Ladies has #metoo made it tougher to date?

[JuneL]

Ah, the irony of a guy who's debating #metoo (while dismissing women as not being aware of the truth of the matter) not wanting to date a woman who's debating #metoo.

 

I can confidently assure you that the feeling would go both ways. I suspect women would much prefer the type of guy who's over on the men's #metoo thread who's telling us they are not finding an issue with dating. Out of curiosity, are you also going to tell the men that they are wrong?

 

The irony I saw was that the only woman who thought #metoo may complicate her dating life turns out to be unaffected: she will continue to get asked out, apparently. The conclusion is, no woman’s dating life has been affected after all.

 

If I have to date again, #metoo sure won’t affect me one bit: I’ve never been interested in guys who can’t read women anyway. So those who would be discouraged to ask me out because of #metoo wouldn’t interest me a bit in any case.

[PRW]

Thankfully not dating anymore, but yes, MeToo vastly complicated things for me and females similar to me.

 

I'll explain why: I'm introverted and do NOT like giving visible signs of flirting. Tossing hairs, prolonged eye contact etc is just not happening. I don't go out at night clubs and never drink. Also, I rarely if ever accepted first date invite on first time or second time. Basically only the alpha assertive approach of guys has worked fro me in my entire life.

 

My BF and I met at work - it took 2 months of almost daily hangouts for him to escalate to a kiss. Then I asked him why he was so slow to initiate: answer - because he was not sure was I interested?!?! For context: I was horny to no end, had multiple sexual dreams with him etc. Well, because i didn't make it very explicit, he wasn't sure and was afraid of losing his job. By lucky circumstances I found another job around the same time, otherwise we would have passed by each other. SO basically MeToo would have ruined our potential as a couple. Or not MeToo but the debilitating fear it creates in men....

 

 

Good comments.

What you describe is shyness though, not introverted. I am introverted, but only shy under certain conditions. You probably do show signs of interest. There are many ways to show it besides the common ones. But you are right about declining on the 1st or 2nd time you get a date invite, that would shoot you down with me unless you gave some indication you wanted me to try again later,...and the shyness may prevent you from doing that. Generally if I am declined on the first attempt and don't get a counter offer or some indication that I should try again later,...I don't come back.

[No_Go]

Good comments.

What you describe is shyness though, not introverted. I am introverted, but only shy under certain conditions. You probably do show signs of interest. There are many ways to show it besides the common ones. But you are right about declining on the 1st or 2nd time you get a date invite, that would shoot you down with me unless you gave some indication you wanted me to try again later,...and the shyness may prevent you from doing that. Generally if I am declined on the first attempt and don't get a counter offer or some indication that I should try again later,...I don't come back.

 

I guess both shyness and introversion, eg I cant stand group settings (parties, networking events) or laughing crowds or anything including drinking of any kind.. kind of disqualifying me from typical dating settings.

 

But basically for shy women and men metoo makes it rough...

 

What would you consider subtle signs of interest? Don’t you think one and done asking is a bit too extreme?

[JuneL]

I guess both shyness and introversion, eg I cant stand group settings (parties, networking events) or laughing crowds or anything including drinking of any kind.. kind of disqualifying me from typical dating settings.

 

But basically for shy women and men metoo makes it rough...

 

What would you consider subtle signs of interest? Don’t you think one and done asking is a bit too extreme?

 

If a guy asks you out a few times very respectfully, nobody is going to say he’s sexually harrassing you. If you’re going to play hard to get and repeatedly reject a guy, then you’ll drive them away (except for those super aggressive ones) with or without #metoo anyway. Your current bf took the super patient route and acted like your friend first. Not many guys can be that patient, with or without #metoo. Instead of blaming #metoo, why don’t you just be more mature and less aloof?

 

Of course you have to be more careful if you’re colleagues. But such was the case way before #metoo.

[PRW]

I guess both shyness and introversion, eg I cant stand group settings (parties, networking events) or laughing crowds or anything including drinking of any kind.. kind of disqualifying me from typical dating settings.

I don't drink alcohol at all, ever,...and am introverted in person so I know what you mean. Technically I am an Omega personality type. It is similar to an Alpha but the alpha is extrovert based while an Omega is introvert based,...however many of the other characteristics are the same. I'm happy to be an Omega, maybe even a little proud of it.

 

What would you consider subtle signs of interest?

