Help Me Get Back to Reality or is this True Love and is the Reality?

[athena3963]

I’m so confused and really need some advice.

 

I worked with a man for seven years and he left the company around six months ago. He was a part owner of the company but due to irreconcilable differences with the other owners, he felt it was best for his sanity and dignity to leave.

 

We are both married. He is a decent guy and one of his most admirable qualities has always been that he is ethical and lives by a strict code of “rules.” I feel terrible because I truly fell in love with him. I love this man deeply on a level that I just can’t comprehend or put into words. I admire him, recognize his strengths and weaknesses. There is just something (so many things) about him that I love.

 

We worked together as a team in good times and bad. I don’t believe my love for him is a crush because a crush would have waned after a short period of time. We spent almost every day together for seven years. I don’t think a crush could last for seven years. Or, could it????

 

I’ve never felt like this before with anyone in my entire life. I’m not a kid. I’m in my forties.

 

We have never had physical contact but the chemistry between us throughout the seven years is obvious and powerful. I believe although everyone in the company is confident that we have not had an affair, if you would take them aside they would say that to be in the same room with us, they couldn’t help but notice the pure affection that beamed out of our eyes when we looked at each other. Strangely, I don’t think anyone found it upsetting or offensive because they knew we never acted on it and went to the next level.

 

Although both of us have spouses that have grappled with serious mental illnesses and addictions that cause most people to call it quits. I think we are both the type that believe “till death do us part.” I’m not judging other people that do call it quits. It’s just a characteristic that we both share. Maybe other people are being kinder when they do fall in love with someone else or if not fall in love, lean on someone else during difficult times to be honest and respectful of their spouses by calling it quits. I really don’t know the answer.

 

Also, I would like to apologize if I end up rambling. I just have so much inside me and no one to share it with. There is no place for me to go and express all of the feelings bottled up inside me and appreciate the opportunity to have an avenue to share those feelings and seek advice.

 

Basically, this is the dilemma I’m grappling with. After he left, he cut all communications and ties with the company. With the exception of me, he did not respond to any emails from others and with a few minor exchanges to finish up business, he does not communicate with anyone. However, he communicates me via email on an almost daily basis. His old email is still active and I forward him messages from an organization that he belongs to. He receives emails from them at least three or four times a week. I asked him, “Do you read these emails? If not, I can quit sending them.” Basically, it was my coded way of asking, “Do you want me to leave you alone?” He didn’t respond to the message. I also realize that he could easily contact them and give them his new address but he has not.

 

Which bring me to. … why not? When I send him the emails, I tell him about my life, frustrations, what’s going on, trivial things, how much I miss and admire him, sometimes kid around and flirt, etc. He almost always responds. Maybe with a sentence, a joke, a reassurance and sometimes a paragraph. Besides one lunch, we haven’t seen each other in person.

 

I haven’t been able to stop emailing him. I realize I am trying to hold on to him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and no one will probably believe me but I really do hope the best for both of them. But, the truth of the matter is, she is ill and very dependent upon him. He loves her even though he’s had to carry a heavy load. But, I think he has deep feelings for me and sometimes the love I have for him gives him the strength to carry on and deal with her illness and their lives together. I also will not leave my husband. But, I have to confess that I have a fantasy deep inside me that maybe when we are both old and widows perhaps we will have the opportunity to be together.

 

Sometimes I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and wonder if he would like me to cease communicating with him. Based on what, I don’t know. Sometimes I’ll send a message and he won’t send back a quick reply. I always write something when I forward him a message.

 

This week I decided (after not receiving any responses and the sick feeling growing deeper) to forward him his messages and not insert any type of message from me. When I did that, he quickly wrote back a one line message about being busy and working on a special project. He asked me to wish him good luck with the presentation next week.

