Is reconciliation possible?

[Becky_19]

Expat, what are your views on texting my ex. I want to really think it through as I know I’ll only get one chance

[d0nnivain]

I have know idea who this Hadley woman is. I do think that anybody who expects you to pay for info about how to get your EX back is a charlatan preying on the desperation of the heart broken.

 

At bottom all the self help books & life coaches in the world boil their messages down to one basic point: have some self respect.

 

There I gave you the secret, no charge.

 

You know your EX. I don't. If she needs to hear / read the words I'm sorry or I apologize, fine. You can put in ONE sentence. Do not go on & on in some rambling stream of consciousness babbling. That will turn her off in an instant & confirm in her mind that you are still the insecure clingy needy person she broke up with. The point of this reach out contact is to show her you have changed & are more confident.

[Becky_19]

Yeah I think they’re very untrustworthy.

 

Haha thanks

 

So, remaining in control of my emotions and not acting too desperate. I’m worried about texting her, all the advice I was reading got me all confused. Because when she’d been texting with me to arrange my things she had put a x and we were pleasant with one another and she liked my Facebook posts I got ahead of myself and text her a light friendly message about a tv show we both like. But she never replied and that was yesterday so I’m on edge about reaching out again in case she’s ignoring me, but my gut tells me she’s probably annoyed that I was so casual and havnt even bothered to apologies/acknowledge the hurt my actions caused.

[Becky_19]

So I’ve come up with this to send her advice would be much appreciated

 

Hey! I wanted to get in touch to apologise for the hurt that I caused you. My actions were selfish and ignorant and I am truly sorry. I’ve taken your advice to heart and have gone back to therapy and am working on myself. Even learning to drive and I’ve joined a rugby team. Maybe we could meet and talk sometime, I’d love to catch up and hear about what’s going on with you. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you.

 

Is it too much?

[Normm]

So I’ve come up with this to send her advice would be much appreciated

 

Hey! I wanted to get in touch to apologise for the hurt that I caused you. My actions were selfish and ignorant and I am truly sorry. I’ve taken your advice to heart and have gone back to therapy and am working on myself. Even learning to drive and I’ve joined a rugby team. Maybe we could meet and talk sometime, I’d love to catch up and hear about what’s going on with you. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you.

 

Is it too much?

 

 

Yes it's too much. I recommend you send NOTHING but if you must- leave off everything following "rugby team". If she wants to see you, she'll mention it. Don't be the one pushing to get together.

 

 

 

It also wouldn't hurt if you made the message more about HER than you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Expat, what are your views on texting my ex. I want to really think it through as I know I’ll only get one chance

 

See, this is where you're approaching this the wrong way. Your chance already happened in the relationship. Sending her a text now probably won't change much in either direction. I am not saying all hope is lost, but it would be riding on a lot more than one message.

 

However, in reading the text you would like to send, I would shorten it up a lot. I am assuming she already knows you're sorry for hurting her, no? I would simply tell her that you are working on putting your own life together, and would like to catch up sometime, if she's open to it.

[Becky_19]

No, I don’t think she does know.

 

I definitely know my chance was during the relationship and that is one of the most painful lessons I’ve learnt from this experience. If a second chance is possible in my situation I know they don’t happen all that often and it should be well thought out. I should actually be making progress of sustainable change.

 

I think the shorter and less emotionally charged the message is the better. I’m not expecting it to heal all, I only want to open the lines of communication with her.

[Normm]

I only want to open the lines of communication with her.

 

 

Contacting her in an attempt to "open the lines of communication" won't get you any closer towards reconciliation. It will have the opposite effect. Do a search on this forum on "The 180". That's what you need to be doing. When you read about it you'll understand why.

[daphne]

Op-

 

To confirm some of what youru gf and other posters have said here, it is very likely that Your gf was indeed still in love with you when she broke up.

 

I have just moved out and left the person I thought was the the one. But he pushed me away with his abandonment issues and anger from parental alienation. He took me for granted and he imposed a lot of deal breakers I think to test me. I have supported him through a lot. I won’t support disrespect and being treated poorly.

