End a marriage over an affair from a decade ago?

[Tryingtotry]

This may seem like a stupid question, but do you still love your wife? Are you still in love with your wife? Have you always been in love with your wife? Do you think your wife loves you and is devoted to you? How old is your daughter?

 

Not a stupid question in the least, maybe a loaded one in some respects. I love her, no doubt about that. I would die for her. Am I in love with her at this moment? That's a hard one. Let's just say I was. Now I need to come to terms with reality. I gave her my heart a long time ago. She found someone else's heart or D more valuable and consciously stepped on my heart to get to it. She didn't mistakenly step on my heart. Now, for some reason, she later decided my heart was very valuable. So rather than giving it back, she hid the damage telling me how she would never let anything happen to it. Lied because she knew I was not the settling type, not in any respect in life, whether its relationships, lifestyle, health, sex or business. I would've never have stuck with someone like her back then and would have sought something, someone more genuine. I do think she is genuine NOW, but the foundation of her devotion and love taints things now in my eyes. So I guess our love was real but the foundation is fake. My daughter is 7.

[Tryingtotry]

Given that this just came to light, why the DNA test at birth 7 years ago? Seems an unusual step...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I didn't want kids in the first place, to be honest, any woman who was having my kid, the kid would be tested. I had an excuse though for my wife as it was an opportunity for her to shut up the other women in my life who didn't want us to be together. Mostly my family.

[somanymistakes]

Given that this just came to light, why the DNA test at birth 7 years ago? Seems an unusual step...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Really, more people should! If it were a standard thing and not worth eyebrow-raising over, a lot of trouble would be solved, mixups sorted out, etc.

 

I am adamantly opposed to DNA-testing older children in the heat of marital arguments because it will completely destroy your relationship with your children even if the result says that yes, they're yours. They will forever feel that you wanted to get rid of them.

 

Babies? It's better to know so you can make any decisions that need to be made. And if it was a standard thing to check, they wouldn't be hurt by you checking, either.

[Tryingtotry]

Welcome to LS....

 

1. Apparently it's clear your spouse had an affair ten years ago. Do you suspect her of any infidelity today, now?

 

2. Do you want to reconcile your marriage or divorce? If no clear current direction, which would you lean towards right now?

 

IMO, if the foundation of your marriage is strong, reconciliation and putting this discovery in the past is possible. It might take another decade to fully recover. Are you up for that? Was your mutual love strong before this discovery?

 

 

1.No, I couldn't imagine her cheating now.

 

2. I want to divorce. Maybe because I want to know the marriage was or is real. The motivation, or her motivations for it. Problem with divorce is I can't come up with a conclusion in my head where it really is better for my daughter. My wife was probably right. One thing that is hard to accept for me is the fact that it's on me now. She put me in this position but now it is on me. If I can forgive or get past this, it's likely the best case scenario for my daughter. I don't doubt my wife would do whatever it takes. So I really don't know. Don't even know if I'm making sense.

 

Before this, I couldn't believe someone could have a better wife or a better relationship with their wife. At the same time, I can't comprehend her thinking. Did she never think about it, did she always? I'm not even sure I want to know.

[Striver]

I didn't want kids in the first place, to be honest, any woman who was having my kid, the kid would be tested. I had an excuse though for my wife as it was an opportunity for her to shut up the other women in my life who didn't want us to be together. Mostly my family.

 

I guess at this point I need to know a bit more about your situation.

 

What's the background behind your family not wanting you to be together?

 

Her affair started about 10 years ago, when you were 21, she was 23? Were you married then? Exclusive, I'm assuming? How long had you been together?

 

How much history was between you and her? Did it take a while between the two of you getting together and you becoming an exclusive couple?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

....

2. We have been together 12 years, married for eight. My daughter is 7.

3. This incident was ten years ago according to my wife.

 

.......

Some of this does not match up necessarily with what I know about the affair. They went to a hotel enough times for a guy to recall all these years later, a "couple" coming to a hotel in a custom car he wanted to buy. They were "together" and they didn't look like friends. He says he saw them quite a few times. That's why I am pretty sure she has not told me the full truth. I have not pressed her for more either. Basically spending time with my daughter lately and clearing my head. My head says I better work it out as that's the best scenario for my daughter, but that depends on what a relationship will look like between us going forward.

