End a marriage over an affair from a decade ago?

[aliveagain]

Sorry that you have been put in this position, betrayal hurts like hell. I guess where I am coming from, none of this information is helping you or your marriage. You were already in the process of divorcing her. Her actions 10 years ago prevented you from making the right decisions about your futures. Had she been honest about her infidelity I would bet a lot of money that you would never have married her and this would not be your situation now. You were played. They always have memory loss when the information she can't remember is so bad she knows you'd divorce her finding out about it.

 

I am glad she has finally been honest with you but that doesn't change the fact that she betrayed you and took years of your life away from you by controlling the outcome, she withheld crucial information from you. The good news, you have an amazing daughter and your wife is now being honest. What do you want to do with all of this? This is now only about you.

Edited October 3, 2018 by aliveagain

[Tryingtotry]

I think before anyone comments it would be good to know your plans for the marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well my head is clearer I think.... now. I am going to stay with her. Even after doing some ridiculous snooping out of sheer paranoia she has proven to be a good wife, people would laugh at me if I even told them I had her checked out. That's how different she is now. Still, sometimes I feel like she deserves to be divorced, or at the very least beg and claw her way back for me to even consider staying with her but that's not what the woman here today deserves.

 

So I did let her off the hook perhaps too easily in that I can't deny she is indeed not this same messed up person anymore. I don't want her over stressing herself or doing things to make up for something that can't be made up for either. But it's clear she would be willing to try. There is also the reality that if I respond by making her/&my daughters life worse or more stressful then it already was her decisions to lie would be somewhat justified. After reading around it seems it take years for this pain to go away and not go away but only lessen. My daughter is not going to get these years back, I'm not going to get them back, and neither is my wife. I worked too hard to create a good life to have my family to spend it in misery or frustration.

 

What I personally thought was the worse advice, to "get over it". That's the closest to reality, it can't be gotten over for someone like me, but I will have to "deal with it", and keep my wife or daughter from having to "deal with it" as best I can. If I can do that and have a happy home I will look back and be genuinely happy. Even if I'm not my happiest right now. It would be something I wouldn't regret. My plan is for my daughter to have an amazing childhood and I guess that means my wife has to have a good time to, I used to say she would have the best childhood by any means necessary, and I would leave whatever and whoever in my wake. Well now it's me and my head that is in the way. All this is easier said than done as I learn every day, but I have a plan for how I might make it work going forward.

 

Emotionally I don't have the same gas I used to, its like I'm running on fumes so to speak. So I am still seeing what is possible and realistic. I have been working on a pragmatic way to for it to work. Sounds crazy but once I get it all out maybe it will make sense. Or maybe people who have been there will warn me it a bad plan long term, maybe its a bad idea to let her off the hook as I have read sometimes it can be perceived as weak and the wife goes crazy I don't know. Currently, I mostly prep and deal with things in my head well before I actually go home, we also have a way for me to let her know when I need to get my head right. Its not sexy but it helps so far.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trying, I find your story a very sad one.I would suggest that before you take any decision either pro reconciliation or pro divorce that you sit down with a sheet of paper and list out all the points for and against your wife's actions, attitude and behaviour and logic of thought prior to the start of her affair, during her affair and subsequent to it till the present time. Once you have listed these points you should weight them according to your own set of ethics and moral compass. Having done so you then tot up the weights for and against reconciling and divorce, separately so as to form a clear picture of what you are having to mentally struggle with. I do not say that this exercise will tell you what to do. It will only help you decide which direction you would prefer to go in keeping in mind your emotional and mental equanimity in mind.

 

While there is no doubt the fact that your wife was young and ostensibly immature when she allowed herself to have an affair, the fact remains that it is very obvious from what you have laid out as her thought process leading up to her affair, that you were always Plan B in her scheme of things and she was out testing the waters and getting her kicks with her macho stud all the while keeping you on the back burner just in case things back fired. And back fire they did! I think her AHA moment was when her so called Beau bailed in the face of her medical crisis and left her friend to tend to her, not bothering to offer any kind of help and support when she needed it most. You were the boring reliable and responsible person she could depend on to pull her out out of the well she found herself in. It reminds me so much about the story of the Prodigal son who came back shamefacedly to his father to bail him out and of course his father loved him so much that he treated him like a Prince.

