Questions about wife's behavior could use some help

[salparadise]

She also started in on how I am a "horrible person" and she flat out said she wanted a divorce. She wont act on that though. She just texts hateful stuff to me and threatens...

 

Again, exactly the same as my ex. She had this delusion that she could always make me tow the line by throwing out the D word. It was her trump card. She sure was dumfounded when I took her up on it and told her I would contact a lawyer the next day.

 

I feel your pain. I was there once. The antagonism gets so predictable and ridiculous that you can't take them seriously. You don't want it to end in divorce, but when it gets to the point they try to strip you of basic dignity... it didn't occur to me that I was in an abusive relationship until I told a therapist the things she had said. I was embarrassed and ashamed as I recounted her episodes for the first time. That's when I started realizing how hard it is to see from the inside looking out. A person can't remain healthy living in such an environment. No one should have to.

[basil67]

She also started in on how I am a "horrible person" and she flat out said she wanted a divorce.

 

Viatori, why do you not grant her a divorce when she says this? I mean, this stuff should be an absolute dealbreaker, yet you stay around for more.

[viatori patuit]

Viatori, why do you not grant her a divorce when she says this? I mean, this stuff should be an absolute dealbreaker, yet you stay around for more.

 

I wonder this too. I am think that I still bear the scars of the beatings. This is so small compared to that.

 

One thing I learned about myself as a survivor is that I need to be balanced myself before doing anything. I can often freeze when pressed. I start feeling those feelings of being in an unsafe place and I just get scared and confused. I guess this is a rambling answer that I simply don’t know.

 

She stormed out today and cut me off from her kids for the entire afternoon and evening. I lived my life - worked and then played softball. We “talked’ tonight. She asked me what I wanted and then proceeded to tell me i am not good for her and her kids. She berated me about ignoring her kids and then told me I was hypocritical because i wanted her affection. I suggested marriage counseling - she dismissed it out of hand. She wont say she is fiiing though. I guess she expects me to do all the heavy lifting.

 

 

My biggest problem is i am isolated right now. She kept pressing me when we started dating to help her with her kids so she won’t be a single mom. Slowly and methodically i lost all my support. Until now I am alone. except for this place. I really can’t talk to anyone. If she knew i was posting this she would take great exception to even this act. She often berated me for discussing my problems with my friends (when i could find the time to be with them). She would get mad and tell me i am not trustworthy for telling people about a situation.

 

The other issue is that this is sort of out of the blue. Thing were great for a while. We were happy and we had fun. It seems that things change when i take a stand (right or wrong).

 

I read this and I look like a defeated person. I feel a bit like one too. I think this looks like a person who thinks they are a victim. I once had a therapist tell me there are no victims - just survivors. Typing this makes me feel better though.

 

I bet in two or three days this will blow over. She will come back with some nonsense about trying something different. And if I let it this will disappear. I don’t know if I will. I don’t have the desire for a fight. And I can it is so easy to just try and forget this stuff happens.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you're underestimating the impact your relationship with her kids has had on the marriage. While I understand your reasons for not fully engaging, it may have forced her to think she's had to make a choice.

 

And it hasn't been you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[viatori patuit]

I think you're underestimating the impact your relationship with her kids has had on the marriage. While I understand your reasons for not fully engaging, it may have forced her to think she's had to make a choice.

 

And it hasn't been you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No, I am well aware of it.

 

She is actively trying to undercut the biological fathers place in the kids life. I take great exception to that - if they were my kids there is no measure to hard and fast I would hit back over that type of behavior. She has no right to tell the father what he can and cannot do with his kids.

 

I love her kids and they are great fun. But I won't be party to fleecing this guy out of his rights. That is the point of commitment where we separate.

[Mr. Lucky]

She is actively trying to undercut the biological fathers place in the kids life. I take great exception to that - if they were my kids there is no measure to hard and fast I would hit back over that type of behavior. She has no right to tell the father what he can and cannot do with his kids.

 

I love her kids and they are great fun. But I won't be party to fleecing this guy out of his rights. That is the point of commitment where we separate.

 

Your reasoning makes sense. But it just underscores the fact there are few areas of disagreement more damaging than children.

 

Not sure it's recoverable...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CaliforniaGirl]

No, I am well aware of it.

 

She is actively trying to undercut the biological fathers place in the kids life. I take great exception to that - if they were my kids there is no measure to hard and fast I would hit back over that type of behavior. She has no right to tell the father what he can and cannot do with his kids.