 

My question is for all of you guys. Does he want me to go away? Could it be that I’ve built an entire fantasy out of nothing? Could it be he just continues to communicate with me out of some type of feeling of duty and appreciation for all that I’ve helped him with in the past and the kindest thing I could do if I truly love him is to maintain my dignity and just quit stalking him via email. I hate to use the word stalk between two friends but if one is ready to walk away and the other isn’t it, I don’t know what word to use. I feel he loves me in some way but is his love anything like mine. I love him madly, deeply and truly. Am I just someone that he appreciates and respects but doesn’t share the same love or he would have found some other way to express it without it always being in some coded or communicated in some type of puzzle? Although he has written several nice things about me, he has never said he loved me. Although one time he did come out of his office and sang “if loving you is right, I don’t wanna right” to one of male clerk’s standing next to me. He was laughing when he sang it.

 

Anyway guys. Do you think he loves me or not? Or, do you think he wants to move on but I’m not allowing him to? I don’t mind receiving any harsh responses. I want to deal with the reality. I can’t but feel like the Titanic and he’s the Leonardo DiCapprio character sinking in the water when he began to drown and Kate Winslet reaching out for him. But, maybe in true life I’m clinging and he’s Leonardo DiCapprio swimming away and I’m refusing to accept the reality of it.

[elijahBailey]

I don’t think a crush could last for seven years. Or, could it????

Yes I could, and mine's way past the seven-year mark. I empathize with you and you won't be gettin' any harsh words here.

 

I’ve never felt like this before with anyone in my entire life. I’m not a kid. I’m in my forties.

Does age figure in crushes? I surely think not. It doesn't matter how old you are, most of us are prone to gettin' crushes, and the feeling is always the same.... that "I've never felt like this.....my entire life"

 

Although both of us have spouses that have grappled with serious mental illnesses and addictions that cause most people to call it quits. I think we are both the type that believe “till death do us part.

I admire you for your resolve and I hope you're resolute about sticking to that motto.

 

I don’t want him to leave his wife and no one will probably believe me but I really do hope the best for both of them.

:

I also will not leave my husband..[/

But I do believe you

 

But, the truth of the matter is, she is ill and very dependent upon him. He loves her even though he’s had to carry a heavy load.

And I admire him for that, too. And I hope he doesn't snap. If there are more folks like that, the divorce numbers wouldn't be half as bad.

 

But, I have to confess that I have a fantasy deep inside me that maybe when we are both old and widows perhaps we will have the opportunity to be together..

Don't we all have fantasies. I think it's natural, too. Just let them be. Nothing more.

 

I haven’t been able to stop emailing him. I realize I am trying to hold on to him.

:

Do you think he loves me or not? Or, do you think he wants to move on but I’m not allowing him to?.

 

Here's the gist of what I wanna say....

I don't think you're a home-wrecker; neither do I think you're a cheater. I think you just need to hear it from him that you have a place in his heart. But you gotta understand that you're walking perilously close to emotional infidelity if you're not there already. And it does sound like it's bordering on obsession. You do spend a lot of time thinking about him. YES, I do think he has feelings for you, but, at the same time, I don't think he wants to walk away from his marriage.

 

And, yes, I think he wants to move on and you're trying to hold on to him. Like I said, maybe you just wanna hear it from him that your feelings are requited? You gotta be brutally honest with yourself.... are you wasting your precious time thinking about him when you could be rebuilding your marriage? I believe your husband would be devastated if he were to find out how you feel, and so would his wife.

 

Now that he's no longer working together with you, you do need to get a grip of the situation and stop making anymore contacts with him. That, contrary to what you might be feeling now, is really your ticket to freedom. Stop tormenting yourself and don't short-change yourself no more, girl. Good luck.

[athena3963]

Thank you for your kind words and advice. Although I have to admit that a few tear drops fell because I know you are so right. I just don't know how to go about letting him go. If all of a sudden I stop forwarding his messages, I'm afraid that it will hurt his feelings and he will wonder why. He's very intelligent but I'm afraid he will walk away wondering why. He's a man with a lot of walls and frankly, I'm one of the few people in his life that he probably has installed a door for. In some strange way, I'm probably one of his only true friends because he is somewhat of a loner and has spent most of his life caring for his wife.

 

Having said that, I also feel that you hit it right on the nail when you said I want to know if his feelings were requited. It sounds so crazy but as I go away it be so comforting for me to know that he loved me too. That all of my love and feelings were not wasted and created by some crazy woman. I think that's why I continue to hold on. For some type of validation.

