I was crazy to think I could change him

[act00]

This guy is bad news, and you know it...you won't admit it, but you know it. You're making excuses for him. He cheated on you because he was bored? Are you happy with this type of relationship...that he strays because he's bored with you? Honey, relationships take a lot of work, and if he bails and goes and dips his stick elsewhere because he is bored or doesn't want to take on the responsibility of family, home, wife...it's going to be a painful life for you.

 

Yes you are horrible for "messing with a guy" who is in a relationship. The answer to that is no, you do not involve yourself with someone who has a significant other...you just don't. He cheated on his woman with you, and now he's cheating on you...and you're busy blaming her, and you're busy blaming his boredom, and you're blaming his behaviors on a lot of things...you're not blaming him.

 

Your boyfriend is the problem here...he is the common denominator. He is the one to blame for everything...you deserve some blame too for getting involved, allowing it, making excuses, and not extracting yourself from this toxic mess...but you have a ring and flowers and a card...he knows just what to do to keep his bed warm...and he'll seek elsewhere for it and have his excuses, which you will justify because you're just being stupid. He can boink his ex or any other woman, and then buy you a card, post something on Facebook, jewelry, flowers...and you will be instantly swooned...but he wouldn't do that if he didn't love me...sweetie, he is actively pursuing other women and all it takes is a card to keep you complacent and making excuses for his behavior. He doesn't love you. He just knows what to do to keep your legs open....and it's working.

 

YOUR BOYFRIEND is the PROBLEM. Get out of this relationship and move on. He won't change.

 

Your friends are right. Listen to them.

[d0nnivain]

Destini -- If this is the same guy that moved you to Memphis to live with his Mother, he's not a good guy & he's not good for you. At 18 you should be working on your future, not shacking up with some guy who is so immature with so little potential that adult women his age won't date him. He's going to ruin your life.

 

I'm sure you don't want to break up with him but please use birth control & get an education so you have a future & can support yourself when he dumps you.

[Destini]

Destini: If she is THAT inexperienced and sex is THAT bad with her why did your boyfriend try to have sex with her several times while dating you?

 

He wants sex with her because it's good. If it wasn't he wouldn't.

 

He tried to have sex with her out of boredom? boredom of what or who? boredom of you? If he wanted sex why not have it with you after all he said you were better, right?

 

Well I just know she was a virgin and experienced a lot of her first with him. I only know this because when she found out about me at the time me and him were in our class at Job Corp, which is how we met each other, and she was texting his phone crying about how he could do that to her when he knew she pretty much experienced a lot of her first with him because he was her first real boyfriend. He doesn’t have to tell me I’m better, if I wasn’t, when she left him he could have easily left me and went to be single for a while and then try to date someone else right?

[BaileyB]

Destini: If she is THAT inexperienced and sex is THAT bad with her why did your boyfriend try to have sex with her several times while dating you?

 

He wants sex with her because it's good. If it wasn't he wouldn't.

 

He tried to have sex with her out of boredom? boredom of what or who? boredom of you? If he wanted sex why not have it with you after all he said you were better, right?

 

I think this guy just wants to have sex. Anywhere he can find it... It doesn't seem to matter to him who his partner is on any given day.

Edited June 2, 2018 by BaileyB

[HiCrunchy]

Well I don’t think he knew how to tell her. I’m guessing he tried to spare her feelings when she found out about me from my national boyfriend day post that I tagged him in, because in my eyes he was still my boyfriend it was only a matter of time before she found out anyway. He spared her feelings by telling her I was just a friend and nothing more when she confronted him about the picture. She messaged me for the truth, I told her and that’s when he told her to never call or text him again and to stop texting his girl(me) he claimed me when she did that and pretty much dismissed her from his life which is why I don’t know why he still was hitting her up flirting, commenting on Instagram post and trying to have sex until I caught him. I mean from the looks of it he was done with her to be with me.

 

 

It would be one thing if you didn't know he was dating her, but you did and you were his side chick for a time. Its very likely you would have continued to remain the side chick if you hadn't told his gf via that post. Cuz he wasn't gonna tell her, he liked having a steady girl with some extra on the side with you. Why would he ruin that? Why would he hit up the ex? Because he misses that setup he had going on before. Ur just lucky his ex had enough self respect to day, "nah i'm good" to his cheating ass.

