Communication Between Dates- what is accceptable?

[Ariesgirly]

Hey Everyone,

 

I need some male insight here. I have been seeing someone for a few weeks now. On our first date we both talked about we are open to relationships and not just a hookup. The chemistry was great, we have a lot in common and we have a great time together. We have hung out 5 times over about 2 weeks which includes several different activities (a few workouts/runs, dinner and a movie, dinner and mini golf, he came out with some friends and I over the weekend etc) you get the picture. We also workout at the same gym( where we met) so I see him between these dates and we flirt a little. The first week it seemed like we were heading in a good direction, lots of texting, a few phone calls, even after had been intimate. We are both 30ish give or take a year or two.

 

At first he was communicating with me consistently, touching base throughout the day with flowing conversations, but something has changed. It seems our communication doesn't match up anymore. I will get a text from him first thing in the morning "its too early for work!" and I will respond and then SILENCE the rest of the day. Or, I will text him something "hey, how is your day" or send a funny video and get no response, and then 5 hours later get a completely irrelevant text " I just went for a run and it was exhausting! What are you up to?" as if I never said anything. Yesterday I called to say hi after work and got a text from him saying sorry he missed my call and asked what I was doing, which is frustrating as well. I am trying to not jump to conclusions because he has a military job where he is doing instructor courses and I know men get super invested in their day but I would still like to know someone I am dating is thinking about me.

 

I would normally count this as someone who is not interested, but we have made plans for Saturday night (which we made on our date on Wednesday) but the lack of communication in between dates is really starting to make me feel like I can't make a connection with this person and making me not want to reach out anymore since my texts seem to be invisible. When we hang out it is great- we talk about family/career/our past, we talk about future things we wanna do together, he is affectionate (holds my hand, kisses me in public) and then the next day its as if he doesn't exist.

 

 

I normally have an easy time telling when a man likes me because he comes on so strong he is texting me all day long. So my question here is, do I cut this off? Is it too early for me to establish some boundary with him and let him know I am taking his lack of communication as disinterest, or am I being too needy with my expectations?

[smackie9]

IMO now that he's got you, he feels he doesn't have to make that effort anymore. You can accept that he is interested in you, but isn't interested in the extra effort to text each other throughout the day. Some will say, Hey the guy is at work, who has time to text? People take breaks, so no excuse in my books. I wouldn't look at it as disinterest but I would see it as lazy.

 

 

 

Now there is nothing wrong with your expectation to have some kind of consistent communication between dates. He just may not match up with your expectation.

 

I go by, first impressions count. If he goes hot, then cold, that is a dealbreaker for me. IMO you shouldn't HAVE TO tell him how to date you.....that's crap.

[hippychick3]

I think you will get very differing opinions on this from this board.

 

But, my opinion is that when a man is really into a woman, he communicates in between dates..not necessarily incessantly but enough to keep the "flow" going. Sure, he is affectionate and talkative in person...he's in the moment and enjoying your company. When you're apart, there should be some kind of continuing communication especially given he was texting you frequently in the beginning stages. In my experience, anyone who was really into me, initiated and kept up the communication between dates. The men who did not were texting/dating other women in between our dates.

 

I'd pull back a lot and observe.

[Gaeta]

Well, he does take you on dates twice a week, he also has reserved his prime date-night for you. That has to count for something.

 

As for the texting between dates, after the deed is done and people embark in a routine of dating 2-3 times a week I think texting drops a bit. You can't text all day long you'll have nothing left to say on your dates.

 

I don't know a lot of men that enjoy texting back and forth during the day. Maybe he's one of those. My bf never text me, he called me a few minutes every other day and it was fine. As time goes by it's not the texting that should speed up but the dates! You're at a point there should be talks of seeing each other a 3rd time during the week. If that doesn't happen, if the number of dates aren't climbing then I am afraid you got yourself into a fwb situation, sex twice a week.

[nospam99]

Old guy here (64) so take my opinion with a grain of salt. I hate texting and don't do it as 'normal' communication. What I find it good for is to hit each other like if we're both on the road to meet somewhere other than one of our places and getting delayed, it's an alternative to a phone call. If I want to contact a dating partner during the day I use email. If I'm seriously smitten and she hasn't phoned me, I'll usually phone just before going to bed to ask how she's doing and say 'goodnight' by the third day.

[GemmaUK]

All sounds good to me.

 

He has a job and takes it seriously rather than spending his day texting.

Surely, that would be something a person would want and respect in a partner?

I know I would. I would love to find a man like that!

It gives me my time and him his time - respectful, considerate.

He will already get the gist that if I am mega busy that I can't be texting inane stuff.

