Spousal abuse of men

[pepperbird]

If you know a man who is being abused by his spouse, what advice would you give? What sorts of practical supports exist for men in that sort situation?

[PRW]

What sort of practical support?

 

 

To my knowledge,...none.

Men as just screwed. After she abuses him, she'll eventually divorce him and take everything he has.

[alphamale]

If you know a man who is being abused by his spouse, what advice would you give? What sorts of practical supports exist for men in that sort situation?

 

if it's physical abuse he should go to the police

[carhill]

IMO, if involving law enforcement, document thoroughly. While times are changing, men still dominate the LEO and court system and historically men are protect/serve for women so tend to believe women more in domestic situations. Yeah, they can think their way out of that but their instinct is to believe their wife, mother, sister, etc. Women know this. Abusive women are women. They lie and they're good at it.

 

What to do? Disengage if possible. Get to safety with friends or family. If your life is threatened, kill as with a man. Don't waver.

 

When I see topics like this, a local hospital administrator, long dead now, comes to mind. Tim Schuster. His wife cooked him in acid. Alive. And got another man to help her. Yup.

[Els]

In most developed countries, abuse is recognized regardless of gender, and law enforcement will intervene if it is reported.

[alphamale]

do the police laugh when responding to a battered husband?

[thefooloftheyear]

In most developed countries, abuse is recognized regardless of gender, and law enforcement will intervene if it is reported.

 

 

I'll be honest....

 

Unless the guy is married to a licensed female MMA Pro, or is a recognized dwarf, most guys would probably be laughed out of the station house for filing a report of physical abuse from a wife/gf..

 

I could be wrong here, but just a hunch...

 

TFY

[Els]

I'll be honest....

 

Unless the guy is married to a licensed female MMA Pro, or is a recognized dwarf, most guys would probably be laughed out of the station house for filing a report of physical abuse from a wife/gf..

 

I could be wrong here, but just a hunch...

 

TFY

 

 

This woman was jailed for abuse - https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/6077998/boyfriend-domestic-abuse-jordan-worth-alex-skeel/

 

 

She doesn't look like a MMA pro to me, nor does he look like a dwarf.

[No_Go]

I guess no point to state the obvious but in 99% of the cases a man is much stronger than a woman, and the physical damage woman to man is not anywhere close to the damage of man to woman abuse.

 

Not to mention that men are naturally more aggressive because of the higher testosterone + social conditioning.

 

Laws should (and do) protect all obviously, but I think that's why we hear on the news more about battered wives than battered husbands.

 

 

I'll be honest....

 

Unless the guy is married to a licensed female MMA Pro, or is a recognized dwarf, most guys would probably be laughed out of the station house for filing a report of physical abuse from a wife/gf..

 

I could be wrong here, but just a hunch...

 

TFY

[Prudence V]

One of my neighbours was killed by his (female) partner who had been abusing him for years. She beat him to death in the street. She was much smaller than him, but that didn’t stop her grabbing what was to hand to beat him.

 

We called to cops often to report the abuse. They clearly didn’t take it that seriously or she’d have been locked up before she killed him.

[preraph]

It's up to him to call the police. Now, if you were a neighbor and you heard a bunch of fighting, you could call, but it's up to him to tell them she's abusing him. And police see it ALL the time and it is not rare. There's some rough people out there. They will handle it same as if it was a woman. But until he is willing to stand up for himself and tell police she's abusing him, police can't do much unless when they come over he has visible wounds or even old bruising.

 

If there's children in the house, call CPS and report it that way and get someone involved and maybe it will give him courage.

 

My aunt abused my uncle mentally if not physically (I think both) and it was back in the day no one did anything about it. But U.S. law changed in the 80s where the victim doesn't even have to make the complaint and the police can do it on their own -- however, the reality is once it goes to court, without cooperating from the victim or some other witness, nothing really can happen. So he has to be ready. Very sorry for your friend.

[somanymistakes]

The people telling him "there's no hope" aren't exactly helping the situation...

 

What advice would I really give? First: document everything. Everything. Make notes on what she does. Take pictures of any damage she causes, either to him or to property. TELL PEOPLE... tell friends when things happen, so that there is a record to back you up.

 

Recognise that there may be some bias. Reporting domestic abuse is always hard because in general, people do not want to believe it. (This is true whether it's a man beating a woman, a woman beating a woman, a man beating a man, etc.) Both men and women who report domestic abuse to the cops often get brushed off with an "I'm sure it's not so bad... You can work it out!" because the cops do not want to deal with it. Sucks, but it's true, so regardless of what would be nice, don't expect that anyone you report to will be all on your side right away. They will have doubts.

 

Things you can expect to get asked:

"Are you sure you aren't exaggerating?"

"What did you do to provoke her?"

"Why couldn't you stop her?"

 

Expect those questions so you don't freak out and break down when asked them. They're going to be skeptical, be prepared to stand your ground, don't just back down and walk away.

 

Another thing to be aware of is that in some jurisdictions, if EITHER party reports abuse, the male is automatically removed from the home until there's a court date. This can be a rough blow if you're not expecting it. It is, therefore, not always wise to go to the police until you are ready to leave and have alternate accomodation lined up.

 

As for what support you as an outside friend can supply, that depends on what he wants. Pressuring people to leave an abusive spouse sadly does not work very well. It tends to backfire, it tends to teach them that they need to shut up about the abuse. They won't go until they are ready to go. So be gentle about it - suggest that you don't think this is the right way for them to be treated. Tell them that you will always be there for them if they need you. Tell them that they don't HAVE to put up with this. But don't push, don't make an ultimatum, don't demand that they leave.

