LikeMeforME Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Maybe a stupid title for this thread as I feel like almost all OM/OW are being used to a certain degree, but I just want to realize how much of a tool I was. When I met my OMM I was on the outs of my own marriage. I had not yet given H papers, but it was in the works. I met OMM online through an adult website. We clicked from the start and would spend hours talking to each other. Initially we both lied and said we were single (it was an adult website after all). Then one day he confessed he was married with 2 young children. I confessed I was also married; although about to leave my husband. This probably drew us closer to each other. I did tell him that I would not want to be the OW forever and asked if he would ever leave his wife. He said "maybe when the children are older." Before either of us knew it we were saying "I love you" and "I love you more." Things that I never said to anyone except my husband (during better times). Looking back on it maybe it was just affair fog....who knows. OMM lived 3.5 hours away. I made the trip 4 times during our brief A to see him, and he paid for the hotel every time except his birthday. It was the best sex of my life. He never once made the trip to see me (blamed it on the family and all), but said he could if it was planned far enough in advance. Additionally it was only during his work hours. He couldn't afterall see me during non-work hours since that would impede his family-life (which honestly I understand with 2 young children in the mix). What brings me here today is that I truly want to end the affair. I am struggling to believe anything I ever had with him was real; although OMM really insists that it was. He used to text me in front of his BW, then that slowly died down to the point where he wouldn't text me for hours on hours. When I would treat him the same he would get so mad at me. One time I blocked him and he got so upset - touted that no girl has ever blocked him before and that he does not know why he's tolerating it, etc. I came back at him with you block me all the time when you can't talk to me. He did not have much of a response except that he does not really block me, he just deletes the app. How is there a diff?! While writing all this I feel like a huge tool. It's so obvious he was using me. Yet at the same time he would call me the "love of his life" and that "you do not use the love of your life." I want to call BS. Even if his BW is not the love of his life his kids surely are. Please knock some sense into me!! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) Just read some of the discussions on this board and you will see that he is playing it from the textbook... He is not putting any effort into this affair. He likely can’t believe this woman would drive four hours to have sex with him... you have practically fallen right into his bed. He can’t even be bothered to see you outside of work hours... a pleasant diversion from the monotony of day to day... “Sure, I’ll eventually leave my wife when my kids are older...” And my personal favorite - “how dare you not respond to me. No other woman (meaning, there are other women in his life - probably several) would dare not respond to me because I would not tolerate it.” My friend, this guy is a player and you have been played. Married men who are serious about their partners leave their marriages shortly there-after and they are not only interested in sex during office hours... I hope that you do some reading and kick this guy to the curb. Edited July 31, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Maybe you were using him as well?? Affairs are not one sided and I don't buy playing the victim. If you don't like the way he is treating you, get out of the arrangement. Poppy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Let me guess, the divorce is still not started? I agree with Poppy, you are also a user. Affairs are likely 95% using each other for whatever reason. I don't understand how someone in an affair can play victim. Of course he is using you, just as you are using him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 When you enter into an A with a MM, you are self-selecting into a group for "dating" of men who are going to skew dramatically to "player" and "say anything to get what they want". And also, men who are highly sexually motivated. If you're not there for sex, frankly, your getting a very raw deal. Love, emotions, caring, all of those are often (I'd argue "almost always") faked in an A by the man. He's there for sex some huge percentage of the time, because, that's the one thing that A's reliably provide. Caring and love? As you can see from the stories here, that's VERY often not a part of an A. Saying "love", yes, of course. But are those words worth anything without the feeling behind them? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucasv Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Are you still with your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Let me guess, the divorce is still not started? I agree with Poppy, you are also a user. Affairs are likely 95% using each other for whatever reason. I don't understand how someone in an affair can play victim. Of course he is using you, just as you are using him. That sounds about right. If you're having an affair you know you're doing something wrong. So why be surprised when terrible things start happening? If you don't want to be used for sex don't have an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 If you don't want to be used for sex don't have an affair. Nicely summed up, thank you. Realize that A's, at their very core, can be summed up as "lies, lies, lies, sex, lies, lies, lies". Those are 2 things you can reliably say will be present in nearly every A. Some people value the lies, "Tell me anything to make me feel good". If so, realize the trade you're making, lies for sex, and don't be surprised when the lies are just words. Most men realize they are making this trade and are happy with it, at least I was when I was dating. A lot of women, it seems, don't realize that this is the dynamic, and, in an A, it's on steroids because none of those lies ever need to be validated. The "white lies" told during typical courtship/dating turn into "weapons grade" lies, the truth simply doesn't matter at all anymore, it's entirely about keeping the AP hooked and around to keep the sex coming. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 OP, aside from his words... What has your affair partner done to show you that you are the love of his life? What has he done to demonstrate that he hasn't been lying to you, that he is in it for something more than the sex? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Most people involved in affairs use each other to a degree. Not just for sex but also for good feelings, for validation and ego strokes. He has withdrawn those things from you so now you feel used because you are unable to use him. Get divorced, grieve the end of your marriage and then seek a real relationship that is based on more than hot sex and ego strokes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 You went on a dating site to meet men, met a MM, you're a MW, you two lied to each other, you drove 3-1/2 hours to have sex in a motel with him, the best sex of your life (you say), things were hot between you two and now he has cooled off. Were you used? NO. If anything you guys used each other and now the game has gone sour. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LikeMeforME Posted July 31, 2018 Author Share Posted July 31, 2018 No, I am not with my husband anymore. The marriage was a loveless one. Our court date is approaching and I cannot wait to close that chapter of my life. I want to move on. Probably why I would also like to get out of this A. I want to find real love with a man. Not fantasized love. OP, aside from his words... What has your affair partner done to show you that you are the love of his life? What has he done to demonstrate that he hasn't been lying to you, that he is in it for something more than the sex? Honestly very little. He put us up in a very expensive hotel room a couple times. Perhaps the most impactful was that he was there for me emotionally throughout my divorce, and also for when my mom got diagnosed with cancer for the 3rd time. Not sure though if that demonstrates his words of being "the love of his life." My friends were there for me in the same way too. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Perhaps the most impactful was that he was there for me emotionally throughout my divorce, and also for when my mom got diagnosed with cancer for the 3rd time. Well then, you gained something from this relationship that you can remember fondly and be thankful for... The reality of the situation, this guy is not going to be a lifelong partner. Why would you even want him for a life partner - when you know he is trolling the adult sites and sleeping with other women in expensive hotel rooms? Best to see this as the end to a very painful time in your life. Now, on to better and new beginning... And - no more married men. You deserve more than sex in a hotel room during his lunch break... reminds me of the many stories on here where eventually, the men get too cheap to even pay for a room and the women are having sex with these guys in their car or, as one woman said - in the bushes outside the office where he worked. It's sad when a woman has such little self respect that these kinds of things become acceptable... Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 And - no more married men. . OP if you could just use the above as a fixed rule you'd probably have an easier time finding a nice man. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 I feel you've been very vulnerable. Try to ask yourself why you were in this position in the first place. It's either this man or another man in another inappropriate situation. If you're hurt and need to speak to a therapist or someone more equipped in dealing with family crisis and the end of your own marriage, it might be a good idea to look for help in a more appropriate place. This affair was really an escape for both of you. When you own that and see yourself less as a victim and more as someone who actively partook in this situation, you'll be better able to turn your life around. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Yes, you were used. You used him to escape the boredom and lack of feeling in your marriage, to distract you from your unhappiness an the stress over your mother's health. He used you for - well, sex for sure. Who knows what else. But you are going to be officially single soon. He's going to remain married and right where he is. Don't just say you want to end it, actually end it. You have pretty much zero chance of finding a good available guy to be involved with while you're holding on to this MM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LikeMeforME Posted July 31, 2018 Author Share Posted July 31, 2018 What is the best way to end it? I do not owe him anything. Should I ghost? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Absolutely! Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 1, 2018 Share Posted August 1, 2018 Yes, you can just stop reaching out or responding. But I noted this on another thread, be sure you've done the inner work to really be done, because you may come face to face with him again at some point. That can really knock the wind out of you if you haven't resolved that it's really over. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 1, 2018 Share Posted August 1, 2018 You used him as much as he used you. The thing is when you tie yourself up to a MM with a family you won't have time to find an honest relationship with someone you could have a future with. Speaking of future if they cheat with you they'll cheat on you. This is for you as well as your MM. Cheating can become a way of life. Is that what you want long term? Better wake up Link to post Share on other sites
Author LikeMeforME Posted August 9, 2018 Author Share Posted August 9, 2018 I stupidly decided to end it with MM the right way instead of ghosting. Told him how I felt about everything and that I didn't really believe we were ever real, etc. He actually responded with, "why are you being so mean? i never meant to have this affair to begin with but I fell in love with you" I'm so stupid that I actually bought the conversation, and then I felt guilty for doubting him in the first place. For the past week or so I've been right back in A fog. But now I am trying to pull for the light again. Is ghosting really the best way to call this off? Am I going to have to hit rock bottom with him before I have the strength to end it? Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 You won't be ghosting. You told him it was over. Block him, delete his information. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 Is this not rock bottom? How much longer do you think you will have to continue with this emotional turmoil until you get there... Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 You have to understand that it doesn't matter even if he IS in love with you. He's still choosing to stay in his marriage and leave you with crumbs. So his love really doesn't mean much. Is this what you would want for someone YOU love? Don't have any further contact with him, don't reach out and don't respond. You told him you want to end it, so now do the right thing and stay away. I understand, believe me, it takes a while to stop holding on to your hope and love and to accept what is clear to everyone else. But until you do you have no hope of moving forward and being happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 You met him on an adult site, where you both lied and said you were single. You were both using eachother. Link to post Share on other sites
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