How do you know if its worth pursuing LDR?

[lawin789]

I've been dating this guy for a month now. But I need to relocate for work (2200 miles away) next week. The guy is out of town now to visit his family.

We aren't actually in committed relationship but we saw each other almost every other day.

 

When I told him he said it's sad to see me go but there was nothing he could do. He wished that I could stay longer.

 

The thing is he mentioned when we just started dating that LDR never worked. (I was in LDR for 4 years before I met him and told him about it.) When I told him that I was leaving he said it'd be difference since I wouldn't be here but we could keep talking and see where it goes. And he wanted me to keep him updated on my schedule.

 

I just visited the new city for apartment hunting and got back today and told him that I'd be starting the new job before he comes back town. He left me on read....

 

I know LDR is hard and from my personal experience it's nerve racking.

Yes, I could meet new guys in the new city. I could just forget about him. But I rarely meet someone whom I feel connected to in deeper level. I don't know if this is worth pursuing tho because... the reality sucks.

 

I appreciate any opinions.

[OatsAndHall]

In my opinion, both people need to be fully committed to the LDR in order for it to work. Right now, it doesn't sound like he's going to commit to it. And, there needs to be a firm end-game in sight. In your case, it sounds like he needs to be considering moving to you at some point.

 

 

 

I was in an LDR for awhile and we talked about the situation thoroughly before I moved. She was going to move to my area (350 miles away) once she finished her schooling as I made it clear that I would be in this new job for a minimum of two years. But, as time progressed, she grew less and less comfortable with that move and we ended the relationship. So, an LDR is a gamble, for sure. You both might be on the same page initially but it can go south quickly.

[lawin789]

In my opinion, both people need to be fully committed to the LDR in order for it to work. Right now, it doesn't sound like he's going to commit to it. And, there needs to be a firm end-game in sight. In your case, it sounds like he needs to be considering moving to you at some point.

 

 

 

I was in an LDR for awhile and we talked about the situation thoroughly before I moved. She was going to move to my area (350 miles away) once she finished her schooling as I made it clear that I would be in this new job for a minimum of two years. But, as time progressed, she grew less and less comfortable with that move and we ended the relationship. So, an LDR is a gamble, for sure. You both might be on the same page initially but it can go south quickly.

 

 

How long did you date her before you moved?

[hippychick3]

I was in a very similar situation except it was my bf who left for the job, and it was 180 miles away (3 hour drive).

 

We were dating for a month and a half (exclusively and also intense) when he was offered the job. He left a month after that. I don't think either of us knew if we wanted to pursue long distance at that point when he was offered the job. Despite how intense the relationship was, it was still only 1 1/2 months of dating and too soon to commit to a long term relationship. It wasn't until he actually did move away and missed me that he realized that he wanted to commit to me and pursue long distance. I was only willing to do so if he drove to see me regularly and consistently. It was very important that he make just as much effort as me, if not more, in continuing the relationship (I visited him every other time by his request). If he had not, I would have moved on. We are now almost 5 years into our LDR, seeing each other almost every weekend. We will live in the same town and marry when my daughter graduates high school.

 

In your case, your bf NEEDS to want to engage in a LDR as much as you want to. And he also needs to visit you on a regular basis (no less frequently than you visiting him). I would not suggest continuing a LDR unless he initiates interest on his own. And, he may not actually know yet he wants to do this until you move away and he really misses you. Given his reaction so far, I suggest you focus on yourself and not push him in any way.

[d0nnivain]

LDRs are worth pursuing if you have a plan to relocate back together. This guy is not interested in trying to keep this together. They are very hard & he is not willing to put in the effort for somebody he has only known a month. It really is a timing/ effort thing.

 

Start off in your new place with a clean slate.

[lawin789]

Yeah I thought it was the end of it and told him the last time I saw him that this would be the last time I see you and tried to do the clean slate. But he was the one insisting on keeping the contacts and he kept initiating texting me and asking me about the moving plans after he got to his town.

 

So I'm just so confused with his reaction. I thought we wouldn't speak to each other once he left the town and end it as I leave.

 

He just sent me a crying face emoji... -_-

[glows]

It really depends on what he thinks, not us.

 

And what he thinks is a giant fat nothing because you got nothing back from him. Take it for what it is and live it up in the new city, enjoy your life and enjoy your new job. Put your heart and soul into it and leave this bag behind.

[d0nnivain]

Apparently he's a slow fade kind of guy. Had you continued to live nearby he was looking forward to seeing where this went. You are leaving & he'll miss you because he enjoyed the last month. Him reaching out is not necessarily indicative of a desire to keep this together. I suppose you could try but to what end?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Honestly I wouldn't bother. I dated a guy for a month before he went back home to another state. He wanted a relationship really bad, but started fading about 2 weeks after he left. You are much better finding someone local. Plus he doesn't sound very enthusiastic about a LDR.

[kendahke]

If you two had been together for, at the very minimum, 8+ months, then I'd say that trying to do LDR would be challenging, but if your self discipline is strong, it could be done.

 

But after only 1 month of talking to him? No, who you think you get along with so well is his "on his best behavior" representative---the real him, as you have begun to see, isn't interested in LDR's nor does he wish to exercise the requisite self discipline to see this through til one of the two of you moves back into the same city.

 

Him liking you enough to keep connected while he fades out is not the same as him wanting to be by himself because he's in an LDR with someone he barely knows. He doesn't want to live the relationship all in his head, which is reasonable.

 

Take this for what it was--a nice respite before you move to start the next phase of your life.

[Els]

If you are undecided on whether it's worth it, it probably isn't worth it for your relationship. LDRs are incredibly difficult even with two people who REALLY believe in it and want to make it work. It would be impossible if one party didn't believe that.

 

 

 

I was in an LDR for 2 years. We closed the distance and are still together now. Neither of us doubted that it would be worth it, but we still encountered a good amount of difficulty and stress due to the distance.