How to stop people who are picking on me for no apparent reason get to me?

[Jjun]

This is kind of long, but here goes:

 

I've been dating my boyfriend since August of 2016. When we first got together his ex-girlfriend didn't take it well and would constantly try to get in contact with him, show up to parties he was at, ask him for rides home and then cry when he said no. Over time I started coming over more and hanging with his group and she disappeared and stopped getting an invite.

 

So this guy "Sam" was my boyfriend's best friend and we would always hang with him and his family. The family was very close with him and have always really liked him. I don't want to be rude, but they were all fairly trashy (Sam's family and the ex-gf). They are from WV and I'm from a better part of VA, so it was a big difference in group of people that i was used to. Like Sam's family was gang afflicted, someone was barred from practicing medicine for stealing meds, one is in jail, and another stabbed her BF in the house and the ex's family had drug problems and alcohol involved. They (including the ex) were college drop-outs who worked in grocery stores, fast food, or had no jobs and just no general plans for their future. Regardless, I became friends with the family and I thought they all liked me. They would even constantly talk poorly of his ex and how they hated her.

 

So in August 2017 my boyfriend and I broke up for a month. In that time he ended up talking to his ex-gf again and for some reason that entire family started to hate me. After a month he came back and asked for me back saying he made a huge mistake and all that. I ended up getting back together with him and everything has been great between us. BUT, since we got back together that family has been constantly putting me down. Calling me a skank online on the ex's Facebook page and posting old photos of my boyfriend with that ex-girlfriend online. My boyfriend is still friends with Sam and goes over there every few weeks to hang out, but it just bothers me that he is still allowing these toxic people into his life. While we were broken up one of the guys in that family messaged me saying how my BF didn't do it right and he would "**** me right" and went into explicit detail. The same guy who talked a bunch of crap about me to that family and my bf.

 

I've never confronted anyone or said anything, because i did not want to get involved in their drama. But after being called a skank online, i have had enough of this crap. I don't want to let it get to me, but its starting to really bug me. I know it shouldn't and i don't even know how to explain why i'm upset i just know that i am. I'm not sure what to do in this situation or how to react. I don't want to tell my boyfriend that he "cant" go see his best friend, but i'm starting to feel offended that he isn't bothered enough by all of this to stop involvement with that family. Sam cant drive and has no job so my bf always drives the hour down there (he moved to VA about 4 months ago) to visit him and says if he could meet somewhere other than the family's house he would.

 

Am I overreacting? Do I just let this go and suck it up? Or am I right to be bothered by this and annoyed at my bf for still going down there.

[d0nnivain]

You have no obligation to spend time with anybody who calls you names & sexually harasses you. If your BF doesn't champion you & demand an apology on your behalf you have to assume he's condoning this behavior. Then you have to make decisions about whether you want to continue dating a guy who lets others treat you so disrespectfully.

[BaileyB]

You can't control other people.

 

Your boyfriend can tell them to stop, and end all contact if they don't respect his wishes. Has he told them to stop this abusive behavior?

 

I really have to wonder about a man who associates with people who can treat another person this way - particularly if he allows it to continue without doing anything to stop it. That's not somebody that I would want to date. And, after this experience, his family and friends would not be people I would want to spend time with - even if they do stop.

 

This would be reason enough for me to end the relationship. No man and no relationship is worth being bullied and abused by other people.

[Jjun]

Well, he says he goes to his friend's house and doesn't really talk to or see the family who are the ones causing all of this random drama. He doesn't talk to them or associate with them except for his friend "Sam". What bothers me is that by still going over to that house I feel like he is condoning what they are doing. Or the fact he runs the risk of them showing up or even bringing that ex over. If it was me in that situation I wouldn't even talk to those people after the second strike, but I guess since he has known Sam so long and has so many mutual friends he says he cant just drop him.

 

My dilemma is that i'm not sure if I have a right to tell him not go hang out with his friend because of the drama between the family. I slightly feel like im over-reacting, but at the same time they have been doing things like this for months now and i'm getting tired of it.

[Gaeta]

Drop that guy and find yourself a real man.

 

A real man would not associate with anyone putting his girlfriend down. He would make it clear with his family that you are here to stay and to shut up about any negative comments they may have.

 

How can you trust this man to protect you, and protect your relationship? He's weak and has no character.

 

Again, get out of this and go find yourself an adult man.

 

 

 

 

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[d0nnivain]

Does Sam live with all the rotten family members? If they are not there & Sam himself isn't the problem, just ignore the rest of them.

