I didn't know he was married

[ailyro]

The man who I fell in love with, brought into my family, and created a child with is married. He lied about every aspect of his life to live two separate lives; one with me and one with his wife. I don’t know the man I fell in love with and I allowed into my home. It hurts so bad. The physical and mental pain never stops. It was difficult for me to open my heart to another relationship because I have been hurt in the past. I had my guard up for 6 years, then I met a man who made me want a relationship again and made me want to be in love. I lowered those walls and let myself fall in love with him. It was easy to love him, I thought he was everything that I wanted. I was happier than I had been in a long time. The hurtful thing is that he knew why I had walls up in the first place and he asked me to trust him, then he hurt me in a way that was all too similar. Falling for betrayal is worse than a broken heart.

 

I am embarrassed.

 

I am humiliated.

 

I feel betrayed

 

I feel used.

 

I feel worthless.

 

I am heartbroken.

 

I am scared.

 

He has so effortlessly hurt me more than I have ever been hurt. I didn’t think it would ever be possible for someone to hurt me worse than my ex did. It feels like déjà vu with an evil twist, and that is partly my fault for allowing myself to be fooled twice. I thought that I had found a man who was going to treat me well and be a good step-father to my son. I met one of his children. We talked about the future. He talked about proposing and days before realizing he is married he wanted me to look at rings. He wanted to adopt my son when (not if) we married. I trusted him with my son and let him become a part of our lives. He was the first man who I thought truly wanted me for who I am and what I have to offer. He made me feel more loved than I have ever felt.

 

I still love him, and I hate that I love him. The man I fell for doesn’t exist. It feels like I am grieving a ghost. He told me countless lies and I have no idea what was true and what wasn’t. I know that he never loved me, nor did he want a future with me. All I was to him was a side piece. Someone dumb enough to believe his lies. I thought he was going to be the one. I thought he loved me. He made me believe in love again, and it was all a lie. After catching him in his lies and ending the relationship, he has said himself that I and my baby are worthless to him. I am alone, lost and I don’t know what the future holds for me. I can’t believe I was so stupid to believe in him and to think someone like him would want me. I had nothing to offer him, and as it turns out all he wanted was to be between my legs when convenient for him.

 

The betrayal is like nothing I have ever felt before, and that is saying a lot. The heartbreak and embarrassment I know all too well, and it takes me back to a time that I’d rather forget. 6 years ago I had a son with my ex. This was a child that we had longed for and desperately wanted. When I saw two lines on a pregnancy test I couldn’t wait to tell him. After trying for months to get pregnant, the first words out of his mouth were is it mine. Followed by, I’ve changed my mind, I don’t want this, you should have an abortion. We stayed together until I was 18 weeks pregnant. During that time he wanted nothing to do with me or the pregnancy. He was mean and miserable all the time. Everything was somehow my fault. He wouldn’t spend any time with me. He wouldn’t attend any appointments. On the day of my anatomy scan he didn’t show up and, instead he texted me we’re over I’m moving out during the appointment. He told me pregnant women were gross. He wouldn’t put his hand on my bump because it was disgusting. He cheated on me with at least two women because he felt trapped. He told his family and friends that I cheated first and was pregnant by another man and demanded a DNA test. He told me no one else would ever want me. Our son is 5 years old and he has met him twice, totalling less than one hour of our son’s life. He treated me terribly, cheated on me while I was pregnant, abandoned me and our son, and now is happily married and has another child. Recently I looked him up. He and his wife had a baby this year. He had a post on of him holding his baby and said the best day of my life. The birth of his second child was the best day of his life… My heart breaks for my son. I feel guilty that this is the man I chose to father my son and that I couldn’t see who he was. I failed him.

 

Then I went and repeated the same situation, differently yet the same and somehow worse.

 

I met a man who checked all of the boxes. I wasn’t looking for a relationship but there was something about him that I wanted to know better. I had never been so attracted to someone, nor connected so well to someone. We took our time dating and getting to know each other before deciding to be in a committed relationship. He was always patient and understanding about moving slowly, in fact he encouraged it. At the time I thought he was my boyfriend, but now I know better. I wasn’t his girlfriend, I was his mistress. He was in a 20 year marriage and I was a convenient side piece.

