Breakup pain

[hope86]

I was talking to this girl for about a year,met her and was going to marry her but due to commitment fear pulled out and after that she grew trust issues and eventually we decided to move on with our lives. After about 2 or 3 months of not talking when I wanted to marry her she said she was engaged to another guy and told me it's too late.

 

So I'm devastated, , jealous of her new BF, feeling regret about not marrying her when I had the chance and now I'm struggling to find any girl I can be attracted to or have a relationship with. I'm going through this painful withdrawal and my body feels tight and without energy. The worst part is that I'm unable to get 7-8 hours of sleep and I keep waking up in the middle of the night and sometimes fall asleep and sometimes don't.

 

Please help. Will therapy help me? Does hypnosis cure heartbreak?

[c.a.f.]

This is a tough one, since it's self-inflicted kind of. What you must consider is that the decision you made was the only decision you could ever have made based on the information you had and the mental state you were in at the time. You literally could not have known better.

 

They always say "hindsight is 20/20" and it is absolutely true. We realize the mistakes we make only after we make them, it is human nature. I am sorry that this is a rough time for you, but don't be too hard on yourself since you are a part of the 7billion of us that make mistakes and stuff like that all the time.

 

I really don't know what advice to give other than try to ride it out. People will probably tell you to go No-Contact (NC) and it probably will help. Keep busy. Now's a good time to make nachoes and watch a lord of the rings movie. And then join a baseball team to work off those nachoes. Sign up for an online course, and try planning your meals for the week. Rearrange your place, clean it up, air it out, go for a walk, buy a bike. Buy a musical instrument and learn how to play it. Find someone who wants to start a business with you.

 

Just keep busy man, completely fill your day with stuff like I suggested above and you won't have time to worry about her (but you still will probably, but it will help I promise), and in a few months you could be a different person, who knows?

[hope86]

This is a tough one, since it's self-inflicted kind of. What you must consider is that the decision you made was the only decision you could ever have made based on the information you had and the mental state you were in at the time. You literally could not have known better.

 

They always say "hindsight is 20/20" and it is absolutely true. We realize the mistakes we make only after we make them, it is human nature. I am sorry that this is a rough time for you, but don't be too hard on yourself since you are a part of the 7billion of us that make mistakes and stuff like that all the time.

 

I really don't know what advice to give other than try to ride it out. People will probably tell you to go No-Contact (NC) and it probably will help. Keep busy. Now's a good time to make nachoes and watch a lord of the rings movie. And then join a baseball team to work off those nachoes. Sign up for an online course, and try planning your meals for the week. Rearrange your place, clean it up, air it out, go for a walk, buy a bike. Buy a musical instrument and learn how to play it. Find someone who wants to start a business with you.

 

Just keep busy man, completely fill your day with stuff like I suggested above and you won't have time to worry about her (but you still will probably, but it will help I promise), and in a few months you could be a different person, who knows?

 

 

Thanks man. What I'm really struggling with is to do tasks themselves. It's like some resistant force in my body makes me not do the task specially if it's harder than a normal task.

 

For example, I can get a shower but when I want to cook or cut onions I don't feel like doing it. I can sit on my laptop but don't feel like programming(which is my job).

 

The second part I'm suffering with is my sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night and then I stutter back to sleep sometimes and then other times I'm awake.

 

My muscles are so stiff for some reason. I carry a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Don't know if I can take a pill for this pain.

[CantTakeMySmile]

These are normal feelings for a broken heart. It is difficult but not impossible.

 

When I am goin through an emotional time, I get 4-5 hours of sleep so I understand. It makes you so tired! I have had this last for six months or so... definitely an inconvenience, but not fatal! Lol

 

Things will become easier with time. Just focus on a few goals each day. Make the goals things you enjoy. I do this everyday. I set easy goals and make sure I meet them, then at the end of the day before I go to sleep, I think of my accomplished goals and set new goals for the next day. Makes me feel in control of myself.

 

Also, it helps me to get

Outside and stay off electronics. I try to check social media once a week or less. Same with tv and computer. If not work related then staying offline is super helpful. I try to stay outside as much as possible. There is always something to find outside that can bring your thoughts back to gratefulness.

 

And , I am sure you know this... but do you stretch your muscles out to alleviate the stiffness?works wonders!

[hope86]

These are normal feelings for a broken heart. It is difficult but not impossible.