 

He tried playing it cool and got terrible advice on trying to make me jealous from his twice divorced buddies. More disrespect doesn’t work. He had neglected my needs for a year and then applied some of the 180 rules that just amounted to more of the same neglect. If this is you, don’t do more of the same cos it will confirm you’re the same person. The 180 is not a one size fits all.

 

Whatever pushed her away stop doing. Whatever she needed start doing. No contact for a while to get your head on straight would be a good idea but reaching out when you feel stronger will be on you I think. She dumped you because you messed up so imo you can’t expect her to pursue you. People think nc is used the same way every time and it isn’t. If someone left because you screwed up they’ll probably keep going. You have to grow and reach out later to let them know you got it.

 

I will say you have an uphill battle. After everything I doubt I can take my ex back. He made my life a nightmare and hurt my self esteem. I no longer trust him.

 

Good luck

Edited August 1, 2018 by daphne

[marky00]

Op-

 

To confirm some of what youru gf and other posters have said here, it is very likely that Your gf was indeed still in love with you when she broke up.

 

I have just moved out and left the person I thought was the the one. But he pushed me away with his abandonment issues and anger from parental alienation. He took me for granted and he imposed a lot of deal breakers I think to test me. I have supported him through a lot. I won’t support disrespect and being treated poorly.

 

He tried playing it cool and got terrible advice on trying to make me jealous from his twice divorced buddies. More disrespect doesn’t work. He had neglected my needs for a year and then applied some of the 180 rules that just amounted to more of the same neglect. If this is you, don’t do more of the same cos it will confirm you’re the same person. The 180 is not a one size fits all.

 

Whatever pushed her away stop doing. Whatever she needed start doing. No contact for a while to get your head on straight would be a good idea but reaching out when you feel stronger will be on you I think. She dumped you because you messed up so imo you can’t expect her to pursue you. People think nc is used the same way every time and it isn’t. If someone left because you screwed up they’ll probably keep going. You have to grow and reach out later to let them know you got it.

 

I will say you have an uphill battle. After everything I doubt I can take my ex back. He made my life a nightmare and hurt my self esteem. I no longer trust him.

 

Good luck

 

That's not a typical dumper but. Your officially the dumper but your situation is much more like that of a dumpee.

 

What matters is who was more invested and thus who got more hurt. Answer to both of those questions is YOU.

 

They typical dumper is one who leaves due to not being in love anymore.

Edited August 1, 2018 by marky00

[daphne]

Yes sometimes it feels like I was the dumpee even though I know he doesn't want it to end. However, his self sabotaging behaviors make it impossible to relate to him so he gave me no choice.

 

I think the op is in a similar position to my ex. He may have pushed her away without actually wanting her to go away because of abandonment issues. So he can't really act like a typical dumpee. Many dumpees are dumped because of a loss of attraction and not necessarily betrayal of trust. That's why I don't think he should try the exact same tactics for the former. If what he did before was neglectful or toxic, ignoring her won't fix the problem.

 

I disagree that I got more hurt. My ex is in a really bad place and I suspect he'll be there a while. I'm doing better now that I'm out of the chaos. So you're making some assumptions there.

[marky00]

Yes sometimes it feels like I was the dumpee even though I know he doesn't want it to end. However, his self sabotaging behaviors make it impossible to relate to him so he gave me no choice.

 

I think the op is in a similar position to my ex. He may have pushed her away without actually wanting her to go away because of abandonment issues. So he can't really act like a typical dumpee. Many dumpees are dumped because of a loss of attraction and not necessarily betrayal of trust. That's why I don't think he should try the exact same tactics for the former. If what he did before was neglectful or toxic, ignoring her won't fix the problem.

 

I disagree that I got more hurt. My ex is in a really bad place and I suspect he'll be there a while. I'm doing better now that I'm out of the chaos. So you're making some assumptions there.

