Anger and how to deal when you're pushed

[hardwired]

Hi folks. I have been in a serious relationship with a woman for just over a year. I am divorced, she's finishing up an ugly divorce, I have kids (11 and 14) and she has kids (18 and 16). In the earlier months we went through some growing pains, almost always centered around the difficulties of balancing a new relationship with me having younger kids - I have my kids every weekend (Fri-Monday morning). When it comes to being what I felt is wrongly accused or given crap for something I don't feel I deserve, righteous indignation kicks in and if it got to a point, I would get very angry. I am defensive about my kid and my time with them. She has been very accommodating and is great with my kids, but sometimes she gets frustrated with us never having a weekend alone together (or rarely anyway).

 

We both brought in bad past behaviors when it came to conflict, from our old marriages. Both got very defensive and wouldn't hear the other person, until later, when things calmed down and we looked at each other's perspectives.

 

In the past few months we have come a long way - the blowups have been replaced with patient listening, empathy and calmly working things out - it's been really great, and I haven't had an angry outburst in maybe 3-4 months. And for her part, she's looked at her own triggering behaviors and been much better about how she expresses herself when something is bothering her. We communicate really well. I definitely have a temper and can get very angry if I feel I've been wronged (never physical or name calling - but I turn into a pitbull litigator, basically). My dad was a prosecutor, and I'm good at using logic and facts - but of course for her, that does nothing but get her on the defensive (i.e. "it's not about facts and logic, it's about how I feel"). I'm learning how this works (after all these years) and that mostly she doesn't need me to fix things or be logical, rather just to let her vent and be emotional, then she'll chill out. This is difficult for me!

 

Anyway, last night our several months long streak of calm and mature handling of challenges was decimated. I have some vacation days coming up, and I told her ahead of time I would (as I always do) have my kids for a couple of extra days this next weekend. That changed as their mom had plans for them one of those days (her days). So I told my girlfriend this - and that I would have to figure out something else. This was Saturday or so that I realized the original plan wouldn't work. I didn't immediately formulate a new plan as I needed to think on it and work out logistics.

 

So yesterday (Sunday), we do our normal morning texting. She asks me what the new plan is - and that she just found out her kids would be gone for the following week (I have 2 days off on that week). So she'd have a quiet house. Kind of a drag as I booked the week before that off - obviously not knowing at the time that her kids would be gone the following week.

 

She asks "so what's the plan?". I said, "I'm not sure right now, I have to figure it out, I don't have the calendar in front of me, but I'll figure it out today or tomorrow and let you know asap. I'll also need to coordinate something with the ex".

 

She didn't like that and continued to press and say "well why don't you do this?" I again said, I'll really need to have a calendar in front of me, and then check with the ex and figure it all out, but I will today or tomorrow and let you know the options asap, cool?'

 

Anyway, this went on for over an hour. She kept demanding to know right then what was happening. In a bunch f different ways I said I'm just really not equipped to give you the plan right this minute - it's Sunday morning and I'll need a little time to figure it out - I'll do it today, OK?"

 

Still not good enough - she'd say "ok" but then jump back into wanting an answer right then. I was getting frustrated and stressed and could feel the cortisol and adrenaline start to rise. Finally I said "seriously, can we please discuss this later when I have the ability to to do? I really honestly cannot give you an answer right now - but I will today, I promise, OK?

 

Things got tense, and I texted "can we talk on the phone? This texting isn't working and something is getting lost in translation". She didn't reply. I got frustrated and kept calling and texting "hello? Are you free to talk?". She claimed she had a broken garage door to deal with and couldn't talk and got mad that I was annoyed that she didn't answer me.

 

Finally later last night I got her on the phone. I was frustrated and she was upset/pissed off. I calmly but firmly said "the only thing I can tell you for certain right now is what days I have booked off, I just need a tiny bit of time to coordinate a new plan - that's all I was asking - I wasn't shining you on or avoiding it - I just need a little time to figure it out".

 

She got mad and said "yeah I said OK but you were all annoyed, I wasn't demanding anything. I just don;t get why you couldn't just text your ex right then and make the plan". I said "you contradicted yourself there - you said you were ok with waiting and got it and in the same sentence said you did in fact expect me to deal with it right at the moment you wanted me to". Of course that pissed her off even more.

