Dating after Divorce & Moving On with Life

[cooldude123]

My Ex ended a 6 year long marriage recently. It was a Sex starved One and we lost out of the physical attraction and the love chemistry had died a long time ago. Although I was deeply emotionally connected to her, she did not feel the same way and the marriage ended. I am no longer in touch with her and I have blocked her from all my communications.

 

Now that I have decided to move on, I have created a number of profiles across all dating sites. Recently I met a girl on one such site and I liked her pictures. She liked mine too. We conversed a few days and spoke for at least an hour every time. An impromptu situation came up and she wanted to meet me over the weekend. I was all excited hoping it would be a great day. There was enthusiasm and chemistry before I met her as I was attracted to her pictures as well.

 

So I met her, and handed over a bouquet and sweets. Appears when I saw her physically, (she had no make up on unlike what showed in her pics) all my enthusiasm and the spark died down instantly and we chatted just like friends. There was no chemistry or anything between us. She was not the real representation of what she looked like in pictures. She also felt uncomfortable with me and so did I. Anyways, we spent about 5 hours chit chatting like good friends but nothing about taking steps forward. And I guess she realized as well that I was not interested either.

 

After having a walk together and finishing dinner she thanked me for coming to visit her and wished me. I did the same and left. Later we texted each other acknowledging that there was no chemistry or the spark between us to continue. I gave a lame excuse that probably I was not able to proceed further as I may have not moved on completely and still remembering my ex.

 

Have a few Questions to forum readers, if you can help me -

1. Has anyone come across this situation?
   
2. Is this common for folks meeting each other on dating sites?
   
3. Is this because, my subconscious is still unable to let go off my ex although there was no attraction to her as well?
   
4. Am I jumping too fast as its not even been a month since I divorced?
   
5. If this happens again, should i still meet for few more dates or converse regularly to see if the feelings build up?
   
6. What should I do to change my approach?
   

Edited July 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Gaeta]

1. Has anyone come across this situation?
   
2. Is this common for folks meeting each other on dating sites?
   
3. Is this because, my subconscious is still unable to let go off my ex although there was no attraction to her as well?
   
4. Am I jumping too fast as its not even been a month since I divorced?
   
5. If this happens again, should i still meet for few more dates or converse regularly to see if the feelings build up?
   
6. What should I do to change my approach?
   

 

 

1. All of us that did online came across this situation 10s of times.

 

 

 

2. Most singles meet on dating sites nowadays. I met my boyfriend there, my brother met his wife there, my daughter met her bf on okcupid, my friends, and the list goes on.

 

 

 

3. No, it will take a lot of meeting before you find someone you connect with. I met over 200 men in 3 years before finding someone that would turn into a long term relationship. I had many many 1-2 dates that went nowhere, many 1-2 months that went nowhere. It's like throwing the dices. You can find right away or you can take months or a couple of years.

 

 

 

4. Yes you are jumping too fast and you should be content to date casually. Tell the ladies you are just out of a marriage and looking to date with no serious commitment in view for now.

 

 

 

5. Meet asap, you don't want to build a connection online, the real test is when you meet face to face. Don't bring all of your 1st date to restaurant, you will ruin yourself just invite them out for a coffee, an ice cream or a walk in a park. Keep your money for the 2-3rd date.

 

 

 

6. Nothing, you seem to be doing just fine.

 

 

 

Go check the *dating* section of this forum it's full of stories of people trying online dating.

Edited July 30, 2018 by Gaeta

[cooldude123]

Thank you. This is a helpful list to start with. Its an unknown world and I am curious to find whats out there. I guess probably rather than having phone call, its better to do a video chat to take it forward. I am unsure but still learning.

[cooldude123]

So is it normal for my libido to drop to 0 when i come across a girl who i saw pics on dating site ,U had high desire before meeting and met in real for first time? I experienced it when I met her and my libido literally dropped to zero!

[Striver]

So is it normal for my libido to drop to 0 when i come across a girl who i saw pics on dating site ,U had high desire before meeting and met in real for first time? I experienced it when I met her and my libido literally dropped to zero!