 

When I am goin through an emotional time, I get 4-5 hours of sleep so I understand. It makes you so tired! I have had this last for six months or so... definitely an inconvenience, but not fatal! Lol

 

Things will become easier with time. Just focus on a few goals each day. Make the goals things you enjoy. I do this everyday. I set easy goals and make sure I meet them, then at the end of the day before I go to sleep, I think of my accomplished goals and set new goals for the next day. Makes me feel in control of myself.

 

Also, it helps me to get

Outside and stay off electronics. I try to check social media once a week or less. Same with tv and computer. If not work related then staying offline is super helpful. I try to stay outside as much as possible. There is always something to find outside that can bring your thoughts back to gratefulness.

 

How about therapy? This one therapist has amazing reviews so I'm wondering if I should take it but he charges 750 for a year. Is it worth it? Does therapy really help?

[CantTakeMySmile]

I would try a pay as you go therapist. Never heard of one charging upfront for a full year. Just find one you like that allows you to pay per visit. I think therapy works for many people.

[hope86]

I would try a pay as you go therapist. Never heard of one charging upfront for a full year. Just find one you like that allows you to pay per visit. I think therapy works for many people.

 

Oh ok. He charges 150 for a session which is too much so he offers 750 for a full year of unlimited sessions. Is that too much?

 

May I ask why you haven't taken therapy?

[CantTakeMySmile]

I have been in and out of therapy for years. I use the other suggestions everyday to help me focus. Therapy is good for me but it is not a final resolution. It helps but it is not a short term solution. Therapy can take years to infiltrate your mind totally. Coping mechanisms are important. And yes, these will be taught in therapy as well.

[hope86]

I have been in and out of therapy for years. I use the other suggestions everyday to help me focus. Therapy is good for me but it is not a final resolution. It helps but it is not a short term solution. Therapy can take years to infiltrate your mind totally. Coping mechanisms are important. And yes, these will be taught in therapy as well.

 

So what is the final resolution then? Will we ever feel whole or normal again like we were before a breakup?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, one thing stood out to me in your post: you said you were talking to this girl for a year, met her and wanted to marry her. Forgive me for asking the obvious, but did you two actually date? If so, for how long?

 

Anyway, yes, therapy can be enormously beneficial. It can be helpful simply to vent your feelings to a third party, and even better if that person can offer you some guidance in coping with your fear and pain.

[hope86]

OP, one thing stood out to me in your post: you said you were talking to this girl for a year, met her and wanted to marry her. Forgive me for asking the obvious, but did you two actually date? If so, for how long?

 

Anyway, yes, therapy can be enormously beneficial. It can be helpful simply to vent your feelings to a third party, and even better if that person can offer you some guidance in coping with your fear and pain.

 

 

I met her a couple of times as we were in different countries but we were in constant touch most of the day via video calls or phone.

 

It seems that we can never be completely cured or go back to the state we were in before we met that person? Is this true? Meaning can we go back to the state before we ever got into a relationship?

[ThreeRainbows]

Why, oh why, do guys leave great girls over commitment fears? Ugh. This is what my ex-bf did to me. I won't take him back either, can't trust him.

 

 

 

 

Just learn from your experience. Next time you feel commitment fears, ask for space. That's so much more mature than breaking up over it. GL.

[hope86]

Why, oh why, do guys leave great girls over commitment fears? Ugh. This is what my ex-bf did to me. I won't take him back either, can't trust him.

 

 

 

 

Just learn from your experience. Next time you feel commitment fears, ask for space. That's so much more mature than breaking up over it. GL.

 

 

Why don't you girls give guys a second chance? I realised my mistake. I want another chance. :( please god I want another chance

Edited August 3, 2018 by hope86

[ExpatInItaly]

I met her a couple of times as we were in different countries but we were in constant touch most of the day via video calls or phone.

 

It seems that we can never be completely cured or go back to the state we were in before we met that person? Is this true? Meaning can we go back to the state before we ever got into a relationship?

 

I'm still unclear - was she your girlfriend? Were you two officially in a relationship?

 

And no, it's not true that you can't be completely "cured" of heartbreak. Most people can and do move on and find happiness with someone else. It doesn't mean that heartbreak doesn't affect us in some way, or change our perception, but I tend to think we can learn a lot and grow as people from the lessons we learn when a relationship ends.

[hope86]

I'm still unclear - was she your girlfriend? Were you two officially in a relationship?

 

And no, it's not true that you can't be completely "cured" of heartbreak. Most people can and do move on and find happiness with someone else. It doesn't mean that heartbreak doesn't affect us in some way, or change our perception, but I tend to think we can learn a lot and grow as people from the lessons we learn when a relationship ends.