[OatsAndHall]

I wouldn't read into it too much; he's probably just gotten comfortable with you and is unintentionally backing off on the texts. This is the PITA part of not liking texting and being in the dating world; I feel like I need to keep up a lot of contact to keep someone interested but then things get dicey when the relationship is going somewhere and I go back to my normal texting habits.

 

 

 

So, I've gotten in the habit of explaining to women that I'm not a big texter and I keep the level of messaging the same from the very beginning. That heads off a lot of problems.

[PRW]

There will be those who disagree...

 

The phone is for setting dates, not for getting to know someone, or for visiting, and certainly not for ongoing "validation" that the other is still interested. He made the mistake of texting too much in the beginning and set a pattern that you now expect,...resulting in you thinking something is wrong when it slows down. Below is what I always recommend to guys when they first meet someone up until they become exclusive which in a healthy situation should take about 7-8 weeks. The next paragraph is taken from a recommendation that I have written up and posted a few times in the past:

No chit-chatting, texting/calling between setting the date and arriving on the date, but if she contacts you then be nice, pleasant, friendly, chat with her a bit, but keep it short. This is important to build anticipation for the date so both parties are excited to see each other when they arrive. It demonstrates integrity of both parties when they actually show up for the date without needing to be reassuring each other leading up to it. It eliminates either party from saying something stupid in a text or phone call to weaken the other’s attraction to them before they even make it to the date or maybe causing the date to be canceled or at minimum cause the other to be half-hearted about it. It is needy, insecure, and impatient people on both sides that think they need to maintain chit-chat leading up to the date or the other one might forget about them and not show up.

 

Some of the regulars here have seen me post this before. People are free to disagree with this recommendation, but I am going to remain firm on my position. If someone doesn't want to follow it,...then just don't follow it. Here is the entire thing below that the above paragraph was pulled from.

 

 

Phase One – a few weeks to a month long

 

It begins when the guy offers a girl a specific date once a week and sets the date for a week away. You are making her an offer, present it that way like you know what you are doing. Plan it out ahead of time so you already know what you are offering. A good pattern is ask on Monday or Tues for a weekend date. No “fuzzy” dates! She needs a specific time/day/place. If you hit a day she can’t do it and she actually wants to spend time with you she will give you a counter offer or at least let you know in some way that it is ok to try again later. If she does neither of those then she probably isn’t into you. A compromise option would be to ask her when she is free to get together then offer a specific time/day/place.

 

No chit-chatting, texting/calling between setting the date and arriving on the date, but if she contacts you then be nice, pleasant, friendly, chat with her a bit, but keep it short. This is important to build anticipation for the date so both parties are excited to see each other when they arrive. It demonstrates integrity of both parties when they actually show up for the date without needing to be reassuring each other leading up to it. It eliminates either party from saying something stupid in a text or phone call to weaken the other’s attraction to them before they even make it to the date or maybe causing the date to be canceled or at minimum cause the other to be half-hearted about it. It is needy, insecure, and impatient people on both sides that think they need to maintain chit-chat leading up to the date or the other one might forget about them and not show up.

 

No expensive dates, no exuberant dates, no long trips, no weekend trips, no vacation trips, no meeting family/friends. Guy pays for the date. Get over it. Maybe the woman can pick up the tip if she wants. Guys, keep it happy, fun, and light hearted. No heavy subjects. Guys, what a woman remembers about a date are different than you remember. She remembers how you made her feel. So make sure she always thinks of happy feelings and fun when she thinks of you.

 

Do not bring up any labels what-so-ever, such as boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, marriage, love, or anything else along those lines. At this point you are not her boyfriend and she is not your girlfriend. That is her job to bring that stuff up when she is ready,…not your job, so don't do it. You both still need to understand that you have the freedom to see other people at the same time, even if you don’t choose to act on it,…it is a frame of mind you both need to have.

 

Rinse and repeat, over and over each week or so, but not more than once a week at this early point. Show some discipline and that you aren’t still in high school.

 

Phase Two – a few more weeks long to a couple months

 

After a few weeks if you haven’t made mistakes the woman will start to contact you in between the dates. This is your cue to set the next date. This shifts some of the power over to the woman. Earlier the guy did all the chasing and setting the date. But now the dates happen each time the woman contacts you which gives her control of the frequency. You are both now sharing in the process. This means to an extent that the dates are her idea and if she is chasing you then she isn't dumping you. It also means that you may now potentially see each other more than once a week. But don’t get carried away, still show some discipline. The rest of this phase is about the same as phase one.