 

Then don't spend so much time looking at the pix. Do a once over and a meet. You know the pix aren't that helpful now.

[PegNosePete]

1. Has anyone come across this situation?
   
2. Is this common for folks meeting each other on dating sites?
   
3. Is this because, my subconscious is still unable to let go off my ex although there was no attraction to her as well?
   
4. Am I jumping too fast as its not even been a month since I divorced?
   
5. If this happens again, should i still meet for few more dates or converse regularly to see if the feelings build up?
   
6. What should I do to change my approach?
   

1 & 2. Yes it's very common. This is why it's wise to not buy flowers and sweets for everyone you meet, and to arrange a simple drink rather than a full dinner for a first meeting. Otherwise you will go broke very fast. When you get the "no spark" thing, just say thanks for meeting but you don't feel there is a connection and move on.

 

3 & 4. Could be. It takes time to get over a long relationship. You'll have to answer this yourself.

 

5. Well, depends on your answer to 3 & 4 really. If you're just out of the game and need a bit of practice then go for it. If you're really not ready to date yet, then no.

 

6. Talk less before meeting. Don't have any expectations or build any emotional connection before meeting. Many people use old/inaccurate pictures and/or lie on dating sites. Meet in a more casual manner. Learn how to charm.

 

So is it normal for my libido to drop to 0 when i come across a girl who i saw pics on dating site ,U had high desire before meeting and met in real for first time? I experienced it when I met her and my libido literally dropped to zero!

If you didn't fancy her in real life then it's totally normal. Not only did you not fancy her but your bubble of expectations was suddenly burst as well.

 

When you meet someone who does look like their pics, or better, then this won't be a problem at all.

[cooldude123]

Then don't spend so much time looking at the pix. Do a once over and a meet. You know the pix aren't that helpful now.

 

Yes. I have decided to save money on that rather than spending unnecessary. In fact this was my first date since a decade or more. I have never done dating before. I was more of a married one man guy in a monogamous relationship. Now i am slowly getting the hang of it.

Edited July 31, 2018 by cooldude123

[cooldude123]

1 & 2. Yes it's very common. This is why it's wise to not buy flowers and sweets for everyone you meet, and to arrange a simple drink rather than a full dinner for a first meeting. Otherwise you will go broke very fast. When you get the "no spark" thing, just say thanks for meeting but you don't feel there is a connection and move on.

 

3 & 4. Could be. It takes time to get over a long relationship. You'll have to answer this yourself.

 

5. Well, depends on your answer to 3 & 4 really. If you're just out of the game and need a bit of practice then go for it. If you're really not ready to date yet, then no.

 

6. Talk less before meeting. Don't have any expectations or build any emotional connection before meeting. Many people use old/inaccurate pictures and/or lie on dating sites. Meet in a more casual manner. Learn how to charm.

 

 

If you didn't fancy her in real life then it's totally normal. Not only did you not fancy her but your bubble of expectations was suddenly burst as well.

 

When you meet someone who does look like their pics, or better, then this won't be a problem at all.

 

Thank you Pete. Above points are very helpful. I am still learning to get the hang of it as this is my first dating experience ever. Also I have this wierd psychological phenomenon, where I try to equate virtual life(Pics) to real life image. If they dont match or if the real life image is not better, my libido simply fades away. In fact it just disappears so fast my head keeps spinning. I don't know why i am like this and what needs to be done to overcome such a phsycological phenomenon. I definitely fantasize about meeting the other person and spending something romantic. I get romantic and vivid dreams as well. But real life becomes so different. No libido No excitement.

Sometimes in order to overcome my stress, I watch porn (I know it is bad) and masturbate around it. This had become an addiction as well for a long time for me. But i don't know a way to manage my emotions and feelings other way when I am disappointed. Any thoughts / suggestions?

[Mrin]

OP: ok I was once like you. Fresh out of a 12 year marriage. Here's the thing - you don't know how to date. You know how to "husband". You know how to "committed relationship". You don't know how to date.