Tough one. It may be just something you see when you look at each other. Making themselves available or nearby,...but not quite like "orbiting". Even if they look away from eye contact there is still something different from someone looking away when they aren't interested.

 

Don’t you think one and done asking is a bit too extreme?

Sometimes. But you have to govern your interactions based on what is more common rather than what is more rare. But it is only "one and done" if there is no feedback. Like I said, making a counter offer or encouraging the guy in some way to try again later makes a big difference.

[basil67]

Mischaracterizing my point and position.

 

OK, perhaps I didn't write enough.

 

You wouldn't date a woman who protests that #metoo is relevant because you think they are more likely to make false accusations towards you. I suspect you haven't spoken to your female friends and family members about having been raped, sexually assaulted or seriously harassed. The reason that #metoo is so relevant is that it's so damn common for this stuff to happen to us. Almost every woman I know in real life has some story to tell about this stuff. How you manage to twist #metoo into women making up stories to damage men is beyond me.

 

And this is why women wouldn't want to date a man who debates #metoo. He's actively dismissing the past experiences of so many women (very likely the very woman he's dating or her best friends) and making #metoo about conniving women who are out to get him.

 

So there you have it. A guy who doesn't want a woman who's debating #metoo would not be wanted by a woman who understands it's relevance.

[darkmoon]

The Mattress Girl lied.

[basil67]

The Mattress Girl lied.

 

Men and women have lied about each other since time began. This doesn't negate the fact that sexual assault, rape and serious harassment has happened to so many women. And I don't see the problem in talking about just how frequent it is.

 

I am not lying when I talk about being repeatedly molested at age 13 by a man twice my age. I didn't report it and I haven't publicly named him....but #metoo is certainly relevant to me. And the fact that this happened to me in the past does not make me more likely to make up stories about men I may meet.

[guest569]

We don't wanna date guys who automatically think "is she lying?" about being raped, or who label all women who argue that #metoo is relevant as "vindictive"

 

I tend to be more drawn to intellectual and feminist types myself. So no issues there

[NuevoYorko]

To some those are three of the same thing.

Also to some Mexicans are criminals, rapists and very very bad people. It disturbs me that "some" think like that, but it does not reflect the reality of being a Mexican. What outliers think of #metoo does not reflect the reality of it.

 

I realize that there are going to be false accusations, probably more than before. Women can be liars, opportunists, vengeful just as much as men can be. That doesn't change the fact that our culture has permitted a practice that is not acceptable, and now the change is starting to happen.

[No_Go]

Yeah I'm guessing you are INxx type (MyersBriggs) it is harder for people like us...

 

But you have to govern your interactions based on what is more common rather than what is more rare.

I was following this principle. Then decided to stop and I'm way too happy with the outcome to ever get back

 

I don't drink alcohol at all, ever,...and am introverted in person so I know what you mean. Technically I am an Omega personality type. It is similar to an Alpha but the alpha is extrovert based while an Omega is introvert based,...however many of the other characteristics are the same. I'm happy to be an Omega, maybe even a little proud of it.

 

Tough one. It may be just something you see when you look at each other. Making themselves available or nearby,...but not quite like "orbiting". Even if they look away from eye contact there is still something different from someone looking away when they aren't interested.

 

Sometimes. But you have to govern your interactions based on what is more common rather than what is more rare. But it is only "one and done" if there is no feedback. Like I said, making a counter offer or encouraging the guy in some way to try again later makes a big difference.

[No_Go]

June I'm not acting immature or playing games. I'd be playing games if I flirt because it is NOT part of the way how I naturally act around people. It is just a personality type.

 

BF and I lucked out in a sense that I changed jobs. Otherwise the platonic stage may have extended too much...

 

If a guy asks you out a few times very respectfully, nobody is going to say he’s sexually harrassing you - yes, I think some people misinterpret that though...

 

If a guy asks you out a few times very respectfully, nobody is going to say he’s sexually harrassing you. If you’re going to play hard to get and repeatedly reject a guy, then you’ll drive them away (except for those super aggressive ones) with or without #metoo anyway. Your current bf took the super patient route and acted like your friend first. Not many guys can be that patient, with or without #metoo. Instead of blaming #metoo, why don’t you just be more mature and less aloof?

 

Of course you have to be more careful if you’re colleagues. But such was the case way before #metoo.

[JuneL]

I understand you didn’t do it intentionally. But if you know that rejecting a guy’s invitation on a date repeatedly is going to retain only the super aggressive ones whom you’re not even attracted to, why didn’t you try to change?

