how to increase my personal self-confidence?

[fiskadoro]

Hello,

 

I am in my mid 40s, and recently have had something of an epiphany. I'd always known that I needed to in general feel better about myself, but I had not realized how much (what I guess is) a lack of solid self-esteem was limiting me.

 

I find myself being "entertaining" to a degree I dislike sometimes, which is something my dad did when I was growing up. I abhorred it when he did it - I felt it was silly and demeaning - but I have definitely picked up this habit. I say yes to situations/requests that I find distasteful, and I am a pleaser - I am regarded as pleasant and helpful person, and I like to be pleasant and helpful, but I also feel like a pushover at times as well.

 

Dating is another area of concern for me. I have a pretty good job and lifestyle, and I am fortunate to be able to meet good women often enough. I find my relationships with women take a familiar arc - at first they seem thrilled to meet me/be with me, but I end up being kind of an eager guy. I don't mean in a physical way, and not just with women I date. I will offer some anecdotes to kind of illustrate what I am talking about:

 

*I went out with K, and at the beginning of the date she said "let me pay tonight, you always pay". But when the bill came I ended up quickly picking it up and paying anyway. I have no romantic interest in K, but she is beautiful and I feel somehow lucky that such a gorgeous woman wants to hang around with me.

 

*S and I were chatting and eating ice cream and she said to me "make more eye contact with me, look at me!" I was having trouble maintaining eye contact with her, I kept casting my eyes downward instead of meeting her gaze. I felt uncomfortable making steady eye contact.

 

*Two women (in separate incidents) came to my home late after we'd been out drinking and having a good time. Both of them made excuses to walk into my bedroom while I was in already in there, and I didn't make a move or even try to kiss them. One of them stood really close to me, and the other sat on the bed. It later fizzled out with both of them, maybe they thought I was not interested?

 

I see this in other areas of my life too. My low self-esteem has translated into a good deal of career success - I work hard to make myself the best because I start out feeling that I am not worthy. I am a good listener because I feel that my things are not worth talking about (though they are of course). I even have had women ask me to talk about myself more, instead of my just being such a patient and probing listener. I have a lot of "friends" because I put up with some people I actually find gross or disagreeable just because I like the attention?

 

I would like to take steps to combat this. I have a nice break from work for the next several weeks, and I always take time in the morning to contemplate my work and life, so this time could be time for me to reflect and change my behavior. I am tired tired tired tired of letting good dating opportunities slip and away, and I am bone-deep weary of making these end of the day evaluations of what happened during my day and thinking i was weak and didn't stand my ground/demand respect in some area because of self-doubts.

[Romantic_Antics]

Let's take a little trip back in time to when I could make a solid case for being the most confident man alive. I'll tell you how I got to that point and see if it helps you out.

 

When I was younger I encountered a tremendous amount of adversity. I had Grave's Disease (an anomaly for a teenage male), my high school girlfriend was raped and murdered, I almost died from an infected pylonidal cyst, I developed an incurable sleep disorder that I've been battling for the past 25 years, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. As I overcame each of those things, and always through constructive outlets (I got into bodybuilding, I started writing poetry, and I took on a new sport), I began to feel like I could overcome anything life threw at me. I developed self-confidence.

 

As time went on I became so confident that, at times, I could even be cocky - but playfully so, in a way that was never condescending to anybody and was always good natured. My guy friends enjoyed it and the ladies ate it up. I could date anyone I wanted to and accomplish anything I set my mind on. How did I get to that point?

 

I was proud of myself, proud of what I'd overcome, proud of all my accomplishments, and I felt uniquely equipped to overcome anything and do anything I wanted.

 

That is a template for developing more confidence in yourself. You're alive and well and in your 40s with a good career and lifestyle so you must have done a lot of things right to get here. Make a list of all your accomplishments and all of the things you've overcome to get to where you are today. Include the little things too and you will end up with a very long list. Be proud of all those things. Pat yourself on the back. Love yourself. You could've failed with all of those things, but you didn't. You didn't because you are you and you are awesome. There is no one else on this planet that is exactly like you. You are unique. Embrace it. Every time you think you can't do something, tell yourself you can. Tell yourself you will.

 

Building self confidence is a process. It's not going to happen over night, but it *will* happen and it all starts with adopting a more positive attitude. Think about the type of guy you want to be and be it. Live it. Fake it for awhile if you have to until it becomes habit forming. Stop being a pushover and develop self-respect. Tell yourself you're better than that and that you roll over for no one. When doubts creep in, reject them. Stop thinking about them. They aren't a part of the new you that you're building. If you start over-thinking, push that out of your head too. It's not you. You're better than that. Think less, act more. Those Nike guys were on to something: Just Do It. Be present in the moment, not up in your head.

 

Think about all of this and develop a daily mantra to reinforce how awesome you are and that you can do anything. You have a good career and a good lifestyle so you owe yourself the confidence that should go along with it. It's more than a lot of other guys will ever have. How did you get to this point? Because you're awesome and you can do anything. Remember it, reinforce it, and pull a 180 on all bad habits and negative thoughts.

 

I hope this helps you. Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

Two women (in separate incidents) came to my home late after we'd been out drinking and having a good time. Both of them made excuses to walk into my bedroom while I was in already in there, and I didn't make a move or even try to kiss them. One of them stood really close to me, and the other sat on the bed. It later fizzled out with both of them, maybe they thought I was not interested?

 

Thought you were't interested? I wonder where they got that idea ?

 

You seem to see self-confidence as a form of validation granted by other people, as a result you're stuck judging their reactions.

 

Self-confidence comes from how you feel about yourself. Am I a good person? Do I try and do good things? Do I treat others fairly? Does my life have purpose and meaning?

 

In other words, in search of the right answer, you're asking the wrong questions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fiskadoro]

Thank you both for those replies, each quite helpful and instructive in it's own way.

[shydad]

Wow, what a great post, and great replies! I relate to most of what you've said, fiskadoro. I'm also in my 40s, successful in every measurable way except socially (including a relationship), and also have confidence issues. I also can get over eager, and also have trouble knowing what to do. I wish I had a friend like you so we could tackle these challenges together.

 

Great motivational ideas, Romantic_Antics. I did prepare a quick list. Ten things came to mind but they are pretty great accomplishments. I feel better than how I felt a few minutes ago.

 

Mr. Lucky, also great information and insight.

 

I don't have much to contribute here other than appreciation. However, I had ordered a new pair of glasses which came in last week. They are super trendy, a little colorful, and totally NOT me...and I love them! One coworker said I look younger. Another was blown away and said this is not something I'd normally wear. I feel like a different person...a trendy person people could respect, want to talk to, and maybe even more interesting to women.

 

Something as small as this has boosted my confidence in a huge way. I'm so excited by having a new image, that I am going to let my love coach help me shop for a new outfit. I'm planning to buy and wear whatever she chooses, and I have a feeling it will be a bit wild.

 

So that's my contribution to this posting. Changing up your style could boost confidence in a big way.