 

I love her kids and they are great fun. But I won't be party to fleecing this guy out of his rights. That is the point of commitment where we separate.

 

Have you considered what you may be getting out of this, considering your abuse background and how abused people feel they have no control?

 

You had all these complaints well before you married, yet you did marry her. Have you asked yourself why? "Because I love her" doesn't hold weight after three marriages...you already knew just love wasn't going to make things work.

 

I'm no therapist but is it just possible that you feel ultimate control when you can act totally unfeeling ( "logical") in the face of her getting more and more upset (albeit immaturely)? And then as she escalates in helpless frustration she becomes the "bad guy" while you can say you were just being quiet and calm - reenacting your childhood in your eyes?

 

I ask this because based on last threads when it is *you* getting hurt, you feel that is a big deal and that everyone should hear your pain, not just your wife should. That is how big a deal it is. But when it is her, you were just being logical so why is she so crazy and BPD and...and...?

 

So you do know how it can hurt to be told things that don't make you feel good. But it is just at that point that you *abandon* her *need* to be helped and soothed (just like your own need). You leave her there bleeding, so to speak, and getting more and more upset and begging for a reaction, to the point of losing control. Which you KNEW would happen. (That doesn't excuse it but bear with me here.)

 

Your last marriages seem to be, you got sort of "meh" (logical...read, shut down) and it all died from neglect and one or both of you walked. You call your lack of reaction in the face of a loved one's pain logic and personality, yet again, when it is *you* getting hurt - well, where is that cold smug logic? What if these women got tired of turning cartwheels to try to get you to react in any sort of truly feeling way? And while the first few kept their dignity and just walked, this one for her own reasons just keeps jumping to the bait, trying in (unhealthy, I'll grant you) escalating, increasingly angry desperation to finally get that reaction instead of keeping her dignity and just walking?

 

Now this one...her emotions are very strong all the time which is a horrible match for you, since your emotions more kind of turn off when it isn't you in pain, and I swear I am not trying to hurt your feelings here but what is your horse in this race? She didn't just suddenly change after marriage and you know that. You made this choice for some purpose. That is what you need to unravel, for next time.

 

I have experienced gaslighting that played very much like this (still am...my husband is the gaslighter), which is why I'm entering it as a contender. It is all about avoidance (Because you ARE in pain, that's real), control, and a constant need to feel the quiet victim to someone else's yelling and anger..because that is what you were raised on. If this is the case - not saying It has to be, I don't know - then you picked someone you know would feel overly emotional and had a "bite back" style of fighting and proceeded to stack situations against her via not supporting her emitionally, so those old tapes again and again. Because one thing about abuse victims is that we were taught we deserved it, so when the grownups stopped punishing us...we started punishing ourselves. It's actually really, really common. People who were abandoned also tend to do this, picking partners who abandon them emotionally...leading me to wonder what her story is...But that's for her to work out for her own next time.

 

But ironically it also makes us the cruel ones, for trying to to stack the deck so we can actually use another person to play their correct role. We USE our partners to become bad guys by comparison to us...the "nice" people, since we don't really know anything except now to be hurt. And in doing so we encourage them to be their ugliest...they often hate themselves for it...though again they obviously had their own internal tapes to play out by choosing someone they were never going to get real love from...

 

I personally feel this one probably can't be saved. You guys were never a match and she brings out your coldness and you bring out her ugliness. This was true before you were even married. I think she's tired of being the bad guy and painted as a monster and hating herself for losing control and she's done. And I think you should be by yourself for a while and get IC. I say this as a victim of childhood abuse myself, horrific abuse. We hide things. Deep.

 

FTR my tape right now is as the little girl.desperately trying to get Daddy to care about her. His is the tape you're playing. "But I'm so calm...oh boy I'm tired, think I'll 'logically' glass over her and make condescending statements when she desperately needs a hug, oh wow, why is she upset? PSYCHO! RIght, everybody? RIght..." But also with lots of little punishments, no sex, constantly belittling me, etc. I see it. He doesn't and we're divorcing. So I am NOT judging. But you need to wake up. You're not just a victim anymore. And if you want it to change, labeling someone else BpD and acting confused won't do it.

Edited August 4, 2018 by CaliforniaGirl

[JuneL]

What an insightful and thoughtful post.

