I’m struggling because it’s ended suddenly.

[CherrycolaUK]

Hi, I’m just looking for some support I suppose because I’m really struggling after our affair ended abruptly

 

I’ve been having affair with my ex boyfriend for about 6mths. We’re both married with kids, and reconnected after I moved house and he lived two doors down. Not planned, it was just the way things happened, major rental crisis in my country and houses are hard to find in our locality.

So over the course of the first few months we had limited contact but because we also have mutual friends we started to socialise together with them and last November a night out without our OHs ended in a kiss.

It was a slow burner for a few months, just chat and texts, and then we moved up a level in February and it became physical.

We’ve reconnected on a level that neither of us expected. There’s so much history there, we dated in our early 20s, amicable break up and stayed friends for the last 20yrs

 

So long story short, we’ve been seeing each other when we could overbthe last 6mths, my husband travels a bit and my ex’s job means he had free mornings hen the kids were in school.

Things were great until we took a stupid chance at a neighbours party, both had too much to drink, kissed in the bathroom, and his wife saw me walk out while he was still in there, no denying that something happened.

So while the full affair hasn’t been exposed, a stupid drunken kiss has, and she has said we can’t be friends anymore and my ex has stopped all contact with me.

It’s been a month now and it’s so hard. I see him everyday because we live so close, our kids are in school together, play sports together etc.

I’m struggling so much trying to move on, I had such strong feelings for him, I believed he had the same for me. We were such good friends too, he’s been a huge support to me over the last 6mths with an issue with one of my kids that my husband has not been supportive with.

I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and I don’t know what to do.

I can’t contact him because she is watching his every move and checking his phone etc.

So I have to wait for him to contact me, if he can and if he wants to.

It ended so abruptly that we didn’t get a chance to talk about it, I’ve so much I need to get off my chest.

I’ve seen him every morning and afternoon this week as the kids are at camp together and he just said good morning and kept walking. I know it was a public area with too many people around but it broke my heart. Never in the 20yrs I’ve known him has he not stopped to chat to me.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for here, just an outlet maybe.

I’m seeing a counsellor now and he told me it’s not over, that my ex has an impulsive nature so he’ll be back etc, I know he’s doing this because he knows I’m not ready to confront the reality that it’s over and I need to move on. We touched a bit on that yesterday at my session and I think that’s why I’m feeling so awful today because I’m my heart I know he’s gone and as well as losing a man I had a huge connection with, physically as well as emotionally, Ive lost a really good friend too.

And I just feel broken and I can’t stop crying.

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t bear to think about going back to the life I was living before he came back into my life.

I feel stuck in a marriage I’m not happy in, my ex is/was also not happy in his marriage, but we had this thing between us that was working and we were both content with until we took a stupid risky chance and ruined it all.

I’m so desperately sad that it’s over.

How do I get over this?

It’s been a month since it ended, he messaged me a few times after just to say we needed to stop this, it needed to end, he needed to fix things at home, but nothing in two weeks now. I understand he’s terrified now of anything else coming out, he doesn’t want to break up his kids home, his priority now is covering his own ass not me or my feelings.

Edited August 1, 2018 by Cherrycola76

[What_Did_I_Do]

Sorry for your pain. It does feel like your heart is ripped out of your chest. Can't breathe, eat, sleep or function. I get it.

 

OP, I say this kindly, with this D-Day, he chose his family over you, your history, this amazing connection you (one-sidedly) shared. You have no choice whatsoever but to leave him alone. I'm confused as to why your counsellor would say your ex/xMM has an impulsive nature, so he'll likely be back. Was that a warning or an assurance? Sure, he might once the dust settles at home. But why do you want the risk of destroying two families? For what? And you didn't 'lose' this MM, he was not yours to lose. A cheater got caught and he is trying to repair the damage at home.

 

It's been a month now, some of the fog should be lifting...with the help of a qualified counsellor. Take a step back. Do you really want to throw away the life you built with your H, tear up your family for some cheating, impulsive man?