 

The only way to learn how to date is to... Date. As others have said - keep it light. Drinks. Coffee. Meet quickly. Don't get radar lock on one woman. Go in with appropriate expectations.

 

Truth: you will screw up. A lot. Like full on head smacking screw ups. Don't worry about it. Just learn from them.

 

Here is my policy: I will only meet up with a woman if I am 99% certain I can have a fun conversation with them. Nothing more. My expectations are usually met and I enjoy myself. Sometimes there is chemistry and that can lead to other dates. Sometimes there is explosive mind bending chemistry and that can lead to other fun. But a lot of the time there isn't. At least for me. And that's okay because hey, I had a fun conversation.

 

Truth: most women have very flattering pics on their OLD profiles. And why wouldn't they? Don't get fixated on their pics because the one thing you know is that the real Them is going to be different from the story Them you make up looking at their pics. The threshold I use for pics is: do I find them attractive and can I recognize them in the coffee shop or bar where we meet.

 

Truth: nothing is real until you meet. And whatever happened or was said before you meet doesn't matter once you meet. Granted - lies and untruths still matter but that's about it.

 

Above all: have fun and don't be a d*ck. They're people too.

[cooldude123]

I wanted to know something from your perspective. Is chemistry or Spark a MUST thing before we proceed further after first date? Will it not build over a period of time? How does it work?

[Gaeta]

I wanted to know something from your perspective. Is chemistry or Spark a MUST thing before we proceed further after first date? Will it not build over a period of time? How does it work?

 

 

It works differently with different people and it works differently if you're a man or a woman.

 

I had many dates filled with sparks and it went nowhere after a couple of months. It was all about sexual attraction and nothing really united us like common interests and common values.

 

My current relationship I didn't feel a spark, it built over a few dates and I am crazy in love with my boyfriend. My boyfriend told me he felt instant attraction toward me otherwise he would not have seen me again. We are in a happy relationship today but we had different starts.

 

I suspect you'll experience many sparks and butterflies. It happens often when we're recently single and someone gives us their attention again. I have seen men coming out of 25 year marriage and falling madly for their first date and calling her 'the woman of their life', they didn't even know her yet. It's a phase and it passes.

[cooldude123]

I assume this chemistry lasts only for a few months in the begining of the relationship and fades away as time goes by? or will it last in some way forever ?

[Mrin]

Ah the elusive chemistry... man, if we figured that out I think society would be a much happier place. It works differently for different people. You kinda have to figure out how it works for you and the only way to really do that is to experience it. I can share my experiences though...

 

Chemistry for me is everything. It is impossible to describe with words. Sure, it is sexual tension. Attraction. But it is so much more. Desire. Thirst. Pleasure. Pain. It moves me emotionally like nothing else moves me. I could wax on and on about what it is to me and really only confuse the matter in the long run.

 

So i'll talk about how it works for me. As others have said - it isn't a spark. I've had lots of sparks that fizzled. Chemistry for me isn't always there on the first date. Or in the "text/chat" lead up to the first date when it comes to OLD. In fact, I remember one date in particular where there wasn't any chemistry in our first date - even though it lasted something like 7 hours. I gave it a second date and chemistry sort of exploded all over the place. It grew and kept growing. 4 years later it is probably bigger now than it has ever been before and get this - we aren't even dating. We broke up over a year ago and closed the door to a romantic partnership a while ago. But you get us on the same call or *gulp* in the same room and stuff like light bends and gravity distorts.

 

Chemistry can be forever. At least for me it can. And it isn't always readily apparent on date 1.

 

Does this help?

 

Mrin

[Gaeta]

I assume this chemistry lasts only for a few months in the begining of the relationship and fades away as time goes by? or will it last in some way forever ?

 

 

Chemistry last for a life time. It's what makes you laugh together, what makes you finish each other's sentences, it's what makes you feel 'at home' with each other.