 

We didn't have sex or even kiss each other because she said she will only allow that if we got married. We spoke to each other everyday via phone when I was in office and via video calls when I was at home. So you tell me if that qualifies as a relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

We didn't have sex or even kiss each other because she said she will only allow that if we got married. We spoke to each other everyday via phone when I was in office and via video calls when I was at home. So you tell me if that qualifies as a relationship.

 

No, to me, that is a friend. It seems clear she wasn't your girlfriend. The fact that you can't even answer that says you know that, too.

 

However, I am curious to know if there are some cultural factors at work here, which would prohibit any type of intimacy before marriage. Can you clarify?

[hope86]

No, to me, that is a friend. It seems clear she wasn't your girlfriend. The fact that you can't even answer that says you know that, too.

 

However, I am curious to know if there are some cultural factors at work here, which would prohibit any type of intimacy before marriage. Can you clarify?

 

we both told each other that we love each other and she actually was obsessed with me till a certain point when I would tried to shrug her off. She kept saying that I love you and couldn't live without me. So how is that not my girlfriend?

 

And yes it's arranged marriage so no sex before marriage. In some cases if the girl is more traditional then no kissing either.

[ExpatInItaly]

we both told each other that we love each other and she actually was obsessed with me till a certain point when I would tried to shrug her off. She kept saying that I love you and couldn't live without me. So how is that not my girlfriend?

 

And yes it's arranged marriage so no sex before marriage. In some cases if the girl is more traditional then no kissing either.

 

Let me put it in a different way, since you haven't directly answered this: did you two refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend? Did she call you her boyfriend, and did you call her your girlfriend? You have asked me a couple times what I think your relationship status was, without actually telling us. So, you tell me. What was it?

 

I am asking to determine if you two got ahead of yourselves in talking about marriage and so on, without having spent much time together (in person) as a couple. I can sense that you were quite attached to her, but you perhaps shouldn't beat yourself up so much for being worried about commitment when it seems this relationship was primarily conducted online. It would be quite wise of you not to want to commit to marriage yet when you spent relatively little time together in person. Talking a lot is not the same as spending quality time (and an ample amount of it) offline, in real life, to really evaluate your long-term compatibility.

 

If I may ask, how old are you both?

[hope86]

Let me put it in a different way, since you haven't directly answered this: did you two refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend? Did she call you her boyfriend, and did you call her your girlfriend? You have asked me a couple times what I think your relationship status was, without actually telling us. So, you tell me. What was it?

 

I am asking to determine if you two got ahead of yourselves in talking about marriage and so on, without having spent much time together (in person) as a couple. I can sense that you were quite attached to her, but you perhaps shouldn't beat yourself up so much for being worried about commitment when it seems this relationship was primarily conducted online. It would be quite wise of you not to want to commit to marriage yet when you spent relatively little time together in person. Talking a lot is not the same as spending quality time (and an ample amount of it) offline, in real life, to really evaluate your long-term compatibility.

 

If I may ask, how old are you both?

 

 

She called me baby, sweety and I did too. She wouldn't be able to call me boyfriend to her friends unless we tied the knot if that makes sense. I wouldn't either as she wasn't living with me and in arranged marriage you can kindof declare your partner as your gf/bf until you've commited for marriage. I hope that makes sense?

 

I'm 32, she's 29.

 

Please tell me how to come out of his man. I feel so much regret for not committing when I had the chance. My world has totally crashed.

[ExpatInItaly]

She called me baby, sweety and I did too. She wouldn't be able to call me boyfriend to her friends unless we tied the knot if that makes sense. I wouldn't either as she wasn't living with me and in arranged marriage you can kindof declare your partner as your gf/bf until you've commited for marriage. I hope that makes sense?

 

I'm 32, she's 29.

 

Please tell me how to come out of his man. I feel so much regret for not committing when I had the chance. My world has totally crashed.

 

Do you mean you cannot refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend unless you are engaged to be married? I am just trying to understand the cultural context.

 

Also, I am confused about how arranged marriage factors in here - did your families introduce you? How did you meet?

 

Anyway, you will come out of it when you stop putting her on a pedestal, and start examining the reasons why you were hesitating about committing. How frequently did you meet in person, and for how long? There is probably a good reason why you were not diving in to marriage, if you think about it long enough. What was it?