 

All I can say is you have a very difficult road ahead of you. Some people here have tried to over simplify things but as is the case in most human situations the answers and paths forward are not so simple. Give this a good once over. Best wishes.

[Tryingtotry]

Sorry that you have been put in this position, betrayal hurts like hell. I guess where I am coming from, none of this information is helping you or your marriage. You were already in the process of divorcing her. Her actions 10 years ago prevented you from making the right decisions about your futures. Had she been honest about her infidelity I would bet a lot of money that you would never have married her and this would not be your situation now. You were played. They always have memory loss when the information she can't remember is so bad she knows you'd divorce her finding out about it.

 

I am glad she has finally been honest with you but that doesn't change the fact that she betrayed you and took years of your life away from you by controlling the outcome, she withheld crucial information from you. The good news, you have an amazing daughter and your wife is now being honest. What do you want to do with all of this? This is now only about you.

 

Yup, I did get played, but I can't even come back. Its game set match, I realize I lost, once she had my daughter it wasn't even close. It's a L I have to take. The only way she could lose is to set herself up to be a bad example for my daughter to follow now. It's partly my fault in that I was young and not putting certain qualities at the forefront when looking at women. In that sense, I am fortunate she happened to make a change.

[Art_Critic]

Hate to be a Debbie Downer and I know your Wife has made all the dates and everything match up but have you thought that maybe your Daughter isn't yours?

 

This would be the first thing in my mind but remember, you say she is being brutally honest but something called "Trickle Truth" happens after a person admits to having an affair..

 

There is always more than they say.. there has been so far.. when you first posted she told you they only slept together once and now you find out later it's more.. "Trickle Truth"

 

One thing is for sure, she will protect the timeline at this point to protect your Daughter..

I'm not sure exactly how I would handle it if this happened to me.. for sure I would do more digging and put it all together..

I Think I likely would divorce and if I did I would order a paternity test...

If by chance we didn't divorce I would get her butt in front of a Therapist and work out the WTF and then work on the pain from the betrayal...

[elaine567]

Hate to be a Debbie Downer and I know your Wife has made all the dates and everything match up but have you thought that maybe your Daughter isn't yours?

 

 

 

Already tested at birth. #24

[Art_Critic]

Already tested at birth. #24

 

Thank You... I guess it helps to read all the way through...

Sorry OP, seems you have that one taken care of

[Mr. Lucky]

Even after doing some ridiculous snooping out of sheer paranoia she has proven to be a good wife, people would laugh at me if I even told them I had her checked out. That's how different she is now.

 

So wasn't it this new, changed, different "good wife" that told you this?

 

She claims now they only slept together once, and she barely remembers it because they were both so drunk and it was a long time ago.

 

You've been trickle-truthed Tryingtotry, a process that obviously continues. Going forward may require that you swallow that shyte-sandwich...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

You've been trickle-truthed Tryingtotry, a process that obviously continues. Going forward may require that you swallow that shyte-sandwich...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

There is a newer update

 

#74

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elaine, I think you missed the context of Mr. Lucky's latest post. The point Trying needs to remember is that had his wife confessed her infidelity immediately on her breaking up with her beau and having her so called 'Come to Jesus' moment but before she became pregnant with his daughter, he most likely would have dumped her on the spot. She played a real good trick on him by getting pregnant with his child since she knew what kind of man he was and that he would have coolly walked away from her if this was not the case Although she did not confess, by her getting pregnant and keeping that ace up her sleeve, she knew she could hedge her bets later on as she probably knew that Trying would stick with her if ever her infidelity was exposed, just because he was the kind of man who would not abandon his daughter/ child. Maybe I am giving her too much credit where none is due but the fact remains that the way things have worked out and with Trying having changed his position a 180 degrees from his initial posture, it seems she could be the world's greatest strategist! Just a thought.

