jwm820 Posted July 30, 2018 Share Posted July 30, 2018 (edited) Hi everyone, new to this website.\ I need a little advice. I dated a girl for about a year and a half and we were madly in love. Marriage, future talks, our families, and friends all loved us. However, I had a drinking problem and emotionally treated her very poorly about 4 times while blackout drunk. She ended things, but we were still together trying to make it work. Nothing really changed besides technically not being official. I promised to go to therapy, go to the gym, and quit liquor. This was in late March before the end of my senior year in college. We could not stop fighting, it was horrible. We admitted it was because we were both upset and hurt. She was pretty controlling at times and would get extremely jealous of some girls that were simply friends. If she was asleep and I forgot to text her that I got home or forgot to keep her updated while out it would be a huge fight the next day. Anyways, I drank liquor one more time and she found out about it in the middle of May when she visited me. I was studying for the gre and kind of blew her off because my test was in a week and she ended up officially breaking it off and wants to be single for the summer and focus on herself. In that month we talked saw each other, had sex, etc. I did the wrong things such as getting upset and begging, but I stopped that in early July. July comes and we were gonna meet up when she came down to visit her friends, but I said some dumb **** about girls hitting me up (idk I was upset and confused) and she got super mad and cut me off and said to leave her alone and not text her. I let a week go by and asked if she’s learned a lot or if she's moving forward and trying not to think about it and she said "both but that she still does think about". This same week we talk on the phone for a bit. She has said maybe to my request to meet up b/c I was coming to her hometown to see some school friends and said she felt pressured. Then she brought up that I only wanted to be FWB because of her body and I use to pressure her for sex because I sometimes pouted. That is pretty false and idk what it had to do with anything. I believe she holds resentment for me from my past actions. Every phone call this Summer she has told me something wrong that I have done, regardless of how well the phone call went. Furthermore, I have never forced her to have sex with me and there have been times when she's been blackout drunk and trying to have sex and I simply denied her and put her to bed with a glass of water. I've never been comfortable with forcing **** on people. I also bet every guy in the world has pouted a little when their gf didn't want it. But regardless, I apologized. Anyways, she ends up asking if I kissed anyone I said yeah and she asked if she knew her and I said no. I asked the same and she said the same. We agreed to not ask those questions during the summer, but she still asked it. Then I texted her a couple times later in the week, she doesnÂ’t respond and then I just left her a voicemail and **** asking if she wanted me to leave her alone or like what am I suppose to do with her since she doesnÂ’t respond. I recommend going back to what she wanted in the middle of June: catch up every now and then and talk friendly and not about the relationship. Her answer to what I previously said was: "Hi I am glad you got a car today. That is very exciting! But IÂ’m not trying to stay in touch like that anymore. Too much has happened since then and I donÂ’t wanna be talking much over the summer. Thanks for understanding". "But your voicemail did make me laugh."Have a good rest of your summer". I responded by saying I understand and will respect her decision. Then I wished her well too. She then responded instantly saying: "Thank you jon (relationship nickname) Maybe we can just snap? Leave it at that? Space out talking more. If you don’t want that I understand too" Since then I haven't spoken to her in a week. She is a rising senior at our university and I will be going back for grad school. I am afraid that I do not have another chance and will keep up going NC as it would be too painful to go back see her, and have her not want to give us another chance/she's found someone new. I think the best move would be to move on, at least for now. However, I believe that she just wants so actual damn space for once this summer. We were very close and became best friends, so much to the point where if things weren't perfect between us it caused problems. I see now that we were very immature, especially me and this break up may have been for the best. I would love to work with her again once summer ends, but I do not want to get my hopes up and then be crushed Points of interest: * During the relationship, she definitely was more obssesd than I was. Although I still loved her very much. *She could not get over me going out because she feared I would drink liquor *She has been very adamant on needing space and not wanting a bf for the summer *During the summer she would always ask what girls I was with if she knew I was out with some *Whenever we talked and dated she constantly made sure that I knew of a mistake I made and never let me slide, regardless of how minimal it would be. *She is a good girl and didn't break up to get with people, she told me I stressed her out too much and was hurt *I have friends from her hometown that tell me the same thing and have known her longer than I have. *She is 4.5 hours away during the summer. *She still has feelings. *She has said we'd obviously see each other and talk at school over the phone last week * She thinks I'm dramatic at times and I overthink *I have been going to a therapist for the past month, I have been working out for the past month and I haven't had any liquor in about two months. *We have not seen each other since June 15th Idk if she's moved on or is just not trying to deal with me this Summer. I just want to do the right thing and not cause the girl I love anymore damage or stress. Lastly, there is far more information so if anyone has any questions or chooses to reply please feel free to. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Edited July 30, 2018 by jwm820 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 With due respect, you both have a lot of growing up to do before a healthy relationship will be possible. My guess is that even if you got back together, the same problems and dysfunctional behaviour and prior resentments would creep back in and it wouldn't work. Keep doing what you're doing to get your life back to a healthy place. The next relationship you have will so much better for it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Especially if the end of college means you now live apart & no longer have the convenience of campus, this all seems insurmountable. Do you have your drinking under control? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jwm820 Posted July 31, 2018 Author Share Posted July 31, 2018 I do have my drinking under control and therapy has been very helpful. I would never force her into another relationship. However, it would be nice to give it another go after all the positive improvements have been made. I always knew that she was the right girl at the wrong time. I, especially, needed to make some serious changes. Link to post Share on other sites
c.a.f. Posted August 1, 2018 Share Posted August 1, 2018 I think she's really emphasized that it's kinda over when she told you not to contact her like you had been. I guess you sent her a text telling her that you got a new car or something? Were you bragging, or just felt like you wanted her to know? You kind of messed up a bit with some of the stuff you said and did but maybe we can salvage this. First and foremost you have to stop contacting her right away. Every thing you say to her from this moment on is making reconciliation less likely. For now at least, just until the end of the summer. Since she did say "for the summer", now you have a chance to find out for sure if there's hope of reconciliation. The crux of this is relying on you being able to not contact her. This is crucial. The plan is to not contact her at all, and continue to not contact her, until she contacts you first at the end of the summer (if she does at all). That's it really, just keep improving yourself so you have a bit more value in your sell when, or if, you ever see her again. It might be hard but if she doesn't contact you at the end of the summer, she doesn't want reconciliation. You gotta be ready for that too. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 2, 2018 Share Posted August 2, 2018 I replied in your identical thread: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/661254-any-chance-after-summer-over Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts