For anyone suffering or in pain because of their affair.......

[egalew]

This is for all the folks who are trying to get over an affair or suffering in any way because of the one they’re in now.

 

Six years ago, as a single mom with a special needs child, I became involved with a married man. It was a tale told here many times before: He was in a bad marriage. We started off as friends. We had this unbelievable, soulful connection, blah, blah, blah

 

Like many of you on this board, I fell head over heels for “him.” He was the man of my dreams, so I thought: educated, smart, kind, sweet, etc…. A fool for a man with a good line and the right moves, I went against my better judgment and allowed him to become integrated into every aspect of my life. (Stupid.)

 

Then in 2012, exactly one week before Christmas, he -- the guy who purported to love me -- dropped me with a thunderous thud. He and his wife were on the brink of divorce, and all the lies and tall tales he’d been telling me were about to unravel, I suppose. I now suspect as a master manipulator and narcissist, he had other women he was priming as targets.

 

I was devastated beyond words. The break-up penetrated a part of my soul and spirit I didn’t know existed, and for months, except to tend to my child or work, I lie in bed trying to make sense of what just happened, devouring books on the topic.

 

I eventually moved on and saw him for what he was: a lying, sociopath who preyed on women.

 

Today, six years later, I found him on Twitter. It was a bit of a fluke, as he has stayed off social media completely.

 

Here’s the hitch: The man I had an affair with was a Hermes-loving, Ivy League professor, who was sweet and kind. The man on Twitter was a fat, long hair (he’s 64 and has hair down to his shoulders), racist pig. His Tweeter feed was full of racist, homophobic, pro-Trump supporting remarks that I never heard in our time together, not would suspected given the image he portrayed. These were also things no professional would want an employer to see. In one Tweet he blasted, “I have diabetes and sky-high cholesterol, so can’t get an erection, but if I didn’t….” and posted a photo of a sexy woman on a motorcycle.

 

I was sickened and disgusted by what I read. This was the man I cried over? Spent a year in therapy trying to erase from my life?

 

I share this because back in 2000 I lived on this board, trying to assemble the pieces after a bitter, bitter painful break-up. I want the folks here who are in the position I was in 2012 to know what I didn’t then: Married men – and women who have affairs are NOTHING that they purport. Most are egocentric, chronic liars with sociopath tendencies. They aren’t worth your time or tears. And while I choose to live alone now, I’m at peace, something I never experienced when with “HIM.”

[Aloha123]

Thank you for your very powerful testimony. Yes that is such a common thread in almost all affairs, isn't it. We as OW are in love with a figment of our imagination. I think that makes it both easier and harder to let go of things, all at the same time.

Another common theme -- most MM in affairs are sociopaths and liars who don't care about anybody but themselves, and who pray upon our vulnerabilities

[Daisy2013]

Wow! What a discovery! Who you saw on Twitter was who he was all along or someone he changed into. Be glad he isn't a part of your life. It is great you are at peace now.

 

Peace is what I pray for these days. There is a hole inside of me and I am a walking shell and empty on the inside. Hopefully better days will come. He was my best friend and love and at my middle age, had never experienced what we had. Funny thing is he is happy being my just my friend these days and telling me several times per week I'm his love, but that God comes first and is also his love.

 

Thank you for your story. It is always encouraging to read of those who survived this hell.

[Imajerk17]

So many WW think of themselves as some sort of victims too though, when it just isn't so.

 

Thank you for your very powerful testimony. Yes that is such a common thread in almost all affairs, isn't it. We as OW are in love with a figment of our imagination. I think that makes it both easier and harder to let go of things, all at the same time.

Another common theme -- most MM in affairs are sociopaths and liars who don't care about anybody but themselves, and who pray upon our vulnerabilities

 

If you are betraying your husband behind his back--you know, the man you GAVE YOUR VOWS TO--then you are just as bad as MM. You are doing to your husband (and your kids!) even worse than what MM is doing to you. I think this is point we all need to be clear about on here too.