 

 

To recap: 2 years into your relationship she cheated on you with this car guy. 2 years after that (4 yrs into relationship) you got married. You got married because she was pregnant. Since being married, she has been faithful.

 

 

It's still not clear how you found out and what concrete evidence you have. What exactly has your wife confessed to? Does she admit that she cheated on you before you got married?

Edited August 6, 2018 by Betrayed&Stayed

[Mr. Lucky]

It's still not clear how you found out and what concrete evidence you have. What exactly has your wife confessed to? Does she admit that she cheated on you before you got married?

 

Custom 87 Buick Grand National, It was basically handed down to me so I didn't appreciate it back then. Too in love with a Jag I couldn't afford but worked for. To keep it short, a random guy comes up basically offering money for it, said he can't believe they sold it. I thought he somehow got it mixed up. But it was this one, and he described a couple who he thought I bought it from. That's basically what changed the conversation. That and pretending to know more then I did when talking with my wife. She probably screwed him in the car, I don't know. This is why I can't.

 

Apparently the OP ran into someone who'd previously met a "couple" driving his car. His then GF was the female half of the couple, all this occurred before they were married...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Trying,

 

You are in the early stage of uncovering the infidelity. We know it was a long time ago but to you, it fresh with a lot of pain. I would advise you to take tiny steps to find out your true feeling and not acting out on your emotions. You might yet have a marriage you can salvage. Don't act too hastily but relax and try to remember not only the bad but the good things that have transpired in your marriage.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[marky00]

My advice to you is to consult an attorney and expect to go down the path of separation and divorce.

 

Here is why. First of all, you clearly don't believe what your wife said about her affair/cheating. That's no good at all. I don't think you trust your wife at all.

 

You don't trust the counseling/"feelings" process. My impression is that your wife is practiced at using that process to build her web and manipulate people she wants to manipulate. Including you.

 

If you want any chance at an honest marriage, you need to blow her world up. Talk with an attorney. Talk with any friends you trust that have gone through the process. DO NOT TAKE ANY IMMEDIATE ACTION OTHERWISE. There are things that can affect your relationship with your daughter, like moving out. Don't do these things, keep your head. Dance around your wife until you have more of a plan in place.

 

If your wife does a 180, says things you can believe again, you can always reconcile, call things off. But I only see one choice for you at present.

 

I don't think playing games ever works well. People fake dump sometimes and then the dumpee calls their bluff.

 

He can get the info he needs on the side but he doesn't need to wave it in his wife's face as a bargaining chip.

[marky00]

To recap: 2 years into your relationship she cheated on you with this car guy. 2 years after that (4 yrs into relationship) you got married. You got married because she was pregnant. Since being married, she has been faithful.

 

 

It's still not clear how you found out and what concrete evidence you have. What exactly has your wife confessed to? Does she admit that she cheated on you before you got married?

 

She admitted to at least having a drunken one-night stand with this other dude.

 

Based on the car story, we can assume it was likely more than a once off.

 

I think the wife should be given some slack given the fact she's put all of herself in the relationship since the transgression.

 

I totally get why the OP is upset but its hard to know what context this whole thing played out under. For example, if the OP found out that this other guy was just a sex buddy and she stopped it because she loved her husband, then surely that would make the OP a little better about the situation.

[BluesPower]

She admitted to at least having a drunken one-night stand with this other dude.

 

Based on the car story, we can assume it was likely more than a once off.

 

I think the wife should be given some slack given the fact she's put all of herself in the relationship since the transgression.

 

I totally get why the OP is upset but its hard to know what context this whole thing played out under. For example, if the OP found out that this other guy was just a sex buddy and she stopped it because she loved her husband, then surely that would make the OP a little better about the situation.

 

They were in a relationship, so she does not get a sex buddy.

 

What are you even talking about. This women lied from the word go.

 

I have my doubts that she has not been cheating though out the marriage.

 

And what difference does the context or her affair even matter at all...

 

Good grief...

[DKT3]

They were in a relationship, so she does not get a sex buddy.

 

What are you even talking about. This women lied from the word go.

 

I have my doubts that she has not been cheating though out the marriage.

 

And what difference does the context or her affair even matter at all...

 

Good grief...

 

I dont know, judging from how easy she gave it up with him actually having no proof other then a fluky run in with some random dude. I bet she has been faithful since. Had she continued cheating along the way she would have been far less likely to admit to any thing for fear of it all coming out, secondly cheaters won't give it up that easy without it having been weighing on them heavily.