[hope86]

Do you mean you cannot refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend unless you are engaged to be married? I am just trying to understand the cultural context.

 

 

Yes exactly. Please feel free to ask me any questions you want.

 

Also, I am confused about how arranged marriage factors in here - did your families introduce you? How did you meet?

 

 

Via dating app for arranged marriages. After meeting each other, our parents spoke and were ok with each other.

 

Anyway, you will come out of it when you stop putting her on a pedestal, and start examining the reasons why you were hesitating about committing. How frequently did you meet in person, and for how long?

 

In person met her once when she and her family came to visit us.

 

There is probably a good reason why you were not diving in to marriage, if you think about it long enough. What was it?

 

Because she herself didn't want to work after marriage(which a part of me is cool with because I want my wife to be a good homemaker and loves me and takes care of my kids) but the other part of me grew anxious because my job is unstable and so if we had kids, how would we take care of them if I lost my job?

 

I even told her I commit to her because i just didnt want to lose her as she's such a catch in today's day and age and she said ok tell your parents to confirm with my parents but then I backed out because this anxiety of future came back to bite me so I withdrew. Now when I'm feeling ready today, she has found another guy so my world has crashed. What should I do?

[ExpatInItaly]

Because she herself didn't want to work after marriage(which a part of me is cool with because I want my wife to be a good homemaker and loves me and takes care of my kids) but the other part of me grew anxious because my job is unstable and so if we had kids, how would we take care of them if I lost my job?

That is a valid concern. You two had a major incompatibility here, in terms of practical planning. Did you pose that question to her?

 

I even told her I commit to her because i just didnt want to lose her as she's such a catch in today's day and age and she said ok tell your parents to confirm with my parents but then I backed out because this anxiety of future came back to bite me so I withdrew. Now when I'm feeling ready today, she has found another guy so my world has crashed. What should I do?

There's not a lot you can do at this point. She has moved on. That is the problem with letting someone go; they are free to open up their options and see other people, regardless of the fact that you might be ready later. However, that doesn't mean you won't find happiness again with someone else. If you're on an app or site of some sort, surely there are other options?

[hope86]

That is a valid concern. You two had a major incompatibility here, in terms of practical planning. Did you pose that question to her?

 

 

 

I did and she said we can make it work. She was so determined that we could've made it work that's why it hurts me so badly that I wish I had just gone for it. I wish I had just jumped into it but now I don't have a second chance. I'm regretting of not just going with the flow.

 

There's not a lot you can do at this point. She has moved on. That is the problem with letting someone go; they are free to open up their options and see other people, regardless of the fact that you might be ready later. However, that doesn't mean you won't find happiness again with someone else. If you're on an app or site of some sort, surely there are other options?

 

 

Well ofcourse there are girls but they're a step down from her so I'm comparing every girl who shows interest in me with her and they all fall short(not saying that I'm something special) but she was literally the perfect girl not for abc or xyz but for ME.

 

Good looks, a virgin, very feminine, enjoyed being a homemaker, put up with my temper tantrums. Oh god it hurts to type her good qualities.

Edited August 3, 2018 by hope86

[ExpatInItaly]

I did and she said we can make it work. She was so determined that we could've made it work that's why it hurts me so badly that I wish I had just gone for it. I wish I had just jumped into it but now I don't have a second chance. I'm regretting of not just going with the flow.

 

How, exactly? "Making it work" means nothing without a concrete idea of what would happen, and it's the non-answer of someone who really has no clue how they would proceed, but would likely still expect you to do the heavy lifting.

 

I point this out because you sound more practical, while she sounds a bit out of touch with the real world if just "making it work" is her idea of planning for the future. I think you were right to be concerned about that. That could have presented some real points of conflict later; keep that in mind when you're unnecessarily kicking yourself. You might have just saved yourself a lot of hassle.

[hope86]

How, exactly? "Making it work" means nothing without a concrete idea of what would happen, and it's the non-answer of someone who really has no clue how they would proceed, but would likely still expect you to do the heavy lifting.

 

I point this out because you sound more practical, while she sounds a bit out of touch with the real world if just "making it work" is her idea of planning for the future. I think you were right to be concerned about that. That could have presented some real points of conflict later; keep that in mind when you're unnecessarily kicking yourself. You might have just saved yourself a lot of hassle.

 

 

While what you say makes logical sense, how can anyone predict the future? What if my job would've become better or I would've got a better job and we would've survived? What if I overreacted? What if my assumption was wrong?

 

Why am I so devastated if my decision was logically correct?