Moving On Is Oversimplified

[Lenny92]

We often hear it preached and pushed that NC is a tool for healing and moving on and not to be used to as a tool to get an ex back.

 

First of all how many people who get dumped after a long term relationship are going to be ready to move on? In the early days of the breakup many dumpees are going to start no contact to see what effect it has on their ex. I think NC becomes easier to keep up if we see it is having an effect on the ex. They may not come back but they may get curious and start to miss the dumpee.

 

In the early days and weeks after a breakup denial is a common defense mechanism since dumpees are grieving. I think some denial is necessary to give the mind a chance to process what is happening.

 

I also think that giving advice to just forget about your ex and move on and find someone else is oversimplifying it. I don't think a person can really move on after a breakup until their heart is ready to move on. Anyone can preach all day about why they believe it is important to move on but that is not going to motivate anyone to move on.

 

What does it mean to move on anyway? Simply going through the motions of dating new people doesn't mean one is moving on emotionally. I can go through the motions of not talking to my ex and not talking to friends or family about my ex but that doesn't mean I have moved on. Moving on emotionally takes time and is not a choice.

 

Furthermore I think the advice to just move on is more appropriate for the coping section of this board. There's a reason the owners of loveshack have a second chances section which is separate from the coping section. Apparently the owners saw fit to have a second chances section dedicated to give support to those who are not yet interested in moving on from their ex but are looking to explore various strategies that may increase their chances of getting their ex back. If you're looking for advice on strategies then the second chances section is the right place for you.

 

I think those who do not believe in second chances should just head over to the coping forums instead. There's various strategies to explore for winning an ex back because it all depends on why the breakup happened in the first place. No contact will not work to win an ex back if you got dumped because your ex didn't feel like you were committed to them enough. If you were neglecting to spend time with her, you were emotionally cold and were not affectionate or maybe your partner wanted more of a commitment from you than you were willing to give then all no contact will do is just reinforce to your ex that you don't care about them. You'll have to do some form of limited contact with your ex if you really want them back and want to show you have changed.

 

That was kind of my situation for why I got dumped. I was a poor communicator in my relationship and I had an addiction to pornography to the point where it reduced my sexual appetite for my girlfriend. Plus there were external factors involved around the time of the breakup. She lost a couple of close family members in a short interval. These were sudden deaths which led to her having a nervous breakdown and post traumatic stress. She shut me out and all her friends out. This breakup happened 10 years ago. I was in no contact for 9 of those 10 years. Recently we have been in limited contact. She has re-initiated contact with me over the past month even calling me the same pet names she used to call me when we were together. She calls me dear and darling.

 

Sometimes my ex would bring up the past and she tells me she misses me alot and she has even asked to meet up. I told her right now is not a good time for me but maybe in September my schedule will be more flexible. I know that none of this necessarily means she wants to rekindle our relationship but if she was willing to I would give it another shot after 10 years. She has always held a special place in my heart and I was more in love with her than any of my other past girlfriends. I have no interest in dating other women. I've been thinking about her alot lately over the last 2 weeks. I've been getting texts from her about 2 to 3 times a week now. I don't think any amount of time apart is going to change the way I feel about her.

 

So if we meet up in September I'll see what happens. No contact strategy might work if your ex broke up with you because you smothered them and acted too needy in the relationship. In my case I had issues with fear of intimacy with her in the old relationship.

 

I also know that holding on to limited contact carries the risk of dragging out the healing process much longer. It's up to each dumpee to weigh the risks and decide how much time they are willing to risk investing in a strategy to win their ex back. If your heart can't handle dating others then you're not really wasting time anyway. As long as you are still in love with your ex you aren't available for a new relationship. Ultimately each dumpee has to feel at peace about how much time they invest in these things.

Edited July 30, 2018 by Lenny92

[carhill]

Called it off but doubting the decision now?

 

So, you dumped someone and are having second thoughts now?

 

Someone wants you back?

You were dumped and the dumper is now contacting you to restart the relationship/affair/marriage/whatever?

 

Let us know about it!

Yup, discuss.

 

Note it doesn't include dumpees (been one myself, many times in life) who are simply dumped and forgotten but yet are holding out hope that somehow, someday, the creature who dumped them will magically appear and get down on their knees to ask forgiveness and profess undying love and fidelity.

