Should I divorce?

[zao]

I am married and we have two children around the age of 10. I met my wife when I was 20. After we broke up, I had a few other girlfriends, but we got back together eventually.

At 26 my wife accidentally got pregnant. Three years later we had our second child.

We’ve had our ups and downs, but in general our marriage is good.

 

Now there’s a woman at work that I’m in love with. I’ve known her for a few years now. She is attractive, smart, she challenges me intellectually in a way that my wife never could. We can talk for hours. My coworker doesn’t know I have these feelings for her. We do flirt, but we keep our professional distance. We never spoke about our feelings. I did tell her once I liked her over my other coworkers. She is single btw.

 

I’m starting to have doubts about my marriage. I love my wife and I would never cheat on her, but I cannot get this woman out of my head. I have had crushes on other women during my marriage, but this feels different. My wife is not happy about it, but still believes it will fade. However, my feelings are only growing stronger.

 

Any advice?

[d0nnivain]

Cut all contact with the other women & pour all your energy into your marriage. By interacting with the other woman you are endangering your marriage.

[zao]

Cut all contact with the other women & pour all your energy into your marriage. By interacting with the other woman you are endangering your marriage.

 

Finding another job isn’t so easy and this job offers me carreer opportunities that won’t be so easy somewhere else.

And what should I tell her if I do quit? We have become friends over the years, she’ll want to know why I quit.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't say you had to quit. I said you had to stop interacting with her. No lunches, no social media & no texting / talking after work about non-work things. You absolutely stop the flirting.

 

If she asks you tell her that you are rededicating yourself to your marriage. Unless she's an idiot, she will understand that you see her as temptation so you prefer to keep your distance. You don't have to spell it out.

[BaileyB]

And what should I tell her if I do quit? We have become friends over the years, she’ll want to know why I quit.

 

I agree with Donnovain. You need to stop the personal conversations and no more private time with the other woman.

 

I hope this doesn’t mean that you are more concerned with the other woman’s feelings concerning the loss of your friendship than your marriage...

[Mr. Lucky]

Finding another job isn’t so easy and this job offers me carreer opportunities that won’t be so easy somewhere else.

And what should I tell her if I do quit? We have become friends over the years, she’ll want to know why I quit.

 

No one has said you should quit. But your response clearly indicates your priorities - which aren't your wife and marriage.

 

Have you ever asked yourself what this woman represents to you? I think this is less about her and more about your inability to be present in your marriage. If she's a "friend", don't drag her into the middle of this.

 

My wife is not happy about it, but still believes it will fade. However, my feelings are only growing stronger.

 

What conversations have you had with your wife about this? They'd probably be more productive within the context of marriage counseling....

 

Mr. Lucky

[Filly4thirteen]

I have recently gone through (going through) a divorce in which my wife developed feelings for another man. obviously this escalated into a full blown affair long before I knew anything. If she would have cake to

Me and told me she had feeling s for another man and I was made aware I most

 

Likely would given my marriage as much as I could (not that I wasn’t before) I would have respected her a lot more of she was honest before she selfishly made a decision to spread her legs for this man behind my back. My advice from an outsider looking in is either, one, man up and realize you are married and have two children.

 

You are not the only one effected by this. Get your emotions for this other woman out of the way and realize your an adult and have made a commitment to your family. Or , two , give your wife the respect she deserves and let her go before you become physically intimate with this woman, which is only a matter of time. Accept the fact you are playing Russian roulette with your own feeling and that of your family. Either way is going to be hard.

 

If you can set your own feeling aside and make a rational decision everyone will be better off. Ask yourself what is best for your wife. To have a husband who cares enough to let me go to find true love instead of destroying her. Or having a husband strong enough to let his own desires go for the sake of his family. I would plead you go with the ladder but the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

I’m a little biased because mine has been going on for 6 months and I was not aware. To me this was the cruelest form of abuse I’ve ever had to deal with. Don’t do that to another person please.

Edited August 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[OatsAndHall]

You are married and you have children. You are talking about ending all of that because of an infatuation with another woman... Seriously, think about your family, seek marriage counseling and stay away from your crush.

[sdraw108]

This post should be in the cheating section, because that is what you have been doing. If you don't believe me, google the term "emotional cheating" or "emotional affair". You don't have to get physical for it to be cheating, nor does the object of your desire have to even be aware of it.

 

If you can't bring yourself to be faithful for your wife's sake, then do it for your children. They deserve a father who is committed to the family.

 

Once you bring a child into the world, you have a moral duty to them that overrides some of the personal freedoms that you used to enjoy.

[carhill]

We do flirt, but we keep our professional distance. We never spoke about our feelings.

OK, so no private stuff and always at work.

 

My wife is not happy about it, but still believes it will fade.

Cool, she's disclosed as to current events so there's no deception.

 

Should you divorce? IMO, yes, but not because of the co-worker, rather because you don't appear to be sincerely bonded to and in love with your spouse. You're young, the foundation was shaky and the kids are apparently the main glue. Deal with it as calmly as possible, focus on the kids and free both of you up to find sincere and healthy bonds in the future.

 

Oh, and this:

My coworker doesn’t know I have these feelings for her.

Ha, don't kid yourself. Women know. Men are lightweights when it comes to that stuff. Women are the pros.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Oh, and this:

Ha, don't kid yourself. Women know. Men are lightweights when it comes to that stuff. Women are the pros.

 

We know someone has a crush or is attracted to us but that does not necessarily mean we are interested or return actual feelings.