Is reconciliation possible?

[Becky_19]

Hi, looking for some advice off you helpful people ��

 

My ex broke up with me a couple of weeks ago, I was wondering on advice on if you feel reconciliation is possible and if so how to go about it.

 

I’ve spent almost every second reading ex back internet blogs and even bought a book but I refuse to do any of it in practice as I think it’s manipulative and downright wrong to use some of the ‘psychological techniques’ to play with someone’s feelings.

 

My story, I met my ex about 2.5 years ago, she had a huge crush on me and a mutual friend advised her to talk to me because I was sweet. She initiated a conversation with me at a sports club we were both part of and we hit it off immediately. Instant chemistry and passion,it was clear we both fell very hard for each other. We were together for 2 years and lived together for 1.5, we had a dog together (she still has him) and were planning marriage and children together. I’d met her parents/grandparents and her mine and we got along very well. I’ve struggled with depression and abandonment issues my whole life due to childhood trauma (physical abuse and a parent passing away) my ex encouraged me to go to therapy to deal with this and she was supportive throughout. However this did have an affect on our relationship, sometimes I would be insecure and struggle to communicate and just kick off if she spent a lot of time with her friends because I felt abandoned. I knew this was my own problem but struggled with controlling it. Our relationship was always happy and supportive we had cute traditions we would do together and for Xmas she bought me a cooking pot she knew I’d love because she wanted it to be an heirloom for our future family. I’ve realised now a lot of my insecurity and inability to accept her love was due to me not loving myself. Last month we had a huge argument in which I told her I wanted her to choose me or her friends (I know that was hugely wrong in my part) she asked for space so I went to my mums for a couple of days. When I went home she cried and said she loves me so much and wishes I could see how amazing I am, but she has to have boundaries for how she is comfortable being treated and I crossed that. For a week we talked, we slept together, cried together, agreed to go on a break, then agreed to stay together but not live together. She went to her parents for a family birthday we talked every day, loving, making plans. When she came back we went on a date. It was a little awkward but fun, we flirted. I kissed her at the end of the night but she stopped me and said it’s not a rejection. I flew off the handle and she said again crying about how conflicting it is for her to break up with someone you love so much. That if only I could see how much she loved me, and how much hurt I had caused her. I said how could I believe that you don’t break up with someone you love. Since then she brought my stuff from the house and we’ve been pleasant, we’ve texted a little about things but nothing emotional. She’s liked my Facebook posts and wore nice clothes when she came to drop my things off.

 

I know there is a strong love and emotional connection between us, I accept that she is allowed and entitled on a basic human level to have boundaries and sometimes love isn’t enough. What are your thoughts? Should I keep communication open and grow as a person and maybe things could be worked out?

 

The initial break up was a month ago and since then I’ve joined a sports team, got a new job, I’m learning to drive, changed my wardrobe (now I have more money, I was stuck in a dead end min wage job before and couldn’t even afford clothes I wanted to wear) reading about mindfulness and trying to change my mindset to focus on self love and needing myself above all.

 

But I love her so much I can’t imagine a future without her in it, I know nobodies perfect and it takes two people of breakdown a relationship my friends tell me not to blame myself but how can I not when I ****ed up?

Edited July 29, 2018 by Becky_19

[marky00]

Sorry this happened.

 

I've been where you are and it hurts like hell.

 

Thing is, people rarely breakup with someone if they are still "in love" with them.

 

I'm sure she still loves you as someone might love a family member etc but the issues you were having caused her attraction levels to drop slowly over time.

 

It sucks to know that's the way it is. Same thing happened to me actually. Thing is but, not everyone would have left you in these circumstances, that's why it's hard to point the blame at either party I guess. Sometimes its just an incompatibility thing. My guess is she was definitely into you initially but probably figured out quite a while ago that you weren't going to get to the end with her. But once she was neck deep in, she probably figured she might as well continue despite that since enjoying your company beats being alone etc. Its also hard to dump people so it took her quite a while to muster up the strength to do it.