 

IME, marriages and relationships that end should be treated like death. Death of the relationship/marriage. Bury it, mourn it, go through the stages of grief and move on. When I D'd, that process took a couple years. Not boozing it up and banging hussies. Alone time, processing a marriage that went south. Not sitting by the phone, hoping for a call, looking to see my ex out in the world, wondering who she was banging (met him while we were divorcing so no ambiguity there). On and on.

 

Good on folks like Liz and Dick who thought a second chance would work and tried it. No doubt there are plenty of folks out there like that. I'll never be one of them. One and done. Over, ended, bury it, move on.

[Lenny92]

So, you dumped someone and are having second thoughts now?

 

You were dumped and the dumper is now contacting you to restart the relationship/affair/marriage/whatever?

 

Yup, discuss.

 

Note it doesn't include dumpees (been one myself, many times in life) who are simply dumped and forgotten but yet are holding out hope that somehow, someday, the creature who dumped them will magically appear and get down on their knees to ask forgiveness and profess undying love and fidelity.

 

IME, marriages and relationships that end should be treated like death. Death of the relationship/marriage. Bury it, mourn it, go through the stages of grief and move on. When I D'd, that process took a couple years. Not boozing it up and banging hussies. Alone time, processing a marriage that went south. Not sitting by the phone, hoping for a call, looking to see my ex out in the world, wondering who she was banging (met him while we were divorcing so no ambiguity there). On and on.

 

Good on folks like Liz and Dick who thought a second chance would work and tried it. No doubt there are plenty of folks out there like that. I'll never be one of them. One and done. Over, ended, bury it, move on.

 

Have you ever read the lost in Chicago guide to no contact? I like it better than Caliguy's no contact guide.

[marky00]

Caliguy was a strong advocate of NC, your right. Him and another guy called SimonPhoenix were preaching it heavily back in 2013 I think.

 

For quite a while after I was dumped, I despised the "move on" term. People expecting me just to get over it in a few days etc. Not realistic at all.

 

I hung on, I tried for a reconciliation, but in the end when I ignored my ex's breadcrumbs for a solid year that helped me heal. It's not like I feel awesome. I still have a bad memories and it's still a shock 2.5 years later but i'm functioning and talking to other women etc so that's better than banging my head against a wall.

 

2.5 years later, my ex still sends me happy birthday messages etc. So i guess me totally shunning her didn't make her hate me so that's a win/win for me.

 

I agree that this site has a lot of vets that are unrealistic on applying NC and "moving on" in just a few days etc. Ultimately, that is the method that works for almost everyone in the end but when and how to implement it can only be figured out my the person experiencing the heartache.

[Becky_19]

Thanks for sharing this, I think it’s easy to forget especially when you’re friends are advised to do. I really liked the observation that moving on isn’t a choice.

 

I really wish you luck when you meet your ex, for me it sounds very promising.

 

I’ve been doing a lot of reading personally and although I struggle to trust the advice of the so called ex back/Ex recover experts. I do think it’s a good idea to treat the experience like you are meeting someone new, not go too fast and to flirt/attract her again. You’re already have a solid foundation with her so the more you build on that and continue to grow on your personal goals I believe that it can only make your relationship with her stronger.

 

Im by no means an expert and I haven’t even got any experience of reconciling with an ex, so you may want to ignore my input but I’m very happy for you and want you to succeed

[d0nnivain]

The key here is that NC is A tool, as in one tool. It is universally touted but it's not for everyone.

 

I could not do it as the person who got dumped. To go from talking all the time to never speaking again was too drastic for me. I worked out this crazy plan of weaning myself off my EX, with his cooperation. He was required to talk to me for 5 minutes as long as I didn't mention the break up or getting back together. We gradually reduced the time until I got used to not talking to him. I don't think that would work for a lot of people but we made it work. 20+ years later we were able to do a business deal together

 

When I broke up with a different long term partner, we spoke periodically. Although I was very angry at him & wanted out, I knew he needed to talk so I'd listen.

 

Each relationship is different but you do need to separate from an EX. It's unhealthy to stay connected on social media pining for what you can't have.