 

He seems conflict avoident and selfish which is a very bad sign....

 

What goes around really does come around my dear. You are still young, so you might learn this the hard way. I would listen to your friends. They don't have those rose colored glasses you have on...

[lakerman34]

I actually disagree with everybody else in this thread. It is very possible that he's actually into you.

 

I grew up with this guy who, in high school, was dating this girl for years (maybe 6). I don't really know HOW it happened, but he broke up with her FOR another woman, and now the "other" woman and he are happily married.

 

My little brother was dating this girl for 3-4 years. They had some issues, but ultimately, the seemed to care for each other and my parents LOVED her. She was just a bit immature. My brother opened a restaurant, and fell for one of his waitresses. Broke up with his girlfriend for the waitress, and now they are engaged.

 

Sometimes, being with the wrong woman helps us see the RIGHT woman even better.

 

With THAT being said, your boyfriend isn't my high school friend or my little brother. Who knows what his intentions are. I'd tread carefully, but I wouldn't necessarily hit the PANIC button right away.

 

Also, for what it's worth, I get the sense that on LS, most people are fatalist (i.e. "the absolute worst thing is happening in your relationship, and you need to get out NOW").

 

It's not always the case.

 

EDIT: Wait, did I not read correctly? If he ever tried cheating on you with an ex, there is no "change." Get out now. That's absolutely inappropriate and breakup worthy behavior.

[Gaeta]

Well I just know she was a virgin and experienced a lot of her first with him. I only know this because when she found out about me at the time me and him were in our class at Job Corp, which is how we met each other, and she was texting his phone crying about how he could do that to her when he knew she pretty much experienced a lot of her first with him because he was her first real boyfriend. He doesn’t have to tell me I’m better, if I wasn’t, when she left him he could have easily left me and went to be single for a while and then try to date someone else right?

 

 

Her experiencing a lot of her 'firsts' with him doesn't mean she's not wild in bed. Apprently she does enough in bed for him to want more.

 

 

 

This guy tells you what you want to hear. He tells you you're better but he tries to have sex with her again and again, what are his actions saying?

 

 

 

Bottom line this man is a cheater, he cheated on her and he tried to cheat on you. There may be a 3rd or 4th woman out there you know nothing about.

[BaileyB]

 

EDIT: Wait, did I not read correctly? If he ever tried cheating on you with an ex, there is no "change." Get out now. That's absolutely inappropriate and breakup worthy behavior.

 

You read correctly. Apparently, the only reason why it hasn't been happening is because the other woman had the good sense to refuse.

 

Doesn't mean it's the truth though, and it doesn't mean there aren't other women. I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him.

[smackie9]

Your friends are wrong...he isn't just in it for sex, he's with you because you are weak and easily manipulated into believing his lies. And because of your choice to put up with his cheating.....that's why he's with you.

[heavenonearth]

What matters is that he tried to sleep with his ex whilst being with you.

 

What kind of woman would respect herself so little to be tagged along by a guy like this dude?

 

I am sorry, you should just dump him and move on.

[heavenonearth]

When one person in your life doesn't like your SO, it's a personality conflict. When ALL your friends think your SO is bad news, listen. They are seeing something you are missing.

The 5 years isn't the problem. Your life stages are too different. He's an adult. You are barely out of high school. It's not a good match

 

Think about it. You said it yourself. He left his older EX who has less sexual experience for you -- a younger woman with more sexual experience. That makes it pretty clear that he wants sex more than companionship.

 

I would not call this guy an adult.

He's not behaving like one...obviously.

[act00]

I actually disagree with everybody else in this thread. It is very possible that he's actually into you.

 

I grew up with this guy who, in high school, was dating this girl for years (maybe 6). I don't really know HOW it happened, but he broke up with her FOR another woman, and now the "other" woman and he are happily married.

