Ex-coworker/friend potentially something more?

[Mentholman]

Hey would appreciate some advice.

 

I'm a guy who works in a fairly small office space, most of my co-workers are friends we're quite a social group. A few months ago we got a new girl who I was attracted to. As it was a work environment I decided it was best not to pursue it in anyway. Fast forward a few months and we have started to get close, we sit next to each other at work, talk all the time and end up walking home together a lot of the time as we live pretty damn close (5 minute walk). In the end I made the decision to just ask her to hang out after work and see how it felt. We got drinks and it was nice but I noticed that to her it was just a friendly thing and to me I was obviously wanting it to be something more, I felt a bit bummed but just decided to move on as she also mentioned she was actually leaving work as she was going on a trip with a friend.

 

However we still end up spending bits of time together in and out of work and its nice but i'm obviously falling for her. As I know she's leaving work soon anyway I decide to tell her how I feel after some work drinks we were having. We end up at a bar together and as we get into the bar she mentions her tinder date is there and we may have to say hi. What proceeds is 15 mins of me gritting my teeth and chatting with some guy she matched with on tinder, which is obviously unpleasant. We then end up walking home together and she can tell i'm obviously a bit peeved. Just as i'm about to drop her off at her front door I decide to just tell her that I have feelings for her. We end up sitting outside and just talking, she immediately apologises for putting me through the whole 3rd wheel ordeal. She also says she doesn't even really like the tinder guy and that she does really like me, that we clicked but it takes her quite a while to like someone. We had a big hug and I went home, initially I felt much better despite nothing really happening as just getting this off my chest felt much better. However I woke up the next day feeling more confused about where I stood with her.

 

I decided that as she was going on a trip soon I would just chill out and if she wanted to see me still the ball was in her court so to speak. For the last 2-3 weeks before she was to leave however we then spent even more time together. A lot of the time this was her suggesting we hang out before she left. She went on her trip and messaged me a bit but for the most part she was gone for over a month.

 

Recently she came back and our work group invited her out for the drinks we were planning on having. From the moment she showed up it felt like I barely spoke to anyone else that night, I told her i'd missed her a lot and she was super keen on making plans for me and her to hang out sometime. By the end of the night it was just me and we ended up walking home like usual, we hugged at her front door and I left.

 

While she was on her trip people asked me if anything had happened between us as people could tell that we were kind of clicking and getting on. I kinda told a few people what had happened and they urged me to talk to her again when she was back. I didn't talk to her that last night out as it was just nice to catch up and see her again and I didn't want to potentially make anything awkward however now I'm kicking myself for either not saying anything or making a move. Initially I was just going to raise the fact that now she's back I am someone that does have feelings for her and they aren't likely to go away anytime soon, as just hanging out as friends is kinda painful especially when she does know now how i feel. My friends who know about this said this was probably a good idea however now one of these friends has said next time i see her or we're all out for drinks that if I like her I should maybe just make a move? It kind of makes sense as if she does feel the same way it can't hurt and if she doesn't it'll be a bit awkward but that's how I feel and I need her to be aware of that. Plus my friend said something is more likely to happen from someone making a move than from just having an awkward conversation about feelings.

 

Basically I've been confused as when I told her how i felt I was expecting that to make some kind of tangible change, if she liked me great maybe we go on a date and if not then I can move on, however I just got a vague reply and then we spent loads of time together and got closer but I still didn't really know how she felt about me. Now she's back I have no idea how to proceed, any advice would be appreciated.

[d0nnivain]

The vagueness of all this is your down fall.

 

As soon as she is no longer employed by the company, call her (do not text) & invite her on a real date:

 

Hey, let's give us a shot. How about I take you out to dinner on Saturday night to [pick a nice restaurant, not a casual place in your neighborhood]?

 

If she says yes, great you have a date! If she changes the time, day of the week or restaurant proceed with caution but do go. If she gives a vague non-committal reply or says no, you have been friend-zoned.

[Lotsgoingon]

Tough one brother ...

 

You shared your feelings on that night outside her place and you got the hug and you got her acknowledgement and apology for making you the 3rd wheel.

 

She said she was slow to warm up to people ... which led you to hope she would warm up to you ... and led you to think you had a chance. All reasonable thinking so far.

 

I hate to do this, but I'm gonna say there are two ways to go about this:

 

1. You need to "escalate." Sounds like you don't know how to flirt ... which is OK. Flirting means deliberately saying something ... doing something ... touching her hand, etc ... that is just slightly beyond what a "friend" would do.

 

So you may need to go for the planned flirt. To do this, you will need to invite her out in a way that is strikingly different from the way you've invited her out before. Like, you can't go to the same bar or restaurant you've been going to with her ... Somehow you need to signal "this meeting is different." Signal to her and to yourself ... Find another cool bar ... or restaurant ... maybe a slightly more expensive place ...

 

Have you gone out with her on a Saturday night? ... a non-working night? If you haven't then an invitation like that signals difference and escalates ... shifts the energy ... and hopefully in a way that allows you to step up to make some kind of move--whether verbal or physical.

 

A nice move for you might be taking her hand gently.

 

I would say sit at the bar, even if you're ordering full dinner (but a different bar than the previous ones) ... so you guys will face each other in talking ... and then ... at some point brother, you want to gently put your hand in hers ... a more safe move is to say "I want to hold your hand."

 

Taking her hand is a good move ... because it's not creepy. She can let go at any point ... It's not an obnoxious move. And if she squeezes back and takes your hand into hers ... you've crossed the Rubicon ....

 

Another way people escalate these days is through flirty texting ... like like "When are we going to set up our Tinder date?" ... or better yet. "How about you and I go on a Tinder date this Saturday?"

 

Now when you escalate, you are not guaranteed success. She might not be interested, but this woman likes you as a person, so she's not going to be mean and she's not going to humiliate you. But escalating guarantees that you will get an answer: you'll talk about a relationship. You'll get a yes or no about her interest.

 

So that's one option.

 

2. The next option goes the other way ... For this option, you go out with her again ... and you don't force things ... You look for an opportunity to escalate through talk or taking her hand or hugging her ... but you don't plan it ... and you don't insist on it with yourself.

 

This approach is sound because in my experience, if I can't find a way to hold a woman's hand or touch her shoulder or hug her or do something plainly flirty, it's not lack of courage getting the way. It's that she's sending standoffish signals.

 

By now, if she were interested, she should be stepping closer to you when talking, she should be walking closer to you when walking. There should just be energy coming from her that says, "do something dude." It should be harder to not take her hand than it is to take her hand.

 

I can't tell right now whether she is giving off that positive energy and you're simply missing it ... or too scared to respond to it ... or if she's holding back. My guess would be that she's holding back and you're picking up those distance signals and that's blocking you from going further ...

 

A woman who REALLY likes a guy who is shy and scared ... will make it easy for that guy to make a move on her. She'll even initiate the move.

 

And if she doesn't do this, she's ambivalent and ambivalent people always turn out to be busts to date. They're ambivalent on night #1 or romance ... and they'll be ambivalent a week later even after you have spent intense and intimate time with them.

[Mentholman]

Hey guys, really appreciate the responses, I think you and my friends are right, she may be interested and I just need to escalate in some form to find out. I guess either way I'll at least know where I stand at the end.