 

Have you considered what you may be getting out of this, considering your abuse background and how abused people feel they have no control?

 

You had all these complaints well before you married, yet you did marry her. Have you asked yourself why? "Because I love her" doesn't hold weight after three marriages...you already knew just love wasn't going to make things work.

 

I'm no therapist but is it just possible that you feel ultimate control when you can act totally unfeeling ( "logical") in the face of her getting more and more upset (albeit immaturely)? And then as she escalates in helpless frustration she becomes the "bad guy" while you can say you were just being quiet and calm - reenacting your childhood in your eyes?

 

I ask this because based on last threads when it is *you* getting hurt, you feel that is a big deal and that everyone should hear your pain, not just your wife should. That is how big a deal it is. But when it is her, you were just being logical so why is she so crazy and BPD and...and...?

 

So you do know how it can hurt to be told things that don't make you feel good. But it is just at that point that you *abandon* her *need* to be helped and soothed (just like your own need). You leave her there bleeding, so to speak, and getting more and more upset and begging for a reaction, to the point of losing control. Which you KNEW would happen. (That doesn't excuse it but bear with me here.)

 

Your last marriages seem to be, you got sort of "meh" (logical...read, shut down) and it all died from neglect and one or both of you walked. You call your lack of reaction in the face of a loved one's pain logic and personality, yet again, when it is *you* getting hurt - well, where is that cold smug logic? What if these women got tired of turning cartwheels to try to get you to react in any sort of truly feeling way? And while the first few kept their dignity and just walked, this one for her own reasons just keeps jumping to the bait, trying in (unhealthy, I'll grant you) escalating, increasingly angry desperation to finally get that reaction instead of keeping her dignity and just walking?

 

Now this one...her emotions are very strong all the time which is a horrible match for you, since your emotions more kind of turn off when it isn't you in pain, and I swear I am not trying to hurt your feelings here but what is your horse in this race? She didn't just suddenly change after marriage and you know that. You made this choice for some purpose. That is what you need to unravel, for next time.

 

I have experienced gaslighting that played very much like this (still am...my husband is the gaslighter), which is why I'm entering it as a contender. It is all about avoidance (Because you ARE in pain, that's real), control, and a constant need to feel the quiet victim to someone else's yelling and anger..because that is what you were raised on. If this is the case - not saying It has to be, I don't know - then you picked someone you know would feel overly emotional and had a "bite back" style of fighting and proceeded to stack situations against her via not supporting her emitionally, so those old tapes again and again. Because one thing about abuse victims is that we were taught we deserved it, so when the grownups stopped punishing us...we started punishing ourselves. It's actually really, really common. People who were abandoned also tend to do this, picking partners who abandon them emotionally...leading me to wonder what her story is...But that's for her to work out for her own next time.

 

But ironically it also makes us the cruel ones, for trying to to stack the deck so we can actually use another person to play their correct role. We USE our partners to become bad guys by comparison to us...the "nice" people, since we don't really know anything except now to be hurt. And in doing so we encourage them to be their ugliest...they often hate themselves for it...though again they obviously had their own internal tapes to play out by choosing someone they were never going to get real love from...

 

I personally feel this one probably can't be saved. You guys were never a match and she brings out your coldness and you bring out her ugliness. This was true before you were even married. I think she's tired of being the bad guy and painted as a monster and hating herself for losing control and she's done. And I think you should be by yourself for a while and get IC. I say this as a victim of childhood abuse myself, horrific abuse. We hide things. Deep.

 

FTR my tape right now is as the little girl.desperately trying to get Daddy to care about her. His is the tape you're playing. "But I'm so calm...oh boy I'm tired, think I'll 'logically' glass over her and make condescending statements when she desperately needs a hug, oh wow, why is she upset? PSYCHO! RIght, everybody? RIght..." But also with lots of little punishments, no sex, constantly belittling me, etc. I see it. He doesn't and we're divorcing. So I am NOT judging. But you need to wake up. You're not just a victim anymore. And if you want it to change, labeling someone else BpD and acting confused won't do it.

[oldlion]

I post when I read something that I just don't understand someone's thought process. I don't understand yours. You got married last November and you have already had more arguments than my wife and I have had in the last 35 years. Let me give you a clue. If a woman says she is not attracted to you, disrespects you continuously, and says she wants a divorce.....believe her. Time for you to drop #3 wife and try again. One of my very best friends has been married 3 times before he found a true life partner. His first and second wife both cheated on him with multiple men. He has been married to his present wife for 26 years and they are completely happy. By your description this woman is slowly sucking the life out of you. Do yourself a favor and give her her divorce wish. Over 3 billion women in the world so you have a lot to chose from. Why stay and be miserable? I do wish you well.