 

I will give you some valuable advice even though i'm 99 percent sure you won't follow it.

 

Only slim chance you have of a reconciliation is if you disappear right now and go full No Contact. Anything else just pushes her away further. If you go full NC, you will definitely hear from her in a few months but by then I doubt you will want to talk to her.

[Becky_19]

Hi Marky00

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

Yeah it really sucks to hear that. I guess it makes sense realistically that if you’re in love with someone you’d do anything. But my gut doesn’t really believe it, her tears were real, I can see it in the way that she looked at me with big doe eyes the last time we spoke. She was even going to write me a letter because she wanted me to know how much she loved and adored me (though that never happened :/) I guess I’m torn between what is logical and the vibes she gave me before and after the break up. It’s obviously a situation where it’s difficult when you’re writing about something on the internet compared to when you experience something in person. What happened to you if you don’t mind me asking? Did it ever work out with your ex?

 

I disagree she’d decided that long ago, when we started struggling I think she genuinely believed that it was only a rough patch and things would get better but the huge argument pushed her away. Though I do really appreciate your advice.

 

Do you genuinely feel that that would result in a reconciliation or is it just to move on?

[DKT3]

Several years ago, a friend of mine got married and he sang this song to his wife

 

Lyrics to "Bless The Broken Road" song by Rascal Flatts:

 

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

That every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

Yes it did

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

And others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know it's true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

Yeah

And now I'm just rolling home

Into my lover's arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road

Ooh, ooh

That led me straight to you

I'm not a fan of country music, but it's a powerful song in terms of not all relationships are THE relationship. Some are merely ones to prepare us for THE relationship.

 

I think there is too much damage here, but you have clearly grown because of this relationship. That will make you better prepared for the next relationship.

[Lenny92]

If your ex's interest level in you was still above 50% when she broke it off then you might get her back if you play your cards right. Some form of limited contact is needed but just make sure your ex is initiating all the contact since she broke it off. Always keep conversations short and pleasant and funny. Don't talk on the phone for more than 5-8 minutes and make sure you always end the conversations first.

 

In your case I don't think it is necessary to do strict NC but rather a form of LC where you play hard to get. As long as the quality of your conversations are pleasant and you cut it short she may come back for more later. Those pleasant conversations may have a cumulative effect to rekindle the flame.

 

Don't tell her about the progress you have made until she asks. She will know when she wants to know.

 

Some women will end a relationship even at 55-60% interest level or even as high as 70% if there are external factors involved.

[marky00]

Hi Marky00

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

Yeah it really sucks to hear that. I guess it makes sense realistically that if you’re in love with someone you’d do anything. But my gut doesn’t really believe it, her tears were real, I can see it in the way that she looked at me with big doe eyes the last time we spoke. She was even going to write me a letter because she wanted me to know how much she loved and adored me (though that never happened :/) I guess I’m torn between what is logical and the vibes she gave me before and after the break up. It’s obviously a situation where it’s difficult when you’re writing about something on the internet compared to when you experience something in person. What happened to you if you don’t mind me asking? Did it ever work out with your ex?

 

I disagree she’d decided that long ago, when we started struggling I think she genuinely believed that it was only a rough patch and things would get better but the huge argument pushed her away. Though I do really appreciate your advice.

 

Do you genuinely feel that that would result in a reconciliation or is it just to move on?

 

Agree to disagree then,

 

People don't usually dump someone on a whim. They have thought it through long and hard in most cases. Thing is, it's not like she decided it ages ago but rather she knew her feelings weren't as strong as they should be and i'm sure she had been wrestling with that concept for quite a while (at least a few months).

 

When my ex dumped me after a 9 yr on and off relationship, she was balling her eyes as she told me. Crazy i know but actually it does make some sense. It's often very hard to dump someone you still care for but that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision for them.

