Selfish?

[heartbrokenlady]

My daughter has recently had my families first great grandchild. He is the first baby born to the children of my brother and me. The baby was born overseas and has just arrived home.

 

The plan was, a big family meal out, including close, further flung and step family members. This was as an introduction to the family, and to take the place of the baby shower she couldn’t have (living overseas) and instead of a baby shower/christening. There have been issues in the past with the step family, but the baby has healed those issues.

 

Daughter picked the restaurant and booked it. Only to find that my sister in law (aunt to my daughter) had already booked somewhere else. Strange, because no one had asked her to, but we brushed it off as her being ‘helpful’, because that seemed more positive and less confrontational than calling it interfering.

 

We tried not to be irritated by my sister in law, as she kept phoning and moaning about the date, the time and the venue. She’s never been too stable and this just seemed like more of the same. We remained upbeat.

 

But then she started complaining about the restaurants hygiene rating. We checked it, and it was mid range. Not pristine, but a pass. We checked Trip Advisor reviews, and they mostly referenced how the restaurant had made huge improvements AND gave rave reviews about the food.

 

Then sis in law, arranged a ‘family’ party for the baby the day before. Again, presumptuous but... we let it go as a nice little extra. Until we worked out this was INSTEAD of her, my brother, neices and partners coming to the real party. Oh, and she’d also talked my mother (baby’s great grandmother) into not coming either. Leaving just distant family members and step family attending.

 

She’d been on the phone a LOT to my mum, but as I said, she’s a bit nuts so I don’t get involved. But clearly, this was all about the party and boycotting it.

 

I was so angry. I messaged her telling her how wrong she was, and how ironic it was she’d picked on the hygiene rating, because her house is beyond filthy (rotten food in the fridge, floors sticky with dirt, the house smells, dirty bathroom etc). No one ever talks about the filth, but I felt, considering, that this was the time.

 

She messaged back saying we could still have HER party but I told her to shove it. And then her daughters (my neices) got involved telling me I’d gone too far.

 

So. I feel like I’m done with her and that side of the family. She’s gone far too far. My grandchild. They’ve all been begging for photos, saying how much they wanted to meet him, how happy they were he was a boy etc etc. But they’re boycotting his party.

 

My mother is elderly so I will remain in touch with her. But for now, I’m not talking to her.

 

Am I over reacting? I’ve tried to look at it rationally but still don’t think I am.

Edited August 2, 2018 by heartbrokenlady

[d0nnivain]

Your sister in law took it upon herself to arrange a family outing for your new grandchild then convinced others to boycott it because she didn't like the hygiene rating of the place she picked? It does sound like you are well rid of her.

 

As for your mom, the baby's great-grandmother & presumably part of the reason you are having this shin-dig, tell her to get her ass there or else.

 

Let the SIL & unfortunately your brother go. Don't bother about them. Don't be affirmatively mean but never lift a finger for any of them again.

 

Now go have this party with your kids & their beautiful baby. Celebrate how blessed you are that they are home & ignore all the rest

[Bumpkin]

No you aren't. Sometimes you have to say what needs to be said and being the peacemaker is always a daunting task. Toxicity is an awful thing especially in a family member. You should probably cut your losses and just spend the time with your grand baby and to heck with the rest.

[OatsAndHall]

No, you had every right to be upset about the situation and confront her about it, seeing as she was actively trying to sabotage the plans you had made. She crossed a line by doing so and needed to be called out on it, whether you likes is or not.

 

 

 

My aunts planned a surprised 60th birthday party for my father several years ago. One aunt asked me who she should put on the guest list for the family dinner and I told her that I wanted her to include my mother. My folks are divorced and had a rocky few years post-split but they get along well now and she hasn't seen all my dad's side of the family in awhile. My aunt agreed to it and I invited my mother. I received a text message three weeks after the fact from the same aunt claiming that she had "talked it over with the other aunts" and decided that it wasn't a good idea for my mother to attend.

 

 

 

I was livid and not because they were excluding my mom, but because I now had to tell my mother she wasn't welcome. I told my aunt that this was going to hurt my mom's feelings and that she should have spoken up three weeks ago if she felt it was a bad idea. She tried to bring up "bad feelings" between my mother and father and I unloaded on her as none of the aunts have been active participants in our lives for decades and they had no idea what kind of relationship they had. It turned into an ugly fight and I finally sent her my mother's number and told her that SHE could explain the whole mess they had created with my mother but she refused.

 

 

 

Long story short, two of the aunts don't talk to me any more but it really woke the third of the group up. These three get together, they get very cliquey and micromanage social events. I don't do family getaways with them anymore as they will have an entire week planned ahead of time and get angry when family members want to do other things. The third aunt seemed to come to this realization and her and I have the best relationship we've had in years.

[RedBaron2765]

No you aren't. Sometimes you have to say what needs to be said and being the peacemaker is always a daunting task. Toxicity is an awful thing especially in a family member. You should probably cut your losses and just spend the time with your grand baby and to heck with the rest.

 

This is spot on. My wife's sister is a total PITA and has caused a lot of problems in the family (and in our marriage) with her drama queen, mooching, nosy ways, and instead of my wife putting her foot down and telling her to knock of the drama, etc., she instead just goes along with her sister, and tries to tell me that "she means well" and "is only trying to help". If I say anything negative about her sister, then I get in serious trouble, so I just keep my trap shut.

 

It's best to let the person know that they're in the wrong - it's not a pleasant task, but better if it's done early.