 

I'm not so sure. He is here writing on LS, the OP that is. That shows he has some emotional investment. Unless your ex, was doing something similar, we can't say your story is similar.

 

I wasn't making assumptions. I'm just telling you what the typical "dumper" scenario is on LS. Most dumpers don't come on LS saying they felt hurt. Some do come on to LS claiming dumper's remorse but most of those end up admitting they pulled the plug even though they didn't really want to (making them effectively the dumpee).

 

What I am saying is that based on your info, you were/are hurting more than the typical dumper.

 

95 percent of female dumpers usually have another partner lined up (the so-called monkey-branch). Not being nasty here, its just so common on LS and I can say that every time I was dumped, there was a guy waiting in the wings every single time.

 

So based on all this, your story just doesn't fit the more typical dumper story.

 

What I have said doesn't mean your not in a better place. Otherwise you wouldn't have left. Just that exiting was probably more painful than what a typical dumper experiences. Some people on LS labelled your situation as the so-called "forced dumper". These dumpers still loved their partners but felt compelled to terminate the relationship.

 

The OP here is a dumpee. Didn't want the relationship to end and recognizes his faults in the relationship. Is it too late? probably. But it seems pretty clear his regrets are genuine. He essentially represents the classic male dumpee scenario. I do agree his behavior was borderline toxic but no dumpee exhibits perfect behavior (in the dumper's eyes) or they wouldn't have been dumped. At least he is here acknowledging his behavior was possibly toxic. Some people give out toxic vibes and never address it or even worse, never even recognise it exists. No Contact isn't a game that should be played. People are telling him to stay NC out of respect to her decision and for him to heal. He can come out and tell her he recognises his faults in the relationship but that's unlikley to fix anything at this point in time. Regardless, most dumpees are usually advised to have one last crack at things, admit to their faults etc and then leave it there. It's then up to the dumper.

Edited August 1, 2018 by marky00

[Becky_19]

Thanks for the insight.

 

I do think my gf feels very similar to Daphne, she acted very hurt by making that decision and was extremely conflicted. I really wanted to see if there was anyone out there who could help me to understand what she might be going through and how my actions really affected her. I was selfish and single minded and empathise with her enough and I really regret it.

 

Thank you for acknowledging my awareness of my toxic behaviour, and your continued advice. I think space is probably duly needed as knowing my ex I think she’ll need some time to grieve and heal herself and pushing for contact to if anything prove to her I’ve changed may only cause her more hurt. So I think for now I’m exploring therapy first and foremost and continuing to recognise my needs/hobbies etc that I definitely ignored at the expense of my relationship which contributed to my insecurity.

 

I don’t agree I’m a reagular dumpee because Daphne’s story sounds like it was my exact experience, though you can only read my side of the story so it makes sense. I’m not really sure where to go from here, I’m confused and all over the place about what to do/say/if there even is anything I can. But I do think that if Daphne can see the perspective of my ex and thinks that the 180 or NC (NC with an agenda) will only be a continuation of the toxic and hurtful behaviours then I’m not going to do it because that’s precisely not what I want to be doing.

[daphne]

I'm not so sure. He is here writing on LS, the OP that is. That shows he has some emotional investment. Unless your ex, was doing something similar, we can't say your story is similar.

 

I wasn't making assumptions. I'm just telling you what the typical "dumper" scenario is on LS. Most dumpers don't come on LS saying they felt hurt. Some do come on to LS claiming dumper's remorse but most of those end up admitting they pulled the plug even though they didn't really want to (making them effectively the dumpee).

 

What I am saying is that based on your info, you were/are hurting more than the typical dumper.

 

95 percent of female dumpers usually have another partner lined up (the so-called monkey-branch). Not being nasty here, its just so common on LS and I can say that every time I was dumped, there was a guy waiting in the wings every single time.

 

So based on all this, your story just doesn't fit the more typical dumper story.

 

What I have said doesn't mean your not in a better place. Otherwise you wouldn't have left. Just that exiting was probably more painful than what a typical dumper experiences. Some people on LS labelled your situation as the so-called "forced dumper". These dumpers still loved their partners but felt compelled to terminate the relationship.

