Insecure husband and his EO, I am stuck

[Rannie]

I’m going to try put this into some kind of order and sense, but hopefully this rant will not be to confusing. I also just read this back and sorry for the long post! I hope you can make it to the bottom!

 

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and together for 10. We also have a 4yo daughter. Our relationship has always been a rollercoaster.

At the start of this year he had what I would call an EO. He claims he didn’t go looking for it, but he connected with a woman over email/messages while doing work for her. He says it started out innocent enough, just work etc, but he is a friendly person, and apparently the conversations started to get friendlier and more detailed about life and more intimate about all sorts of things. He was always emailing and then messaging her. He then admitted to me that he had feelings for this other woman, that he had not felt this way since he had meet me. That she made him laugh and smile, that he liked her bc she was exciting and interesting, she was spontaneous and adventurous. She gave him the attention I wasn’t giving him. He told me he just wanted a friend out of it, that he needed a friend, but it seemed to grow more than that very quickly. She lived out of town and one weekend she came to another town close to use, he wanted to go to this even, to take our daughter, but really to see her. He then wanted to see her again when she came to our town a few days later, I thing she wanted to see him, and they met and spend the day together. This whole time he was being open and talking about it, I was trying to understand as he kept saying he wanted a friend, that he didn’t have any friends and that he connected with her.

Our relationship for the year prior to this EO was horrible. He spent the prior 12 months working up in his head and giving me constant grief (yelling) about how I was dressing up more to impress people at work (which I wasn’t, just wearing the same thing I always had). That I was wearing tights when I ran to get attention (I have always run in tights in winter, even though he says I never did), that I was not making an effort for him. That I was going off to work all day at that he was at home working not knowing what I was doing all day and that I didn’t message him enough, that I didn’t let him know if I was going to be in a meeting that may go over lunch so I might not message him until later than normal, that I was not thinking of his feelings and letting him know what I was doing. He would get ****ty with me and not talk to me for 1-2 days. Treating me like I was doing something secretive, that he didn’t trust me and thought I was or would cheat. That sex 1-2 times a week wasn’t enough and he wanted more from me. During this time he got angrier and angrier, he has always been an angry person, and our 10 years together have been filled with him having anger explosions and me being meek and timid and agreeing that I was in the wrong for something that I was being blamed for. 2017 was filled with him blaming me, getting angry at me for ‘doing something’ and not talking to me for short periods of time. One night he was in such a fowl mood, we were sitting on the couch and he started a fight about something trivial, which ended in him saying I was the cause of all his problems, that I didn’t help him enough in his business (I work full time and a mum), that I disappear on him and only help when he gives me grief, that I don’t give him enough attention and not enough sex and don’t care about him. I asked him if he still loved me, he was silent for a bit, then said ‘I don’t know’. He would get ****ty and angry with our daughter for being too loud, or not listening or doing what he expected she should (she was 3 at the time). He would get himself worked up in his head and then have these horrible outbusts. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, I was feeling anxious and un happy all the time, I would dread coming home at the end of the day, wondering what I would come home to. I withdrew into myself, didn’t have any friends as he had worked away at telling me he didn’t like them or why did I bother having them as friends, I even felt isolated from my family. We even went to MC at the end of 2017 for a few months, but he wanted to stop, because he felt like he was being attacked, that it was making him feel like the bad person, and that he would always pick a fight between sessions about something and not talk to me for a few days. In February when the EO had just started my DD and I want to stay at my parents, he had blown up one night and told me he couldn’t deal with us being around, she was too noisy, that we just had to go then and there as he needed the space, he blew up in my DD face and yelled at her and grabbed her roughly. I had to be the one to go as I have my parents to go to, and he has no one here to go to.

 

Then the EO happened. I felt like I had to understand, that he seemed to get happier, that maybe he did genuinely need her as a friend, I tried to be understanding. He they went to visit his nana by himself, it was also a chance for him to get away and try to ‘clear his head’. He was away 4 days and he told me when he got back that he had raced down on the first day to see the OW, then he was messaging her, then they arranged to hang out and spent a whole day together (he drove to meet her). He told me he talked to her about my and his relationship, how things had not been that great with us for a while amongst other things. Two days after he came home he told me he wanted to end our relationship. He talked calmly and rationally for the first time in ages. Funnily after that I felt so accepting of it. I felt that yes my marriage is over but I feel ok about it.

 

During our 10 years together I felt like I had done nothing but give him everything that he wanted, love, money, support, moved houses for him etc. Every time it felt like it wasn’t enough, that it may satisfy him for a short period of time before he would want more, question my love for him, claim that I disappeared from him and I felt like the bar was continually rising. I walked on egg shells around him, hoping not to set him off. I worked full time, while he had a business that was never able to support itself. All our money would go into supporting the business that wasn’t really working. He couldn’t see it though, it was his dream, his passion and he felt like it defined him. He told me how could he give up something that he, and we both had put so much blood sweat and tears into. He couldn’t let it go even though it wasn’t supporting itself. Finally at the start of this year, an opportunity for contract work came up and he finally realised he needed to do this as we actually had no money in the bank and my salary wasn’t able to cover all our expenses.

