Really liking my flatmate

[artnoveau]

I have had a new flatmate for a month now and I am emotionally very confused.

I knew I kind of fancied him, when he applied for the room and he winked at me before he left. So I guess I was foolish for letting him have the room.

Since he has moved in we spent a lot of time together - just several nights a week talking, watching movies, always checking in with each other.

He also was the first to initiate physical contact - he tussles my hair, touches my shoulder, takes my hand. But always only briefly.

He seems to be fine with more body contact - hugs, putting on suncream, massages - but never tries to initiate it by himself or go further.

He has also been in two serious long distance relationships and only started calling the last one his "ex" recently, though they've been broken up for six months.

I recently also found out that he feels very lonely and doesn't have many old friends and has had trouble finding new ones since he moved to our city 18 months ago. (Though he says he has always had trouble initiating contact with people).

He unfortunately also told me, that he had sex with his ex up until april and that he recently liked a girl on the train, but wasn't brave enough to ask for her number. I know, a guy telling you stuff like this is a tell tale sign that he is not into you. But I find it so hard to figure out whether he truly doesn't "see me that way" (I am four years older and a bit "curvy", but I think his ex was too) or whether he is just incapable of expressing his feelings.

He says he can set boundaries fine and still agrees to massage me - but maybe he just likes being physical with people.

 

The situation is really difficult for me - I don't want to move out as I love the flat and its cheap - but I also feel like my mood is tied to how he treats me - if I get attention, I am happy, if I notice that he is nice to our new flatmate, I feel sad.

I tried distancing myself last week - his behavior seems to have changed a bit since then. Before he always talked about having kids, that topic is gone now. He also seems to be less attentive to his looks now. I feel like I have hurt him and have tried talking about it, but while he admits to feeling sad and lonely, he says it isn't my fault.

So maybe we are just two people liking each other, but having no idea, whether its okay. Our moods going up and down depending on how we evaluate the other's interest. Or maybe I am just desperate and lonely myself.

 

So how do I figure this out?

[Mr. Lucky]

So how do I figure this out?

 

Very carefully. To me, this is like dating someone you work with - only worse, since the downside is greater.

 

Given the logistics, I'd look for some love somewhere other than the spare bedroom. Just too many potential complications...

 

Mr. Lucky

[artnoveau]

Very carefully. To me, this is like dating someone you work with - only worse, since the downside is greater.

 

Given the logistics, I'd look for some love somewhere other than the spare bedroom. Just too many potential complications...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

True.

But I also feel like I won't be happy dating someone else with him right under my nose. I'd get incredibly jealous if he ever brought a girl home.

How do I cool down these emotions?

[preraph]

I think you better have the talk. I mean, he has done some affectionate touching and men don't usually want to be "just friends." So since you're miserable and don't want to be there to watch him date, I think you better tell him, "Hey, I apologize in advance, but I'm afraid I'm about to mess up our living arrangement because I'm starting to have feelings for you. What should we do about it?"

 

See, you could just wait and see if anything escalates, or escalate it yourself, but if he's dating and then escalates, it's like "Hey, you knew I was dating other people," and you're not in a good bargaining position. Have you considered having him invite his friends over for a party and seeing if any of his friends would be of interest to you to avert this disaster?

[Mr. Lucky]

How do I cool down these emotions?

 

Step one would be to stop with the massages and flirtatious behavior.

 

Look, you might have to think outside the box. Perhaps, as preraph recommended, you lay your cards on the table and, if there's mutual interest, he moves out so you can pursue a relationship.

 

T I'd get incredibly jealous if he ever brought a girl home.

 

If you'd be jealous now over a girl pre-relationship, think how awkwardly angry you'd be over a girl post-relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[artnoveau]

I think you better have the talk.

 

Thank you. That is very helpful advice.

I have told him that we need to talk and have prepared a letter I can give him, if I don't manage to say it out loud.

Granted the letter says that I like him but feel like he doesn't like me back and that I am thinking about moving out, because the situation is emotionally straining.

 

That is already assuming that he doesn't want me and a bit defensive, but I feel like I can't let my guard down any further. If he likes me after all, he still has a chance to let me know, but I can't bring myself to ask about his feelings directly. The idea of getting rejected is just too uncomfortable.

[preraph]

If you're going to do it via a letter, just email it, but start right away telling him sorry to do this in email but I would be too nervous to tell you face to face.

[artnoveau]

If you're going to do it via a letter, just email it, but start right away telling him sorry to do this in email but I would be too nervous to tell you face to face.