 

My little brother was dating this girl for 3-4 years. They had some issues, but ultimately, the seemed to care for each other and my parents LOVED her. She was just a bit immature. My brother opened a restaurant, and fell for one of his waitresses. Broke up with his girlfriend for the waitress, and now they are engaged.

 

Sometimes, being with the wrong woman helps us see the RIGHT woman even better.

 

With THAT being said, your boyfriend isn't my high school friend or my little brother. Who knows what his intentions are. I'd tread carefully, but I wouldn't necessarily hit the PANIC button right away.

 

Also, for what it's worth, I get the sense that on LS, most people are fatalist (i.e. "the absolute worst thing is happening in your relationship, and you need to get out NOW").

 

It's not always the case.

 

EDIT: Wait, did I not read correctly? If he ever tried cheating on you with an ex, there is no "change." Get out now. That's absolutely inappropriate and breakup worthy behavior.

 

You are living in a delusion. There are always "exceptions to the the rule," but in this situation, if you remember past posts or followed a link posted earlier, you will see that this relationship is toxic. This guy is working on some form of "monkey-branching," in that he can't let go of past, he wants to maintain present, and he actively seeks future, and if it's not the ex, it will be someone else...a coworker, or someone else he is in contact with regularly. He'll pursue a new woman the way he pursued the OP, when they met in Job Corp, and he was actively in a relationship at that time.

 

This is a pattern with this man.

 

This boy has issues, and I don't know if these issues can be resolved. The OP certainly can't help him resolve, understand, or change anything...she'll just be beaten down to a skeleton of abuse and low-self esteem, even worse than she is now.

 

We all make excuses and justify...I think a majority of have all been in this situation where we justify and can't see the forest for the trees, and this is when it becomes SO IMPORTANT to LISTEN to our friends and family...and strangers on the internet...when they are ALL telling you to get out of this relationship...it's not working...he's a jerk.

 

The OP is posting because she's clawing and hanging on for dear life that someone will tell her it's going to work out and this man will magically change overnight and be devoted to her 100%, shunning all others...he won't...he never will.

[Destini]

I actually disagree with everybody else in this thread. It is very possible that he's actually into you.

 

I grew up with this guy who, in high school, was dating this girl for years (maybe 6). I don't really know HOW it happened, but he broke up with her FOR another woman, and now the "other" woman and he are happily married.

 

My little brother was dating this girl for 3-4 years. They had some issues, but ultimately, the seemed to care for each other and my parents LOVED her. She was just a bit immature. My brother opened a restaurant, and fell for one of his waitresses. Broke up with his girlfriend for the waitress, and now they are engaged.

 

Sometimes, being with the wrong woman helps us see the RIGHT woman even better.

 

With THAT being said, your boyfriend isn't my high school friend or my little brother. Who knows what his intentions are. I'd tread carefully, but I wouldn't necessarily hit the PANIC button right away.

 

Also, for what it's worth, I get the sense that on LS, most people are fatalist (i.e. "the absolute worst thing is happening in your relationship, and you need to get out NOW").

 

It's not always the case.

 

EDIT: Wait, did I not read correctly? If he ever tried cheating on you with an ex, there is no "change." Get out now. That's absolutely inappropriate and breakup worthy behavior.

 

Well my story is a little different. My boyfriend never left his ex, she found out about me through a picture I posted of us on Facebook and tagged him in it and she broke up with him.

[Gaeta]

Well my story is a little different. My boyfriend never left his ex, she found out about me through a picture I posted of us on Facebook and tagged him in it and she broke up with him.

 

 

Speechless..................

 

 

And this is the man you picked for yourself?

[lakerman34]

For real.

 

Drop this clown, yesterday.

[amaysngrace]

Next time make him break up with her BEFORE you get with him. You'll avoid a whole lot of drama that way.

[Gaeta]

Well I don’t think he knew how to tell her. I’m guessing he tried to spare her feelings when she found out about me from my national boyfriend day post that I tagged him in, because in my eyes he was still my boyfriend it was only a matter of time before she found out anyway. He spared her feelings by telling her I was just a friend and nothing more when she confronted him about the picture. She messaged me for the truth, I told her and that’s when he told her to never call or text him again and to stop texting his girl(me) he claimed me when she did that and pretty much dismissed her from his life which is why I don’t know why he still was hitting her up flirting, commenting on Instagram post and trying to have sex until I caught him. I mean from the looks of it he was done with her to be with me.