 

Then it went south and of course splintered off into other grievances she had, which was an entirely different topic. She also said "you should have told me you would figure it out TODAY and let me know". I said "that's what I said - that's exactly what I said I would do". "No you didn't..."

 

Anyway it got ugly and she was gaslighting me and I felt very manipulated. I lost my temper and yelled at her "look at the f*cking texts and get back to reality - it's all right there". I hung up on her and then sent her multiple screenshots of me saying exactly that, about 5 different times "I'll figure it out today and let you know as soon as I do, cool?". Proof, right there - again, not what she wants to see. Evidence clearing me of something she's accused me of doesn't mean squat. This infuriates me.

 

I texted her that she was not being truthful, gaslighting me and that "you can't pull this **** with me". I was absolutely livid. I have been WAY better at controlling my anger - in fact I've displayed none for months now.

 

But she kept on, relentlessly demanding an answer RIGHT NOW, then denying she was doing so and claiming I didn't offer to figure it out later that day - when in fact that's precisely what I texted, many times over. So my righteous indignation flared and I lost my temper.

 

We haven't spoken since last night (I literally did not sleep). And now she'll be extremely hurt and I'll get the "I didn't deserve that" and a denial of the actual facts, regardless of how much hard evidence I have to back it up.

 

I am still angry, and although I feel I always apologize first when we fight like this (again - it's been a few months since we have) - I am not going to do that this time, as looking back, she was being unreasonable and demanding what she wanted NOW, even though I simply could not give her those answers at that exact moment.

 

I should not have hung up and yelled - I know this - but I felt so trapped, so backed into a corner, gaslighted and she would NOT let up, even after I pleaded wit her to stop asking me and just give me a few hours to get it sorted.

 

That was long - sorry. So, 2 questions - how does a person deal with a partner when they act that way - demanding something you can't provide right that second? What should I have done? Just said "I already told you I'll do it today but I can't do it now" and then go silent? That would enrage her. I can't keep saying the same thing over and over and over again and still get the same demand - it was driving me insane and giving me tremendous anxiety.

 

And secondly - how do I deal with this now? I love her dearly, 99% of the time things are amazing and loving...but when she gets in a "way", and openly defies logic and facts (again, she's way better at not doing that now too)...how do I deal with that? Angry outbursts are AWFUL and not productive...but when I get pushed past a certain point, my anger gets the better of me.

 

Advice?

 

Thank you.

Edited July 30, 2018 by hardwired

[Mr. Lucky]

Advice?

 

Thank you.

 

Yes, but I can almost guarantee it's not what you want to hear.

 

The two of you simply aren't ready for a "serious" relationship. You're divorced with kids, she's mid- (ugly) divorce with kids and there's a slew of priorities and competing forces that undermine the mindset one needs to successfully hold-up their end of a pairing.

 

It takes a while to get your personal act together following divorce. She's not there yet, perhaps not even close. Square peg, meet round hole. Sorry, sometimes such is life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hardwired]

Yes, but I can almost guarantee it's not what you want to hear.

 

The two of you simply aren't ready for a "serious" relationship. You're divorced with kids, she's mid- (ugly) divorce with kids and there's a slew of priorities and competing forces that undermine the mindset one needs to successfully hold-up their end of a pairing.

 

It takes a while to get your personal act together following divorce. She's not there yet, perhaps not even close. Square peg, meet round hole. Sorry, sometimes such is life...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

So if things are wonderful 99% of the time, and we are extremely loving with each other for that time, and make each other happy...I just walk away? I just bail on the only woman who's made me truly happy, ever?

[Gaeta]

So if things are wonderful 99% of the time, and we are extremely loving with each other for that time, and make each other happy...I just walk away? I just bail on the only woman who's made me truly happy, ever?

 

 

You are kidding yourself, what we've read is nowhere near 99% of the time happy. You are both on the rebound and building resentment by the minute. You said yourself you are bringing in a set of problems from your past, that's why it's important to remain alone after a divorce, to make peace with those problems and to not impose them on others in your new relationship.