[BluesPower]

I dont know, judging from how easy she gave it up with him actually having no proof other then a fluky run in with some random dude. I bet she has been faithful since. Had she continued cheating along the way she would have been far less likely to admit to any thing for fear of it all coming out, secondly cheaters won't give it up that easy without it having been weighing on them heavily.

 

You may have a point... but my concern is how she lied about "having sex once", we both know that is complete crap.

 

Now, I know they all do that, so OK. Are we thinking that SHE thought she could gas light him with that and minimize it? I know that is standard fare but in her case I make me concerned that there is WAY more that we don't know about her affair. And I am not just talking about having monkey sex 50 times, I am talking actual duration, why it stopped and how serious it was to start with.

 

For me, and I know I am hard about these things, I would just file for divorce and be done with her. When she was confronted and lied, that would have removed all chance of staying with her...

[marky00]

They were in a relationship, so she does not get a sex buddy.

 

What are you even talking about. This women lied from the word go.

 

I have my doubts that she has not been cheating though out the marriage.

 

And what difference does the context or her affair even matter at all...

 

Good grief...

 

Settle Grettle.

 

I'm entitled to my opinion.

 

Fact is this happened 10 years ago. It didn't happen yesterday. It is still screwed up but that makes a difference.

 

Unless his wife is an amazing actress, its possible she was able to pull of this lie for so long because she decided she loved the OP and wanted to make things work for real.

 

Its also possible she's an amazing liar and an actress.

 

Up to the OP what he wants to do or think. But given the amount of time that has passed, context and bigger picture actually do matter as opposed to only focusing on the transgression.

[BluesPower]

Settle Grettle.

 

I'm entitled to my opinion.

 

Fact is this happened 10 years ago. It didn't happen yesterday. It is still screwed up but that makes a difference.

 

Unless his wife is an amazing actress, its possible she was able to pull of this lie for so long because she decided she loved the OP and wanted to make things work for real.

 

Its also possible she's an amazing liar and an actress.

 

Up to the OP what he wants to do or think. But given the amount of time that has passed, context and bigger picture actually do matter as opposed to only focusing on the transgression.

 

Yes you are completely entitled... As am I.

 

The thing you don't recognize or understand, based on your past threads, is that for OP, this did just happen yesterday.

 

Further, she chose to lie to him once she was busted.

 

OP can do whatever he wants, but understand to him, it feels like she was screwing the guy last night.

 

This is not something that a smart person sweeps under the rug because it happened 10 years ago.

 

It also proves that SHE is a cheater, so now he is married to a cheater when he thought he was married to an honorable women. Who knows how many other times she cheated, we know she is capable of it though?

 

So yeah, I actually vote for divorce, she stole what... 10 years from him under false pretenses. Yeah, I would divorce her, but that is his decision...

[marky00]

Yes you are completely entitled... As am I.

 

 

Yeah u are but I am not appending my posts with "good grief". Your opinion will suffice.

 

And yes I do realise that its fresh for the OP which is why I said its up to him.

 

But from my own life experiences, its not straight forward to "punish" someone for an act today for something that happened years ago.

 

But if the OP can't get over the shock of it or w/e, then he will do what he needs to do. I just made the point that if it comes out that his wife only had sex with this guy but then committed to the OP thereafter because she loved him, as the OP, I think my ego at the very least would be feeling a bit better. Not saying that in itself vindicates a particular decision.

 

And I certainly never suggested that he rug sweep the issue.

Edited August 8, 2018 by marky00

[Simple Logic]

It was 10 years ago for his wife. For him, it just happened!

 

 

My wife confessed her affair 8 years after the fact, so I know what the OP is going through. Not only does he have to process the fact of the affair, but he also has to process the 10 years that he was duped.

 

Oh please. People make mistakes. If the marriage has been on solid ground for the last 10 years, he had better take that into account and quit playing the victim.

[Marc878]

Wow some great advise, things I never thought of. I will try to clarify somethings as far as where things are with me and my wife and what I know etc.