 

After him telling me he wanted to end it he moved to the spare room, he then had to go in for surgery, this meant he had to stay at home for two weeks. I made myself scares, as I said earlier I felt ok about it all, it was funny cause I felt free. I started doing the things I wanted to do and not feel anxious about what I was doing, this I didn’t have to walk on egg shells around him hoping he wouldn’t get angry or have an outburst. The a week post-op he told he he thought he had just made a huge mistake, but he didn’t know if I cared on not about that. I didn’t know what to think, I was feeling lighter than I had in a long time. Then my people pleasing personality kicked back in. he started saying things like do you not want to make this work, etc. I would say yes and give in to him, because I didn’t know how to stand up for how hurt I was by his EO and everything else that had gone on in our relationship. Then it drew out he had a hissy at me that he was still sleeping in the spare room, cause I want him too, and he said is that how relationship will be now. I told him to come back to our bed, even though my gut feeling was saying no. Its now been a few more months since that happened, there have been more arguments about what I wear, telling me I’m not trying, making me feel like I need to just hurry up and get over my hurt that I have held on to it for longer than it went on for. He still has outbusts and gets angry, he tells me that I should just accept that his anger is his way of expressing himself just like how me crying is my way of expressing myself. I have always had a tendency to cry during an argument especially when he yells, he says he has accepted that’s what I do and I should do they same for him. It’s a bit had for me to understand that’s what I should to when his anger is so personal and always an attack.

I started seeing a counsellor myself at this point, I needed to understand if I was in the wrong, if I had pushed him into the arms of this OW. The counsellor told me he is controlling and trying to manipulate and isolate me. That he wants all my undivided love and attention and that it is never enough.( It does stem back to his childhood and feeling unloved as a child). She said I need to stand up for myself more, but said to try not to get into an argument, to walk away, but when I do that he gets more angry and it is an argument! I think he doesn’t like that I now have an opinion and try to argue back and not just conform to his way like I always used to. She also said he is insecure and that I have spent to long trying to fix him, when his insecurities are his own and he need to want to fix himself and me just support him.

I’ll point out here too that just after our daughter was born he started hanging out with a younger woman from his work, because he needed a friend, it was apparently because I wasn’t giving him the attention he wanted and went looking for it somewhere else. I was also going through my own post natal depression and I told him he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most.

 

He has also started winging about how my parents look after our daughter one day a week, (to help with daycare costs etc). He gets pissed because they do stuff with her that we don’t do. That she gets spoilt by them and comes home a little **** from their house. He had a massive blow up the other weekend as they took her an my other family who were visiting for a walk up a small mountain, he got super pissed and said I cant believe they did that with out asking me if I was ok with that (even though we had been talking about it with them the day before). He had his opportunity to say he didn’t want that, but he said ‘no one asked my opinion, they should always ask my opinion’ he said he feels like he get pushed aside and is not treated like her parent. That his opinion doesn’t matter. He then said I have to ring my parents and tell than they cant see her anymore. I believe this is never the case, and as I have finally started arguing back I told him he was overreacting and that they don’t do that and all they have ever done is be supportive to us and help us where they can. It was a huge fight, and I think he hates more that I’m actually fighting back, but I totally didn’t agree with him. I said I wanted us to go to marriage counselling again, he said he didn’t want to cause of what happened last time. I told him I understand but we need to try someone else and this is what I want. He reluctantly agreed.

As the week went on I withdrew into myself, I didn’t agree with his view on my parents and it was incredible hard telling them they couldn’t see their only grand daughter. I felt torn between pleasing my husband and hurting myself, daughter and parents. My husband told me I cared more about my parents feelings than his.

I then told him the other night that I couldn’t do this any more, I was sick of this angry person I had become, sick of being blamed for everything, sick of feeling anxious and not wanting to come home. That I wanted it to end. He go super angry and said that our problems couldn’t be fixed in a few months, that it might take a long time, and that a marriage might take a lifetime to get right. I told him I just want us both to be happy and neither of us a happy right now. That I am miserable, he said that I’m a part to blame and should just give up so easily. I told him that I’m not giving up easily, that I have done so much in our whole relationship to please him, to make him happy, to resolve conflict to move house and cities for him, to make him happy. He said he can never do enough to make me happy and that he can never have an opinion with me that it is always my way or the highway, that I never listen to his opinion (basically that I don’t do what he thinks I should). So I feel like I got manipulated into staying, to make it right cause I was the one that wanted to go back to MC. But I just feel like I have had enough and that I want to be happy, and I keep thinking about that period of time when I felt free and ok with that.

I feel like my mind is made up to leave, and my family support that, but I just feel so stuck. How long to I stay? How do I get out if I feel like I have given everything and have nothing left to give. I just want me and my daughter to be happy and not live in this toxic environment.