 

Although we will never be together I wish I could tell him that for me, just knowing him has brought something to my life that I thought I would never find and just being around him for the short time we were together was enough for me to carry me to my grave. I experienced something so powerful that I feel so blessed to have experienced a joy that most people search for their entire lives and never find. I found it. Now, whether it was returned I'll probably never know or worse, I know that it wasn't. My feelings for him are echoed in a line I will borrow from the the movie The Last Samurai:

 

Katsumoto: "The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life. "

 

Do you think when I forward him his messages this week (I will be saving them for a couple of days since he will be unavailable) that I should once again ask, "Do you still want these emails? I don't want to drive you crazy with these if you really don't need them." And, if he says he doesn't need them, I will cease all communications. Or, do you have any other type of suggestion as to how I can word it?

 

I can't just stop all of a sudden. I feel like I need some type of closure. It would be so out of character for me to all of a sudden cease sending them and I really worry how he make take it. I know I need to stop but I need to find a way in which I can live with. I hate to give up my friend but I can't deny that although I consider him a dear friend, the depths of my love for him is not on a friend level. I'm being dishonest claiming to be his friend when really I am his friend but I'm madly in love with him.

 

As far as my husband, I could write a book on that. I am trying to rebuild our marriage. I just wish that I had the same feelings for him (or ever had the same feelings.) I love him but it's on a different level and intensity. I just simply never experienced (or expected) to develop the feelings I have for my old friend.

 

Elijah, thanks again. If you are not already with someone, someone will be very lucky one day.

[athena3963]

As I begin to try bring closure to this relationship, I was wondering if you would think as a guy that it would be weird getting a photo from the person. His birthday is coming up and I had planned on sending him a card, a couple of small gifts he would think are funny and my picture. A friend of mine took a great photo of me when we went on vacation a few months ago. I don't mean to sound vain, but I'm fairly attractive when I take a shower and throw on some make up and clean clothes. ha! But, seriously, I would like him to have something to stick in his drawer at work to remember me by. I'll probably throw in some other photos from other coworkers that were taken when he was there as mementos. This will sound weird but when my friend took the photo I thought I want this to be a good picture and capture the look I used to give my friend so I put him in my mind. I actually thought, this is my goodbye but I love you picture. It beams and pores right out my eyes and could be on the cover of some magazine.

 

One of the things that I didn't mention in my previous post is that my husband has gotten a job outside of the country. I will be joining him some time in the next year. We could be gone for years. I really want to give him something to remember me by, I have one of him. Would it seem really egotistical of me if I sent him the photo? I don't know if people ever do that.

[elijahBailey]

Elijah...are you real or some type of angel God sent down to reply to my message?

I'm not THAT Elijah, of course .... and, the last time I checked, I had a pulse. So, sorry to disappoint you....

 

If all of a sudden I stop forwarding his messages, I'm afraid that it will hurt his feelings and he will wonder why. He's very intelligent but I'm afraid he will walk away wondering why.

Athena, the stakes are pretty high here. You're talkin' about your marriage. You need to come back to reality and understand that your husband is your priority and not the other guy. Sure, he's gonna feel awkward. And.... you know.... I don't think he's so dumb that he doesn't know what's going on.

 

I experienced something so powerful that I feel so blessed to have experienced a joy that most people search for their entire lives and never find. I found it.

No, girl, you didn't find nothing. All that happened was that you're in the middle of a massive crush. I understand the feeling is overwhelming to the extent that you feel nothing really matters no more. And I'll tell you why the feeling is so strong. It's just because you can't have him. The crush now, as it is, is feeding on the mystery and mystique. Will you do yourself a favor and turn the clock back to when you first met your husband.... when you first dated him.... when you first kissed him....and when you first slept with him. Don't deny it and be honest about it.... it was awesome, wasn't it?

 

Do you think when I forward him his messages this week (I will be saving them for a couple of days since he will be unavailable) that I should once again ask, "Do you still want these emails?

:

Or, do you have any other type of suggestion as to how I can word it?

No.... and, no....

