Questions about wife's behavior could use some help

[salparadise]

fair pioints.

 

But notice a few things -

 

1. I am trying to solve issue one. I am looking for ways to start the dialog without inciting a bout of abusive language.

 

2. I am baffled by the behavior. I have literally never actually seen behavior like this from a romantic partner. There are three options here:

 

a. She is cool with it and thinks it appropriate.

b. She is clueless about the behavior and is unaware of it.

c. There is some sort of legitimate reason this behavior is OK.

 

I dont see option C. Ever. Telling your spouse abusive things like this is bad. Really bad. But I suppose it is possible that there is a legitimate reason. I just cannot figure out what it could be.

 

I don't see this as "her" issue to resolve. If I did, I would have terminated the marriage already quite frankly. I see this more as an oddity in that the behavior is so inappropriate that I am stunned at the level of abuse.

 

The quotes I gave you were verbatim. That was not me paraphrasing. "I am not attracted to you", "You are old looking" and all the other stuff is exactly what she said. How exactly is this not her issue to own at some level?

 

 

You're being quite rational about it all, which is good in a sense because it keeps you grounded and prevents an all out war of hateful words in both directions. Peaceful resistance is probably the best you can do in such a situation. But let's not lose sight of what's going on––emotional and verbal violence. It is abuse.

 

Your logic above (a, b, c) would seem accurate, but it includes the assumption that she is thinking and acting rationally. She's not.

 

Item d- It's not really about you. She is projecting her own brokenness and instability onto you. On one level she knows it's not okay (she'd never do this in front of others), but on another she feels justified because she is so unhappy, does not have the ability to be introspective such that she can own it, and you have become symbolic of the brokenness that she loathes. She either has to accept and deal with that brokenness or blame it on something external. You are that something by default. She doesn't conceptualize you as a separate person with your own needs, feelings and good intentions... you are an extension of her, the part that causes the pain. She's fighting the fire with fire.

 

Her refusal to go to counseling is indicative of her fear of facing her demons. It's so much easier to make you the demon. This strategy is not conscious at all. It's buried beneath layers of defensive mechanisms that prevent unbearable realizations from becoming conscious.

 

I know that you'd like to be able to just figure it out and fix it, but it's not something you can fix, unfortunately. There will come a point when you realize this and understand that the best you can do is save yourself.