Catholic Annulment

[shydad]

Hi all, have any of you been through a Catholic annulment or seen someone go through the process? I'd like to hear firsthand accounts, if possible. It sounds pretty involving, lengthy, and full of uncertainty. I appreciate any insight which can be provided. Thank you.

[carhill]

Nothing recently but my dad did it when his wife left him during WW2. From what I saw of the paperwork he saved it took a bit over a year to wind through the process, something he started while still in-country in Italy. He was a pretty staunch Catholic so that kind of stuff was important to him. He filed under the intent to commit infidelity (spousal) canon and used her letters to him as evidence. Probably a bit of a stretch from the actual canon but a lot of infidelity went on during the war so they apparently had a more liberal view of the canons.

 

Given how times have changed regarding both the Church and marital dissolution in general, I would suspect things are far easier now than 70+ years ago.

 

The odd thing, to me anyway, is he and my mother eloped to a JP in Yuma, AZ. No formal wedding with a priest. Regardless, they were married for life.

[amaysngrace]

I've looked into it for myself and it sounds pretty brutal going through the process. At least for a woman, that is.

 

It's like going through the whole ordeal of divorce all over again only this time with judgment.

 

They want to know all your business. It seemed not worth it to me.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi all, have any of you been through a Catholic annulment or seen someone go through the process? I'd like to hear firsthand accounts, if possible. It sounds pretty involving, lengthy, and full of uncertainty. I appreciate any insight which can be provided. Thank you.

 

I did it. You do have to tell your story to a nun or priest and 4 friends had to fill out paperwork but other than that hassle, they gave me a payment plan so it really was not that bad an ordeal.

 

You just need to focus on why the marriage never should have happened in the first place, not what went wrong in the marriage. They do notify your ex and mine tried to fight it (much like he fought the divorce) but unlike a divorce, the other party cannot stop it. I put all the blame on myself, which was not really true, but it made it impossible to argue with. I said how I was not ready for marriage, and some other negative stuff about myself.

 

I received a letter that my annulment was approved and they just needed the rest of my money to finalize it.

[d0nnivain]

They have actually streamlined the process. You first talk to your parish priest & then fill out a form. Pope Francis has directed that the annulments be granted more easily because he doesn't want to push people away from the Church. https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/pope-francis-reforms-annulment-process-9-things-to-know-and-share

[shydad]

I put all the blame on myself, which was not really true, but it made it impossible to argue with. I said how I was not ready for marriage, and some other negative stuff about myself.

Wow, this is a really valuable example to share. Thank you so much! So now I have a couple approaches to consider. My son's mom has a serious mental illness she refuses to treat and made the marriage doomed to last. I didn't know about it prior to the marriage. She has admitted to it to the (civil) court investigator, and it was indicated in a confidential psychological assessment, but usually she denies it, and I'm sure she'd fight it. This was the reason I had been thinking of before your example.

 

What to do? Go with "I wasn't ready", or the mental illness reason, or both? If anyone has an opinion, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

[standtall]

I was one of the people that stood up in a Catholic wedding, so I received one of the "forms" to fill out. It was several pages of data collecting and witnessing about the break down of the marriage. Then it has to be notarized and sent in. It cost my buddy several hundred dollars after that and about a year for the annulment to be granted.

[d0nnivain]

What to do? Go with "I wasn't ready", or the mental illness reason, or both? If anyone has an opinion, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

 

I'd talk to your priest & see what he says. I think putting both on the form, especially if you have treatment records or other professional assessments about your EX's condition. It's pretty easy to annul if one of the parties may not have had the full mental capacity to appreciate the sacrament.

[Lotsgoingon]

You know, I am betting that you can consult a priest or church official ahead of time. You ask for a meeting to share your thinking on applying for an annulment and in the meeting, you share your thinking about why you want the annulment ... and they will likely tell you ... well this reason here is a really good reasoning. This other line of reasoning not so good.

 

They will steer you to the most solid grounds to make your request. Or they'll send to someone else who knows annulments better.

 

On mental illness, I have lots of it in my family ... so I've thought about the issue a lot ... And I married someone with some mental illness ... I'm not Catholic, so I didn't have to do any annulment, but the way I came to see my ex and her condition ...was that she was incapable of being a full spouse and incapable of carrying out spouse obligations in a marriage. Literally she did not have the human capacity (neutral here) to love.

 

Side note: where I landed on marring someone with mental illness is that being really men and nasty is one line of problems ... being incapable of intimacy and functioning is a different path ... But they both lead to the same place. The person cannot love, cannot nurture and support a spouse ... (yes love is a capability) ... And thus the spouse is in effect abandoned by this person.

 

And then there was this: my ex was incapable of giving love ... but just as important, she was also incapable of RECEIVING love from me. Totally incapable. Heck, just thinking on the fly, I'm wondering if you can say your ex was closed to your love and the love of Christ in her life.

 

I knew a woman who wanted an annulment after like 15 to 20 years ... She had to appeal all the way up to the Vatican (her appeals became a source of ribbing from her friends) ... but she got it approved. That was like 25 years ago ... So I'm sure things are easier now.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow, this is a really valuable example to share. Thank you so much! So now I have a couple approaches to consider. My son's mom has a serious mental illness she refuses to treat and made the marriage doomed to last. I didn't know about it prior to the marriage. She has admitted to it to the (civil) court investigator, and it was indicated in a confidential psychological assessment, but usually she denies it, and I'm sure she'd fight it. This was the reason I had been thinking of before your example.

 

What to do? Go with "I wasn't ready", or the mental illness reason, or both? If anyone has an opinion, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

 

Well, you can talk about your ex but that is somewhat risky to make it your case because how can you really even know what another person is feeling or thinking. But you certainly know what you are thinking and feeling and no one can argue your case against you. Someone is going to read your petition and make a decision whether you have proven that the marriage shouldn't have existed and was invalid. Think of it like basically going to court, because you are. It used to be a panel made the decision, though that may have changed.

 

Now I'm not saying to lie or create a big fake story because it's a bit torturous to tell your life story to a nun or priest and others need to collaborate it. But, looking back at the beginning, most people have something they ignored within themselves and pressed on with the marriage, ignoring some big stop sign. You probably already know the bad things about your partner - now think about WHY you did not pay attention and married anyway. Maybe immaturity, maybe white knight syndrome, maybe childhood issues. What did you ignore inside yourself? maybe an inability to love or commit, maybe you just didn't really love the other person but were running from something in your life you didn't want to face. Maybe you have mental issues (don't we all) and were not ready to face them. Maybe you are a sex addict and can't be faithful.