 

Minimal chit-chatting, texting/calling between setting the date and arriving on the date. You can do a little more at this point because she is reaching out to you, but the principle is still the same, so keep it to a minimum.

 

As earlier, no expensive dates, no exuberant dates, no long trips, no weekend trips, no vacation trips, no meeting family/friends. Guy pays for the date. Maybe the woman can pick up the tip if she wants. Again, keep it happy, fun, and light hearted. No heavy subjects. Guys, what a woman remembers about a date are different than you remember. She remembers how you made her feel. So make sure she always thinks of happy feelings and fun when she thinks of you.

 

Still you do not bring up any labels what-so-ever, such as boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, marriage, love, or anything else along those lines. At this point you still are not her boyfriend and she still is not your girlfriend. That is her job to bring that stuff up when she is ready,…not your job. You both still need to understand that you have the freedom to see other people at the same time, even if you don’t choose to act on it,…it is a frame of mind you both need to have.

 

Phase 3 – Lasts until you breakup, co-habitate, get married, or she runs over you with the car

 

If you haven’t made a bunch of mistakes to discourage her, on average at around 7-8 weeks (maybe longer if you made mistakes) the woman may bring up the exclusivity conversation. She may be vague about it, so you might have to question a little to be sure if that is what she is saying she wants. If that is what she wants, and if you agree to it then you are now finally boyfriend/girlfriend and will need to drop off any others that you both may be seeing.

 

Even after exclusivity happens you still have to keep your head screwed on straight and don't forget what got you to where you are. You still have to show discipline, emotional control and impulse control. Although women may claim they like someone who is a bit impulsive, erratic impulsiveness is not attractive and sometimes just flat scares the crap out of them.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, I love the variety of opinions here.

 

I totally get why you would feel thrown off by his silences and gaps in his communication ... and then when he resumes, he doesn't pick up where you guys left off ... or doesn't respond to the question you asked.

 

For me, such inconsistency wouldn't work ... I've had too many women who were hot and cold in different ways (pre social media) ... and with these hot-and-cold folks, usually things landed on cold, ice cold, as in they didn't want a relationship with me. And most of the time when I've been hot and cold ... and yes, you could go silent even in the landline phone era, I wasn't that into the person or was overwhelmed with my life and therefore not really ready to be a consistent partner.

 

On the other hand, this guy is seeing you consistently ... so I think it makes sense to ask him about these jarring silences. I think people have to officially sync up on social media expectations ... as in have a conversation about it ...

 

I would mention this to him ... politely so ... see if he adjusts ... and go from there.

 

Most likely, you are NOT going to adjust (nor should you) because you find his silences disorienting. Understandably so. Some people need consistent communication. Some don't. No right or wrong here--other than to pretend to go along with something that really bugs you and disrupts your sense of feeling connected.

[MountainGirl111]

I don't know how old he is, but he just may not be into texting all that much based on what generation he is. Or he may not be able to text you while he's at work. I don't use my smart phone when I'm on duty for personal stuff. Many companies have that policy and it's enforced.

 

Too much emphasis is placed on texting in today's dating world...as IF the health of a new relationship hinges on what/how he texts or how often...or whatever....Try not to overanalyze his texting communication or lack thereof. What happened to the importance of in real life face to face time?

[basil67]

People take breaks, so no excuse in my books.

 

I think you mean that some people take breaks. Others don't get time to pee, let alone text. Nurses and teachers in particular are known for having developed very large bladders because they frequently don't have time to pee. I would imagine that being a doctor in a public hospital would be much the same.

 

One of my friends had a bladder condition. When the nurses tested her bladder, they remarked on it's size and asked if she was a nurse. She responded that she was a teacher. And the nurses nodded in understanding.

[MountainGirl111]

Texting or not texting or substance/frequency of texting....Let's see.... in today's world this equates to sitting by the phone (landline or cell) and wondering when/if he's going to call. Girl, that ain't no way to live! Live your life. Pursue your passions. Stay busy and active. Let...I say "LET" relationships unfold and grow. They are either meant to be or not. Don't force anything. Let it flow...let it happen. Maybe he's a busy man with lots of responsibility. If that's the case, can you handle it? And if you can't handle it, that doesn't bode well for either of you. So, it's likely sooner or later you'll come to this crossroad with any relationship you get into and you discover more about each other.

[act00]

The guy is attentive and makes time for you, and sees you at least twice a week. It's normal for constant communication to drop off...why? Because there is a confidence level in your relationship and you don't have to constantly keep your foot in the door and build that momentum. Focus on what he's doing, not his texting. If he was backing out on dates and making excuses not to see you, that's a completely different story.

