Cheating?

[m4dart]

Hello everyone,

 

I will try to tell my story as concise as I can because I am truly confused on what to think or do at this point.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year now. We live together and a lot of financial stuff is joint at this point. With that, were pretty serious about our relationship and furthering things when the time is right. We talk about the future all the time and were trying to get our first house together within the next year. He's a great guy towards me; takes care of me, cares for me, and loves me.. etc. I am very faithful person and I wouldnt do anything to him that would make him question that. I always let him know where I am, I clean our apartment before he gets home from work... Enough of the fluff, just know I am committed 100% to him.

 

Anyways, the confusing part I have with him is... he uses dating apps still to "get off" when I am not home. I caught him once before in April and he explained everything to me saying "I only talk these people when I need to get off, nothing more is going on" I told him that was cheating and he got rid of everything (or so I thought) (There was a fight and discussion much longer than that but I will spare you the details). Current day, I found out that he is sneaking on to Grindr (which a gay chatting app, right?!)... and I am very confused... And I do not know how to approach this topic. Is he gay? Is he bisexual? Is he just curious? But he's not single, so why even go on Grindr? I just have a million thoughts going through my head. I often blame myself and try to find flaws in myself that would make him do stuff like that to me. He hasnt "withdrawn" from me; if anything he's been way more clingy to me (I dont know if thats to mask what he's doing bc he knows its wrong or what)

 

I am super transparent (he knows my passwords to everything); I have no interest in talking to other people in such manner. I find it disrespectful. I just really love this man and I just want to approach this conversation. Currently, I am confused and upset and just don't want to say something I do not mean. I do not want to break up with him because of this but I am afraid he will take things with people to "real life." Sorry, if I am rambling.. usually writing helps me gather my thoughts a bit better.

 

I dont know if anyone here is going through something similar, but I hope I can get some good advice before I approach him. I am trying to be as mature as possible about it.

 

Thank you! XO

Edited July 26, 2018 by m4dart

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

 

Has he been married before? If not, last LTR length? How long was he single before he met you?

 

One question to ponder is why he was preferring to 'get off' with people other than his girlfriend and lover.

 

One simple answer is a lack of emotional bond to you. Sure he can love you and all that but doesn't have the glue at the elemental emotional level. That's why I asked about his relationship history. It could be he's never had that, with anyone.

 

Another simple answer is path of least resistance. If he's one of those guys, it's easier to get off with stuff one can control. A girlfriend is decidedly outside of one's control. That's not bad, just the way it is.

 

On the gay thing, who knows could be, could also be bi-sexual. Usually that kind of stuff is dealt with early. I've been around bi-sexual women and their aura around other attractive women is pretty obvious. They swing both ways, even if they're married to a guy. How's your guy with other men in real life? What do you observe?

 

Sounds like you set some boundaries for appropriate behavior. What remains is whether or not he respects and loves you sufficiently to follow them.

 

Is your sex life satisfying? Is it satisfying for him? Some stuff to talk about outside the bedroom. After a year it should be easy and fluid to share private thoughts and feelings if there's an emotional bond there. How is that going?

[smackie9]

if you can't step up and have a very frank conversation about this with him, then you have no business planning a future with him. Straight up, a relationship will not survive if you can't communicate with each other, especially about personal things. This relationship is on a landslide, so you better get to it.

 

 

 

IMO he has a problem he won't deal with. You already tried with him to set boundaries, but he won't have any of it. That is grounds for a breakup. It's not what you want to hear but if you don't get his cooperation to fix this, it's done whether like it or not.

[stillafool]

You should have confronted him about this immediately. I don't understand how you could be afraid to ask him about his use of Grindr. You know what that site is about and why he was there. I would get checked for STDs if I were you.

[smackie9]

You shouldn't be worried how he will react...your reaction should be anger.

[d0nnivain]

If you can't talk to this man you have no business co habituating or co-mingling finances. Mixing up the money with somebody you are not married to is asking for trouble.

 

His behavior is unacceptable. You need it to stop or you have walk. there is no middle ground here.

[smackie9]

If you can't talk to this man you have no business co habituating or co-mingling finances. Mixing up the money with somebody you are not married to is asking for trouble.

 

His behavior is unacceptable. You need it to stop or you have walk. there is no middle ground here.

This^^^^100%. You just may have to get a lawyer now.

[Doost]

Well on the bright side if this doesn’t make you want to end it nothing will.

[sdraw108]

I'm sorry OP. You seem like a nice genuine girl with values. You shouldn't waste that on a guy who lacks those values. What has happened here is a classic scenario. You caught him the first time and instead of stopping he simply went to greater lengths to hide it. Cheating (and yes, this is cheating, even if nothing physically happened) is a very difficult thing for a relationship to get past when it is a one time thing and the guilty party is truly remorseful. In this case it isn't just a one time thing, it's an ingrained habit.

 

To answer your other questions, yes he is bisexual / curious. And yes, he is at the very least fantasising about a "real life" meet, if he hasn't already done so.

 

Breaking up with someone you love is always painful. But it's the right thing to do when your partner is no good for you long term.

[bachdude]

So sorry, OP. I'm sure it's really difficult.

 

He is having phone sex with other men and women. That is cheating. It doesn't matter if they haven't met.

 

On the bright side, you found out before you got married. Imagine how aweful it would be if you discovered this after walking down the aisle. Or even worse, after having a child together. At least now you have far more options.

 

OP, check out the statistics of marital cheating. It's a little over 50% of men who cheat and between 40 and 50% of women who cheat. Those are time times we live in, sadly. With those odds, only guys who can walk the straight and narrow while dating will do. Don't settle for anything less.

 

Best of luck.