 

After her crying episode, the BU stuck for over a year with just a sprinkling of contact. We did actually met up again after a year when her new relationship didn't work out but she disappeared again after a couple of months. I then went full NC and 6 months later, she kept throwing me breadcrumbs, that went on for about a year. I never responded. She actually just wished my happy birthday recently so she's still contacting me after 2.5 years from the initial breakup.

 

Thing is but, she never came out and said she wanted to try again. The BU stuck even though it hasn't been easy for her either. That's the moral of the story here. In the end, when a relationship ends, ultimately there is only 2 losers.

 

You go No Contact to heal. The secondary upside to that is you keep your respect and there's a small chance you might reconnect but don't wait for that.

Edited July 30, 2018 by marky00

[Becky_19]

I believe in second chances, I’m an optimist and always have been.

 

I’m really struggling with the negativity I see in the second chance subtread.

 

For the people who come here seeking insight and support I’m here for you!

 

I spoke to a close friend last night, she asked me if I truly believe my ex was the one, and she said well you have to fight for her!!!! If you believe it, dig deep down and you believe it, the. Fight with all your night. Love is worth fighting for!

 

I’ve been gathering my own resources and advice, some not so helpful, some manipulative. But I want to share with people what I’ve found to be a great resourse with actions and tasks you can do to at least get yourself in a better place with your ex.

 

- - disclaimer though, I can’t say any of it works. Just share things I’m going to chose to do for myself and my situation and anything I’ve read that may be of use.

 

The thing is, we’re all in this together. We’re all here because we love someone deeply and would like a second chance, it is hard to stay strong and to stay plaice when you lose someone you love, but don’t be discouraged.

 

As of today, I’m initiating no contact with my ex from advice I received(though he didn’t believe I’d take it my thought is, that you can only focus on yourself and control yourself, your feelings and your actions. But if you become the best version of yourself, then love will find you, and chances are if someone has loved you and had a strong bond with you before they’re probably going to notice but you have to leave the rest up to them.

 

Good luck to you all!

Edited July 30, 2018 by Becky_19

[d0nnivain]

Assuming that you now recognize that part of this break up was caused by your insecurities & she finally got sick of that, what are you willing to do to shore up your own self esteem?

 

If you started going to therapy & working on yourself, she might be inclined to consider taking you back. But if you think she's going to come back due to love alone, that is a fantasy. She can't deal with you saying things like she has to chose between you & her friends.

 

Once you are in individual therapy, couples therapy for you both may also help.

 

Even if it doesn't get her back you may want to consider therapy for yourself so you don't repeat this destructive pattern in your next relationship

[d0nnivain]

I believe in second chances, I’m an optimist and always have been.

 

As of today, I’m initiating no contact with my ex from advice I received(though he didn’t believe I’d take it my thought is, that you can only focus on yourself and control yourself, your feelings and your actions.

 

If you want a second chance, you can't go NC. NC is about healing yourself & is to be implemented when all hope is lost & there is no possibility of a second chance.

 

In your case, your EX ended things because you were being insecure & eventually it grated on her last nerve. If you want things to work out, you have to show her that you are changing. You actually have to change, not just say you will. If you are not in contact with her, how will she know?

 

 

You are right you can only change yourself but extended periods of not talking solidify the break up. They do not foster reconciliation. Getting back together takes effort & communication to fix the problems.

[Becky_19]

If you want a second chance, you can't go NC. NC is about healing yourself & is to be implemented when all hope is lost & there is no possibility of a second chance.

 

In your case, your EX ended things because you were being insecure & eventually it grated on her last nerve. If you want things to work out, you have to show her that you are changing. You actually have to change, not just say you will. If you are not in contact with her, how will she know?

 

 

You are right you can only change yourself but extended periods of not talking solidify the break up. They do not foster reconciliation. Getting back together takes effort & communication to fix the problems.

 

 

 

This is what I was feeing within my gut. I don't fee like ignoring her will actually do anything to rebuild the foundation of trust we had. And I do truly believe she is worth it. How do I approach staying in contact with her without just being needy?