[darkmoon]

at least stop taking each other's tempers seriously, both agree to do that, you both seem hell bent on winning atm, a power struggle but not a convo...

[hardwired]

You are kidding yourself, what we've read is nowhere near 99% of the time happy. You are both on the rebound and building resentment by the minute. You said yourself you are bringing in a set of problems from your past, that's why it's important to remain alone after a divorce, to make peace with those problems and to not impose them on others in your new relationship.

 

1 fight in nearly 4 months?

 

I've been divorced for 5 years. She's been separated for 5 - divorce has been taking forever due to financial issues. She had no interest in any kind of relationship until her friends finally convinced her to get out there. So, I'm not on the rebound (I dated a lot for those 4 some years)...I don't know if you would say she is, maybe.

 

Does all this growth and becoming healthier as a couple (save for this fight) over the past 4 months mean nothing? You think I'm fooling myself that I'm happy? I am, and the people around me have made mention of it many times.

 

Yes, I understand that divorce and kids from other marriages is challenging...but to just throw it all away...that seems so very harsh and impulsive. I feel I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I tossed away the only woman who I ever actually loved...I was in many relationships after my marriage ended, and I never once felt anything close to love.

 

Anyway, I was hoping for some advice on how to navigate anger, and how to deal with it when something like this comes up (which again is so rare...).

 

But I guess all the (overwhelmingly) goodness and happiness and joy we get from this is just fake? WTF. If that's the case, I have more pressing issues to deal with than the occasional spat - I must be delusional. Should I see a psychiatrist? Her as well?

 

So these aren’t challenges – they are signs that I should just dump her ass?

 

Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. Besides being absolutely devastated by the loss of this woman, I’d have a lot of friends and family slapping me upside the head asking what the hell I just threw away.

 

This just seems so harsh and giving up so easily, especially when we’ve come so far these past few months.

[Mr. Lucky]

So if things are wonderful 99% of the time, and we are extremely loving with each other for that time, and make each other happy...I just walk away? I just bail on the only woman who's made me truly happy, ever?

 

Like I said, not what you'll want to hear.

 

We can only go with what you post. And honestly, I don't know of any real-world relationships, my own included, that are wonderful 99% of the time.

 

There seems to be other agendas at play based on what you've described as the argument isn't really about your ability to plan a weekend. Since most anger is based in fear, what do you think she's afraid of?

 

Mr. Lucky

[hippychick3]

Well, just going by this scenario and assuming you're not leaving out any important details, I think you handled it well until the end. Her "demanding" an answer right then and there was very childish and immature. I think her reaction to you last night was due to hidden anger/resentment of your custody schedule. But, she knew your custody situation when she met you and agreed to be accommodating to that by agreeing to date you. It sounds like she's growing more resentful of that and it's manifesting in other ways.

 

As it's only been a year, I see many more problems arising in this relationship if she doesn't take accountability for her own actions and deal with her own baggage. You have 7 more years of this schedule...it's not like it will be changing anytime soon. That coupled with her emotional baggage makes for a grim outcome unless she is able to recognize this and work on it.

[hardwired]

Like I said, not what you'll want to hear.

 

We can only go with what you post. And honestly, I don't know of any real-world relationships, my own included, that are wonderful 99% of the time.

 

There seems to be other agendas at play based on what you've described as the argument isn't really about your ability to plan a weekend. Since most anger is based in fear, what do you think she's afraid of?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Fair enough, I was hyperbolizing with that percentage. It’s rare we fight anymore. Instead, if one of us has a concern, we voice it gently but honestly and the other person makes a point not to get defensive but rather empathize and listen.

 

Regarding her fear - that’s a great question. She’d voiced earlier on, closer to the start, that she fears she’s made all these changes, rearranged her life to be with me (this is true), and she thought it was one sided, that everything had stated status quo for me - my routine, etc. She fears me making decisions about things like vacation without her input or consideration, that she just kind of “goes along for the ride”. There is truth to that. So maybe it’s to do with that?

[hardwired]

Well, just going by this scenario and assuming you're not leaving out any important details, I think you handled it well until the end. Her "demanding" an answer right then and there was very childish and immature. I think her reaction to you last night was due to hidden anger/resentment of your custody schedule. But, she knew your custody situation when she met you and agreed to be accommodating to that by agreeing to date you. It sounds like she's growing more resentful of that and it's manifesting in other ways.

