HELP! I'm So Confused

[prrthd1]

I know this is a subject that is brought up time after time, but I'm having a hard time telling if my guy friend wants more. We have known each other for around 10 yrs. but just really started becoming friends about 1 1/2 years ago. At first, we just did stuff with a group of friends. Then, about 10 months ago we started going out on our own. I didn't think of this as dating because I didn't think he did. His mom died at the first of the year and he called me to come to the hospital. We talked constantly around that time and he told me he felt like he could tell me anything. We were inseparable for the next few weeks and talked on the phone almost daily. Then all of the sudden we just stopped calling each other. We would see each other 2-3 times per week, but no phone calls. Things have gotten back to normal as far as us going places, etc. (We still don't really call each other).

 

At times I have thought he likes me by things he says. For example, we were talking about dating and he said he didn't want to date anyone his age, he would like someone younger. (I'm 16 yrs. younger than him). Also, I was saying something once about a cosmetic procedure I was having done to my teeth and he said he didn't care if a girl he dated had perfect teeth or not. Little comments like that make me wonder sometimes.

 

However, I always convince myself that he just wants to be friends. Either that, or we are both too chicken to make a move. I must add that he has only had one serious relationship, so he may be afraid to commit to anyone. He doesn't have any other women in his life, or serious friends for that matter.

 

What should I do? Do I just wait and be miserable? Should I make the first move? Is is time for the "talk"? If so, how do I initiate that?

[elijahBailey]

ask him out. I seriously wouldn't have a problem with girls making the first moves. And ask him if he's ever imagined seeing the both of ya together. I wouldn't push it past that point. Just get an idea of where he's at, mentally, at this point of time. He does sound like a decent guy, so I think it might be ok to look a little vulnerable.

[prrthd1]

The problem is that we ask each other to go places all the time. I would have to make it clear that I mean as a couple. It has just recently gotten to the point that he will talk about the fact that most people already think we are an item.

 

I forgot to add in my first post that he asked me to go on vacation with him. I didn't go because I didn't think he was serious, but I was certainly suprised.

[elijahBailey]

The problem is that we ask each other to go places all the time. I would have to make it clear that I mean as a couple. It has just recently gotten to the point that he will talk about the fact that most people already think we are an item.

 

I forgot to add in my first post that he asked me to go on vacation with him. I didn't go because I didn't think he was serious, but I was certainly suprised.

 

what?? And you didn't think he was serious? Why?

 

Unless his delivery was extremely poor, why did you have any reason to think otherwise? Listen, I'm really and positively not being patronizing, but how old are you and will this be your first serious relationship?

 

You seem to want him to verbally acknowledge the fact that you're a couple before you'll believe it? I'm not saying the relationship now is exclusive, but all the signs seem to point towards the fact that it's headed in the right direction. He may need time, and you may need time. And, most relationships didn't start out with any verbal 'ok, we're a couple now' thingy

 

Also, is he like very shy kinda guy? If so, like you said, he might be chicken And that would explain a lot of things here.

 

these are the things (you said) which I think he dig you....

1. he talks about the fact that most people think you're an item (provided he doesn't feel uncomfortable when he said it)

2. he asks ya to go on a vaction with him (how did ya miss this one)

3. talks on the phone daily (may not mean much, but see below)

4. reaffirms you when you speak of your physical insecurities (may not mean much, but it's something)

5. he doesn't like to date anyone his age (And HOW did ya miss this one)

 

if he's really shy, then (3) can be explained by that he thinks you're not interested. If that's so, you've just compounded it by rejecting his vacation offer. Do let us know if he's shy, 'cos I'd be surprised if he isn't.

[prrthd1]

Yes, he is shy. He also hasn't dated all that much for his age (he's 38). I'm 22 and this would be my first extremely serious relationship. The hard part is that we are so comfortable around each other and have no problem talking about anything except us. We just both try and make each other jealous by talking about other people we think are hot.

 

I will also add that we share a cell phone plan and I have his bank account #, etc. So, trust is not an issue.

 

As far as the vacation goes, when he asked me the first time I just sort of laughed it off. He said "why are you laughin, do you wanna go?" I didn't respond and left it at that. The second time asked, we were looking at pictures of the place he was going and he said "why don't you go so I can throw you off that pier?" Now I know I was stupid for not acting on this because I know we would have hooked up if I had gone.

[elijahBailey]

Now I know I was stupid for not acting on this

Yes you were But don't worry about it. No serious damage done.

 

because I know we would have hooked up if I had gone.

Hey don't sweat over this. The way I look at it, this puppy ain't going anywhere for now. If you want him, go get him girl! Has he gone on his vacation yet? If not, hop in his wagon; otherwise, make it up to him by taking him out for dinner when he gets back. Good luck.

[prrthd1]

Thanks for the responses, elijahBailey. He has been back from vacation for a couple of weeks so I missed the boat on that one. I know I am eventually gonna have to tell him how I feel or I'll explode. I guess it's the normal fear of rejection / losing him as a friend that is stopping me. The problem is that if he says he doesn't feel the same way and things get weird between us, I'll still see him all the time. He lives next to me and sometimes hangs out with my brother.

[elijahBailey]

You won't lose him as a friend. You guys have a lot of history together. Even if things get weirded out for a while, it'll eventually return to normal. You guys are so close you can get him to shut up about telling your brother

 

Most of the time, in the dating scene, it's the guys who pursue, but it's the girls who decide if they wanna close the deal.

 

If your situation were gender-reversed, I wouldn't advise the guy to go for it. The reason being that it's pretty difficult for the girl to move out of the friends zone. Not so the other way round; if the girl's decent lookin' and not a skank, I can always see myself moving out of the friends zone into something more serious.

[prrthd1]

I'm not really worried about him telling my brother or anything like that. There is a lot of stuff between the two of us that my brother doesn't know about. I think we are closer than most people realize. I just don't think (assuming that he doesn't feel the same about me) that we would ever be able to talk to each other the same way.

 

If he were interested in being more than friends, wouldn't he have made a move at some point during the past year and a half? It seems to me that most guys would. However, it could be my fault for acting like I wasn't interested. I've probably gone beyond playing hard to get.

[blue16]

If he were interested in being more than friends, wouldn't he have made a move at some point during the past year and a half? It seems to me that most guys would.

 

So wait a minute, he takes a risk and asks you out on a vacation with him and you're saying he hasn't made any move?

 

However, it could be my fault for acting like I wasn't interested. I've probably gone beyond playing hard to get.

 

Yes. He already asked you out and you turned him down so what more is he supposed to do? This guy obviously likes you but you blew him off so it's up to you now to make a move. As the saying goes, "Once bitten, twice shy." The ball is in your court.

[prrthd1]

Thanks for the response, blue16. Bringing up a point that elijahBailey made earlier, perhaps his delivery was bad. The first time he asked me, he brought up the fact that he had made reservations, etc. I asked him when he was going and he told me and said, "why - do you want to go?" That's when I laughed it off. The next time he asked is when he made the joke about throwing me off of the pier. I saw him everyday between then and when he left and he never mentioned it again. Either he wasn't serious or I made him think I really didn't want to go. He did call me once while he was gone, though.

 

Basically, everyone I've talked to thinks I'm stupid for not pouncing on that opportunity.

[prrthd1]

Since my last post, my guy friend has asked me two or three times about going out with an acquaintance of his. At first he said this guy saw us together at Wal-Mart and really wanted to go out with me. Then a couple of days later, he said this other guy didn't really see me, but he thought we should hook up.

 

Is this a sign my guy friend isn't interested in me? Or, was he just testing me to see if I would go out with anyone else?

[elijahBailey]

Since your last post, haven't you asked him out yet? or you still waitin' for him to make the first move?

 

Since my last post, my guy friend has asked me two or three times about going out with an acquaintance of his. At first he said this guy saw us together at Wal-Mart and really wanted to go out with me. Then a couple of days later, he said this other guy didn't really see me, but he thought we should hook up.

 

If he's inconsistent about his story, then yeah, he probably made it up.

 

Listen girl, you aren't gonna get anywhere by reading in-between the lines. As in all relationships and friendships, there will always be risks and chances to take. You can keep going this way till the sun goes down and then convince yourself that he digs you, but essentially what happened is that you lost an entire day doing mental gymnastics.

 

If you like him, take the initiative. Say something like..

 

'No, I wouldn't wanna go out with anyone else except you'.

 

Or

 

' I don't know why you wanna hook me up with someone else cos it sure sounds like you wanna get me off your back. If that's so, maybe we should stop seeing each other.'

 

Doesn't matter what you say, just get the ball rolling and see what happens. So what if you got him all wrong. You aren't gonna lose him as a friend. What have you got to lose? .... just your pride maybe. But pride ain't worth nothin', really.