[Josef Reisz]

Several things that could apply to your situation:

 

Your woman is constantly testing your strength as a man, and especially her man. Whenever she feels that you are off of your path in life, she will test you.

 

Another thing is that it sounds a bit like her anger is an expression of her wanting to have your attention and love. All woman need the feeling of safety and stability in their lives. In a relationship, the man is the source for this stability.

 

Her anger seems to come up at very specific situations, every 3-4 months.

 

It would be helpful to know how she feels in that situation in order to dig deeper into what exactly causes her to react that way.

[Contemplative72]

Several things that could apply to your situation:

 

Your woman is constantly testing your strength as a man, and especially her man. Whenever she feels that you are off of your path in life, she will test you.

 

Another thing is that it sounds a bit like her anger is an expression of her wanting to have your attention and love. All woman need the feeling of safety and stability in their lives. In a relationship, the man is the source for this stability.

 

Her anger seems to come up at very specific situations, every 3-4 months.

 

It would be helpful to know how she feels in that situation in order to dig deeper into what exactly causes her to react that way.

 

Your insight is epic level in accuracy. May I send my husband to you for a week? Lmfao

[Contemplative72]

So she's free to say no, but she better be ok with you being unhappy about it? Just how are you demonstrating this unhappiness with the free choice she has made? How "out there" are these sexual requests? Provide a specific example.

 

How old is your wife? Has she ever been married? Are there any cultural differences?

 

This jumped off the page at me as well.

[usa1ah]

Sorry if this is a bit long, but I am completely perplexed here and I am hopeful some of yall can help me straighten this out.

 

First a bit of back story. I recently married last November. Embarrassingly it is my third marriage. My first one ended when my wife had an affair. The second one died a slow and painful death. I could have stayed in the second marriage as long as I wanted. It was not fulfilling for either of us though and I thought it correct to end it.

 

I don't consider myself damaged per se just a bit unlucky and less tolerant of bad situations. I also think sometimes I am easily confused and make some bad decisions as a result. Understanding all of that, here is my question. My new wife (who i dated for two years prior to marriage) has said some things that I find odd to me recently.

 

First, she has told me she is "not attracted to me". This can happen one day, and the next day we are all fine and it is like nothing ever happened. This usually happens when we have a disagreement about something. I have to admit, this bothers me a great deal. It seems immature if she says it and doesn't mean it and it is suicide to stay in a relationship where this is truth. I think she is more immature than anything, but I can't say for sure. She can often follow this up with more direct comments about my graying hair (I am an "Old Man") . And to be fair, her friends have repeatedly told her that I am a handsome guy (and I have always been told that by others). i am 47, so the gray hair kind of goes with the territory. I suppose I could respond with something equally as harsh (like pointing out she gained weight) but that seems counter productive. I tend to keep my mouth shut while this is going on but I admit it bothers me.

 

Second, there have been some sexual issues. I have a very high libido. Like stupid high. I always want it. And I tend to like to push boundaries with people during sex. Not hard and fast boundaries (like no threesomes) but perhaps trying it somewhere new or trying something new with my partner. Of course she is always free to say no. I understand that. I am of the belief however that we both sort of need to agree on these things. If I want something and she doesn't, she absolutely doesn't have to do it. But I don't have to be happy about that. I figure if we communicated about things and worked through them we would reach a happy medium. That is the issue - she won't do that. If we discuss anything sexual it is a fight guaranteed. I am exhausted of this nonsense at this point. If I bring it up she will tell me how in her past she was insatiable with her former boyfriends. Now I suffer a bit from retroactive jealousy, so this is a real sticking point for me. The Retroactive Jealousy isn't her problem, but don't think comments like that are appropriate no matter what.

 

Finally, she will swear at me, call me names and generally degrade me when angry. I have told her repeatedly this is out of line but she won't stop. To me this is beyond immature. This seems like a dumb problem to have, but I have it.

 

I am embarrassed I cannot figure out a way to deal wit this situation. We don't normally fight and this is not a huge part of our lives. It happens maybe every three or four months where she gets moody and then says these things. I am really confused right now. Of course I love my wife and I want to make this work. I just don't know how to even begin to approach these issues. Thanks so much for reading.