 

I bring this up because taking responsibility will really speed up the healing. Or rather, you cannot heal if you don't face reality and take responsibility.

 

Meanwhile OP thank you for posting. I do remember reading your story, and I am glad to read that you are now in a much better place.

Edited July 31, 2018 by Imajerk17

[egalew]

Daisy –

 

I believe the man I found on Twitter was the man he was all along. He had artfully manipulated the situation when we together, so I never saw it. Again, the man I saw was “perfect husband material” trapped in a sexless marriage with a raging controlling wife. (Oh, the lies this man could tell.)

 

I was 49 when we met and I, too, never experienced a relationship of such depth, intimacy, which only intensified my pain and devastation. I never experienced such wonderful, europhic highs. Since the relationship was built on a bed of lies, I would never know if it was real or not.

 

I never contacted him afterward (didn’t want to give him the satisfaction) or reach out to the ex-wife, though I had so many questions. They eventually divorced. I suspect he took her for a good penny after years of lying and manipulation. I also found out she was footing all the bills. If anything I sympathize with her.

 

The reality is affairs put you in this magical bubble. You never really see the real man because your time together is a string of golden moments, crafted to relationship perfection crafted by the cheater. I never saw him outside the relationship, so it was a very stilted image. I would have been turned off by someone who spews such disgusting, racial slurs, especially in a public forum. (What kind of educated man with advanced degrees does that?!) The stuff on Twitter by a 64-year-old man was cringe-worthy.

 

The affair brought with it some of the biggest – but most painful – life lessons. Today I know I could never be with another married men. EVER. Also, in affairs, no one comes out the winner. He stays with the wife and continues the affair: you’re always wanting and desiring what you can’t have. He leaves his wife for you: you have someone prone to cheating, so one day will cheat on you.

 

Today, living a life on my own terms, not prey to someone’s lies and manipulation, I’m at peace.

[Overtaxed]

So many WW think of themselves as some sort of victims too though, when it just isn't so.

 

Well, I do think that many are victims, but they are victims of the circumstances that they made for themselves. It's like thinking (for some deluded reason) that tigers are our friends, jumping the fence in the zoo, and going up to the tiger and petting it. When the tiger rips them to shreds, yes, they are a victim. But they brought about/planned the situation where they would be victimized.

 

You never really see the real man because your time together is a string of golden moments, crafted to relationship perfection crafted by the cheater.

 

It's real easy to be "Mr. Perfect" when you never have to make good on any promises. Talk about an amazing future together, all the love you'll have, the fun things you'll do together. Me telling my wife "I'm going to take you to Paris for 2 weeks on vacation" is a completely different thing than her AP saying "I'm gonna take you to Paris when we're finally together". His are just words, mine are words coupled with a plan, money saved up, time taken, looking at place to stay, and a desire to actually make it happen.

 

The thing about an A, "say anything" is the order of the day. What's going to get me what I want, well just say that, who cares if it's true? I'll never get called out on it, never have to make it true, so what difference does it make. I'll buy you Windsor Castle as soon as we can be together, I can say that with a straight face so long as when "we can be together" is "never". Sure, no problem, I'll promise you whatever you want to hear, just don't expect any of it to happen.

 

The affair brought with it some of the biggest – but most painful – life lessons. Today I know I could never be with another married men. EVER. Also, in affairs, no one comes out the winner. He stays with the wife and continues the affair: you’re always wanting and desiring what you can’t have. He leaves his wife for you: you have someone prone to cheating, so one day will cheat on you.

 

That's exactly the lesson, I'm sorry this had to happen to drive it home, but yes, it's exactly what you should take from this. To your last statement, that's sadly not true. He's the winner. He got what he wanted, which was sex from you. You didn't get what you wanted (a real relationship with him). He won. And that's almost always going to be the case, not necessarily the "man wins" but "whoever is there for sex" wins. And in most A's, there's on person there for sex and another there for something else. If your the "something else", yes, you're almost certainly about to lose.

Edited July 31, 2018 by Overtaxed