I don't know how to cope

[JayHarris]

Hi all,

 

I had a really sad breakup like many here have unfortunately experienced. Came out of nowhere and she dumped me when I thought things were strong. I was given silly reasons and got fed breadcrumbs that ended up leaving me even more hurt. I fought off obsessive thoughts for a long time and a small(stupid) part of me still fantasizes about this woman being in my life. I know it could never happen for many reasons because she was so mean to me in the post breakup.

 

Three weeks ago, my best friend died. He was the only person I really had to turn to during this rough time. He took me out for drinks and told me all the comforting things I needed to hear about being single. Last Saturday, he picked up a friend from a bar and he got hit by a drunk driver. I had known him since 2010 and he was the only true friend I've had in my life. He was easily the most important person in my life that is not a family member. I haven't even processed the loss yet and still don't believe it has happened. It's just not fair.

 

In total shock and depression, 1 week ago I notice one of my dogs is acting weird. I take him to the vet and it turns out he has cancer.

 

I can't really put into words just how god awful I feel on the inside. I feel sad, angry, and confused. I am deeply depressed at work. My best friend and EX would venture there all the time and I breakdown crying everyday at work when nobody can see me. The worst part is that my coworkers KNOW what I am going through and get pissed off at me for my work performance slacking. It makes me so angry that I see red. How ****ing dare them. I'd love to see them go through half the BS I've been through and try to do well at work.

 

I have suicidal thoughts but I know I won't act on them. It's more of a fantasy. I fantasize about someone walking into my job and shooting me and crazy stuff like that and it makes me happy. Things happen in 3s, apparently. What an awful trio.

 

The part that bothers me the most and makes me most upset at myself is the fact that my strongest emotion is still for my ex girlfriend. I just want to hug her and cry into her arms and yet, she's a complete stranger now and a person in my past. I have nobody in my city to talk to and am afraid to seek therapy because of the money. Each day is about surviving. I wake up, I cry in bed for awhile, force myself to shower, and try to do things. I'm probably going to have to put my dog to sleep and I honestly feel like that'll be the last straw.

 

The worst part about all of this how little people seem to care about it. The people in my city that are aware of it have told me they're sorry but still expect me to become a gym hero, kick ass at work, and shake it all off like it's soooo easy.

 

I really could use some calming words or advice. This forum is sadly my best venue in a time like this because outside of my family that is far away from me, nobody in my personal life is there for me. I think I am stuck in a deep shock and it hasn't fully hit me what has transpired in my life. I will never be the same.

 

I can't afford to take a leave of absence from work. I'm not in a good place financially but work is giving me deep depression. It's a quiet job and you spend a lot of the day by yourself with nothing but your thoughts.

Edited July 30, 2018 by JayHarris

[d0nnivain]

I am so terribly sorry for your losses. You took 3 big blows all in a row.

 

Check out a website called petloss dot com. It's a place where you can grieve with other pet owners. It's not creepy or weird. People will help you through that loss. They have a candle light ceremony on Monday's to honor our fur friends who have crossed to Rainbow Bridge. Try to imagine your friend & the dog together.

 

I think there are support groups out there for friends & family who have lost someone to a drunk driver. The suddenness of that is difficult to fathom.

 

All you can really do is take one day at a time but know there are support groups out there.

 

I found great comfort in my religion after a series of deaths in my family. Maybe your faith can sustain you.

[JayHarris]

Thank you d0nnivain.

 

That was hard to type. I meant to say that Saturday* instead of last Saturday. I wake up paralyzed in by bed every morning and have to push hard to get out of bed and start my day.

[shockandawed]

You have definitely taken some hits, and have every reason to be feeling the way you do. I am sorry for this.

 

 

 

IMO, your dog is really the only area you can make an impact at this point, so I would try to focus all of my energy on that. Put the ex on hold for awhile.

 

 

 

I am assuming for the time being your dog is not in much pain. If so, I would concentrate on making the little time you have together as awesome as possible. Make a dog bucket list. Maybe you take him on a weekend roadtrip. Show him places he has never seen. Maybe this is God's way of clearing the clutter out of your life so you can focus on making your dogs last days on earth as wonderful as possible. I certainly don't mean the loss of your friend, but possibly your ex. You are your dogs entire world, and for the remainder of his time, you should make him your entire world.

 

 

 

I have gone through nasty and unexpected breakups, and have taken more than one of my fur members to the Rainbow Bridge. I never faced these at the same time, but looking back, I can assure you I would have wanted to do all I could for the dogs, and not have dwelled so much on my ex.

[Hoosfoos]

I am terribly sorry for your losses.This is incredibly difficult, but somehow you will get through. Trust me on that. And you will be so much stronger and compassionate because of it.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I am so terribly sorry for your losses. You took 3 big blows all in a row.

 

Check out a website called petloss dot com. It's a place where you can grieve with other pet owners. It's not creepy or weird. People will help you through that loss. They have a candle light ceremony on Monday's to honor our fur friends who have crossed to Rainbow Bridge. Try to imagine your friend & the dog together.