Edited October 3, 2018 by Just a Guy

[Veronica73]

Tryingtotry, you sound like a really good, strong man. I hope your marriage gets stronger and you and your family have a great life together.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is a newer update

 

#74

 

Just A Guy is indeed correct. I'd seen the update, but my point is simply that her story has evolved since D-Day despite her earlier epiphany it was the "old her" who had cheated. "New her" seems equally ambiguous about the truth...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

Why were you in the process of divorcing her even though you didn't know about her infidelity? What is causing you to change your mind? Marriages can survive infidelity as long as the couple are equally committed to doing the necessary work to fix it. That would include her getting the professional help needed to deal with her FOO issues(family of origin) as they probably had a lot to do with her early behavior. Independent counselling should be a key requirement of reconciliation, she needs to find out why she gave herself the approval to cheat and treat you like sh*t.

 

She needs to do whatever you need to make you feel safe. That person that did all those horrible things to you is still there ready to resurface under the right circumstances. You need to protect yourself if you decide to stay with her. Please stay for the right reasons, don't stay just because you have a child together, in time you will resent yourself for doing it. Talk to a lawyer, you still need to know your rights in case things go sideways and you may want his opinion about a post nuptial agreement. The foundation of your marriage is still built on deceit, lies and betrayal. She has had 10 years to plan for this day, you just found out as if it just happened last week. Give yourself the time you need to grieve who you thought you married. Get the help you need to fix what is broken because neither one of you are qualified to try and fix this on your own.

 

Set boundaries as well as consequences for breaking them. Honesty is the one thing that has been missing in your marriage, that would be a good place to start.

[elaine567]

I get the whole "OMG she is trickle truthing, how awful" but is that not just par for the course.

The cheater has a lot to lose and like anyone else with a lot to lose is not going to come totally clean if they do not have to.

Minimising the damage is surely a normal response to such a situation.

The reality of it is that NOTHING is going to be right, so if she truthfully comes clean day one and says "Yes we had sex 50+ times, wonderful exciting sex, I loved him, he is my soulmate, he is so funny and charming, nothing compares to him, I now want to die", is that still going to be met with "But what is the REAL truth here" .

Who decides the REAL truth?

 

Does it really matter?

She still cheated, OK she may never mention "the truth" to the nth degree but is it really so necessary that she does so?

Is poring over the nitty gritty actually helpful to anyone?

[ABernie]

I'm glad you are trying to work on the marriage. Are you in MC?

 

My STBX had a huge 15 year lie (12 of which we were married). It wasn't infidelity, but it's big enough that our marriage can be annulled. I tried for 3 years of MC to get over it. I just couldn't.

 

I knew it was finished when I met someone else who pulled me out of my funk. I had been dead inside. I had felt like I would never be attracted to any one (male or female) again. It was my wake-up moment. I very much hope that you have your wake-up moment with your W.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is poring over the nitty gritty actually helpful to anyone?

 

Elaine, that's a pretty big question with a reach far greater than just this thread.

 

I'll put it this way - there's very few BS's, myself included, that didn't think they wanted to know - or were owed - the truth, in whatever "nitty gritty" detail they felt they needed.

 

It's sort of a litmus test - if your WS can't be truthful about what happened in the past, how can I believe they'll be truthful in the future? When the next time comes where they feel they're someone "with a lot to lose who is not going to come totally clean if they do not have to", does the lies, manipulation and craziness start all over again?

 

Recovering from infidelity requires a leap of faith. But speaking only for myself, you better give me a pretty good reason to believe...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

I get the whole "OMG she is trickle truthing, how awful" but is that not just par for the course.

The cheater has a lot to lose and like anyone else with a lot to lose is not going to come totally clean if they do not have to.

Minimising the damage is surely a normal response to such a situation.

The reality of it is that NOTHING is going to be right, so if she truthfully comes clean day one and says "Yes we had sex 50+ times, wonderful exciting sex, I loved him, he is my soulmate, he is so funny and charming, nothing compares to him, I now want to die", is that still going to be met with "But what is the REAL truth here" .

Who decides the REAL truth?

 

Does it really matter?

She still cheated, OK she may never mention "the truth" to the nth degree but is it really so necessary that she does so?

Is poring over the nitty gritty actually helpful to anyone?