 

As it's only been a year, I see many more problems arising in this relationship if she doesn't take accountability for her own actions and deal with her own baggage. You have 7 more years of this schedule...it's not like it will be changing anytime soon. That coupled with her emotional baggage makes for a grim outcome unless she is able to recognize this and work on it.

 

She does resent never having a weekend alone. I know it bothers her. And yes, she knew that going into this. That was the crux of our arguments months ago. And it enraged me. What am I supposed to do about it? Yes, I get it sucks for her being locked down on weekends, but I don’t want to hear about it when I can’t do anything to change it...although I did agree to have my son babysit his sister on the occasional weekend so we could go out. She was pleased about that.

 

I agree her behaviour was immature. It has gotten SO much better but last night really, really pissed me off. I’ve told her before, back when we argued about this stuff - that that’s my life, I can’t change it, and if you can’t deal with it, we’ll, that’s not fair to you, so this probably won’t work. She did not accept that and was adamant we work through it.

 

So, I get that the consensus is I should just leave her. I’m not at that point right now...I just can’t even imagine it.

 

Meantime, does anyone have advice on what to do right now with this particular situation (save for just dumping her ass)?

[hardwired]

Well, normally we talk every day at lunch, I didn’t reach out today, which was a first. She just texted “I love you, I hope you’re ok”.

[Gaeta]

Slow down.

 

 

You made it sound in your story that you were both recently divorced and you had an ongoing anger problem in your relationship. You even said you were both bringing issues from the past. Details are important when you seek advice in a forum. I can't imagine after 5 years people still bring past issues in their relationships therefore I concluded it was new. As for your anger problem you need to seek professional help. I would not endure man yelling at me whether we've been dating 1 month or 5 years.

[hardwired]

Slow down.

 

 

You made it sound in your story that you were both recently divorced and you had an ongoing anger problem in your relationship. You even said you were both bringing issues from the past. Details are important when you seek advice in a forum. I can't imagine after 5 years people still bring past issues in their relationships therefore I concluded it was new.

 

Sorry, I just meant, that when we fought before, we each expected the other to pull the same **** our exes did...we talked at length about that and agreed that was dumb and unfair. That’s all I meant about that.

 

I admittedly do sometimes have an anger problem...nothing to do necessarily with my marriage...I can get very, very angry and intense. I’ve been working on it, reading and such and have greatly improved. Last night I took a step backwards and I’m not happy about it...I haven’t lost my temper in months.

Edited July 30, 2018 by hardwired

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

1. I saw the number "5" related to your partner's separation. Is that 5 years? How long ago was divorce filed? You got together about a year ago so I presume is was prior to that, or? How's the filing going? You stated the delay was due to financial issues. If the lawsuit is in the courts, the delays should be verifiable and detailed. How transparent is she about that stuff, including her own frustrations about it, if any.

 

2. How long has she been living alone? Has she shared anything about dating experiences prior to you?

 

3. Do you feel weaponizing your intellect is working here? Is that a habit from your past relationships or did it rear its head only in this circumstance?

 

Our MC once commented 'You can either be right or be in a relationship (marriage in our case)'

 

4. What's your focus and have either of you every gone through MC or IC with a professional psychologist?

 

5. Was your divorce amicable or?

 

Navigating anger is a toolbox thing, using tools to process stimulus response differently, presuming you don't wish to have anger drive your response matrix. I found MC helped a lot with that. However, it's something one has to want to work and change.

 

My close male friends who've been married for decades seem to have a common response when their wives go off the rails. They disengage with the promise to pick things up later. That was also advice our MC gave us, to validate the feelings of the moment but request a recess and promise to revisit, accepting that those feelings of the moment can be accepted as finished and the past. Wipe the emotional slate clean on that issue. Easy? Nope! One tool though.

 

Good luck!

[hippychick3]

She does resent never having a weekend alone. I know it bothers her. And yes, she knew that going into this. That was the crux of our arguments months ago. And it enraged me. What am I supposed to do about it? Yes, I get it sucks for her being locked down on weekends, but I don’t want to hear about it when I can’t do anything to change it...although I did agree to have my son babysit his sister on the occasional weekend so we could go out. She was pleased about that.