 

I think there are support groups out there for friends & family who have lost someone to a drunk driver. The suddenness of that is difficult to fathom.

 

All you can really do is take one day at a time but know there are support groups out there.

 

I found great comfort in my religion after a series of deaths in my family. Maybe your faith can sustain you.

 

 

 

This pet loss group was wonderful for me in the past.

[CantTakeMySmile]

You have definitely taken some hits, and have every reason to be feeling the way you do. I am sorry for this.

 

 

 

IMO, your dog is really the only area you can make an impact at this point, so I would try to focus all of my energy on that. Put the ex on hold for awhile.

 

 

 

I am assuming for the time being your dog is not in much pain. If so, I would concentrate on making the little time you have together as awesome as possible. Make a dog bucket list. Maybe you take him on a weekend roadtrip. Show him places he has never seen. Maybe this is God's way of clearing the clutter out of your life so you can focus on making your dogs last days on earth as wonderful as possible. I certainly don't mean the loss of your friend, but possibly your ex. You are your dogs entire world, and for the remainder of his time, you should make him your entire world.

 

 

 

I have gone through nasty and unexpected breakups, and have taken more than one of my fur members to the Rainbow Bridge. I never faced these at the same time, but looking back, I can assure you I would have wanted to do all I could for the dogs, and not have dwelled so much on my ex.

 

 

I agree with this. I have done the doggie bucket list for my babies who had to go as well. If I wasn't at work, I was with my dog, making memories. It makes it much easier to look back on to remember those good times. As far as your ex? Forget about it. Look at what is important here, and what you can control. Your ex is neither.

[CrazyKatLady]

You are a strong man. This is terrible news all around for you and it sucks to have to go through so many losses at once. I feel your pain. I had moved on for the most part from the last guy who was just around to get what he could from me a few monthsback when...poof...he pops up on my messenger the second I reconnect it on my phone. He only wanted to see me for a hookup, which I am not into sex without marriage. I really want to respect my Christian values with God in the ways I didn't but always wanted to in my past...it hurt to block him again. But who would want someone there who is endangering them by public sex acts with kids around? It is dangerous and his suggestions scared me, tbh. Out of all we lose, I wonder why these exes pull at us the most as well? Hope all gets better soon and you can find someone to care about you the way you think is best. God bless.

[M1128Y]

Hi all,

 

I had a really sad breakup like many here have unfortunately experienced. Came out of nowhere and she dumped me when I thought things were strong. I was given silly reasons and got fed breadcrumbs that ended up leaving me even more hurt. I fought off obsessive thoughts for a long time and a small(stupid) part of me still fantasizes about this woman being in my life. <SNIP>

 

I'm not going through nearly as much as you are, nor have I ever, so I won't pretend that I have.

 

Recently, what I've been going through is a breakup. I was with a woman for three years in total and lived with her for about two. I thought I'd have kids with her. No, the relationship wasn't perfect, but I loved her and thought that we'd settle down together. I'm 33 and don't have much going for me, don't have any money, live with my parents; however, I am going to college for computer science. Well, she broke it off with me, after we had a huge fight about a guy I caught her texting. She was flirting with this guy and basically monkey branching out of our relationship, while telling me she wanted to be with me and that she'd give me an opportunity to resolve some issues she had with me. In actuality, that was a lie and she had already moved on. She's probably going out with the guy now. In fact, she has already admitted to having sex with him a week after she broke up with me. What's more, she doesn't want to talk to me for "a while," until things settle, which is understandable and a healthy decision for both of us. That doesn't stop the pain though.

 

Regardless, the reason I'm mentioning this is because I have no social net either and my family is dysfunctional, offering little support. I do have a friend, but his friendship is a far-cry from the connection I had with this girl. He's a great person and a childhood friend, but I'm just being honest. The pain is great. So, what I've been trying to do is talk to God. God has always been a thing in my head, but I never really tried committing myself to Him. I've always been distracted by a girl in my life, a video game, or a hobby. There was always something. Now I feel like I have nothing, so I'm trying to approach God. I don't know how it'll work out, but the bible is filled with God's promises of making things right, wiping every tear away, and having a plan for every person's life. You just need to follow Him, which is what I'm trying to do. Hopefully, my life will be corrected and I'll finally become fulfilled. The path He gives me may be difficult, but it will be the right and fruitful one--or it may be easier. I don't know. The point is it will be the correct path and not another dead-end.

 

My suggestion to you is to ask God for forgiveness and help and to start reading the Bible. Ask Him to lead you into the right direction. Ask Him for strength.

 

I hope you get better.

Edited August 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JayHarris]

I think I am going to seek professional help. I cry myself to sleep every night and cry when I wake up. I just feel so dead inside. I can't continue this fight alone or I will lose.

[BaileyB]

I think I am going to seek professional help. I cry myself to sleep every night and cry when I wake up. I just feel so dead inside. I can't continue this fight alone or I will lose.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. I had a terrible year in 2011, with so many losses that I thought I would never smile or find joy again. Counselling helped. You don't have to fight this alone. You've made a good decision.