Yes, its necessary. Why? Deciding to reconcile is very difficult, it's a constant battle between self love and self preservation vs the love you have for the ws and the relationship. Having the TRUTH allows you to make the best possible decision.

 

If a wife said, I messed up, I got drunk and slept with another guy, it will never happen again, I believe most men could at least consider working it out. However, if you later find out she chased the guy for six months, sent countless messages and naked photos, and it was only a one time thing because the OM made that decision, it makes all the difference in the world.

[Tryingtotry]

I apologize for the late reply. I appreciate all the feedback, it helps to hear a voice/opinion other than my own.

 

So wasn't it this new, changed, different "good wife" that told you this?

 

No, that's actually my thinking. One of the few people I told when I was planning on divorce said exactly that, " but she is a totally different person" or something to that effect.

 

You've been trickle-truthed Tryingtotry, a process that obviously continues. Going forward may require that you swallow that shyte-sandwich...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Anything is possible at this point. My confidence in my judgment is shaky these days, hence this forum. I do lean towards her having told the truth or most of it. It's clear by her words and demeanor she has unloaded a huge burden she has been carrying for a long time. She has made many changes as a person since those days. She is not into material things as she once was. She used to want to drag me to every club back then as well. She went from that to trying to drag me to church functions and volunteer work. I believe she has at the very least been trying to change. Of course, I know if you can change from something you can very well change back.

[Tryingtotry]

Why were you in the process of divorcing her even though you didn't know about her infidelity? What is causing you to change your mind? Marriages can survive infidelity as long as the couple are equally committed to doing the necessary work to fix it. That would include her getting the professional help needed to deal with her FOO issues(family of origin) as they probably had a lot to do with her early behavior. Independent counselling should be a key requirement of reconciliation, she needs to find out why she gave herself the approval to cheat and treat you like sh*t.

 

I did know, I didn't have rock solid evidence like a video but I definitely knew. Part of the reason I wanted to divorce is anger, and fear of what might become of that anger or me. I only know one way to respond to someone who tries to hurt me or someone I love like that. That is to destroy them. If its someone who is too close I remove them from my life and they might as well be dead to me. This is a situation I never experienced. My hands are tied.

 

She is in IC, she has been getting this kind of help for most of her life. What changed my mind was I assessed what really was best for my family. Also the reality of my wife's behavior during the marriage (outside of lying) she would do anything I ask, anything. Maybe it was out of guilt I don't know, but even now if I said I needed or just really wanted her to do something its not a question whether she would try to do it. There is nothing I wanted from her that I have not gotten from her in this marriage that I can think of if she has told the truth at this point. Honesty is priority number one right now and she knows it I think.

 

She needs to do whatever you need to make you feel safe. That person that did all those horrible things to you is still there ready to resurface under the right circumstances. You need to protect yourself if you decide to stay with her. Please stay for the right reasons, don't stay just because you have a child together, in time you will resent yourself for doing it. Talk to a lawyer, you still need to know your rights in case things go sideways and you may want his opinion about a post nuptial agreement. The foundation of your marriage is still built on deceit, lies and betrayal. She has had 10 years to plan for this day, you just found out as if it just happened last week. Give yourself the time you need to grieve who you thought you married. Get the help you need to fix what is broken because neither one of you are qualified to try and fix this on your own.

 

Set boundaries as well as consequences for breaking them. Honesty is the one thing that has been missing in your marriage, that would be a good place to start.

 

Thanks for the lawyer tip, I need to be reminded I should be ready for anything for my little one's sake regardless of how things look.

 

Here is where it gets tricky, we are staying together, I don't think we are "reconciling" per se. I can no longer trust that my wife will always have me and my daughter's backs. While I love her It's hard to put it into words where I am in terms of me and her mentally speaking.

 

I know reconciling entails a lot of work to really reconnect and regain trust to be "in love" again etc. I can't spend these years of my life in pain trying to figure out if my wife really loves me or if I'm Plan B. Not going to spend it wondering if she sexually enjoyed this guy more than me. I know she probably did enjoy him more or else what's the purpose? I really don't care at this point. All that is on her. If she's stupid enough to view me as a Plan B then hopefully she gets a chance at a "Plan A". Certainly wouldn't be the end of the world for me. There is literally NOTHING my wife could do to make me feel safe or not safe at this point, nothing. She lost that luxury, I have to provide such things to myself.

