Marriage and Finances: Importance of Equals

[d0nnivain]

Providing services that he would have to pay for? Why? The men I've dated have lived independently, as I have, and we don't have in-home help we pay providing services. Most people are perfectly capable of doing those things for themselves.

 

Of course, but if you are a stay at home spouse you do these things for a partner to free up the partner's after work time. If somebody is home it makes sense for them to do all the laundry so when the person who works outside of the house comes home the couple can spend time together. It's not totally about commoditizing housework but it is part of the dynamic if the couple makes the joint decision for one person to stay home, especially for child care. If you both work you will have to find somebody to watch the kids. That will have a cost.

 

Where I live child care can be as much as $15,000 per year. Somebody making $25,000 per year probably only brings home $19,000 so does it really make sense to do all that work for a $4,000 net AND have somebody else raise your kids? That $4,000 may not even be enough for gas, car insurance & routine maintenance.

 

Every couple works this out differently but getting married does not automatically make you subordinate to your spouse, emotionally, financially or sexually.

Edited July 28, 2018 by d0nnivain

[BTDT2012]

OP, why do you want to get married? Marriage isn't for everyone.

[Doorstopper]

OP, why do you want to get married? Marriage isn't for everyone.

 

True,

 

If you feel you need to have a "financial" out if it doesn't work out, maybe marriage is not for you.

 

With the "duty sex" mentioned a couple of time, I almost think this is more about love and vulnerabilities, rather than finances.

[BettyDraper]

I believe that those who are happy and confident in their decisions do not need to judge others for taking different paths.

 

That is what I learned when I lost "friends" for becoming a housewife.

 

How the OP equates being financially dependent with servitude and reluctant sex is beyond me.

 

Having a career does not protect anyone from sexual difficulties.

[basil67]

How the OP equates being financially dependent with servitude and reluctant sex is beyond me.

 

Exactly. I misunderstood the question because I couldn't begin to fathom being stuck in a marriage as a slave.

 

The whole argument makes no sense to me.

[basil67]

Of course, but if you are a stay at home spouse you do these things for a partner to free up the partner's after work time. If somebody is home it makes sense for them to do all the laundry so when the person who works outside of the house comes home the couple can spend time together. It's not totally about commoditizing housework but it is part of the dynamic if the couple makes the joint decision for one person to stay home, especially for child care. If you both work you will have to find somebody to watch the kids. That will have a cost.

 

Where I live child care can be as much as $15,000 per year. Somebody making $25,000 per year probably only brings home $19,000 so does it really make sense to do all that work for a $4,000 net AND have somebody else raise your kids? That $4,000 may not even be enough for gas, car insurance & routine maintenance.

 

Every couple works this out differently but getting married does not automatically make you subordinate to your spouse, emotionally, financially or sexually.

 

Exactly. As someone who's always had a 'job' rather than a 'career', the cost of childcare would have made working prohibitive for me even if I hadn't been a carer.

 

Despite not having an income, I am very much an equal in the marriage.

[brigit87]

Exactly. As someone who's always had a 'job' rather than a 'career', the cost of childcare would have made working prohibitive for me even if I hadn't been a carer.

 

Despite not having an income, I am very much an equal in the marriage.

 

 

I don't think being a housewife is for everyone. Some women feel the need to have "careers." I don't. Like you, I had lots of jobs that maybe some women might consider a career but I just felt like they were a stressful and hateful time eater. I needed to bring money in so I HAD to work now staying home is an option but that could change in a second.

 

I take my role as housewife seriously and I enjoy this privilege of being able to keep the home clean and organized. Not everyone loves KonMari like me though.

[d0nnivain]

In contrast I'm a career woman who owns my own company. DH & I don't have kids. I could never be a housewife. I'd be bored but that doesn't mean it's not a noble thing to do.

 

A friend from college decided to stay home after they got married but before kids. A lot of people gave her grief. I asked a Q when I found out: "Who's choice was it for you to stay home?" She said hers & I wished her well. She said she was shocked because she thought of all people I'd be the most upset by her decision. I assured her that if she was happy I was happy but if she had even hinted that her husband was "making" her stay home I'd have a lot to say. They eventually had a special needs son who is non-verbal so she needed to be there. Several years ago she opened her own business & they have help with their son. At every stage they made decisions that are right for their family. That is really what a good marriage is about -- two people working together for the good of the whole.

[Els]

I believe that those who are happy and confident in their decisions do not need to judge others for taking different paths.

 

That is what I learned when I lost "friends" for becoming a housewife.

 

How the OP equates being financially dependent with servitude and reluctant sex is beyond me.

 

Having a career does not protect anyone from sexual difficulties.

 

 

Pretty much this. In fact, most of the highly strife-laden marriages I've known were among couples where BOTH people were working long hours. The stress and combined lack of time at home really adds up, and resentment can build very quickly. (Obviously, this is not to say that such marriages are inherently bad, just that they need to take extra steps to mitigate the stress/discordance IMO.)

 

 

I love my career, but I'm also happy with the work-life balance that I have now, and I don't feel the need to prioritize my career more or work longer hours just so I can earn the same amount as the SO does. I think that would actually be detrimental to our relationship and my life in general.

[georgia girl]

I agree with Elswyth and dOnnivan. About a year ago, I left my high-stress job and became a part-time consultant. Because I work in an industry where consultants are highly compensated, it wasn’t a financial hit for us. But I LOVE working part time and focusing more on my home and family. Even though it’s just the two of us, I love being able to keep our lives and house organized, make better meals and overall reduce the stress level for both of us at home. I still enjoy my career and get professional satisfaction, but I found that incredibly elusive “work-life balance” that I needed.

 

For my husband, me working less has benefited him as well. Yes, I mostly benefit but he told me recently that life is so much better these days. Things are just much more calm and comfortable.

 

Do I regret no longer being a CEO? Heck no! I had my time. I proved a lot about and to myself. But my life - and our life - has such a different perspective now. It is so very much better.

 

I think when you get married, you slowly start - and it is an evolution - blending your lives into one life. At that point, the needs of the family - with or without children - take precedence. No, one partner cannot dictate to the other about issues such as working and the relationship be wholly successful. But, as a partner in the relationship, I think your perspective changes on what you want and what you value. And as you value the life you are building more and more, you make changes to make that life the best that it can be. Each partner weighs in, compromises and gets benefits from these decisions. And the couple themselves have to decide what each partner needs to be fulfilled and empowered in the relationship. For some it’s staying totally home. For others, it’s working full-time. For me, it’s working part-time and my husband still working full-time. That’s what works for us. I have a personal pet peeve as a woman and as a feminist of women especially prescribing to each other what they should be doing in a relationship to make them feel fulfilled. If you want to work, do it. If you want to stay home, in my mind, you are no less a valuable resource to the family than if you worked.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's really only a concern if you want to quit work to focus on raising kids. I wouldn't do that unless married in a very solid, healthy, loving relationship.

 

Once the woman has kids and a certain amount of time in the marriage, the man is obligated to provide a certain level of support in case of divorce.

 

But even if I chose the stay-at-home mom route, I'd still invest a little time in keeping my marketable skills relevant, just in case things didn't work out.