 

I agree her behaviour was immature. It has gotten SO much better but last night really, really pissed me off. I’ve told her before, back when we argued about this stuff - that that’s my life, I can’t change it, and if you can’t deal with it, we’ll, that’s not fair to you, so this probably won’t work. She did not accept that and was adamant we work through it.

 

So, I get that the consensus is I should just leave her. I’m not at that point right now...I just can’t even imagine it.

 

Meantime, does anyone have advice on what to do right now with this particular situation (save for just dumping her ass)?

 

I am not at all saying you should dump her. I said that your future with her is grim IF she does not take responsibility for her behavior and recognize her wrongdoing in this scenario (which is most likely hidden resentment about the schedule). If she truly insists on working through the conflicts of your schedule, then she needs to recognize her part in your fight. Don't be so quick to give in...apologize for hanging up on her and losing your temper but insist she look inward and tell you how she could have handled the situation differently.

Edited July 30, 2018 by hippychick3

[hardwired]

Welcome to LS....

 

1. I saw the number "5" related to your partner's separation. Is that 5 years? How long ago was divorce filed? You got together about a year ago so I presume is was prior to that, or? How's the filing going? You stated the delay was due to financial issues. If the lawsuit is in the courts, the delays should be verifiable and detailed. How transparent is she about that stuff, including her own frustrations about it, if any.

 

2. How long has she been living alone? Has she shared anything about dating experiences prior to you?

 

3. Do you feel weaponizing your intellect is working here? Is that a habit from your past relationships or did it rear its head only in this circumstance?

 

Our MC once commented 'You can either be right or be in a relationship (marriage in our case)'

 

4. What's your focus and have either of you every gone through MC or IC with a professional psychologist?

 

5. Was your divorce amicable or?

 

Navigating anger is a toolbox thing, using tools to process stimulus response differently, presuming you don't wish to have anger drive your response matrix. I found MC helped a lot with that. However, it's something one has to want to work and change.

 

My close male friends who've been married for decades seem to have a common response when their wives go off the rails. They disengage with the promise to pick things up later. That was also advice our MC gave us, to validate the feelings of the moment but request a recess and promise to revisit, accepting that those feelings of the moment can be accepted as finished and the past. Wipe the emotional slate clean on that issue. Easy? Nope! One tool though.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you. These are great questions.

 

1. Yes, 5 years separated for her. She was battling an often debilitating disease since 2010-ish. She kicked him out in 2011...she wanted to divorce then but was utterly helpless and ill and terrified that he would get custody of the kids as she was incapacitated. He moved back in eventually and lived in the basement. As she slowly got better, she decided to finally file and kicked him out permanently as she felt strong enough to support herself and retain custody. He moved out of the basement a few months ago - around the time we met. I saw his room in the basement right before she kicked him out. The divorce was filed in October. The holdup is the signing of the financial/custody agreement. He agrees in mediation, then changes things...he's delaying it as much as possible. She's desperate for it just to be done. She's supposed to get the agreement with his changes this week (I'm sure they'll be drastic and it'll go on for longer). She's extremely transparent - she shows me their text exchanges (often in real time) and their email exchanges, she shows me financials and correspondence from her and his lawyer. She's an open book about that stuff. She's beyond frustrated and it's weighing on her health - the mediation brought on a relapse of her illness (stress induced I'm sure). She has been badgering her lawyer and is ready to fire her as she's useless.

 

2. She only dated one other guy a couple years ago for any length of time and had no interest. She was "ready to be alone", but her friends told her to get with it. She tried online dating and was horrified at the quality/behavior of the men.

 

3. I weaponize my intellect without a doubt. I turn into a litigator. I would've made a great lawyer. She ****ing HATES when I do that. I confuse her and she sometimes cries. I'm trying to tone that down along with the anger - I probably did use that in my marriage, but it never worked. It doesn't work now either. Your MC sounds smart.

 

4. Focus is a long term, happy relationship and eventually marriage. We have both discussed going to counselling together, pre marriage, if that's the path we take. We're both willing - get the best tools and go into it the smartest way possible.

