Lostgirl50 Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 (edited) Hi I have been divorced for 3 years. We have 2 adult children. One lives with me going to university the other lives with my ex and is a recovering drug addict. My ex is now on disability thus the spousal support and child support was to renegotiated, it had been awful. He had been using the son living with him against me . If I don’t accept the offer he has made he will kick him out. My son as I said is a recovering sprig addict is poised to go back to school and sides with his dad seeing me as the monster. I should say i have been a stay at home mom most of my life . After we separated I went back to school landed a job and have been there since, it pays terribly but is full time. I am constantly looking for a better job. My ex makes much Moreno on disability. I am at my wits end. I can’t take the threats and bullying anymore. The last offer included a clause stating at the age of 60 we would have 30days to hammer out a new deal or it would go to a person to decide -can remember the persons title. I have lost it. I can’t take anymore. I am dropping out of negotiations and laying it at the judges feet to decide. I am terrified at the cost of this but see that I have no choice. No, the judge will not award court costs as this one does not. I have lost my son that lives with his dad. His mantra is just give dad what he wants and it will be done . I don’t know how much more I can take and how financially I will survive. I cannot be bullied anymore. And the thought that I have to deal with my ex at the age of 60 makes me sick. Thoughts ? Thank you , Edited July 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 (edited) [] Let's start with this - with two adult children, why child support? Mr. Lucky Edited July 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 (edited) Let's start with this - with two adult children, why child support?Mr. Lucky It's difficult to know without ages. I would assume that the 2nd being a recovering drug addict, despite being over the normal age of child support, could still classed as dependent just as a disabled child would be. Correct me if I'm wrong, OP. I'm also assuming that OP is the one paying child support and spousal support since she's the one with the job. The advice pretty much applies the same both ways, though, so it's easy to flip it if he's the one paying. spousal support and child support was to renegotiated Child support is worked out on a formula so there's no negotiation at all. You will simply pay what is required by law. Spousal support is another matter. You should keep them separate, don't treat them as one figure. One is for the child, the other is for him. If I don’t accept the offer he has made he will kick him out. My response to this would be to simply tell him that you will not be emotionally blackmailed. Child support is for supporting the child and is worked out by a formula which you will pay. If he kicks him out despite receiving the correct amount of child support then that is on him, not you. I would then tell him that if he doesn't like the amount of spousal support you are offering then that is his problem, and he should not take it out on the child. The last offer included a clause stating at the age of 60 we would have 30days to hammer out a new deal or it would go to a person to decide This is utterly ridiculous and pointless. As you know, either party can apply for a renegotiation at any time they want. There's no need to wait until the age of 60. And at the age of 60 you can renegotiate whether there is a clause or not. I would just point this out, and remove the clause. Edited July 26, 2018 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostgirl50 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 [] Let's start with this - with two adult children, why child support? Mr. Lucky Oh . I receive a nominal amount of child support because my son in still in school -his third year of university. The son that lives with my ex there is no child support as he is an adult that has been out of school for 5 years. The rule is that if child goes from high school on to her higher education with no break then child support continues to be paid. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 OP states Canada as location. Is that accurate? There are Canadians on the forum who can likely offer experience. Divorce laws and customs in my jurisdiction are very different from Canada. In general, though, if a divorce is not obviously amicable, the first stop is with a lawyer. Even with an amicable D it's good to have legal help but it's paramount with a contentious spouse. They have the tools to address your concerns and frustrations. If a lawyer isn't doing a good job, fire them. Our D was amicable and still took 18 months to settle. I've seen others with assets and kids and lots of vitriol on both sides take 5-7 years to settle and even then judgments and orders were ignored and things dragged on and on and on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostgirl50 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 My ex basically believes he should not pay a cent despite the law. We were married for 36 years, I asked for half that was all. Even with a court order he initially refused to disclose the value of his work pension . He insisted we go to court for me to get half of all we had . Then in turned told the kids it was my fault all the money that was spent. Now, he again does not want to pay a cent . In May at court he was told I was entitled to spousal support . He makes more than i on disability . Since then, the blackmail has begun using my child living with him - he is 24 enrolled at school in the same town. My other son is 20 living with me going to university . I believe the clause mentioning when he turns 60 was mentioned to let me know I will never be rid of him. At this point I either go back to court and ask for the world or I cut him lose on everything. Life is short , he is a mean bitter person. I am not . I want to be happy again . Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 (edited) OP, I hate to be the one to say it, but you're going to have to deal with him until he is 60 if you want money from him. What did you expect? A magic check just to appear very month? You said he is on disability, so that begs the question is he really disabled? How much money can disability really pay? If he is truly disabled(not fraudulently), then why are you try to get money from him regardless of whether or not you're entitled to it? BTW, he has the right to contest it as often as he can afford, so of course you're going to deal with him. Personally, I think you can do better getting a different job on your own. Well OP, it appears you have a choice. 1. Continue as you have and dealing with getting his money with the potential of him hauling you into court on occasion and pitting your kids against you. 2. Give up the money, and limit your contact with him to what is necessary in dealing with your adult children that you have together. OP, you did not paint yourself in a favorable light by going after lifetime spousal support from a man on disability and then complaining when he objects....get real. Also IMHO, in modern times the concept of lifetime spousal support is completely disgusting. Edited July 26, 2018 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostgirl50 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 We have been divorced for 3 years. He just went on disability. I am 54 years old. Was a stay at home mom which we both decided on before we had children. His disability is through his work and is a very good one. He is able to draw his pension at any time which is 6 figures. Since going on disability his lifestyle has gotten better from what I can see and told. Not cut back but better . A lifetime of spousal support ? No. In our divorce I took below the minimum amount to get rid of him . He does not want to pay child support or after child support ends to pay spousal support ever. Yes, cutting him lose is probably the best option. Communication is practically nil . My son who lives with him was in wo accidents both in which he rolled a vehicle. I was told of neither accident till much later. Yes, giving up all money from him is probably the best . It’s not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Do you have a divorce attorney? If so, what is the attorney recommending? I hear you on your desire to give up ... On the other hand, to take your side for a moment, you have the right to fight for support. And living with some extra money is far easier than living without that money. Can you consider consulting with a divorce attorney? ... Maybe you have already done so ... If you absolutely feel you mind end the conflict as soon as possible, at least request a lower amount than is now on the table. Walking away risks making you bitter forever ... though I also get that you're going for some peace of mind. My heart goes out to you. And no, it is not your job as a mother to submit to blackmail. No, and that's not a good way to raise a kid and not a good example for a kid. He will think women can be bullied and should be bullied. So you have the right to stand up for yourself. Definitely consult with friends on this one as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Was a stay at home mom which we both decided on before we had children. His disability is through his work and is a very good one. He is able to draw his pension at any time which is 6 figures. When you opted to stay home and not work, it was assumed you'd be together for the rest of your lives. It didn't work out. Time to make a career for yourself. Either walk away from the money that you're owed including your half of his pension or deal with the stress and costs associated with claiming it. Doesn't mean you need to deal with him directly or even speak to him. That's what courts are for. Seems rather straightforward. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 1, 2018 Share Posted August 1, 2018 I'm assuming your the one who ended the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostgirl50 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 Hello Thank you to all that replied - it had helped . I do have a divorce attorney. He too recommended that I not give up . I have been able to broker a deal with my ex - basically called him and asked if we could negotiate without lawyer to reach a deal , then have the lawyer draw it up . It worked ! More court costs averted ! I am weekly applying for a better job than the one I have now. I am wondering now if perhaps my age is the issue as I have gone on interviews and did not get the job. I will keep trying though as I am not a quitter. Life has to get better ! Thank you everyone ! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 I'm glad you have a lawyer. You need to listen to the lawyer not a bunch of untrained lay people on an international message board. If you are not in therapy, get some. Your lawyer can only provide legal advice, not emotional support. You need to figure out what you want more -- peace & to be done or financial support. Which of those will help you look yourself in the mirror 6 years from now? Oh . I receive a nominal amount of child support because my son in still in school -his third year of university. This sentence above bugged me. You don't get child support. That money belongs to your son & should be paid by you directly to him to offset school costs / housing / clothes / food etc. That is it's purpose. CS does not factor into your household budget at all other than as a way to feed, cloth & educate your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostgirl50 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Share Posted August 14, 2018 You are absolutely correct about child support. My child does receive it as he should. Lawyer looks at the financial side without emotion which is what he is to do. I started out like that but alas my heart got hurt .... the bottom line now is my children and their well being, Thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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