neb321 Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 First. I have to apologize if there are some mistake in my English. It’s not my native language, but I wanted to post a question here, because this forum looks like a popular one… Anyway, puzzled by a conversation I had today I thought that it might be a good idea to ask some questions to larger audience, so I can get more opinions… I’ve split with my ex some 2 years ago. No hard words, no fights. I realized there was a huge gap between us, that love disappeared. I initiate first conversation long before our final split. I’m not saying it was easy (because it was not), but after some time of talks it was over. We have a daughter from our marriage. Our key goal was to do everything in our power to make the transition as smooth as possible for our daughter. And I think we did it (I hope at least). Today I had a lunch with a female acquaintance (friend, love…I don’t even know how to call her). I know here for 10 years. My relationship with her is so complicated that I wont even bother to explain it here… and I don’t think it’s relevant to my question. So, for some reason a topic of alimentation and my relationship with my ex emerged. I decided to give alimentation much higher than what I would have to do by law. Roughly I give my ex almost 50 more than what she makes per month (and she is above average in my country) My philosophy was that a person who I’ve been with for 15 years and who was there for me, deserves more. On top of what I give for alimentation I participate in other expenses related to my daughter. I help my ex in some other ways as well… Today I was told that I am crazy and that my relationship with my ex is the main reason why this female acquittance of mine could never be with me. Not that we are trying…we figured out some time ago that it wouldn’t work. I said that what I do has nothing to do with feelings – it has to do with respect. I cannot act like we were never together. Also, I don’t think that it’s good for my daughter to travel with me to some fancy cities around the world and to do local trips with my ex-wife. Maybe it is a bad example, but I hope it illustrates my point. Furthermore, I said that I don’t care what the law says – I think that I can do more for my ex, and, therefore, I feel obligation to do so. But, I was told that she knows a lot of divorced man and that no one acts like that. Since my divorce I had few relationship, but nothing serious, so this topic was never properly covered. And I don’t want big debates with my friends. I know it might sound strange, but it’s easier to ask this question to complete strangers. I guess I can count on your objectivity. I guess I want to figure out how big my “insanity” is… What do you think a proper/good relationship with your ex should be? I’m very interested to hear it from woman here. My position on this made my life very complicated with this girl I had lunch with today. She says she loves me, but things like this makes here very jealous. I love her, and she knows it, but I said that I won’t to betray my beliefs not even for here. And I’m asking thins purely because I am curious. Thanks… Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Well, I just learned a new word . I actually had to Google "alimentation." You sound like an upstanding, noble man, and I don't think what you have decided to financially provide for your ex-wife and your child together is anyone's business but yours. Unless you have become destitute by doing so, I don't think you're insane. It's not typical, I agree, but you're doing it for the right reasons (i.e. your example of the vacations with your child). It doesn't sound like you're still emotionally attached to your ex-wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 This is the thing. If you want another relationship no other woman is going to want an X in the mix. You can probably have one or the other but not both. It is your choice Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 I think you sound like decent, good person. She is someone you had a life with and is the mother of your child. If you can afford to do that, and you feel it is the right thing to do, then, while unusual, I don’t see anything wrong with it. I think that if it negatively affects the lifestyle of a woman you want to be in a serious relationship with in the future, then you may need to reevaluate. But if you make so much that it has no bearing on your future, then you are doing a really good thing and it is something to be respected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neb321 Posted July 28, 2018 Author Share Posted July 28, 2018 Thanks a lot for comments. To answer some of your points/questions: - No, it doesn’t affect my lifestyle significantly, nor it would affect lifestyle of anyone who would be with me. I make much more than that. - I’m not trying to have both of them. My ex ix my ex. Besides for not loving her (and she doesn’t love me anymore) I know exactly why it wouldn’t work. So, why would I want to go there again? I’m not sure how to explain that (I could try, but I fear post would be too long)…She is the mother of my child and OK, we are not together anymore, but I still feel responsible to help her. The girl I love has problems with me taking care of my ex…She says she is your ex, give here what you are obligated to give and that is it. I guess my question is to girls who made comments her if that kind of behavior is something to be expected? Believe me, I gave here so much more that you can’t even compare it (and I’m not that simple to talk only about financial things). I even told her once that it should make her feel safe because when I say that I will take care of her no matter what until the day I day, I really mean it. Again, I’m not asking this because I want to make things right with the girl I love (I think our problems are much bigger than simple jealousy). If what I’m doing is so strange, then I must take extra effort to make the girl I’m with safe about how I feel and what she is for me and what my ex is for me. It’s just that I thought that what I’m doing is nothing strange and it shouldn’t be an issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 I don’t think it is anybody else’s business really. And I agree that if anything, it should make the new girl feel safe that you are generous and take care of people in your life. But I don’t how common it is or anything. I’ve never dated anybody that wealthy. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 If what I’m doing is so strange, then I must take extra effort to make the girl I’m with safe about how I feel and what she is for me and what my ex is for me. It’s just that I thought that what I’m doing is nothing strange and it shouldn’t be an issue. I had many, many, many fights with my ex (he's a bully) about child support and ended up agreeing to way LESS than what he's "obligated" to give me, simply in an attempt to get him to be a nicer person (it worked). What you're doing IS unusual, but it's very decent. I suggest in the future you just do not disclose this information to your new partners. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neb321 Posted July 28, 2018 Author Share Posted July 28, 2018 I also thought last week that it might be a good idea to hide this information. But, on the other hand, I don't want to lie about that. So, in the future I will just try to avoid that conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
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