[Becky_19]

Assuming that you now recognize that part of this break up was caused by your insecurities & she finally got sick of that, what are you willing to do to shore up your own self esteem?

 

If you started going to therapy & working on yourself, she might be inclined to consider taking you back. But if you think she's going to come back due to love alone, that is a fantasy. She can't deal with you saying things like she has to chose between you & her friends.

 

Once you are in individual therapy, couples therapy for you both may also help.

 

Even if it doesn't get her back you may want to consider therapy for yourself so you don't repeat this destructive pattern in your next relationship

 

 

 

Yes, I've spoken to a friend of mine who is a therapist and she gave me the details of certified cbt practitioners in my area.

I was down because I had no hobby and I was miserable in my job and made little money. I've just got a new well paid, challenging job. I'm learning to drive and I've joined a sports team in my local area, I'm dedicating at least one day a week to spending time with my friends.

I've bought loads of books on self-compassion and destructive emotions and started meditating daily.

I've also been writing a bucket list/goal list of things I'd like to achieve for myself, such as travelling to Iceland, designing a video game, go on a rollercoaster (im scared of heights), learn to drive etc. Things only for me that are important milestones for my development.

 

 

What do you think? Is there anything that I've missed out that could be beneficial.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not a therapist . . . although I play one on this board.

 

It sounds like you are taking positive steps in the right direction. Keep up the good work.

[d0nnivain]

Why not tell her what you said you are doing in the other thread -- sports, new job, making positive changes. Don't ask for anything now, just tell her what you are doing. Maybe in a week or two ask if she's like to meet.

 

Baby steps

[Becky_19]

Thanks, I just hope it all works

 

 

Do you have any advice on how to sustain a healthy communication with her whilst I'm doing these things?

[d0nnivain]

Do you have any advice on how to sustain a healthy communication with her whilst I'm doing these things?

 

This is what I wrote in your other thread:

 

Why not tell her what you said you are doing in the other thread -- sports, new job, making positive changes. Don't ask for anything now, just tell her what you are doing. Maybe in a week or two ask if she's like to meet.

 

Baby steps

[Becky_19]

Woops, seen your reply on this thread.

 

 

What if she doesn't want to hear from me?

 

 

Should I send her a text or wait for her to reach out?

 

 

I could text her to apologies for the hurt I caused her, that I've started to work on myself (talk about what I've been doing) tell her I wish her happiness, care about her and hope we can stay in touch?

[William]

Two threads merged on a similar topic so there may be some overlap and duplication. Please continue discussion of this reconciliation opportunity in this thread. Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

No apologies. Just say something like

 

I've taken your advice to heart & am working on myself. I got a new job. I'

m

learning to drive & I play [sport] one day a week now. Maybe we can meet to talk about how the new & improved, growing more self-confident me can find a way to get back in your good graces. I miss you.

 

You get to send one such text / reach out. Sending multiple is begging & is highly unattractive. You must realize that over time your behavior over time was cumulative for her & she may be so done that she can't get past her own hurt & anger.

[Becky_19]

I like it, thanks.

 

From what I know of my ex I think she’d be pissed that I haven’t apologies or acknowledged the hurt my behaviour caused her? Is there a specific reason to not apologise?

 

Also, I subscribed to Louise Hadley’s email, I’ve been reading some of the things she sends out and some of her advice to do with re-atracting your ex and focusing on creating positive new experiences and not letting your emotions rule your behaviour. I’ve been considering her 1 on 1 service. But it’s a lot of money to give someone who doesn’t really have credentials. Is she legit? I’m in half a mind thinking my money is best spent on a qualified therapist. After all will she really have much more to offer than what is already in her emails?

[Becky_19]

Also, I don’t think I replied to this part earlier but I’m glad that you pointed out that thinking things can be resolved from love alone is a fantasy.