[BaileyB]

This is tough because it’s over, but you don’t really want it to be over.

 

Work with your Counsellor. Focus on your family. If you are not happy in your marriage, divorce your husband. At least, focus on your children and stop putting their happiness and wellbeing at risk.

 

My friends mother had an affair with a neighbour when I was young... It blew up her world and changed who she was forever. Don’t do that to your children.

[skywriter]

Cherrycola76

I feel stuck in a marriage I’m not happy in, my ex is/was also not happy in his marriage, but we had this thing between us that was working and we were both content with until we took a stupid risky chance and ruined it all.

 

 

I have to wonder if this is your perception of his marriage. It would seem he's chosen to work on his marriage and has informed you that the A has to stop in order to do so.

 

Time and distance is the only way to move on from this A. This will help you to decide where your priority should be focused as well. Your H and you may not be happy, and with the counselor maybe you can find out how solve this.

 

There is nothing good to come out of what you and your exboyfriend were doing. His wife could have informed your H of what she saw. Please realise that you are experiencing emotions that with time will calm and then you can see the bigger picture.

[CherrycolaUK]

This is tough because it’s over, but you don’t really want it to be over.

 

Work with your Counsellor. Focus on your family. If you are not happy in your marriage, divorce your husband. At least, focus on your children and stop putting their happiness and wellbeing at risk.

 

My friends mother had an affair with a neighbour when I was young... It blew up her world and changed who she was forever. Don’t do that to your children.

 

Yes that’s it really, it was stopped so suddenly that I don’t feel like I’ve had closure. It didn’t fizzle out or stop as the result of an argument or difference of opinion, we were so intense and now it’s just stopped I’m in shock and a bit lost.

 

I’m already feeling like I’ll never be the same again, my confidence has been shattered.

[CherrycolaUK]

Sorry for your pain. It does feel like your heart is ripped out of your chest. Can't breathe, eat, sleep or function. I get it.

 

OP, I say this kindly, with this D-Day, he chose his family over you, your history, this amazing connection you (one-sidedly) shared. You have no choice whatsoever but to leave him alone. I'm confused as to why your counsellor would say your ex/xMM has an impulsive nature, so he'll likely be back. Was that a warning or an assurance? Sure, he might once the dust settles at home. But why do you want the risk of destroying two families? For what? And you didn't 'lose' this MM, he was not yours to lose. A cheater got caught and he is trying to repair the damage at home.

 

It's been a month now, some of the fog should be lifting...with the help of a qualified counsellor. Take a step back. Do you really want to throw away the life you built with your H, tear up your family for some cheating, impulsive man?

 

My ex was impulsive in coming to see me, he took silly chances late at night when my H was home, asleep, he would call to my house. So my counsellor believes his impulsive nature will kick back in when the dust settles and he’s not being watched so closely, and will make contact with me again.

I’m afraid I’m going to go through all this pain and I’m a few months time he’ll be back and I won’t be strong enough to say no.

Because right now if he contacted me I’d be right back in there, so this awful hurt and anxiety would just stop

[BaileyB]

Yes that’s it really, it was stopped so suddenly that I don’t feel like I’ve had closure.

 

No, let's be honest, my friend. If you hadn't been discovered, you would still be sneaking around... You didn't want it to end. You are more committed to this man than you are your husband... That much is clear in your post and that is f****'d up!

 

Here is the tough love... I don't feel sorry for you. You have betrayed your husband and your family. In the process, you have lost yourself. If you hadn't, you wouldn't be telling us that your confidence has been shattered and you will never be the same again...

 

Take responsibility for your actions. Affairs don't just happen. It didn't "just happen, it's just the way things went..." You made a decision to dishonour your husband and put your family at risk. And, you would do it again tomorrow if you still had a willing partner.

 

Take a step back and reevaluate your priorities. If you are unhappy with your husband, divorce him. If the other man does the same and you still want to be together, get together - eventually. Truthfully, you would be wise to let go of both men and get your stuff together. Do it for yourself, and do it for your children.