 

The OP here is a dumpee. Didn't want the relationship to end and recognizes his faults in the relationship. Is it too late? probably. But it seems pretty clear his regrets are genuine. He essentially represents the classic male dumpee scenario. I do agree his behavior was borderline toxic but no dumpee exhibits perfect behavior (in the dumper's eyes) or they wouldn't have been dumped. At least he is here acknowledging his behavior was possibly toxic. Some people give out toxic vibes and never address it or even worse, never even recognise it exists. No Contact isn't a game that should be played. People are telling him to stay NC out of respect to her decision and for him to heal. He can come out and tell her he recognises his faults in the relationship but that's unlikley to fix anything at this point in time. Regardless, most dumpees are usually advised to have one last crack at things, admit to their faults etc and then leave it there. It's then up to the dumper.

 

You seem to have a lot of black and white thinking. That must make it difficult to see the shades of gray that are out there and you have to rely on assumptions or stereotypes to make decisions. Very rigid and inaccurate, from my perspective.

[daphne]

OP,

 

My ex was extremely selfish and lacked empathy among other things. The relationship became all about him and his hurt as if he wasn't doing anything to hurt me. Ultimately, he betrayed my trust in a big way and his lack of empathy allowed him to say that it was ok because he thought he was hurting more because of his abandonment issues.

 

You can't go wrong by working with a good therapist (don't go to vent, go to work) and rebuilding your life with hobbies and interests right now and just have a cooling off period. When you're more secure and can handle any negative reactions would be a better time to reach out and take the temperature. Allow yourself and her to heal for now. My ex doing some parts of the 180 turned me off and seemed to me that he was blaming me for leaving when he left me no other options.

 

There's a book you may find interesting. Zen and the art of falling in love. The biggest part of it for someone with abandonment issues is learning to sit still and invite people in without thrashing about. And letting them go when they leave.

 

You'll be ok. Perhaps this event will be the thing that compels you to grow and experience life more fully and leave the baggage behind.

[marky00]

You seem to have a lot of black and white thinking. That must make it difficult to see the shades of gray that are out there and you have to rely on assumptions or stereotypes to make decisions. Very rigid and inaccurate, from my perspective.

 

Total opposite actually.

 

For me dumper/dumpee line is very grey. Unlike some people here, I don't class someone as a dumper just because they dumped. Like wise for a dumpee. To me, its more about who was the more emotionally invested.

 

I'm all about the grey actually.

 

Just saying what I see as more common. Not at all saying it's black or white.

[Becky_19]

OP,

 

My ex was extremely selfish and lacked empathy among other things. The relationship became all about him and his hurt as if he wasn't doing anything to hurt me. Ultimately, he betrayed my trust in a big way and his lack of empathy allowed him to say that it was ok because he thought he was hurting more because of his abandonment issues.

 

You can't go wrong by working with a good therapist (don't go to vent, go to work) and rebuilding your life with hobbies and interests right now and just have a cooling off period. When you're more secure and can handle any negative reactions would be a better time to reach out and take the temperature. Allow yourself and her to heal for now. My ex doing some parts of the 180 turned me off and seemed to me that he was blaming me for leaving when he left me no other options.

 

There's a book you may find interesting. Zen and the art of falling in love. The biggest part of it for someone with abandonment issues is learning to sit still and invite people in without thrashing about. And letting them go when they leave.

 

You'll be ok. Perhaps this event will be the thing that compels you to grow and experience life more fully and leave the baggage behind.

 

Thanks, I’ll read that book deffo taking your advice. It’s so difficult I know she gave me lots of chances and I tried so hard but I struggled to keep consistent in what I was working on because we were happy 90% of the time. But I definitly get that I broke her boundary multiple times and when I promised to change, I did try but because I wasn’t doing it for myself and I knew the hurt I caused her it just creates this vicious cycle of me hating myself and feeding my insecurity even more. I know space is the best idea but I’m scared she’ll stop loving me, which is probably my insecurity too, you can’t switch off love, if you could this would be so much easier. Which she felt confused herself, and scared of trusting me, she trusted me with all her love and dreams of the future but I was too unstable. I’ve actually started to do a lot of reading and I’m wondering if perhaps I’m bipolar, so getting proper help is my main priority right now.