 

I can't just stop all of a sudden. I feel like I need some type of closure. It would be so out of character for me to all of a sudden cease sending them and I really worry how he make take it. I know I need to stop but I need to find a way in which I can live with. I hate to give up my friend but I can't deny that although I consider him a dear friend, the depths of my love for him is not on a friend level. I'm being dishonest claiming to be his friend when really I am his friend but I'm madly in love with him.

 

Exactly. You've gone way past the point of friendship. Even though nothing physical happened, I sure wouldn't put my money against you walking thru fire for him.

 

Listen, I can understand you want a way out without any fireworks and you want to minimize all the weirdness that may come with it. Continue to send him the mails for a while. But set yourself a strict deadline that you will adhere to. Tell yourself that, by this deadline, you need to stop everything altogether. Say, 2 weeks. Start by sending him stuff, but NO commentary. After a while, 2 things may happen....

1. he does nothing

2. he asks you what's up

 

For (2) just lie and tell him nothing's up. And that you're busy. Sure, he's not stupid, but that's not the point. Under no circumstance do you tell him you're weaning him off. He may do two things....

1. nothing

2. pursues you and wants to rekindle things

 

If what you said about him is true, he might not do (2). But if he does it, I would say the chances of you getting out and moving on is pretty slim. The reason is that you're in this pretty deep. Right now everything comes down to your resolve and resilience. You said you don't wanna break his marriage up and neither do you wanna cheat, so I hope your stick to your words. I'll try and answer your other post in a separate post.

[elijahBailey]

As I begin to try bring closure to this relationship, I was wondering if you would think as a guy that it would be weird getting a photo from the person.

 

uhm, yeah, it would be weird. I can understand where you're coming from, but, if you do survive this episode in one piece, and you look back, retrospectively, years from now, you might be wondering 'why the heck did I send him that picture for'.

 

When you're in the middle of a mess like this, your mind's really playin' a lot of tricks on ya. Sorry if I sound blunt, but I'm extremely positive that if you survive this no-contact thingy, your outlook on this entire situation WILL change. How do I know? Well.... I've been there before Your mind's in a loop now and the only way you can see clearly is if you get yourself OUTSIDE of the loop.

 

The way I look at it, you've been spare the trauma of actually cheating. You're definitely susceptible, to be sure. Had he been someone who doesn't give 2 hoots about his marriage vows, you would've posted in the 'Infidelity' forum and not here.

 

When we took our marriage vows, it was not a conditional vow that if we were to find someone else more interesting, we bolt. I've personally found many girls more attractive than my girl and has more chemistry with me, but, you know what, it's not about whether you've got the best, but who you have with you today. Good luck.

[athena3963]

Thanks for responding to my post.

 

You are so right. I have set a deadline of two weeks. I will forward him his messages with no commentary. I will also not send him a birthday card, photo or present. My guess is at some point he will send me a "what's up" message. He may not say "what's up" but ask me some trivial question. If I don't forward his messages, he will probably come up with some excuse to contact someone at the office to find out if I have been in an accident. The bottom line is I shouldn't worry about hurting his feelings and leaving him with the feeling that I don't care for him. He knows I do. Although he will probably feel a twinge of sadness, I think he will be greatly relieved when I quit corresponding with him.

 

Without a doubt I will be in mourning for the next couple of months. It's like I've been hanging on to a ghost. But, for the sake of our families, friendship and my evaporating, it's time to end it. I will make it over the rainbow. I have alot of love inside me and it should be focused on my husband. At least there is enough love left between us to salvage our relationship.

 

Thank you.

[Mary3]

Excellent Advice :

 

You need to let him go. I dont see him at your doorstep pleading with you to come away with him.....He is doing the right thing at this moment and who knows later down the road.

 

But you should be worried about the man who DOES lay in your bed at nite. The one who really loves you.

 

This friend of yours seems to keep you at a friends distance.

 

Its what you are : friends.

[Keith]

I just wanted to share, that what your going through my wife did also. It started out as friends, and they grew close. Neither her nor this other man "planned" on anything else, until it happened one night. It grew from there until I found out. Now there are two marriages and families who have been devistated, and nobody knows how it will shake out.

[Mary3]

Exactly right Keith . I am sorry to hear about the devastation of your 2 families and what your wife did .