 

Sorry if this is rambling and doesn’t make sense! I just had to get it out!

[Mr. Lucky]

I've often seen the acronym EA for "emotional affair", is an EO similar?

 

Regardless, my guess is that it was neither. This sounds like the fallout from a full blown affair, one which ended unhappily for your husband. So congratulations, you're second prize, his fallback position since what he wanted didn't work out. That explains his mopey attitude, angry outbursts and move to the spare bedroom while he figures things out. I'd imagine if you did some digging into phone records, email and social media, this would be confirmed.

 

Like you, most people wouldn't be happy with this chain of events. Your H has been weighing his options so it might be time for you to make some decisions of your own. You might start by meeting with an attorney to understand your choices and ability to find healthier alternatives. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

Omg!! You have got to leave that guy and file for divorce ASAP. You have been putting up with his twisted abusive behaviour for so long that you don't even realize how bad it is.

 

Forget marriage counselling. That's just a big waste of your time and money. Your husband will never change without several years of individual therapy and you know he's never going to do that because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. Meanwhile he's just becoming more and more abusive. Carrying on an affair right under your nose while telling you all about it. And now he's trying to isolate you from your family. He wants you to hurt your parents by telling them they can't see your daughter anymore so that there will be a rift between you and your family.

 

Your husband is probably personality disordered. Most likely has narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. Those disorders are rarely curable. Look them up and see if you recognize your husband in the description. Your life is never going to get better with him. He will not change. He is a bottomless pit of need and selfishness, he has no empathy. Is that the kind of man you want raising your little girl? He will ruin her and when she grows up she will choose men who can't love (just like dad) and live the life of misery that you live. Is that what you want for her? If you can't leave this hell for yourself then do it for your daughter.

[d0nnivain]

You are not stuck. You have a job & supportive parents. Gather up your stuff while he's out & move back home with mom & dad & your child.

 

You tried MC. You are in IC. Neither will fix or change the angry person you are married to. The fact that he's screaming at your kid & has violently shaken her alone would make me run. You have to protect her.

 

None of this will be easy but it's time for a change.

[Rannie]

I've often seen the acronym EA for "emotional affair", is an EO similar?

 

Sorry, meant to be typing EA not EO

 

Thanks for your comment Mr Lucky, I find it hard to stand up to him because I feel so caught up in how he would feel and where he would go etc. know it’s not my problem.

He has also always said there was nothing physical but I’m not sure, and I read a text from her saying she just wanted to be his friend, which is then when he came back to tell me he had made a huge mistake! I wish I had be strong enough then to just leave!

[Rannie]

Omg!! You have got to leave that guy and file for divorce ASAP. You have been putting up with his twisted abusive behaviour for so long that you don't even realize how bad it is.

 

Forget marriage counselling. That's just a big waste of your time and money. Your husband will never change without several years of individual therapy and you know he's never going to do that because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. Meanwhile he's just becoming more and more abusive. Carrying on an affair right under your nose while telling you all about it. And now he's trying to isolate you from your family. He wants you to hurt your parents by telling them they can't see your daughter anymore so that there will be a rift between you and your family.

 

Your husband is probably personality disordered. Most likely has narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. Those disorders are rarely curable. Look them up and see if you recognize your husband in the description. Your life is never going to get better with him. He will not change. He is a bottomless pit of need and selfishness, he has no empathy. Is that the kind of man you want raising your little girl? He will ruin her and when she grows up she will choose men who can't love (just like dad) and live the life of misery that you live. Is that what you want for her? If you can't leave this hell for yourself then do it for your daughter.

 

The sad thing is I wasn’t strong enough then to just leave, and he appears to now be trying so hard, that my brain is saying ‘it’s not that bad, he’s fine’ I feel like I’m just waiting for the next blow up to have a reason to leave. Especially after the other night when I tried telling him I couldn’t do this anymore. He said he is going through as much a ****ty time as me and has so many of his own insecurities and I should want to help him and marriage is in sickness and in health and I should be more considerate to his insecurities and make changes in what I do to help his insecurities about our relationship. He said he would feel insecure about us if he felt like he was getting the attention he wanted.

 

He grew up in a angry abusive family and he says he doesn’t want to be like that, but that’s what he so easily reverts to and when I call him out on it he gets ****ty that I’m judging him and that I don’t know what it’s like to have been in that. But he is not doing anything to try and change or help his feelings. I don’t want my D to grow up and resent him the way he does his family.

[Josef Reisz]

The first question you should ask yourself is "How much does he love me?"

 

On a scale from 0-100%, how much does he love me? Not how much you feel loved, but how much he really loves you.

 

Everybody has reason as to why they react the way they react. In very rare circumstances, they act with any empathy to their partner. Another word for that would be a toxic relationship.

 

When both really love each other, anything can be resolved, even if it looks like a gordian knot right now.