 

I would take her at her own words, she isn’t attracted to you. She has also made the comment about not getting enough of her previous bf’s.

[viatori patuit]

Greetings everyone.

 

I took a break from this and just did some things I had learned along the way from wise people to take a break. I have spent the last week or so doing the next right thing. Be that take out the garbage or something for myself.

 

First, thanks for the comments. I see a ton of things here that have been helpful framing the situation. And that is where I struggle the most. I often cannot tell when I am over reacting or being a doormat. Since I could do a lot of damage not being balanced I elected to do nothing for a while and work on myself. I made sure I had enough sleep, enough to eat and was balanced as best I could.

 

Currently, everything is fine on the surface. She has said no more of her outburst nor has she apologized for the things she has said. I have not brought it up either. I realize some may disagree but in cases like this I want to be sure of myself before committing to action. Given my history I am prone to doing something stupid if I go off half cocked.

 

I did investigate divorce. It is very easy where I live. 90 days and it’s done. We have very little in the way of property to worry about so the actual process would be relatively easy.

 

Personally, the comments still bother me. She has been passive aggressively still making them. She has called me a horrible father and suggested I dye my hair to cover the gray. These are small snipes, but I am baffled why she thinks it is ok. She is a stickler for manners, but apparently she doesn’t need them around me.

 

I won’t be making a decision immediately about this situation. But I will address it. I put a lot of thought to the criticisms many have offered of my own behavior and I want to examine them more. I don’t do that for her, I do it for me. Clearly I still have baggage and this won’t be fixed if I divorce her or not.

 

In many ways I am suspicious of these lulls. But she does seem to be better longer each time. I am certain she has her own demons to deal with but collectively everyone here has convinced me it is not my place to tell her to do anything about it.

 

I am happy now. I know I have choices here and I am not the victim. My life is really good and I won’t give her that by being upset about her behavior.

 

 

Thanks again.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Viatori, your wife was dumped once. Looks like she is heading in that direction again! How long did her previous marriage last and what were the reasons for it's dissolution? I would say that your compatibility quotient with your wife is very low and it may ne best if you two part ways as amicably as possible. The one thing that strikes me about the unkind comments she makes about you is that she has very little respect for you. That in and of it's self is a big Red Flag. Best wishes.

[usa1ah]

This is not healthy for you.

 

Start the divorce, you can always stop it if she get counseling for herself and changes her ways.

 

Don’t tell her about it. Let the serving of the papers be her notice that you are giving her what she wants.

 

When she goes off say nothing until she is finished. Then simply say back to her what she has said about you and that you are relieving her of this problem she has.

 

Someone with her personality I think needs a hard wake up call to get them to see what they have been doing. Just sitting back and letting things alone will not help your situation.

 

Like I said the divorce can be stopped if she gets help. If she refuses to get help and treats you like she has been then divorce is your only solution.

[viatori patuit]

Hi Viatori, your wife was dumped once. Looks like she is heading in that direction again! How long did her previous marriage last and what were the reasons for it's dissolution? I would say that your compatibility quotient with your wife is very low and it may ne best if you two part ways as amicably as possible. The one thing that strikes me about the unkind comments she makes about you is that she has very little respect for you. That in and of it's self is a big Red Flag. Best wishes.

 

It’s interesting. She once bragged to me that she had never been dumped. She always dumped her boyfriends. She is attractive and exotic as she is Asian. She was also in very good shape when she was younger. She is not in as good a shape as she once was though. Two kids will take a toll on the body.

 

Her ex was apparently very attractive as well. She describes him as being built like Chris hemmsworth (Thor). I don’t know. I never met him and likely won’t. He got tired of her, called her controlling and left.

 

She seemed to be inclined to date only attractive people. I find it mildly funny as she claims she isn’t attracted to me but flips out if I leave my wedding band at home.

 

Now, as for compatibility that is not cut and dried. I have given the negative facts and circumstances and these are all true. But 95% of the time we get along great. Like better than I did with my other wives.

 

The issue I have is deciding if the 5% is worth tolerating for the 95%. If I simply don’t respond to her complaining and whining the 5% is even less. The issue is that I am not good enough to be quiet through every nasty thing she says.

[viatori patuit]

So I have been thinking. About this a bit more. After reading a bunch of stuff I think I found my course of action.