 

 

His ex-girlfriend gave him her viginity and he didn't have enough respect or have enough consideration for her to break up before jumping in bed with you. He said he wanted to spare her feelings but the truth is he is a coward, and a player. Then when she discovers the truth about his cheating instead of apologizing and feeling bad for what he's done to her he treats her like dirt. That's a real winner you got there. Remember this, you'll get the same treatment eventually.

[BaileyB]

Well my story is a little different. My boyfriend never left his ex, she found out about me through a picture I posted of us on Facebook and tagged him in it and she broke up with him.

 

This guy is a real prize... Not.

[BaileyB]

Next time make him break up with her BEFORE you get with him.

 

Wise advice.

 

At the very least, let's hope that he breaks up with OP, before he gets with someone else... He certainly didn't do that, when he was trying to get back with his first girlfriend...

[Destini]

His ex-girlfriend gave him her viginity and he didn't have enough respect or have enough consideration for her to break up before jumping in bed with you. He said he wanted to spare her feelings but the truth is he is a coward, and a player. Then when she discovers the truth about his cheating instead of apologizing and feeling bad for what he's done to her he treats her like dirt. That's a real winner you got there. Remember this, you'll get the same treatment eventually.

 

 

He never said out of his mouth he was sparing her feelings but I’m assuming that’s what he was trying to do when she caught him. The first fight we ever had had something to do with him apologizing to her through Facebook messenger weeks later after I told him to block her but he went and added her on his second page after blocking her on the page I told him to block her on. He was saying how he didn’t mean anything he said when he told her to never call or text him again and that he was just mad and that he still wanted to be friends and hang out again one day. I wasn’t upset at the fact he apologized because rather you think I’m in denial or not I truly believe he does things like that just to spare her feelings like I said before even if he never admits it, I was mad at the fact that he texted her at all. It may take some time but eventually I know all this will stop, he will stop for me.

[BaileyB]

It may take some time but eventually I know all this will stop, he will stop for me.

 

Believe what you will...

 

Take the advice from those of us who are old and wise, it's not going to happen. A man who shows such little regard for others is not going to change - just for you. There is nothing special about you or your relationship that would bring about such a remarkable change in character. A leopard doesn't change his spots.

[HiCrunchy]

ur gonna get a lot of hurt out of this relationship deary.

[Gaeta]

It may take some time but eventually I know all this will stop, he will stop for me.

 

 

How many guys you know stopped being jerks toward their girlfriend and turned into prince charming?

 

 

I know none.

[d0nnivain]

It may take some time but eventually I know all this will stop, he will stop for me.

 

On what do you base this belief? Hope? Faith? Your years of dating experience? Your advanced degree in human psychology?

 

Let's lay out the real facts.

 

1. He had a GF.

 

2. He cheated on her with you.

 

3. She found out & dumped him.

 

4. He tried to get back with her several times but she wisely rejected him.

 

5. You continued to provide him with easy available sex even knowing that he was chasing her.

 

6. He wants her back but she won't have him

 

7. You are his SECOND choice.

 

8. He has limited job prospects & lives with his mommy.

 

9. None of your friends like him.

 

 

If I came to you with that tale, would you tell me to stay with this guy?

[Destini]

See when it comes to situations like this you have to wonder what's in for you?

So you are his safety blanket and she's his woman he wants to sleep with and make love too. Are you seriously telling us here you are okay with this crap? Sounds like he wants to cheat on you with her but she won't allow it knowing he's with you. But that's not going to stop a man (more of jerk) from going after his ex to be with. First you should throw him out and go fine someone who's not doing these sneaky text messages behind your back. Once you see that message a bell should have sounded in your brain. Duh wait up and see read and learn he not really into as you had thought, you're just going to get hurt and yet you don't see it until it's too late...

 

How is she the woman he really wants to make love too and be with in that way and I’m just the safety blanket if he’s still with me and never left me.