 

Maybe have a heart to heart on his (and your) communication style. He doesn't like texting all freaking day long, every single day...accept this. He can put more effort and you can stand to relax a little. You're focusing on his texting and not the fact that you see each other both at the gym and outside of the gym, regularly, and he seems fully engaged and interested in you. Listen to Mountaingirl...it's going to work or it isn't, and don't become a slave to your phone and awaiting a call or text. Live your life. If his busy lifestyle is not something you can work around, move on. If you require constant, hourly, daily conversations and gestures of devotion, find a guy who has the time and inclination to do so...I find it exhausting to maintain all day, every day conversations...all day...every day...whew!

 

You describe a guy that seems highly interested and devoted. You can work around communication styles. As long as he's making time for you, in person, regularly, I think you're in a very good place.

[damni]

Eurgh this is an difficult one, I have found when there is a drop of communication that is usually a sign of losing interest. Especially as you not been dating very long and he seems be actively ignoring you, taking 5 hours to reply to a text and not calling you back.

 

I been dating my current guy for 3 months now, we rarely do phone calls but text during the day and this has decreased in the evenings, but we see each other 2/3 times a week so I don't need that constant communication now.

 

If he was behaving like your guy though, not responding to me in 5 hours and refusing take my phone calls then I be concerned that was it between us.

 

I would talk to him about this on Saturday.

[salparadise]

If you require constant, hourly, daily conversations and gestures of devotion, find a guy who has the time and inclination to do so...I find it exhausting to maintain all day, every day conversations...all day...every day...whew!

 

My amended version...

 

If you require constant, hourly, daily conversations and gestures of devotion... then you're probably expecting him to fill some kind of void. Who would be able to fulfill such a need for constant supply indefinitely.

 

If the guy is staying in touch daily, and you're dating in person twice a week, I can't see why you'd be dissatisfied. If I started dating someone who needed constant contact, I'd probably view it as needy, anxious, insecure... a red flag. Relax, enjoy. Stay away from the phone through the middle part of the day.

 

Remember, people dated and had relationships before smartphones and text. I've heard rumors that they did it before electricity too.

[smackie9]

I think you mean that some people take breaks. Others don't get time to pee, let alone text. Nurses and teachers in particular are known for having developed very large bladders because they frequently don't have time to pee. I would imagine that being a doctor in a public hospital would be much the same.

 

One of my friends had a bladder condition. When the nurses tested her bladder, they remarked on it's size and asked if she was a nurse. She responded that she was a teacher. And the nurses nodded in understanding.

It's law/mandatory where I am, and teachers/nurses have very strong unions. But anyways, you still have to pee, eat and sleep at sometime during a 24 hours period. This guy isn't a doctor working in the trauma unit where people's lives at at stake.

[smackie9]

No one should be jumping all over the OP. She isn't expecting the guy to text her constantly throughout the day. Just a quick response like "OK gotta go now, chat with you when I get home tonight...." or "sorry I can't chat, real busy with work..." would be acceptable....just to let her know.

 

 

 

Someone mentioned "the old days before cel phones", well people back then still kept in contact by communicating when they were available or where and when they could be reached. So there is no excuse to not respond to someones text 2 or 3 days later.

[GemmaUK]

I think you mean that some people take breaks. Others don't get time to pee, let alone text. Nurses and teachers in particular are known for having developed very large bladders because they frequently don't have time to pee. I would imagine that being a doctor in a public hospital would be much the same.

 

One of my friends had a bladder condition. When the nurses tested her bladder, they remarked on it's size and asked if she was a nurse. She responded that she was a teacher. And the nurses nodded in understanding.

 

I agree with Basil.

Except you don't need to be in healthcare/teaching to have the issue that you don't get time to pee.

 

I work in an office and have the same issues.

Any few minutes - and I mean 3-5 mins away from my desk is 98% of the time spent on re-calculating my to do list or figuring a problem out.

 

I haven't had a lunch-break in over 8 years aside from one or two a year literally here and there for some occasion or other which it has been obligatory to attend.

 

'some' people take breaks.

'some' don't or can't.

 

Work for me is crazy and has been for a lot of years - just a few things are opening up about this in recent threads I've started.

I work each weekend too currently and have been doing so since March.

 

I cannot devote hours per day texting to reassure someone that I'm interested. It does add up to hours, not 30 seconds to reply - hours over a day if a date needs so much reassurance.

The last guy I dated told me that any free time I had belonged to him - FFS! That means no free time is my own!

Pressure from all sides! And ridiculous that someone you are dating cannot understand or is not secure enough to just let you get on with things you need to.