 

No longer do I get any emotional bliss from the delusion that my wife has some all-encompassing great love for me. I get my joy from knowing I did and still do love her for real. I kept my promises as well as my word, which is something I take pride in. I don't believe she can love me, herself, or my daughter the way I love them. I only hope she can keep up at least because if she does not want to enjoy life with me, she will have to go elsewhere as I don't have time to coddle her. If she does want to enjoy life with me then I will try to love her the best I can and make her life joyful because I do love her.

 

She has a fresh slate in that I won't hold this against her going forward. It gives me a chance to see who she really is, free of guilt, what kind of person does she want to be. Should I be affair proofing my marriage? Maybe, but personally, if that's who she is I would rather let it happen so I can divorce her for who she really is rather than stay for who I want her to be.

 

All I know is I won't be in anguish over this crap. Not to say it does not fold me like teething toddler at times alone in private, but I don't have the time to make it a way of life.

[Tryingtotry]

Tryingtotry, you sound like a really good, strong man. I hope your marriage gets stronger and you and your family have a great life together.

 

Thanks! Even if one doesn't feel like it, when someone speaks it, its easier to believe it.

[Tryingtotry]

I'm glad you are trying to work on the marriage. Are you in MC?

 

My STBX had a huge 15 year lie (12 of which we were married). It wasn't infidelity, but it's big enough that our marriage can be annulled. I tried for 3 years of MC to get over it. I just couldn't.

 

I knew it was finished when I met someone else who pulled me out of my funk. I had been dead inside. I had felt like I would never be attracted to any one (male or female) again. It was my wake-up moment. I very much hope that you have your wake-up moment with your W.

 

Thanks,

Yes, we are in MC, can't say if it helps. I realize for me there is nothing anyone can do to make me feel better about the situation. I hope against logic that the wake-up moment comes with my wife. If it does it will be a loooong way off! decades even as I am just about closed off to that level of connection. That wake up moment I think requires a high level of trust and such.

[Rotn'roses]

I feel like your post shows you to be pretty level-headed and sure of who you are and what you can and will or will not tolerate from a partner. You also are clear and concise and although angrt you seem to be in large part, control of it at the moment. For someone who knows themselves as well as you seem to, a therapist could hardly tell you anything you dont already know about yourself or how to treat your wife ( it was a decade ago). Your problem as you clearly stated is that she knew who you were too, and she still covered it up after the affair occured, adding insult to injury and tainting all that occured after the incident because you know you would have made different decisions in your life had you but known. Ouch. I feel you on that one. Betrayal. One of the worst things a person whom you trust and love and give your life to could ever do to you. An intrinsic quality you would have not accepted in the one you loved so gladly. Ouch. Anger is the logical play of the cards here from your corner of the table. How else can a game like this play out, presently? Just keep your cards close to your heart from now on out until you are either ready to play the game again with your wife, or until you decide to fold your hand and walk away for good. And try to actively find a way to eventually dissipate all your anger in a healthy manner so that her misdeeds do not corrupt all the wonderful things you still have in this life. It sucks that this has happened, but no one is entitled to an unsecured lifetime of happiness. For we all fall short of the glory of God. And forgiveness is a beautiful gift that I pray one day envelopes your life. Although it may look bad for you now, the Lord is Good. It may seem like you will never smile again, it may look like the enemy has the upper hand, no matter how bad they lie on you, and on a dark and dismal night, one thing stands out like a shining beacon of hope...the Lord is Good. That is divine assurance. There is Good out there in the world, and you were divingly created. Peace be with your house. God bless.

[Simple Logic]

It was 10 years ago for his wife. For him, it just happened!

 

 

My wife confessed her affair 8 years after the fact, so I know what the OP is going through. Not only does he have to process the fact of the affair, but he also has to process the 10 years that he was duped.

 

If that all you have to process your decision should come quite easily.

[David33]

She's lying if she tells you she doesn't remember someone she slept with 10 years go, even if it was only once. I remember one night stands from 30 years ago and I'm a dude.