 

 

 

Butterflies and sparks are something else. It's a physical reaction in the brain that makes you feel good. This will eventually settle and be replaced by another type of feel-good feeling. Or it dies and becomes nothing and you realize it was just a spark and nothing else. I'd say a spark alone or an infatuation can last a few months, under 6 months most of the time.

Edited July 31, 2018 by Gaeta

[cooldude123]

Lol.. those were some pretty good explanations from both Mrin and Gaeta.

So let me ask this way. In relationship, with time comes - understanding, trust and emotional attachment and physical closeness. However obviously the physical attraction will definitely fade away as days progress. So what is it that should last in a relationship to make it flourish until we grow old together and die happily?

[Gaeta]

Lol.. those were some pretty good explanations from both Mrin and Gaeta.

So let me ask this way. In relationship, with time comes - understanding, trust and emotional attachment and physical closeness. However obviously the physical attraction will definitely fade away as days progress. So what is it that should last in a relationship to make it flourish until we grow old together and die happily?

 

The 1 million dollar question everyone wants the answer :-)

 

At 52 years old, with a 15 year marriage in my past, a divorce, a few relationships since I'd say respect & consideration toward each other is way high on the list, followed by complicity, common interests and a common desire to nourish the relationship.

 

In my previous relationships we had different interests, we had different life styles, my ex-h was a night owl and I am a morning person, and my past relationships just seemed hard all the time. With my current bf everything is easy, we didn't have a disagreement in 2,5 years, we simply want the same things and enjoy the same things and we both respect each other's limits.

 

Of course I picked my current bf at an older age. I met him at 50 when I had learn many life lessons, and he also had learn many lessons so we both picked 'better' and picked 'wiser'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

[Mrin]

Lol.. those were some pretty good explanations from both Mrin and Gaeta.

So let me ask this way. In relationship, with time comes - understanding, trust and emotional attachment and physical closeness. However obviously the physical attraction will definitely fade away as days progress. So what is it that should last in a relationship to make it flourish until we grow old together and die happily?

 

OP, sorry for the slow reply. Lost track of this thread.

 

Physical attraction vs sexual attraction: So... I suggest looking at it a different way - sexual rather than physical attraction. Bodies age and change. That's for sure. But when I really bond with a woman and become connected, her physical appearance becomes only part of my overall sexual attraction to her. Other parts grow with closeness. Love. Masculine/feminine dynamics. Trust/vulnerability etc... So, while the physical aspects may wane, the sexual attraction can grow and grow. I'm in my mid 40's and I am sure some day my libido will cool off. Maybe.

 

To your bigger question - I think it all comes down to compatibility, trust, respect and vulnerability. That's how you grow old and die happy together.

[littleblackheart]

In relationship, with time comes - understanding, trust and emotional attachment and physical closeness. However obviously the physical attraction will definitely fade away as days progress. So what is it that should last in a relationship to make it flourish until we grow old together and die happily?

 

So I have next to zero experience in that matter and I'm in the same boat as you (near 4 years out of official divorce) though I'm not dating (never have, don't know how to, not my thing).

 

I would say based on observation and introspection that there's only so much you can theorise about.

 

I'm sure you will know what to do when you actually meet that person that will make you want to keep going even when things get difficult.

 

From seeing successful relationships around me, what's keeping them going is going through the bad stuff as a couple without judgement, resentment or guilt trips, as a team; I'm now convinced that the real test in a relationship comes when things go pear-shaped and you know you can count on your partner to have your back as you have theirs.

 

I guess the tricky part is to find that person and lock them down - that I can't help with

[cooldude123]

This is exactly what i trusted my ex with hoping she would move with me through the difficult times. Unfortunately she gave up this marraige and decided to leave me alone in the aftermath.

I had given full trust in her which is my mistake.

The psyche of a second marraige lies solely on how well you can let fo off your past and trust the new person you meet without any past factor judgement. And you would expect the same out of your new partner as well. This is the difficult part I guess! I know for some as soon as you meet the new person its like a spark and they speak as if they have known each other for ages. For some communication never triggers and others it may build up over a period of time. May be time will tell how worthy i am to this world and how well i am perceived by social beings?