 

1. My daughter is biologically mine. I had her tested when she was born.

2. We have been together 12 years, married for eight. My daughter is 7.

3. This incident was ten years ago according to my wife.

 

Lots of you have mentioned getting the full truth. I'll be honest, I was never interested in it because I had no plans to stay with her. I had already spoken with my lawyer about divorce before telling her we're getting a divorce. I came to her regarding divorce issues initially. I never mentioned the affair. She thought it was a joke at first, then played stupid for a while. She eventually worked her way up to "I have been a faithful wife". Technically it may be true because she became my wife in 2010 when she was pregnant with my daughter. It felt calculated on her part because she seemed to be focused on the years we have been married. She reiterated how she kept her vows and she doesn't know what my problem is. She had the nerve to even say it looks like I'm the one who didn't take my vows seriously.

 

Seems to be pretty entitled.

 

She claimed she has never touched or kissed anybody. She hasn't done anything but "be a faithful wife" to me. I eventually had enough of the horn tooting. I told her I would make sure to get her a effing cookie to go with her divorce papers for being a faithful wife and I left. She called me later crying and said this must be "something" from a long time ago babe. I hung up in her face. She later called and left voicemails sobbing about how she was sorry and it was only one time, she got too drunk, she was young, etc.

 

Trickle truthing. Not a good sign. She's trying to play you now

 

Some of this does not match up necessarily with what I know about the affair. They went to a hotel enough times for a guy to recall all these years later, a "couple" coming to a hotel in a custom car he wanted to buy. They were "together" and they didn't look like friends. He says he saw them quite a few times.

 

Verified through a 3rd party. Do you know who her boyfriend was?

 

That's why I am pretty sure she has not told me the full truth. I have not pressed her for more either. Basically spending time with my daughter lately and clearing my head. My head says I better work it out as that's the best scenario for my daughter, but that depends on what a relationship will look like between us going forward.

 

Cheaters lie a lot and that's pretty much all you've gotten

 

The proble is now you deep down know the full truth. It was an affair. She made a willing and conscious decesion to cheat. It wasn't a drunken mistake.

[Marc878]

Unfortunately the betrayal of infidelity cuts deep and never full goes away. Not counting the attempted cover up after discovery.

 

It sounds like she has regrets of getting caught. Not much more than that.

 

OP has some thinking to do on which way he wants to go. It really depends on your make up. Is it a deal breaker or not? If it is you'd be better of to file now and get on with your life.

 

Her actions so far indicate just stay together with her rug sweeping.

 

Many do just that. Stay together but never truly R.

[Marc878]

Oh please. People make mistakes. If the marriage has been on solid ground for the last 10 years, he had better take that into account and quit playing the victim.

 

Easy to say when you don't have to eat that **** sandwich being served

[bigman1]

It seems that divorce was already on the table because of a lot of issues. It seems that her cheating when you were dating but before you got married has caused more problems. Since you were already contemplating divorce, you already decided that divorce would not be detrimental to your child.

 

Does cheating around the age of 21 justify divorce at age 31....I don't know. I can only judge that at 21, even though I was a college graduate and in professional school, I was still immature. Immature on a relative scale. I was not childish, but by age 29 I was so much more mature and contemplative of my actions and their impact. Heck, at 24 I was too, but not as much as 29 or later. I say that because I recognize that I can only speculate about your wife's maturity level at age 21 based on my own personal experience with life.

 

Still, it seems to me that infidelity at 21 was not the issue that brought you to the divorce talk. It was fuel for the fire, but not essential to the fire. I would suggest that divorce was really the product of people who were probably too young and immature getting together and toughing it out until they both matured and saw the flaws in their relationship that youthful ignorance, stubbornness, and associated foibles allowed to exist and grow into a problem.

 

My point is that I would suggest that you see about working on your other problems and then decide if divorce should occur. Then again, you might ought to divorce anyway because the problems are so systemic that they cannot be fixed. 21 years old, ignorant, immature, and unfaithful don't seem like a deal breaker 10 years later. It may be the final straw.

[anika99]

Wow some great advise, things I never thought of. I will try to clarify somethings as far as where things are with me and my wife and what I know etc.