 

I don't know where you live, but I would talk to your doctor to see if there is a way they could make a referral that would help with the cost. Or, use your Employee Assistance Plan, if you have one.

 

It does get better, but it is a journey. It's hard to imagine on those dark, lonely nights that you will find joy again... But, you will. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other... You will get to a better place. Best wishes.

Edited August 28, 2018 by BaileyB

[JayHarris]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I had a terrible year in 2011, with so many losses that I thought I would never smile or find joy again. Counselling helped. You don't have to fight this alone. You've made a good decision.

 

I don't know where you live, but I would talk to your doctor to see if there is a way they could make a referral that would help with the cost. Or, use your Employee Assistance Plan, if you have one.

 

It does get better, but it is a journey. It's hard to imagine on those dark, lonely nights that you will find joy again... But, you will. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other... You will get to a better place. Best wishes.

 

Thank you. I had a really bad moment the other day that almost resulted in death. I felt ashamed and reflected on how badly I would hurt the few that do care about me and don't want to be in that spot ever again.

 

I just hope the money isn't too much.

[BaileyB]

Thank you. I had a really bad moment the other day that almost resulted in death. I felt ashamed and reflected on how badly I would hurt the few that do care about me and don't want to be in that spot ever again.

 

I just hope the money isn't too much.

 

A sure sign that you need to find a counsellor. Or, a hotline. Or, a family member.

 

Best wishes.

[KatCha]

You are a strong man, it sucks that these events have brought you so low, but you can get through this. I too have experienced a LOT of heartache recently. I tried to move away from a university to go to another university I got accepted at that had a masters program in what I want to major in. It was over 5 hours away. I packed a few bags, hopped on a bus with my son and guinea pig and when I got an hour away from where I was supposed to go, I panicked at the bus station because it was a huge city. I realized I wasn't prepared financially or emotionally for such a huge change. I felt so small in such a huge place. I called my sons dad (we have been separated for almost 10 years) and he said I could stay with him for a few months until I got re-enrolled into the college back in my hometown. With relief, I jumped on a bus and headed back. It was a nightmare when I got there. That same night, I realized he was laying on the floor beside me, masturbating and he ended up flinging it onto my shoulder. I laid there quietly at first, tears rolling down my face, wondering what was going on. The abuse was horrendous for the next three months. I couldn't leave the house, or even the front porch if he was not present, I was in fear for my life. I woke up to him fondling me while I was sleeping, and every night he told me what a sl*t I was for everyone else (I dated 2 guys in the last 7-8 years-not that it was any of his business) and wouldn't give it up for him. The verbal abuse, yelling, name calling, shaming, and guilt trips were bad enough, but him masturbating every night next to me even when I asked him to stop, makes me break down inside. I went to a store a few weeks ago and tried to not cry when I was at the counter holding the gun I was going to purchase to shoot myself with that day after I left there and bought some ammunition. I thought it would never get better, that I was going to die-maybe he would kill me, or maybe I would just do it myself. I held that gun in my hand, I fell in love with it instantly, I picked my weapon of choice and I rejoiced in my head and smiled so big. I went to go cash my check, and for some reason, I had problems every store I went to, and was unable to cash it until the next day, even though I had not had problems before with this. I am alive today because of that. And I thank God everyday. I am not ashamed to say I cried every day and night and held it in my hand and loved it at that time. But, I do know that not everyone is as blessed as I am. Don't do it. That is what I would tell you. Pray for a way out. Keep on going. I am out of that house now, and everyday gets a little better. I still have a long way to go, but it is better than where I was that day. I will pray for you. I hope your break comes now. It sounds like you need it. Hugs baby-doll. You are going to make it through this and someone wonderful is going to love you and your dog will always be a bright spot in your heart, now it is your turn to give him a peaceful ending if need be, just like he/she always brought you a measure of happiness and peace. You can do that for your dog. Get better soon. Praying for you!

[FMW]

JayHarris, I hope you have found a therapist to help you get through this. Sometimes life seems to just deliver one hit after another. It completely upends your life for a while, nothing seems to make sense.

 

I visited a therapist once at one of my lowest moments and it really made a difference. I didn't continue seeing her but was able to take away from the one session that my feeling crazy was completely normal under the circumstances. That had weirdly been my worse fear, that I was losing my mind. I wasn't - I just had never experienced so many hits at one time.

 

Missing your girlfriend being at the top of your mind is because you are looking for comfort and security, and at least for a time she was that source for you so it's normal that you are experiencing your strongest emotion about her.

 

It's so cliche, I know, but true - be kind and patient with yourself, it will just take time. Try writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal. For many, including me, that helps. Actually writing (or typing into the computer) things out can help to clarify what you are feeling and why.

 

But since you had a serious moment of danger recently with coping with this you really should seek out help with a therapist. Go once, see what you think, you don't have to make a commitment to ongoing sessions.