 

I think that hit home because it’s very true. Especially in my situation, I’ve come to realise when reflecting on the break up that no matter how much you love someone if they behave in a way that doesn’t feel right to you and you’re not 100% sure that they will change than no matter the pain it would cause you, you would leave for your own sake. I think that is what my ex did. Love unfortunately cannot conquer things like that, only self introspection and action to growth. And sometimes that is a journey best taken alone. People can and do change all the time, so hopefully if I can overcome my self destructive ways and maintain a connection we can rebuild trust and go from there. But until then I think it would only be further destructive.

 

My friend I’ve spoken too thinks I’m being too hard on myself, but I’ve been reading a book that is aimed at accepting that change is necessary whilst being compassionate and friendly with oneself. So I’m trying to change my thoughts daily to reflect that ideology.

[ExpatInItaly]

Also, I don’t think I replied to this part earlier but I’m glad that you pointed out that thinking things can be resolved from love alone is a fantasy.

 

I think that hit home because it’s very true. Especially in my situation, I’ve come to realise when reflecting on the break up that no matter how much you love someone if they behave in a way that doesn’t feel right to you and you’re not 100% sure that they will change than no matter the pain it would cause you, you would leave for your own sake. I think that is what my ex did. Love unfortunately cannot conquer things like that, only self introspection and action to growth. And sometimes that is a journey best taken alone. People can and do change all the time, so hopefully if I can overcome my self destructive ways and maintain a connection we can rebuild trust and go from there. But until then I think it would only be further destructive.

 

My friend I’ve spoken too thinks I’m being too hard on myself, but I’ve been reading a book that is aimed at accepting that change is necessary whilst being compassionate and friendly with oneself. So I’m trying to change my thoughts daily to reflect that ideology.

 

This is very true.

 

I've been the one who left because I just couldn't take it anymore. I loved that ex, but it was too draining to continue. And the truth is that when someone consistently demonstrates deal-breaking behaviour, your love for that person changes. I didn't wish ill on my ex, but I most certainly fell out of love with him and was no longer interested in being in a romantic relationship.

 

Make whatever changes you need to make for you. There's no telling what the future will bring with your ex, but if you keep up the inner work, you'll be in a healthier emotional place regardless.

[Becky_19]

Thank you for sharing ExPatinItaly,

 

I’ve been really wanting to understand her side of the experience. I care about her very much and it’s so difficult when you’re in a whirlwind of your own emotions to really see someone else’s pain. I’m heartbroken for myself but I’m also heartbroken for her too. In some discussions we’d had post break up she was open about losing her best friend, someone she trusted more than anyone, that she for the first time had really believed she could be secure and would w with me forever and laid all her dreams of the future on us being a family. Looking back st that moment and seeing her cry for real it made me truly sad that I had been so ignorant to her suffering.

 

Forgive me for being desperate but if your ex was to do anything to reconcile with you and get a second chance what could it have been?

[Becky_19]

 

Make whatever changes you need to make for you. There's no telling what the future will bring with your ex, but if you keep up the inner work, you'll be in a healthier emotional place regardless.

 

Thank you for this

[ExpatInItaly]

Forgive me for being desperate but if your ex was to do anything to reconcile with you and get a second chance what could it have been?

 

Speaking very frankly, by the time I left, it was far too late for a second chance. I had already tried my best to make it work, to ask him to get the help he very much needed, and he never did. By the time the relationship ended, I truly only wanted to put it all behind us and part ways.

 

I can't speak for your ex, but breaking up was my last and final resort. There was no going back, as I had zero interest in doing so by that point.

 

It's been a few years since then, and almost as long without any contact. We weren't right for each other, and I have moved on. (I know from a mutual friend that he has too, for what it's worth)

[Becky_19]

Thanks for being honest.

 

I’m not going to lie it’s my biggest fear. I keep clinging on to her being conflicted as the glimmer of hope.

 

I guess I’ll just have to keep doing the best I can for myself the more I do that the more I feel less like I need her but the more I realise how lucky I genuinely was to have her in my life. It’s a strange mixture of being okay because of the personal progress I’m making but also deeply sad and missing her like crazy.