 

Good luck and do keep us posted

[prrthd1]

No, I haven't asked him out yet. I keep waiting for him to make the first move. It's been a year and a half since we started becoming better friends - so chances are, if I haven't told him by now, I never will.

 

What is the deal with men treating women differently when they're alone than when they're in a group? When my guy friend and I are alone he is so courteous - opening doors, carrying my bags, buying my food. When we are with other friends, he treats me like one of the boys and the poking fun of begins. When I say something about him picking on me he always says it's done out of love? What does this mean?

[elijahBailey]

I'm startin' to understand you a little better.... you're pretty good at reading in between the lines I've got female friends who're just like that and, when I'm having a bad day and they do that to me, it annoys the he!! out of me

 

but hey, boys will be boys and what he does in front of his guy friends is 'normal'. Ya dun wanna be a wuss when you're with your buddies, know what I mean?

 

Anyhow, take the initiative soon. Your puppy ain't gonna be there forever.

[prrthd1]

Well, I think the end may have come today in my relationship with my guy friend. To shorten a very complicated ordeal, something not so good happened between my guy friend and one of our mutual friends. My friend is irrate to the point that he no longer wants to have anything to do with this person. This is not a problem for me because I consider the "villain" more of an acquaintance and don't really have that much to do with him anyway. The problem is, my brother is friends with the villain, so my guy pal no longer wants to see my brother in his attempt to avoid the villain. Today, he brought back all the stuff he had borrowed from my brother and me and even the stuff I had given him as gifts. We also went and took him off of our joint cell phone plan.

 

He keeps reassuring me that it is nothing personal to me, but he will not be coming to my house anymore because he does not want to risk running into the villain. Of course, I was freaking out and telling him how I couldn't believe he would cut ties with me because of something someone else did. He said that I was welcome at his house any time and could call him any time, he just wouldn't come visit me.

 

We ended up talking for two hours after we went and took care of the cell phone thing. I didn't beg him to keep being friends with me and I told him I wasn't going to beg him. But, I was desperate to say anything that would make him want to still be around me. During this, I ended up telling him that I cared about him and didn't want to lose him as a friend. He didn't say anything when I said this and I'm not sure he knew I meant as more than a friend.

 

I thinked we worked out everything. I still didn't tell him I wanted to be more than friends, but if it is just the two of us from now on, I guess I'll have plenty of time for that.

 

Is this the end for us, even though he says we are still friends and can still do stuff together? Or, should I just leave him be? I have been crying since I came home because I can't stand the thought that I will not see him as much as I used to.

[truelyblue]

well it all sure looks like a mess now............

i dont know wot happened between the villain and him but it seems very serious so serious tht he wants nuthing to do with neone related to teh villain..........but c there again when u told him how u felt u mentioned friends again......gurl sometimes u have to be honest and just say things out loud...i know it will be ur first serious relationship but unless u do somthing abt it there may not be a relationship nemore.....

 

he probably did not say nething because he still does not know how u feel and u know guys usually(no offense) take rejection or the friends statement more to their heart thn they wud care to admit specially if they are wearing their heart on their sleeve...............

 

 

tell him gurl...he made his first moves a long time ago.........

 

keep me posted hope i cud be of help

[elijahBailey]

what truelyblue said.

 

Listen girl (and don't misconstrue what I'm sayin'), the way things are going, you're gonna 'lose' him anyways. What with the phone plan thingy, the seeing lesser of him thingy, amongst others. I just don't dig this at all. You've got all the time in the world before all this crap happened and you did nothin'. So, now things get messy and some major heartache impending, and .... you're still doing nothing.

 

You don't sound like someone who's soaked in ego, so I don't get why you're so afraid of finding out. Yes, you could be all wrong about his feelings towards you. And, yes, things could get weirded out if everything comes out into the open, BUT, seriously, you got nothing to lose. And, from an outsider's point of view, you have a better chance at preserving your sanity if you get things out into the open.

 

Each day you ponder over your situation is a day wasted. Falling in love is not a sin, and neither is rejection.

[prrthd1]

Thanks for the responses guys. It is nice to have some place to unload. He did call me last night after I posted to give me info. on a concert he thought I might be interested in. The conversation lasted less than a minute, though. But, I plan on taking care of this whole thing by the weekend. I'm planning out my speech now. LOL!

[elijahBailey]

now yer talkin' You really don't need no rehearsal. Just...... be yourself Keep us posted.