 

I struggle so much with trust and uncertainty. I don’t know if I’ll ever speak to her again or see her or if I do see her it’ll be weird and awkward and it just feels so impossibly sad. I love her more than anything.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know space is the best idea but I’m scared she’ll stop loving me, which is probably my insecurity too, you can’t switch off love, if you could this would be so much easier. Which she felt confused herself, and scared of trusting me, she trusted me with all her love and dreams of the future but I was too unstable. I’ve actually started to do a lot of reading and I’m wondering if perhaps I’m bipolar, so getting proper help is my main priority right now.

 

I am sure she loves you in the sense that she cares about you, but her feelings have already changed. That's why she ended it. The feelings she once had are not the same now, in that she doesn't see a future together.

 

I would agree that getting help is a good idea, if you think you might be suffering from a more serious mental health condition. You deserve to live a happier and more stable life. Focus on that now. Otherwise, the same patterns are likely to repeat themselves in future relationships.

[Becky_19]

But that’s why I’m here, to see if it is ever possible if I heal myself to have a second chance. I already know she doesn’t want that, it’s clear as day, I was looking for support for if it is ever possible to get a second chance.

 

And to be honest, I know you think you’re being nice but your words are extremely hurtful, I’m already heartbroken and I’m trying my best to help myself and you’re just rubbing it in the wound. I came here for support not to be hurt even more.

[ExpatInItaly]

But that’s why I’m here, to see if it is ever possible if I heal myself to have a second chance. I already know she doesn’t want that, it’s clear as day, I was looking for support for if it is ever possible to get a second chance.

 

And to be honest, I know you think you’re being nice but your words are extremely hurtful, I’m already heartbroken and I’m trying my best to help myself and you’re just rubbing it in the wound. I came here for support not to be hurt even more.

 

What exactly is hurtful?

 

I have not insulted you and I have not been rude to you. I have simply told the truth as I see it, based on my own experiences. I won't apologize for not sugar-coating it or giving you hope for a second chance when I think it's more likely that you and she will both move on. It appears you don't like what I am saying but because it isn't what you want to hear. I am not giving you much hope for a second chance, I realize, and that is because I don't think it's likely under these circumstances. To be fair, the very title of your thread is "Is Reconciliation Possible?" That suggests you were looking to hear posters' opinions, whatever they may be, which I provided you with. I'm sorry it's not the exact response you wanted. I never denied it's hard to hear.

 

And yes, I tried to help you by explaining things from the other side. However, I will stop taking the time to contribute to your thread because I can see you only want to hear advice that (I feel) will be counter-productive to you and keep you stuck.

 

Anyway, best of luck to you.

Edited August 3, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[daphne]

OP,

 

I think that Expat probably just didn't want you to get your hopes up and/or look for answers to support you doing something that may not help your cause. In other words, I don't mean to mislead you that you will have a slam dunk of getting your ex back if you make the changes. If, and if, you were to make changes, she may move on anyway because she's given you a number of chances. Also, typically nc is the best approach after a breakup for both parties. It allows you to heal and if the dumper took the dumpee for granted, time to miss them and realize what they had and possibly bring them back around.

 

I've used nc in most of my breakups. Almost all of my exes have come back for another chance. Unfortunately, the reality is that by the time the ex realizes that they screwed up by taking me for granted, I had given up hope and didn't go back.

 

If my current ex came back having recognized the damage and made considerable progress on his issues, I still can't say for sure that I would give him another chance. Every day that goes by, I realize how much damage he inflicted and chose not to work on himself. My friends and family are appalled by his treatment. So, he has a mountain to climb and I don't think he's up for it.