 

I have actually handwritten a note and wanted to hand it to him at the beginning of the talk, when we are in the same room.

But I am gonna tell him how sorry I am beforehand and that things will be complicated.

[preraph]

Maybe you better tell him it's not an eviction notice. Although it might turn into one.

[artnoveau]

Well, this didn't go as planned.

I sat down with him a few hours ago, admitted to being nervous and sorry (and drinking a few shots and basically crying) and finally handed him the note that said that I liked him and - assuming that he doesn't feel the same - would maybe want to move out.

He held my ****ing hand, while he read it, he came over and hugged me right after and then he told me that it is okay for me to move out.

Which is basically a knife right through the heart.

There was no "I am sorry to lose you as a friend/flatmate" or anything.

Just that he doesn't have a problem, but if I do its fine if I move out. (I've been living here a year longer, ffs).

 

It sounds like a nice guy, who is accepting of my feelings and decisions and usually that is something I appreciate.

But it also sounds like someone who has spent a month of talking to me for hours each day, waiting up for me at night, touching me, letting me hug him repeatedly in an affectionate manner telling me that it means absolutely nothing to him. That I am utterly replaceable with just anybody and that he doesn't care if I have to leave the comfort of my home.

It makes me kind of angry. Actually angry enough to think about not moving out.

Edited July 29, 2018 by artnoveau

[preraph]

Uh, well, I admire your feistiness, but don't punish yourself further. It would still suck to watch him making out while he watches a movie with a woman. It would suck to find out he told some of his friends and they started looking at you with pity.

 

He probably felt he was being "big brotherly," not romantic. Honestly, he's not a terrible guy or he'd taken advantage of you just for sex since he knows how easy that would be now.

 

I'm sorry you're hurt and angry. Angry is good. Hold on to that and don't waste any more of your young life seeing if you can change his mind. You can't. Find a new place to live. Not with a guy since you might just fall for them as well.

[artnoveau]

I'm sorry you're hurt and angry. Angry is good. Hold on to that and don't waste any more of your young life seeing if you can change his mind. You can't. Find a new place to live. Not with a guy since you might just fall for them as well.

 

I guess you are right. Its just not very easy to find somewhere I can afford and would like to live permanently.

[Mr. Lucky]

Its just not very easy to find somewhere I can afford and would like to live permanently.

 

I hate it when I'm right ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[darkmoon]

I guess you are right. Its just not very easy to find somewhere I can afford and would like to live permanently.

 

 

so you were living in the flat first, he has no right to nudge you out

 

 

 

talk to your landlord before the flatmate does, the landlord might be helpful and you have nothing to lose

[preraph]

Oh -- who's name is on the lease? if it's you, he has to be the one to move, not you.

[artnoveau]

I lived there first, but it doesn't matter much, as we have a separate lease for each room.

And the landlord won't be helpful either, the owner died and his son has inherited the house (and several more), but seems set on making more money. So they are trying to get us out of the flat or have us sign a new contract with twice the rent, as it is.

 

It seems like I might at least have to share the flat for a month or even more with him.

Any idea on how to make sure I can at least bear the situation?

I was thinking of leaving for a few days now and having another conversation with him before he leaves for ten days at the end of next week. But I have no idea what I actually want from him. I know it can't go on, as it was before, but having all that gone is going to hurt too. So how much contact is okay/bearable? Can I turn this around and still be friends, somehow? I had a friend who it worked with, but we weren't living together and he was much nicer in turning me down, than my flatmate was.

Or are there any rules you would recommend, I should set in this situation?

 

The whole "living together" makes things really annoying, because I just don't have any time off from the pain and confusion. I just don't get around to making good decisions. I actually drove to my workplace in the middle of the nigth, to be away from him.

Edited July 29, 2018 by artnoveau

[Mr. Lucky]

The whole "living together" makes things really annoying, because I just don't have any time off from the pain and confusion. I just don't get around to making good decisions.

 

You rolled the dice and lost, happens in love and in life. Stick mostly to your room, use the time he's gone to get your head together and go on with your life. This too shall pass.

 

I'd forget about being friends with him, doubt it will work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[darkmoon]

you need a distraction from him

 

 

good books, regular nights out with the girls, a new romantic interest...

[preraph]

So when is your lease up? Just lay low until it's up, but go ahead and sign a new lease so you can move the moment it's up. It's going to be a miserable interim. But you owe it to him to be polite, but that is all. Stay in your room.