This is the end result of not supressing and dismissing entering an area that is forbidden to those who are married.

Thats why they say long engagements. To make sure that is the right person for you. But then, sadly, there is no gaurantees that person will be with you a lifetime.

 

For the orginal poster : see what happens when you follow your yearnings ?

[athena3963]

I appreciate your responses. Thanks so much for your responses.

 

I am sorry that both have you have been betrayed. And, believe me when I say, that I am sorry.

 

You know, marriage isn't always fun and sometimes it does come down to your beliefs and keeping your vows. Sometimes it's not just for days but months and even years that it's not alot of fun. But, most of us understand that it's not all Wine and Roses and most of the time, it can be boring and hopefully, some fun mixed in. However, (and I don't know your circumstances) but frankly, I don't feel 100 percent responsible about where I am today. I did work...and hard at our relationship. I'm in my forties and married a guy in my early twenties that was working on a higher degree. Throughout our marriage, he has only made $6,000 every single year. While I have worked two jobs many times throughout the same period of time. I have supported us. In addition, he couldn't tell you how to load a washing machine, or even how to start the vacumn. He has NEVER cleaned anything in our house...not even a dish...EVER. In addition while he was in school, I typed every single paper, even did his homework, half the time. But, is he a horrible person. No, that's just his nature. He has many good things too.

 

He does loves me but is he giving anything in return...No. Has he ever took me to dinner...a movie or anywhere. No, not in 17 years. I'm not a monster. I'm an above average looking woman with an IQ in the 130s. But, I always say...I married him...I made a committment. In addition to that, he was a raging alcoholic for three years. But, he has quit drinking, got a great job in the last few months. But, you know what...we haven't had sex but twice in two years! He's on a antidepressant and it has affected him sexually. I have talked to him...begged him...please talk to your doctor about switching Meds. I'm only in my early forties. I can't be expected to go through my life without sex. Did he talk to his doctor? No. Because he doesn't miss it because of the Meds, I'm expected to live the rest of my life without sex. It's strange.

 

I do not want my friend to leave his wife...although...yes, I love him. I'm not having sex with him but I have to face I love him. What I want is my husband to talk to his doctor and let us work things out. I like sex and frankly, I don't want to live without it for the rest of my life. Is that wrong? Forget the companionship (movies and everything else) but can't I expect something once or twice a month?

 

We all talk about how wrong it is to leave our spouses (and believe me, even after all of this I am not leaving him) but for God sakes, why point a finger at the cactus in the corner that gives everything and never gets anything in return. I believe in vows but there has to be a line. I will hold that line even if my heart begs for something different but I will not feel guilty for wanting. We all need....we all want. I work, my house is immaculate...I'm not bad looking...I love and I give. All I want is someone to give something to me. He gives that to me and fortunately it's an safe zone that we both accept.

 

He sent me a message today (even though I was afraid initially he wanted me to go waay), that said, "you have no idea how your messages help me keep going every day." I'll cut back but continue to speak to him. We need each other and we are so weird, that nothing will ever come of it except to help sustain us for the sake of our children.

 

But, our children our number one. That's all that counts. But, there are always two sides. Infedility is wrong but is so is starvation. As far as I'm concerned, we are two people that have starved for a very long time. If I had to place bets, we will NEVER sleep with each other but we will always be there for each other. At the same time, I pray that my husband is willing to work with me because I love him as well. May not be as exciting but I understand that it's because we have been together for years. But, he has his positive side too but he has to be willing to work at our relationship. I can't do it alone anymore.

[Mary3]

After reading your post about how miserable your marraige is and all that is wrong , then why don't you focus on ending it ?

 

NOT for the other man but for GODs sake , YOURSELF and your kids.

 

It sounds like you have gotten into a rut and you are now 40's and bored and your husband does not give a rats you know what because you stay and suffer.

 

I would find your own identity and finish out your life on your own.

 

Don't make the other guy the main focus but truth be known : Your current marraige sounds very crappy-ola and do you intend to STAY inside the cr** forever ? Or perhaps change MR hubby ?

 

If it were me, I would think long and hard and then end the sham if it cannot be repaired.

 

Life is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too short to suffer with no sunshine at the end ...