Any ideas?

[vix]

I've posted here over the last few months & i've had a confusing week so here goes.

 

Was with my ex for 4 years & i ended the relationship. After 14 months i realised i'd made a mistake & told him how i felt. Although reluctant at first, he came back & whilst things were great at the start, he walked away after 3 months (end of May). Alot of things have happened in the last 3 months - i was devastated & didn't understand, cried & chased for answers, etc. My ex has been having alot of problems & in the last month has said he's pretty much hit rock bottom.

 

Well, up until Monday we hadn't spoken on the phone, just kept in contact through text. I asked him to phone & we spoke for 3+hrs. Whilst there were tears in parts, the conversation was generally ok. However, i was left v confused because lots of things were said - he misses me, has doubted what he's done & will come back when he's sorted his head but at the same time, he doesn't feel smitten like he used to, i can't make him feel ok like i used to & he thinks he's made the right decision but will probably end up regretting it.

 

I needed to say what i thought so sent a text on Wednesday saying i've listened & want him to do the same, i know i can't change what's happened but i'd love the opportunity to try, i know feelings are still there after Monday's call, i want to be the one who makes him smile/everything ok again & i'd love an invite to see him & that whilst i know he wants to be on his own at the moment, i don't want him to dismiss the idea. I didn't want/expect a reply because i want him to think about what i said but it's the first time he hasn't responded in the last 3 months.

 

I guess what i'm asking is why do you think he hasn't replied? He doesn't know what to say? He thinks NC is the only way he can forget & move on? Any thoughts would be good - thanks

[upsetnhurt]

Vix,

 

At the very least, regardless of what he is thinking, you need to face reality that he is not of the same mindset as yourself in terms of where you both are in your life. I am sure he cares for you yet he is not willing to do the things that are required to make a commitment to you. You can pound your head in the wall all you want yet you can't change that and need to let him go. NC is the right solution so you both can get on with your lives. If it is meant to be it will be in the future yet rest assured he will have to be the one to come to you. Whether you feel the same as you do now is your responsibiltiy.

[smile95]

well how long has it been since you sent that?

[vix]

Thanks upsetnhurt & beth

 

Upsetnhurt

I've been pounding my head for the last 3 months & it's not been easy. I guess i sent that text as a form of closure because if he doesn't reply, i know where i stand. However, i do know that i've been honest, i've done everything i can & if he doesn't value that & chooses to block/ignore his feelings then there's nothing i can do. The ball's in his court, he knows where i am & that's where i've got to leave it with no more contact.

 

Beth

Its been 3 days & that's not like him as he usually replies with 5/10mins.

[upsetnhurt]

Vix,

 

I have been in your boat and for the past two months I have gone NC. It has been extremely tough yet I must say that I get stronger and stronger each day (mornings are the roughest for some reason!). Use this time to truly reflect on yourself and get your mindset healthy again so when you do meet the "great one" you will be emotionally available to enjoy it. I think about my ex every day yet by the end of the night I am comfortable with her decisions and realize that they were her issues that she needed to be deal with just as in your ex bf's case. Not everyone is meant to be together regardless of how kind they are and one must move on and live life to its fullest with or without them as it is way too short as it is. Best of luck Vix as I know it is easier said than done.

[smile95]

upset-I feel the same about mornings? Weird. I get everything so straight in my head and wake up confused and have to think about it again to settle myself down for the day. Do you think that there are cases where things do not work out in a relationship but the people still love each other and go their sep ways?

[upsetnhurt]

Beth,

 

I definitely would say that two people can still have love/care for each other yet still not be able to commit to one another, thus parting ways. It all comes down to where people are in life and what their current goals are. A person can say that they want to be married and have kids in the future with someone yet it all boils down to whether or not they are willing to do the things that are needed to achieve that commitment. In my case, my ex apparently was not willing to give up her freedom as a single woman to care for my needs as a bf. In your case Beth it seems like your ex bf was not willing to prioritize you amongst his work and ex family and thus could not provide you the care that you so much needed. We can't change their mindsets...all we can do is walk away and know that we did all we could. I, like you beth, have to convince myself of this every morning.....6am on the dot . I should add that Friday's are the worst too . I figure it means that I have sometime to go to completely heal and one day I will feel whole again. Stay strong Beth and Vix as you both have come a long way!

[vix]

Up to now i've not been v good at NC but know it's my only option now. You're both right - mornings are the worst. I go to bed at night feeling ok about things & then when i wake up, it's like i go back to square one & nothings changed. However, i'm alot better than i was & when the tears come now it's only for a few minutes rather than a few hrs & that's good in my book.

The thing i'm finding difficult is blaming myself for walking away the first time. Although right at the time, from what he's said, he can't forget what i did & that's played a part in his descisions to leave. I didn't leave for anyone else but he didn't understand & couldn't cope. The problem i've got now is that at Xmas (when i realised i'd made a mistake) I knew that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, & so long as i know feelings are still there, i can't move on properly. Maybe we're not meant to be together, maybe too much has happened - i don't know but there'll always be a bit of me hoping.

[smile95]

My Fridays are the hardest too! And it seems to boil over onto Sat AM. I am glad to know I am not the only one struggling. We DID do the right thing. I had a problem at first wondering"If we love each other, why can't it work and what did I do wrong" But you are right. It is all about where that person is at the time. My ex has already been married and had a child...I have not. I want that and he is in no hurry and seems to just want to work......I hope one day all of this sadness is worth it when I meet the right one. Stay strong everyone!

[upsetnhurt]

Vix,

 

Timing is everything here. If you don't let go and move on then the same problem that he is having in terms of resentment you will have as well for his inability to accept you as you are now. I know you feel strongly for him yet you need to presume that it is just not meant to be....