 

Support services for abused men are unfortunately a little thin on the ground. Some do exist, but you'll need to research for them. DO NOT call a battered women's line for support. Many of them will assume that you are either trolling or an abuser fishing for information in order to get access to one of the women they're protecting. Unfortunately, they have reasons to be that jumpy. Steer clear of those organisations and try to find one that specifically mentions covering men, or else stick with individual therapists.

 

A smaller person absolutely can kill a larger person in the right circumstances. And even if they don't kill you, abuse can still be devastating. As a feminist I take women seriously as a threat - men deserve to be protected too. No one should be abused.

[preraph]

It's a complete fallacy that the police won't do anything. They have a hard time doing anything in a lot of domestic calls because it's he said/she said and they don't know those people, but a lot of police are men and they see this stuff and know it's out there and care. So don't believe it when people tell you no one cares and there's no hope.

 

 

As you know, in general, men don't have to worry about physical abuse from a female as much as women do because in general, they're stronger physically and can often defend themselves or just restrain or whatever. But once a relationship has gotten to that point, it's time to either both get in therapy or get out. Kids don't need that crap from either party. And there are exceptions where a woman will hit because they know he won't hit back -- and if he does hit back, it is very frowned upon because he usually is stronger.

 

So call the police. Take photos of any bruises or cuts she left on you and hide them somewhere like at work. You need that kind of proof. If she punches you and leaves a mark, call police right then when they can see the mark on you. And get out of that relationship!

[thefooloftheyear]

It's a complete fallacy that the police won't do anything. They have a hard time doing anything in a lot of domestic calls because it's he said/she said and they don't know those people, but a lot of police are men and they see this stuff and know it's out there and care. So don't believe it when people tell you no one cares and there's no hope.

 

 

As you know, in general, men don't have to worry about physical abuse from a female as much as women do because in general, they're stronger physically and can often defend themselves or just restrain or whatever. But once a relationship has gotten to that point, it's time to either both get in therapy or get out. Kids don't need that crap from either party. And there are exceptions where a woman will hit because they know he won't hit back -- and if he does hit back, it is very frowned upon because he usually is stronger.

 

So call the police. Take photos of any bruises or cuts she left on you and hide them somewhere like at work. You need that kind of proof. If she punches you and leaves a mark, call police right then when they can see the mark on you. And get out of that relationship!

 

 

Most guys would be embarrassed to go to the authorities....That's part of the problem.....Heck, most guys are even embarrassed to collect alimony, even if they are rightfully due it...

 

TFY

[Robert]

Please post to the topic, while some tangents of the topic can be a heated debate this thread is about offering the thread starter advice and is very specific if you read the opening post.

 

Thanks

[preraph]

Most guys would be embarrassed to go to the authorities....That's part of the problem.....Heck, most guys are even embarrassed to collect alimony, even if they are rightfully due it...

 

TFY

 

I know, but I do think that's changing. It's hard to call the police on your partner. Your kids could be there (to me, that's fine -- better they see them get arrested for it than no consequences).

 

I watch LivePD and they fairly regularly answer a domestic call where the woman started it. Sometimes the woman is who calls but then they determine she is who started it because she's drunk and disorderly and he's not or whatever.

 

A man may not feel like confessing it to someone else. But he should dissolve that relationship unless both want to fix it and try therapy first. I don't know if there are men's shelters in most places. Probably not. But you can always go talk to a counselor or church pastor or get online like you have here and find some support and advice.

 

I tell men same thing I'd tell women: Get out of the relationship. Get out of the house. Prosecute if the person is dangerously violent, no matter who the person or what the reason.

Edited August 4, 2018 by preraph

[MountainGirl111]

If you know a man who is being abused by his spouse, what advice would you give? What sorts of practical supports exist for men in that sort situation?

 

Are you talking about physical abuse, mental abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse?

[pepperbird]

Are you talking about physical abuse, mental abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse?

 

 

Thanks for all the replies from everyone so far.

 

 

It was more of a general question.

 

While man may often be physically larger than a woman,there are guys who will put up some some very abusive ( physically) treatment from a female partner because they don't want to put their hands on her, even in self defense.

 

 

 

Just based on my own personal observations, when I have seen a woman abusing a man, it more often involved verbal, mental, emotional or financial abuse.

[preraph]

No one should hit someone weaker than them. Thing is, the option nearly always exists in female to male abuse to just walk away and get out instead of escalating it. It's rare you hear about a woman holding a man hostage.

 

I think anyone in a relationship where either partner is overly verbally abusive or physically, should just end it. Geez, why spend your one life miserably? Alone is highly preferable to abuse.

[LilithD]

Men and women who truly love each other don't use each other for punching bags whenever they feel the 'urge' too.

[guest569]

Thanks for all the replies from everyone so far.

 

 

It was more of a general question.

 

While man may often be physically larger than a woman,there are guys who will put up some some very abusive ( physically) treatment from a female partner because they don't want to put their hands on her, even in self defense.

 

 

 

Just based on my own personal observations, when I have seen a woman abusing a man, it more often involved verbal, mental, emotional or financial abuse.

 

Physical/sexual violence.. should get police involved. For all of these types of abuse, he should leave the relationship. But that is easier said than done. Sadly many would not realise they are being abused or make excuses for their abusive partners.