 

I found out I was pregnant shortly before finding out he is married. This pregnancy was unplanned, but not unexpected. We went on a trip together and I forgot a bag at home, which included my birth control pills. I told him that I didn’t have the pills and we had agreed to use condoms during that time. He took the condom off during sex and I didn’t realize until it was over. He said don’t worry about it… if it’s meant to be…. A couple weeks later I started cramping and told him I thought my period was coming, but my period didn’t come. I kept the pregnancy to myself for a while because I needed time to process it on my own first. I naively thought that his reaction would be different than my ex’s reaction. I planned a special way to tell him and I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to be everything that I had wanted the first time around with my ex. I wanted him to be happy and excited. I wanted him to enjoy the pregnancy with me. Before telling him that I was pregnant I caught him in a lie and learned that he is married. When I was able to tell him that I am pregnant his reaction was all too familiar. I am pregnant by a married man…

 

I am back to being single and pregnant, but for a second time. I am back to having no support. I am repeating my own history. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry. On most days, not an hour goes by that I don’t cry. The worst part about this is that I still love him. Every day he told me that he loved me, then went home to another woman. That feels far worse than two one night stands committed by my ex.

 

I was a mistress. I believed hundreds of lies. I took time, energy and love from another woman and children. I simultaneously was cheated on and helped a man cheat. It doesn’t matter that I was unaware, I still feel terrible that I didn’t know there was another woman in his life. I feel terrible that the way I feel must be nothing compared to what another woman is going through.

 

The heartbreak, betrayal and embarrassment that I feel must be nothing in comparison to what his wife is going through. I was with him for months, while she was with him for decades. They already have children together and he has already married her and said his vows. I wouldn’t wish the pain that I am going through on my worst enemy, to think that there is a woman who is going through the same or worse is sickening. My part in her pain was played unknowingly but that doesn’t stop me from feeling pain for her, even though I hate the version of her I have seen. She has been nothing but horrible to me and I have become her punching bag. I attribute that to the pain she is going through. If I had someone to lash out on maybe I would to. Then there is the irrational jealousy that they are still together and that she was another woman he was with. He was cheating with me, but to me it feels like he was cheating with her.

 

It makes me wonder. The women whom my ex had one night stands with, did they know about me? Is this how they felt? These women who are so evil in my mind, could they have felt as crappy as I do now? Or are they as I envision and they, like my ex, just don’t care? Does his wife hurt the same way for me that I do for her? If she does, it sure doesn’t show. Are her poor babies hurting the same way that my son is? What has she told people about me? What has HE told people about me? Why do I care?

 

I can’t stop comparing myself to his wife. It takes me back to when my ex had one night stands. he would rather sleep with anyone than be faithful to me. He wasn’t picky and neither of the women meant anything to him. He threw our relationship away for the first thing to come along. They must have been more attractive than I was, at least they weren’t pregnant so that was a huge point on their side. Were they better in bed? Why did he have to do it more than once? Once wasn’t enough? Once didn’t make him feel bad enough to never do it again? With the wife, I can’t stop wondering. Does she make him happier than I did? Is the sex better with her? Do I suck in the bedroom? Why didn’t he choose me (I hate that one)? What does she have that I don’t? Was sex the ONLY value that I had to him? That’s it? For one man I wasn’t good enough sexually, and for another that was my only worth. Why didn’t he respect me enough not to hurt me? He thought I didn’t deserve a real relationship with an honest, single man? How could he put his wants above everyone else’s, regardless of the pain caused? How do I see this man for the rest of my life, and his wife, feeling like this. How do I stop being jealous that he chose his wife? Of course he chose her, she was always going to be his choice. I was the side piece, not her. Why was he so good to her, he must be great if his wife is staying with him. How did I not know that another woman was in his life?

 

I have never felt such conflicting emotions towards two people before. His wife: I hate her and I feel sorry for her; I want to be in her place, and I never want to be in her shoes. Him: I love him, and I hate him. I want him to be there for my baby, and I don’t trust him to be a good father.

 

I don’t want to go through another pregnancy alone. My first pregnancy was terrible and full of complications. I was hospitalized for 10 weeks. My labor lasted 4 days and after pushing for 4 hours I needed an emergency c-section. I was put under so I didn’t get to see my son be born. His father wasn’t there so when he was born no one was there for him. I didn’t get to even see him for 17 hours. I didn’t get to hold him until he was 3 days old. I struggled with nursing because I wasn’t unable to nurse him until he was 3 days old and he had an undiagnosed lip and tongue tie. I developed an infection in my incision and had to have it opened back up. I was on bedrest for 4 months with a newborn baby and no help. I don’t want to do it again. My ex didn’t care when I told him what was going on at the time. I don’t think this one will care either if things take the same turn. My doctor doesn’t want me to VBAC so I will at the very least be having another c-section. It should go better being a planned c-section rather than emergency, at least.