[smile95]

Vix-I still have hope too, but I cannot live for it-I have decided to move on and if he comes back and the timing is better, then it was meant to be. You should do the same. Things happen for a reason.

[vix]

I understand what you're saying, know i've got to move on & presume that it's not meant to be but it's not easy. I know i'll get there in the end, i'm doing alot better than i was but it's v slow. I wish he'd never come back, i wish that this had never happened & i wish i could forget/have a switch-off button but i don't.

[Rocko]

Not to raise your hope's vix but...

 

if it took you 6 months to realize and 14 months to act, it more than likely will be the same for him. You should definetly let go and move on for now. You can leave the door open, but you can't make him walk through it.

 

Take care, and best of luck.

[vix]

Thanks for that Rocko, i know it may take along time (if it happens at all) & that's the worst bit. It's been 3 months already & thats been long enough!!!! I'm doing better though & reckon that in another 3 months, i'll be back to my old happy self (fingers crossed).

 

The door's open (v wide at the moment) & whilst it may close slowly, i doubt that it'll ever be shut completely. I'd love to drag him through the door but i know i can't so if he comes back, he'll be doing it on his own.

 

I'm having a good day today, don't know why really but i'm not complaining. Hope a few of you are feeling the same.

[Rocko]

I find that most people [with this type of problem] are sad not because of the loss but because of the timescale in which these types of things work. Me, I'd gladly give up a short-term reconciliation for a long-term reconciliation in which both parties are emotionally stable and ready to commit.

 

Sometimes I think this is fate's way of teaching all of us patience.

[vix]

Rocko

 

I agree with you completely. If someone said he'll be back next week/month but without 100% commitment to making it work then i'd want to take the risk & give it a go. However, if someone said he'll be back in a year with 100% commitment, i'd wait til then.

 

Patience is knackers but we all need it!

[Rocko]

So why let yourself hurt for something you know won't possibly have a resolution for a long time?

 

I say stay positive, keep that communication line open (let him contact you), and relax with your friends.

 

This is where you and the ex will differ. He let himself wallow in the pain and pity. You will let yourself stay strong and positive.

 

Stay strong!

[vix]

You're right - we WILL differ. What you say makes alot of sense - i just hope you're following your own advice!

 

STRONG & POSITIVE...

STRONG & POSITIVE...

STRONG & POSITIVE...

 

I'll remember that Rocko - thanks

[queenie01]

Vix - I would have to agree with what everyone is saying here...especially Rocko. I think it takes at least 6 monhts for someone to really and truly realize what they had. Some might never realize but for the ones that due, i think they need the time away to sort thru their own issues..

I know for the longest time i beat myself up for my ex breaking up with me, i blamed myself for everything..when in reality i did nothing wrong and its all really issues he has within himself. It was hard for me to finally accept that tho...

I will always leave the door cracked open just a bit...never fully close it but I am moving on for my own good...

I am doing no contact unless he initiates it...

Like evryone says..if its meant to be then he will come back to me, if not i just have to believe he wasnt the one for me.

I will always know that i had an awesome relationship with him and know that whatever his reasons were for breaking up with me were valid in his head. I truly wish him well and hope for the best for him too.

 

I do know tho...that will never give up hoping for him to return, part of me really believes he will regret his decisions but at the same time i cant sit around and wait...its been 4 months now, time for me to let go and move on. I will hold on to about 1% for hope tho...

[Art_Critic]

I know for the longest time i beat myself up for my ex breaking up with me, i blamed myself for everything..when in reality i did nothing wrong

 

words to live by .. But realizing this is half the battle and it must make you feel great that you can finally express yourself this way ..

 

Way to go

[vix]

Hi everyone

 

I had a quiet weekend, thought alot & came to the same realisation as beth - that i haven't done anything wrong. It's not me with the issues, it's him. Other than what's happened with my ex, i've got a great life (family, friends & job) & i can't let this pull me down anymore. I'm letting go & moving on & finally believe that i can do it. If he wants to come looking then he knows where i am & if he doesn't, it's his loss & someone else's gain.

 

Thanks you lot - i've got my chin up & i'm smiling

[smile95]

Good JOb Vix-I am right there with you! Let's not let them get us down when we have so much going for us in other areas!

[Baz]

From my experience I would agree with Rocko when he says keep the communication lines open, but limited. I think this is a far more mature and adult way of dealing with rejction regardless of the pain it creates.

 

Behaving in a dignified way speaks volumes about how well balanced you are as an individual and that, during times of sadness and pain is a strength that some people find attractive.

[vix]

Hi Baz

 

I'll keep the communication lines open but i won't be initiating ANY contact. I don't need it anymore & i'm not going to let it happen. If he phones/texts/emails, i'll speak/reply but i don't have anything left to say.

 

Do i want to hear that he's missing me? - NO

Do i want to hear that he's doubting his decision? - NO

Do i want to hear that he'll come back when he's sorted his head? - NO

Do i want to listen to how unhappy he is? - NO

 

The only time i would is when/if he turns up on my doorstep, refuses to leave til i've listened & says he's made a mistake, is sorry & wants to make a commitment. I don't see it happening & i'm not going to sit around waiting for that day to come. I know what he's lost & that's enough for me. He hasn't got his 'Little Miss Sunshine' in his life anymore but i have & although she's been lost for a while, she's back on track & smiling again.

[Baz]

Just dont do or say anything that lets you down as a person. That will only lead to more prolonged pain. The pace with which you heal will be directly linked to how you conduct yourself going forwards. Bravado may prove to be flimsy during tougher times.