[stillafool]

You know why they are talking that way about you; don't you? It is from the trash your bf was telling them when you guys broke up. They probably have more in common with his ex and that is why they talked trash about you but are buttering her up. Dump your bf as he is the problem and BTW I'm from VA also and people from the Commonwealth get accused of thinking they are better than others; so cut it out. There are some wonderful people in WVA.

[Jjun]

Sam lives with just his parents, but the sister and nephew (the ones who start all this) come over a lot.

 

I don't think it was from him, because while i was with him he never really talked crap about her. He isn't the type to gossip about people. I think everything they're saying is from their own heads. The insults they even say about me aren't true (its random and dumb).

 

I know a lot of people in WV are great. My boyfriend's family is from their and they are some of the best people I've met. I was saying it for clarity. Regardless, WV and NOVA are very different places and have a different environment completely.

[BaileyB]

If Sam was really a good friend worth keeping, he would put a stop to this nonsense. The fact that neither of these men are doing that, is not good.

 

Life is too short to deal with this kind of drama. Good men don't do this kind of thing. You need to find another man to date...

[stillafool]

Someone told them how you feel about them and that is why they are now treating you this way. Who told them?

[Jjun]

Huh, fair point. They probably figured it out form me never wanting to be around them and after this whole ordeal started i just deleted everyone and blacked them off.

 

I still don't think it came from my BF though.

[Mrin]

Drop that guy and find yourself a real man.

 

A real man would not associate with anyone putting his girlfriend down. He would make it clear with his family that you are here to stay and to shut up about any negative comments they may have.

 

How can you trust this man to protect you, and protect your relationship? He's weak and has no character.

 

Again, get out of this and go find yourself an adult man.

 

 

 

 

.

 

This. 100 percent this.

[preraph]

You have no obligation to spend time with anybody who calls you names & sexually harasses you. If your BF doesn't champion you & demand an apology on your behalf you have to assume he's condoning this behavior. Then you have to make decisions about whether you want to continue dating a guy who lets others treat you so disrespectfully.

 

^ That sums it up. It's up to him to back them off you, and if he doesn't, he's either weak or doesn't care enough or agrees with them to some degree. Like you said, his family is trashy, so trashy is as trashy does. Is this who you want for grandparents? I didn't think so. Use your own birth control.

[Jjun]

Hey guys, thanks for your responses!

 

I think I explained the situation incorrectly. It isn't my boyfriend's family. I love his family and they are great.

 

This is the family of his best friend. Specifically, the best friend's sister and nephew. They have been tormenting me and pulling me into their drama for almost a year now. After I posted this, apparently my BF talked to his friend about this asking why his sister was doing this and to leave me alone.

 

Long story short, the friend ended up contacting me and apologizing for his sister's behavior and how he feels really sorry. He said everyone, other than those two, in his family doesn't think anything bad of me. That they actually called out and yelled at the sister for being so nasty about all this. Also, my BF told me he wasn't going to go out there and try to hang with his friend in this area or somewhere in the city.

 

Just a note to add, I don't think my BF isn't a "man" or a bad person. A lot of this was happening online and these people were just popping up every so often. The reason he didn't say anything, in my opinion, was to prevent a bunch of unnecessary drama and fights. I think he took the "ignore them and don't give them the attention" approach.

 

Overall, I sat down and thought about the situation and realized by letting it get to me I was allowing this to control me and giving those two nut jobs the power to upset me. I'm starting to just let it go and not be bothered by unnecessary people.

 

Again, I think it was on me for not clarifying the story more. Thanks for your help!

[stillafool]

Did you find out what caused these two people to turn on you? That would be my issue.

[Jjun]

The nephew is a really problematic kid in general. The whole sending me those explicit messages for example. He would slap random girls butts at raves and then blame it on others almost causing fights and stuff. Was in a really crazy relationship with some girl for a while.

 

All of us kind of just put up with him because he was our friend's family. My boyfriend also lived right by them and always hung out with them. When we got back together a year ago he started to distance himself from that family in general and moved out by me and started hanging around different people. Basically leaving behind the problematic guy and not hanging around them anymore. I have also told my boyfriend and some other close friends about the messages he sent me and stuff and that i didn't want to hang around him. Basically, i stopped putting up with his BS.

 

I think this prompted him to throw a fit about it. Surprisingly, he doesn't really have a lot of friends and we were the group he hung with usually. I think they picked me to blame for all this happening and then this turned into some crazy immature vendetta him and his mother started. Also, for perspective of how immature and ridiculous this whole situation is, the mother is in her 40's and the son is 24 (older than me!!).