Matonplayer Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 (edited) Hi, first time poster here looking for advice. My wife and I have been married for 30 years. Over the past few years, my wife and I seem to have fewer and fewer things in common. I'll try to give some examples. We live in a very nice two story house, which is good because other than eating and sleeping we don't do anything together when were at home - I stay downstairs, she stays upstairs. We have a small library upstairs with one comfy chair where she spends the majority of her time. Downstairs is a nice comfy couch, tv, etc and on multiple occasions I've tried to suggest to her that in the evening on occasion we watch a movie, a new Netflix series, etc. She's not interested. We play golf, but not together. She plays with her friends and I play with mine but she does not want to play with me. She really hurt my feelings recently when I had some severe acute nerve pain issues in my foot - I was lying on the bed screaming in pain and her response was to put on makeup in the adjoining bathroom to get ready to go out with friends. She has a really annoying habit of falling asleep on the couch -every- night and not coming to bed until 4am. The only exception is when we have sex. Sex is ok but is pretty routine and I have to ask every single time. It's not all bad, though. We like dining out, going to hear live music, going on vacations, etc. We're in sync when it comes to finances, which is huge. But at home I feel like we're roommates that have sex on occasion as opposed to a loving couple. Whenever I talk to her about these issues she says she'll try to do better but nothing ever changes. I find myself looking on Zillow at houses in other parts of the country and looking at profiles of women on Match, even though I would never have an affair. My fear is that in another ten years (I'm 57) I'm going to regret not making a change when I was younger. Suggestions? Edited July 28, 2018 by Matonplayer Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 29, 2018 Share Posted July 29, 2018 Hi, first time poster here looking for advice. My wife and I have been married for 30 years. Over the past few years, my wife and I seem to have fewer and fewer things in common. I'll try to give some examples. We live in a very nice two story house, which is good because other than eating and sleeping we don't do anything together when were at home - I stay downstairs, she stays upstairs. We have a small library upstairs with one comfy chair where she spends the majority of her time. Downstairs is a nice comfy couch, tv, etc and on multiple occasions I've tried to suggest to her that in the evening on occasion we watch a movie, a new Netflix series, etc. She's not interested. Why isn't there as much need for you to go upstairs and join her as there is for her to come downstairs and join you? I'd guess there are issues you haven't told us about, maybe even some (on her part) you're not really aware of. Marriage counseling would help you make a more informed decision about the future... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matonplayer Posted July 29, 2018 Author Share Posted July 29, 2018 Why isn't there as much need for you to go upstairs and join her as there is for her to come downstairs and join you? I'd guess there are issues you haven't told us about, maybe even some (on her part) you're not really aware of. Marriage counseling would help you make a more informed decision about the future... Mr. Lucky Because she spends all her time in our small library where there's really only room for one. Can't exactly join her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 29, 2018 Share Posted July 29, 2018 Because she spends all her time in our small library where there's really only room for one. Can't exactly join her. Unless it's the size of an airplane bathroom, not sure I believe you. Perhaps a bigger chair? I was speaking somewhat symbolically. Like many spouses in troubled marriages, you seem firmly planted in your half. The challenge before both of you is figuring out how to do more and expect less... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Striver Posted July 30, 2018 Share Posted July 30, 2018 I don't think there's any issue that your wife is denying you emotional intimacy. She is falling asleep elsewhere for a reason. You should try to find out why. It may or may not be fixable. But you need to find out. I see much commentary in your initial post as to what she is denying you, what you don't like. I don't see you offering her any reason to change. There's no incentive for her to change, because she is doing what she is doing for a reason, and you aren't fixing that problem, whatever it is. So changing would make life worse for her. So she doesn't want to do it. Ask her what's wrong, what is missing. Like I said, maybe you can fix it, maybe you can't. You know, we know, what you don't have. That's not enough. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 30, 2018 Share Posted July 30, 2018 Talk to her? Tell her you miss her and want to make your marriage work. Take it from there 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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