 

 

I think I will write her a letter detailing my feelings about this situation. I plan on giving her the letter as I leave for out of town (which I often do). I think this will allow enough separation that she might not react as intensely as she could were I to be standing there.

 

What do y’all think? Good idea? Colossally stupid? If it is a good idea, why do I put in there? If it’s stupid, why do you suggest I do besides file for divorce. While I am not afraid of that it seems pretty drastic without trying something less permanent first.

[BaileyB]

What is your purpose in writing the letter? What are you hoping to acheive?

[viatori patuit]

Behavioral awareness.

 

I am not sure she understands what she is saying. I think she is relatively immature about things like this and that she assumes I won’t remember these things she says.

 

That or she is a sociopath with no concern for her behavior. Either way I would like to understand why drives the behavior and if it can be tempered.

 

 

Things simply cannot continue this way.

[JuneL]

Behavioral awareness.

 

I am not sure she understands what she is saying. I think she is relatively immature about things like this and that she assumes I won’t remember these things she says.

 

That or she is a sociopath with no concern for her behavior. Either way I would like to understand why drives the behavior and if it can be tempered.

 

 

Things simply cannot continue this way.

 

Have you also said some extremely insensitive things to her or her kids? Previously, you said to your wife she’s using sex to manipulate you. Now you’re accusing her of possibly being a sociopath. Why is it that only your feelings matter?

Edited August 21, 2018 by JuneL

[viatori patuit]

Who said only my feelings matter?

 

Look - is it ok to say these things to your spouse or not? If you are OK with that kind of stuff than thats fine. Personally I would prefer to not have those things said around me or to me. Ever.

 

I want that to stop. If I do things she doesn't like then that is fine and we can discuss it. I am not a mind reader. If she has a problem she should air it out too. I am not stopping her from discussing the issues she finds with me nor would I stop her should she earnestly try.

 

There are two problems here as I see it:

 

1. She is emotionally volatile. If I present this the wrong way it will result in a fight an another round of hateful things said. Or it will result in stream of abusive comments directed at me where I remain silent. Neither is a good outcome.

 

2. She either finds this behavior acceptable (sociopath) or else she doesn't know it is not. She does not apologize and indeed continues it to a degree on a daily basis.

 

All I want is for it to stop. Time heals all wounds, and she can easily stop now and likely have no lasting damage (I hate grudges). If she thinks this behavior is OK then we have a different problem. I don't find this behavior acceptable. No way, no how. If she insists on continuing this behavior then I will be forced to leave the marriage.

[BaileyB]

Has she given you any indication that she would be willing to listen/read your concerns and/ or even considering changing her behavior?

 

I hear what you are saying... really I do. I just think it’s intereating that the two problems as you see it are both her problems to solve. Something tells me, she is not going to see things the same way...

 

It seems to me that the fate of your marriage rests on trying to get someone else to change, and that usually doesn’t work well. You may be better served to accept what is and make your decisions accordingly...

[viatori patuit]

fair pioints.

 

But notice a few things -

 

1. I am trying to solve issue one. I am looking for ways to start the dialog without inciting a bout of abusive language.

 

2. I am baffled by the behavior. I have literally never actually seen behavior like this from a romantic partner. There are three options here:

 

a. She is cool with it and thinks it appropriate.

b. She is clueless about the behavior and is unaware of it.

c. There is some sort of legitimate reason this behavior is OK.

 

I dont see option C. Ever. Telling your spouse abusive things like this is bad. Really bad. But I suppose it is possible that there is a legitimate reason. I just cannot figure out what it could be.

 

I don't see this as "her" issue to resolve. If I did, I would have terminated the marriage already quite frankly. I see this more as an oddity in that the behavior is so inappropriate that I am stunned at the level of abuse.

 

The quotes I gave you were verbatim. That was not me paraphrasing. "I am not attracted to you", "You are old looking" and all the other stuff is exactly what she said. How exactly is this not her issue to own at some level?

[Orokotikki]

Well viatori, I encourage you to take charge of your life.

Go ahead and try the letter, it will not likely work but is good therapy for you.

Do not hang any hopes on it.

There is a long space between filing for divorce and having it finalized - do it.

 

Consult a lawyer THE DAY OF the next belittling remark, make no further mention of it to her. Look to protect yourself and begin moving on.

 

She does not sound stable - start carrying a VAR immediately to protect yourself from false claims of abuse.