 

June I'm not acting immature or playing games. I'd be playing games if I flirt because it is NOT part of the way how I naturally act around people. It is just a personality type.

 

BF and I lucked out in a sense that I changed jobs. Otherwise the platonic stage may have extended too much...

 

If a guy asks you out a few times very respectfully, nobody is going to say he’s sexually harrassing you - yes, I think some people misinterpret that though...

[basil67]

June I'm not acting immature or playing games. I'd be playing games if I flirt because it is NOT part of the way how I naturally act around people. It is just a personality type.

 

BF and I lucked out in a sense that I changed jobs. Otherwise the platonic stage may have extended too much...

 

If a guy asks you out a few times very respectfully, nobody is going to say he’s sexually harrassing you - yes, I think some people misinterpret that though...

 

I understand where you're coming from - especially as you were timid and with no relationship experience. Perhaps it's something you may change as you grow with confidence

 

I think the problem is that it's difficult for men to understand the difference between a woman who needs time to make up her mind and a woman for whom "no" means NO. I the kind of woman who means what she says. I once had a man who was chasing me after I said no. Despite the fact he used his best manners, I found it incredibly disrespectful that he didn't take my "no" seriously. If I had happened to later change my mind about him, the onus would be on me to eat humble pie and ask him out.

 

As far as repeated requests to date being sexual harassment goes, in private life it's annoying but not harassment. However, in a workplace situation it's completely unacceptable.

[JuneL]

I understand where you're coming from - especially as you were timid and with no relationship experience. Perhaps it's something you may change as you grow with confidence

 

I think the problem is that it's difficult for men to understand the difference between a woman who needs time to make up her mind and a woman for whom "no" means NO. I the kind of woman who means what she says. I once had a man who was chasing me after I said no. Despite the fact he used his best manners, I found it incredibly disrespectful that he didn't take my "no" seriously. If I had happened to later change my mind about him, the onus would be on me to eat humble pie and ask him out.

 

As far as repeated requests to date being sexual harassment goes, in private life it's annoying but not harassment. However, in a workplace situation it's completely unacceptable.

 

If I understand correctly, No Go didn’t say no explicitly when being asked out the first few times; instead, she just ignored the invitation or changed the topic.

 

I myself used to be very shy too (in general, not just in the dating context). But I remember that my mentor once told me to “get over it”. Then it dawned on me that I’m already a grown woman and it’s kind of immature to be too shy.

[No_Go]

I understand you didn’t do it intentionally. But if you know that rejecting a guy’s invitation on a date repeatedly is going to retain only the super aggressive ones whom you’re not even attracted to, why didn’t you try to change?

 

I don’t know how TBH, but anyway I had my fair share with the aggressive ones... Maybe I needed it to ‘break in’ into dating and relationships? Hope no more dating in the horizon, I feel like BF&I will be for the long haul But I don’t know what advice to give to shy/timid/inexperienced women AND guys when the current trend is yes/no dating, no grey areas...

[No_Go]

If I understand correctly, No Go didn’t say no explicitly when being asked out the first few times; instead, she just ignored the invitation or changed the topic.

 

I myself used to be very shy too (in general, not just in the dating context). But I remember that my mentor once told me to “get over it”. Then it dawned on me that I’m already a grown woman and it’s kind of immature to be too shy.

 

Well that’s a bit like telling someone depressed to stop being depressed isn’t it? Getting over it I guess is a meter of practice that not everyone is willing to do.

[No_Go]

Workplace is tough - I generally agree but on the other side it’s one of the most viable places to met likeminded people... Obviously mentor/mentee pairings are always in appropriate but otherwise it’s a grey area.

 

I guess there are always social clues showing if ‘No’ is no or maybe...but not all men can read these. I wish there was a way around it without creating excessive fear in men...

 

I understand where you're coming from - especially as you were timid and with no relationship experience. Perhaps it's something you may change as you grow with confidence

 

I think the problem is that it's difficult for men to understand the difference between a woman who needs time to make up her mind and a woman for whom "no" means NO. I the kind of woman who means what she says. I once had a man who was chasing me after I said no. Despite the fact he used his best manners, I found it incredibly disrespectful that he didn't take my "no" seriously. If I had happened to later change my mind about him, the onus would be on me to eat humble pie and ask him out.

 

As far as repeated requests to date being sexual harassment goes, in private life it's annoying but not harassment. However, in a workplace situation it's completely unacceptable.