 

5. My ex wife was a serial cheater who's last AP was a Hell's Angel coke dealer. She was a cokehead as well. I agreed to try reconciliation after dday but quickly realized I could never do it and I divorced her. She is a messed up, damaged woman with drug problems. So no, not terribly amicable.

 

I absolutely want to deal with my anger issues. Your MC's and male friends' advice is wonderful.

 

Thank you for the reply.

[Gaeta]

 

That was long - sorry. So, 2 questions - how does a person deal with a partner when they act that way - demanding something you can't provide right that second? What should I have done? Just said "I already told you I'll do it today but I can't do it now" and then go silent? That would enrage her. I can't keep saying the same thing over and over and over again and still get the same demand - it was driving me insane and giving me tremendous anxiety.

 

It takes 2 to fuel a fight and knowing me I would simply not have participated into this. As soon as she started demanding things I would have told her I am not discussing this on that tone and we will talk tonight, good bye, and hang up.

 

The thing is you've had these outbursts in the past and you're both still dating so you have this unspoken understanding that both of you can huff and puff and yell and the relationship is ok. See, I would never dare to yell at my boyfriend, I know he'd be out the door and my fear of losing him is greater than my need to yell at him or boss him. I also have too much respect for him.

 

This yelling at each other comes from failed attempts at communicating. She feels you don't hear her, you don't hear her needs and resentment is accumulating. She sounds aggravated, and tired of dealing with the same stuff.

 

 

 

 

.

Edited July 30, 2018 by Gaeta

[Gretchen12]

Anger is an emotion that's very closely related to fear. In fact, the physical symptoms are the same. You fear being misunderstood and you fear being judged unfairly. And you fear losing her. If your child keeps asking you in the car "are we there yet?", even though you've replied with the same answer 20 times, I doubt you'd get that angry. One thing you might try is simply not look at her text. Tell her you are turning off the phone, then do that, and have no fear of losing her. In a trusting relationship, you can rely on a degree of indulgence. If she walks out just because you turned your phone off that one time, what do you really have? It is tremendously liberating to know that you need not be perfect to be loved.

[hardwired]

I am not at all saying you should dump her. I said that your future with her is grim IF she does not take responsibility for her behavior and recognize her wrongdoing in this scenario (which is most likely hidden resentment about the schedule). If she truly insists on working through the conflicts of your schedule, then she needs to recognize her part in your fight. Don't be so quick to give in...apologize for hanging up on her and losing your temper but insist she look inward and tell you how she could have handled the situation differently.

 

Thank you hp3, this is solid advice.

 

After she texted me "I love you, I hope you're ok", and then "why didn't you call/text me this morning?" I replied:

 

"I didn't know what to say...I'm very upset it got to that yesterday and that I got that angry. I felt very cornered and it ramped up my anxiety extremely high...I don't understand why that had to happen. I made arrangements with the ex to have them dropped off the Monday (Aug 6th) and picked up the morning of the 8th. I just needed a few hours to get that lined up."

 

She's typing something long now. I HATE texting this stuff but we can't speak on the phone this second. I'll see what she has to say.

 

I'll apologize for the hang up and temper, but yes, I'm not taking all the responsibility for the event. She's supposed to come over tonight but I am on 2 hours sleep...so likely not. I'll wait for any heavy conversation until we can speak.

[preraph]

I mean, obviously this is about having to clear everything through the ex. Just saying it is sometimes best to have the court mandate everything to do with holidays, vacation and visitation and just stick to it so you don't have to plan with the ex and make your new partner feel like you're still married. You can do that, you know. You can get it all written out where this year you get Easter and 2 weeks in the summer and next year, she does. And if it's like pulling teeth to communicate with the ex or she always has to come first before you can plan anything, then you can even get a mediator to do all communications or do them on a website like talkingparents.com and have a record of it to show if they're not doing their part of the bargain. Then you don't have to negotiate with the ex. It's done in advance with lawyers and a judge.

 

It's hard enough that you both have kids and exes to plan around, so getting a firm schedule would take a lot of stress off, though it's really hard to get both of your schedules to totally match up, of course. Hope you work it out.

