

Anyway. Not a big deal. Even if exH is really being obtuse, he's still helping out so it's an ok compromise to me.

Edited July 29, 2018 by littleblackheart

[JuneL]

Okay, let’s assume they have to split these two days per week of childcare evenly during the summer. By freeing up these couple if days, the ex can take up some part-time gigs to make extra cash. Even if he’s making the same hourly rate as a nanny, he can still save the cash of one day of work (and use the cash from the other day of work to pay his part of childcare), but the OP also has to find the extra cash to pay her part of childcare without the extra time. On the whole, the ex is indeed doing the OP a favor by watching the kids on her days, if you just look at it from a pure money point of view.

 

I think the OP’s statement that “he has nothing to do” is really presumptuous. As long as the ex is following the court order, how he’s spending his time is none of her business.

 

No, they calculated the deadbeat's average salary from the previous ten years and calculated his child support based off of that. The average of his salaries was $15/hour and his child support was calculated at $500/month. Then, the judge ordered him to pay for a quarter of the daycare. He tried to put up a fight over paying health care but was ordered to pay a quarter of out-of-pocket expenses as well.

 

 

 

Yes, the state you live in is a determining factor but I know divorcees across the country and this process has been pretty standard. Family court judges seem to toe the same line; the kids' well-being comes first regardless of unemployment.. If you're unemployed, then they're going to look at what your capable of making and order support and tell you to get a job.

 

 

 

I would have a hard time believing that the OP's ex wouldn't be obligated to pay for daycare bills, even though he's unemployed. One of my closest friends tried to get his child support reduced when he went back to school and wasn't working full time. The judge basically said, "tough sh-t, the amount stands, work more." He went back to court three times over that as he couldn't afford the child support but finally gave up and worked full time while going to school.

 

 

 

And, honestly, I firmly believe that's the way it should be. If you have kids, then taking care of them is your priority. That's common sense; you're responsible for them in every way, including financially.

[anika99]

It does depend on where you live. I live in Canada and way back when I was raising my kids, when it came to determining how much child support a lower income father should pay a basic formula was used.

 

First they would take the fathers gross income and subtract a basic cost of living amount from it, which back then was about $900, then they would take the remaining income and calculate child support at 30% of that. So a father making $2000/month would pay 30% of $1100 in child support which would equal $330/month. That was it. That was the maximum they could force him to pay.

 

It didn't matter what new situations arose, like the mom needing daycare or kids needing funds for extracurricular activities. If the fathers income didn't increase then he was not required to pay more.

[TunaCat]

I think my issue with it is the guy calling it a "favor" They're his kids too, so it's shouldn't be called a favor, it should be called "being a father" He should WANT to spend as much time with them as possible. And before I get yelled at, no I don't have kids, but I am both a child & adult of divorce and have seen my younger brother being treated as not important by his father, so this strikes a nerve with me.

 

Someone else said "eight hours a day several days a week all summer is a ton" Yes it is, so why is it okay for a dad not to get crucified for that but if a mom said that, she'd be crucified?

[Mr. Lucky]

I think my issue with it is the guy calling it a "favor" They're his kids too, so it's shouldn't be called a favor, it should be called "being a father" He should WANT to spend as much time with them as possible. And before I get yelled at, no I don't have kids, but I am both a child & adult of divorce and have seen my younger brother being treated as not important by his father, so this strikes a nerve with me?

 

Dad is doing all that, according to the OP. It’s her desire for him to add pickups to the times he’s already providing additional care on her days that prompted the discussion. Let’s not get off track...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

If I'm remembering correctly, OP ex had full custody of the kids while she was putting her energy and efforts elsewhere. I would imagine he feels he has done her a great deal of favors.

 

The thing is, even with your own kids, in this situation you have to have boundaries. You being upset or not understanding his stance is par for the course as it relates to the relationship between the two of you.

 

On the legal side, I would be careful about him having too much of your time, he could be keeping records and use it against you in the future.

[grays]

Someone else said "eight hours a day several days a week all summer is a ton" Yes it is, so why is it okay for a dad not to get crucified for that but if a mom said that, she'd be crucified?

 

I'm a mom and Im the one who said it and I said it because that's how I'd feel if my ex-h swooped in and said I had to take the kids all that extra time. My policy is to take my kids all the extra time I can get them. But this seems like it's so much that his share is going from 50% to maybe 70%, that's huge. I'd have trouble just getting the stuff I need to get done done.

[anika99]

I think my issue with it is the guy calling it a "favor" They're his kids too, so it's shouldn't be called a favor, it should be called "being a father" He should WANT to spend as much time with them as possible. And before I get yelled at, no I don't have kids, but I am both a child & adult of divorce and have seen my younger brother being treated as not important by his father, so this strikes a nerve with me.

 

Someone else said "eight hours a day several days a week all summer is a ton" Yes it is, so why is it okay for a dad not to get crucified for that but if a mom said that, she'd be crucified?

 

So you are projecting you're experience onto this dad and judging him unfairly. He obviously loves his kids as he takes care of them 75% of the time. He isn't being a bad father, he just bristled at being expected to also have to pick the kids up on moms days as well. Where is the moms willingness to compromise and meet him half way? If he's taking on the lions share of providing child care then it makes sense that she be willing to do the drop offs and pick ups. As it is the dad said he is willing to go back to the original schedule where he does the travelling on his days. So that would have him doing 75% of the childcare and 50% of the travelling and he's being crucified for that. He's the one being accommodating but he's the bad guy?

 

And by the way I have seen divorced moms complain here and in real life that they are being forced to do more than 50% of the childcare or that dad didn't take the kids on his weekend so her plans got ruined and no the mother did not get crucified for it. In that case the father still got crucified for not being responsible, for not sticking to the agreed upon 50\50 schedule. As a matter of fact if the OP of this thread had said that dad had gotten a job and he now needed her to take care of the kids on his days and that was an inconvenience to her, certain posters would still side with her and attack the dad.

[anduina]

Your ex is already providing you with free daycare on your days and you want him to do more? What he does with his time on his days off are no longer your concern or business.

[norudder]

I can see a few people took certain aspects of this post personally.

 

For myself, I think below the surface the issue was the lingering resentment for my ex not working while we were married and having to carry the financial burden 100% myself which is still the case. In addition to other events where he failed to be there for the kids as a father, more than just physically.

 

And yes, I think some jealousy and guilt that I do have to work and can't be with them those days. It's not a favor for something I "want".

 

What he does in his off time isn't my business, except as it relates to the kids.

 

I can't see him as not the father of my kids and pretend he has no obligation to them. At the same time I can choose to be grateful he's not a deadbeat and does anything at all though and that I don't have to pay for childcare. I am trying to hold both of those truths.

 

DKT, being a stay at home parent while married is not the same as having full custody while married.

 

Regardless, the surface issue the op was about is resolved between my ex and I. It was just an idea that wasn't going to work and brought up some feelings. We are all good. Thank you for your perspectives.

[Mr. Lucky]

Regardless, the surface issue the op was about is resolved between my ex and I. It was just an idea that wasn't going to work and brought up some feelings. We are all good.

 

Good to hear, at the end of the day when co-parenting that's the goal. It sounds like you have a cooperative set-up many divorced parents would envy...

 

Mr. Lucky