 

It’s ironic. Throughout our whole relationship I was being careful. I wanted to protect myself and my son from being hurt by another man. In doing that, I missed red flags that maybe I would have noticed. Has I been LESS careful, I might not be here.

 

I don’t have a choice, I am alone in this journey. The only difference in my situations is that he jumped from wanting me to abort my worthless baby to claiming that he wants to be involved. I don’t know how long that will last but it’s possible he will want to be active in my babies life. I want that because it is better for the child to have both parents, but I don’t know how I will cope with seeing him and his wife for the rest of my life. I don’t want to spend my life in court fighting over custody. I want a whole family, not one broken in two different directions.

 

I’m 0 for 2. I never want to date again. I’m done. I will never be able to trust another man, and clearly I suck at picking men. I never saw this coming. I feel more worthless than trash. All the pain that I have spent years trying to heal has been brought back up like it was yesterday, with the added bonus of it being doubled.

[stillafool]

When did you find out he was married?

[FMW]

I'm sorry for your awful situation.

 

How long ago did the relationship start? How did you find out he was married? What did he say when you confronted him?

 

I'm very curious, I know, but if you think it would help to "talk" about it further here I'm sure others would like to know as well.

[anika99]

I'm so sorry. You have had the misfortune of being involved with two horrific men. It is not your fault that both these guys turned out to be truly disgusting human beings so stop blaming yourself. How did you find out he was married?

 

I know you are horrified to discover that you are having another baby fathered by a man who is rejecting both you and the baby. I understand that its extremely painful but don't let this affect your whole life. I know you have to grieve and process the betrayal but once that happens you can still have a happy life with your children. I raised two children without a dad and we were still happy.

 

Oh and both my pregnancies were very similar to yours. Both born by c section. First baby was premature and breech. I was put under and I couldn't breastfeed that baby. Stayed awake for 2nd c section. Incision got infected and kept opening itself up because the pus had to drain. I was in agony for months and I was alone with both my baby and my toddler. It was really hard but we got through it and I don't regret it.

Edited July 28, 2018 by anika99

[darkbloom]

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

 

I find it curious that you did not post any of the red flags that were happening in your current reaironship or the relationship with your ex. You’ve romanticized both and told us that they were these great relationships until these guys just flipped the script. There is ALWAYS red flags that are ignored to get involved in situations like this. I think you need to identify these red flags to avoid this happening in the future.

 

Secondly, it’s 2018 and there is no such thing as an unexpected pregnancy. Biology happens if you have sex without a condom and I find anyone saying “if it’s meant to be it will be” downright irresponsible. A child is not something to take lightly or on a whim.

 

Have you sought out counseling to help you identify these isssues?

[CloudyHead]

MM is a sociopath. Educate yourself about sociopaths. The person you fell in love with does not exist.

 

At this point, you need to forgive yourself and move forward. Spend time reflecting on why you chose the two men in your lives. Learn to recognize "red flags" and other signs so that you do not allow these type of men into your life. I do not know how old you are but I assume you are fairly young. You have much life ahead of you. After spending time educating yourself and reflecting on the reasons you became involved with these men, concentrate on fixing yourself and blocking these personality types from your life.

[alsudduth]

I'm pretty sure I read his side on another forum....I'm sorry he fooled you. And if it's the same story - his wife WAS awful to you. You are innocent in this whole thing. I hope good things for your future.

[sandylee1]

His wife must think you knew he was married if she's being nasty to you.

 

I don't know how you can love this horrible cheat. Lying and messing with your sons life too. He's a lowlife and a sorry excuse for a man.

 

Did you never go to his house?

Did you meet any if his friends or family?

Did you go out in public with him?

Could you call him when you wanted to?

 

He may not want to know the baby but he has a legal financial obligation to pay maintenance.

 

Regarding your EX, I bet he's told his wife you won't let him see his son...assuming she knows he exists. Is he paying child support?

 

These men have been terrible...sorry you've suffered this way.