[hardwired]

I mean, obviously this is about having to clear everything through the ex. Just saying it is sometimes best to have the court mandate everything to do with holidays, vacation and visitation and just stick to it so you don't have to plan with the ex and make your new partner feel like you're still married. You can do that, you know. You can get it all written out where this year you get Easter and 2 weeks in the summer and next year, she does. And if it's like pulling teeth to communicate with the ex or she always has to come first before you can plan anything, then you can even get a mediator to do all communications or do them on a website like talkingparents.com and have a record of it to show if they're not doing their part of the bargain. Then you don't have to negotiate with the ex. It's done in advance with lawyers and a judge.

 

It's hard enough that you both have kids and exes to plan around, so getting a firm schedule would take a lot of stress off, though it's really hard to get both of your schedules to totally match up, of course. Hope you work it out.

 

No, it's not about that. We have a set schedule, and every summer, I take them for a few days on her time. It's never set in stone, and as courteous co-parents do, we would discuss which days those would be. That's totally normal. I can't just decide unilaterally that I'm going to keep my kids 2 extra days...of course I would need to pass it by her. And that can't be set in stone every summer as it's never the same days off I get every year.

 

That also wasn't the only factor - I had to see what days off were available at work and if I could swap them out, what else was going on (other family engagements, etc), if it would work for me to take them on those days, when exactly my time was booked off, etc etc. Many variables I simply did not have figured out at that exact moment in time. BTW the ex is ALWAYS more than happy to give me extra days with the kids so she can have her freedom.

 

Bottom line - she demanded an answer right then and there that I simply did not have at that second in time. I needed to figure out the most logical plan that would work for everyone, my gf included, then see if that were logistically possible and practical. My ex w's approval of the days was one small component that needed to be sorted.

[preraph]

If it was set in writing, you'd know what days you had to take off from work every year and could notify your employer in writing. Your choice, of course, but doing each other favors or having it all loosey-goosey is very annoying to most people, plus it's real easy to lead to a disagreement with an ex if one of you decides to dig in.

 

My guess is she worked hard to get her custody stuff organized so she can plan a life around it, and now this is like a stick in her wheel.

Edited July 31, 2018 by preraph

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Regarding her fear - that’s a great question. She’d voiced earlier on, closer to the start, that she fears she’s made all these changes, rearranged her life to be with me (this is true), and she thought it was one sided, that everything had stated status quo for me - my routine, etc. She fears me making decisions about things like vacation without her input or consideration, that she just kind of “goes along for the ride”. There is truth to that. So maybe it’s to do with that?

 

You may never be able to satisfy her need to be a higher priority in your life. And since, like anyone of us, you’d choose your kid’s needs over hers in a heartbeat, her fears are probably well founded.

 

I wish you well in your efforts going forward. Very tough balancing act....

 

Mr. Lucky

[bene]

 

 

3. I weaponize my intellect without a doubt. I turn into a litigator. I would've made a great lawyer. She ****ing HATES when I do that. I confuse her and she sometimes cries. I'm trying to tone that down along with the anger - I probably did use that in my marriage, but it never worked. It doesn't work now either. Your MC sounds smart.

 

Maybe you could do some soul searching why do you need to do that. In a relationship you are on the same side and the problem you’re tackling is on the other side. There is no point in some petty victory over each other. There is nothing to gain from a brief moment of superiority shoving screenshots in her face that should support your “case”. There is no “case”.

 

I’m not saying that you should be a doormat buy stay your ground firmly and kindly and don’t indulge in some back and forth nagging by text. Step away from the situation if you have to. You can just say that you’re going to put your phone down now and you’ll work on the solution as promised.

 

This situation with juggling kids, exes and schedules is obviously frustrating for all involved. It’s just the reality you have and there’s no point turning against each other if you want this arrangement to work.

[SevenCity]

OP - I didn’t read all the replies yet but I wanted to add.

 

The problem is not that you didn’t do it “right now”, the problem is she feels like she is not important to you. You are making your kids the priority and not spending a weekend alone with her.

 

As you’ve seen, logic and reason is not going to help you with women. Their emotions run them.

 

What you have to do is get to the underlying issue and address it. Get a baby sitter if she means that much to you.

 

She is lashing out because she feels unloved.