 

1. My daughter is biologically mine. I had her tested when she was born.

2. We have been together 12 years, married for eight. My daughter is 7.

3. This incident was ten years ago according to my wife.

 

Lots of you have mentioned getting the full truth. I'll be honest, I was never interested in it because I had no plans to stay with her. I had already spoken with my lawyer about divorce before telling her we're getting a divorce. I came to her regarding divorce issues initially. I never mentioned the affair. She thought it was a joke at first, then played stupid for a while. She eventually worked her way up to "I have been a faithful wife". Technically it may be true because she became my wife in 2010 when she was pregnant with my daughter. It felt calculated on her part because she seemed to be focused on the years we have been married. She reiterated how she kept her vows and she doesn't know what my problem is. She had the nerve to even say it looks like I'm the one who didn't take my vows seriously. She claimed she has never touched or kissed anybody. She hasn't done anything but "be a faithful wife" to me. I eventually had enough of the horn tooting. I told her I would make sure to get her a effing cookie to go with her divorce papers for being a faithful wife and I left. She called me later crying and said this must be "something" from a long time ago babe. I hung up in her face. She later called and left voicemails sobbing about how she was sorry and it was only one time, she got too drunk, she was young, etc.

 

Some of this does not match up necessarily with what I know about the affair. They went to a hotel enough times for a guy to recall all these years later, a "couple" coming to a hotel in a custom car he wanted to buy. They were "together" and they didn't look like friends. He says he saw them quite a few times. That's why I am pretty sure she has not told me the full truth. I have not pressed her for more either. Basically spending time with my daughter lately and clearing my head. My head says I better work it out as that's the best scenario for my daughter, but that depends on what a relationship will look like between us going forward.

 

Your wife's mindset is what is so disturbing here. That and the fact that she may still be lying. It's not that an affair from is unforgivable it the attitude she is giving you. You're the one who has had his world blown apart and your heart stomped on, yet she is setting herself up to be the victim.

 

She has shoved her crappy actions back on you and now you will be the big baddie if you don't just accept and forgive immediately. I just can't get over her nerve and I think she always planned to take this approach if she ever got caught. To go on the defensive and blame you. It's really pretty sick the way she is twisting this and setting you up. Very disturbing and not the behaviour of someone who has empathy or remorse.

 

Not saying you should run right out and get divorced but definitely do not allow your wife to rug sweep this. You need full honesty and transparency and you need to see real empathy and remorse. You will know it when you see it. Right now I think any remorse she is showing is fake and meant to try to manipulate the outcome she wants. Real remorse will not include any of this ridiculous blame shifting and false victim hood. Do not allow her to get away with that.

[Tryingtotry]

For example, if the OP found out that this other guy was just a sex buddy and she stopped it because she loved her husband, then surely that would make the OP a little better about the situation.

 

I don't know why but this was funny, I had a good laugh. I needed this. It would actually be worse. Actually, if she was not in love with me all this time, and she was in love with someone else, but had the morals to never screw them I would feel better about the situation. Even if she did screw them once and she told me on her own I would feel better about it. I'm weird I guess.

[Tryingtotry]

I dont know, judging from how easy she gave it up with him actually having no proof other then a fluky run in with some random dude. I bet she has been faithful since. Had she continued cheating along the way she would have been far less likely to admit to any thing for fear of it all coming out, secondly cheaters won't give it up that easy without it having been weighing on them heavily.

 

She didn't know what evidence I had, only that the relationship was coming to an end. I too believe it was mostly that it was weighing on her as she has been more forthcoming.

[Tryingtotry]

I believe I got the truth or at least a lot more of it. She admitted more happened between them. It went on for about six months. It ended when she started going to AA meetings. This makes a lot more sense, even with my memory of things back then, her behavioral changes and such. Other than that, she has been going above and beyond in every way possible to make me feel better.

 

While the raw anger has subsided I still think divorce is the best way to go in the long run for a couple of reasons. I can forgive her, but I can't put it behind me. I can't put all these years of deceit behind me. I can't put any of it behind me while she's in front of me.

 

Right now loving her in a romantic way is like cancer. I love her but her very presence is an impediment to our relationship. Her presence was a source of love and happiness to my mind but now her presence brings love and pain which I'm learning is a toxic combination. I'm ready for us to move on now rather than possibly suffer through the next 10 years as somebody mentioned just to say look what we did, we made it back to where we should have been ten years ago? Life is short and that doesn't make sense to me. If she makes another mistake, because that's what humans do, I might have to wait how long to find out? Had she been truthful and told me before I found out, things might be a lot different. For now, I have agreed to go to marriage counseling with her because I do love her and my daughter and they both deserve for me to exhaust every possible avenue.